Mcdonalds recently introduced a new mascot: Happy the incredibly happy happy meal. I have to say, it is about time they retired Ronald. Besides being just a little creepy and, for some reason, a magnet for sexual innuendo, Ronald had a good long run. He’s been around since 1967, fueling little children’s nightmares and peddling heart-clogging murder burgers nonstop.
Not that I don’t appreciate the house he’s got for poor kids, and that awesome play place and how he taught 1970s southern black pimps how to dress. But a clown gets old, he gets tired, and that never-ending grin is, let’s face it, kind of scary. Hopefully McDonalds replaced Ronald with something a little less scary. Something relaxing. Let’s take a look.
Oh… OK, that’s one way to go. Happy the happy meal sure does look happy. For no reason. Wow, that’s not absolutely horrifying at all or anything. Why, I’d sure get as close as I could to that dead eyed, forced-to-smile-with-its-giant-mouth, red box. Excuse me while I get a few shots of tequila down.
In the spirit of McDonald’s latest insanity, we’re proud to bring to you a list of ten horrifying, creepy, scary and downright bizarre mascots. Some are popular, most obscure, but all of them are downright freakish. And why is that? What is it that possesses a corporate executive to look at their organization and say to himself, “You know what would best represent our organization? Something that would send a child screaming into the bleachers and covering his mother’s leg in terror-pee.”
Mascots are supposed to endear people to your product or team. Although I must admit, each of these mascots are indeed memorable. And maybe that’s the point. You never forget the company that makes you check under the bed before you go to sleep.
The Seattle Supersonics’ Sasquatch
The Seattle Supersonics chose as their mascot the legendary American wilderness monster, Sasquatch. Also known as Bigfoot, ‘Squatch is a huge, gorilla-like missing link known to be gentle, shy and elusive. He is not known for getting all up in your grill with an extreme slam dunk. Which might explain the horrifying expression on this particular sasquatch’s face. A hangdog frown is not the appropriate look for any creature in a stadium full of screaming fans. Face facts: Sasquatch is in the same servitude as a circus elephant.
Looking like a cross between a wookie and pubic hairpiece, Sasquatch is not the kind of guy I want coming up to me at halftime.
Round where I come from they have a saying: Testicular cancer is nothing to laugh at. In Brazil they have a different saying: A big sack of man balls is huggable. Senhor Testiculo is simultaneously an anthropomorphic nutsack, a way to remind Brazilian men that their cojones are too important to lose to cancer, and just one more reason I need to learn more about Brazil.
You wouldn’t think that a country known for having one of the highest concentrations of beautiful women would need to remind men to keep their balls intact and cancer free, but here is a walking, jiggling, child-embracing proof that they too. All I can think is that there is an entire generation of soon-to-be-beautiful-and-legal Brazilian girls learning to love and cherish testicles. Isn’t that the creepiest mascot of all?
Hutto High School Hippo
Hutto High School, of Hutto, Texas, apparently subscribes to the Ms. Pacman school of gender association: If it wears a ribbon or lipstick, it is female. And cute. And not one of the deadliest creatures in Africa. Well the Hutto Hippo wears two ribbons and more scarlet lip stain than a child beauty pageant contestant.
Hutto is not the only terrifying cross dressing mascot on this list, but (s)he is the only cross dressing animal, and … just look at it. It’s coming toward you like a drunk old aunt at a family reunion. It wants to pinch your cheeks and kiss you and, knowing hippos, crush you between its steely jaws. Maybe the Hutto administration knew what they were doing. I mean, a real hippo is terrifying to those in the know, sure, but it kind of looks oafish and lumbering. This thing is guaranteed to terrify the opposition.
The Original Michelin Man
At some point in the history of tire making, someone thought to themselves, “You know what would make a good mascot? A guy that was wrapped up in twine and stuck in a microwave and cooked until he expanded like marshmallows over a campfire.” Which was incredible because microwaves hadn’t been invented yet, meaning the Michelin executives had to wait until 1947, pay $5000 for one and then travel back in time just to torture some poor hobo into becoming a tire zombie. That’s dedication, and it deserves recognition.
(Slightly) more seriously: Look at that insane horror up there. It genuinely looks like an alien invader doing a horrible job of looking like an obese man. Just try to look into its eyes. Just try. It is absolutely a serial killer.
Hoopeston High Cornjerker
Hoopeston High, of Hoopeston Illinois, has chosen for their mascot… the cornjerker. As suggestive as that is – and let’s remember, this is a high school – that’s not what is so creepy about this particular mascot. What’s creepy is that he is named after a suggestive motion, and he is coming for you and your women.
Look at him leering like he goes through a mound of condoms a month. Look at his grin – he knows you’re helpless. Look at his eyes… is corn psychoactive?? That cornjerker is high as hell. And the scariest part? The women love him. You will never have as much game as a humanoid, half-husked, buzzed-out ear of corn.
Travelocity’s Roaming Gnome
Call me crazy, but I have always found Travelocity’s Roaming Gnome terrifying. Sure, he’s inches tall. Sure, he’s taken from one of my favorite films, the charming French film Amelie with Audrey Toutou. But just look at him. Seriously, really look at him: He’s a gnome. He has magic powers. He can be anywhere… at any time. He could be behind you right now. He pops up all over the world. How do you know he isn’t on your windowsill, right now, peering it, waiting for you to go to sleep?
That pointy hat is not indicative of sanity. That Jerry Garcia beard is the same one sported by serial killers that are going for the “operating system programmer” look. He never changes his clothes, he has no home to speak of… he’s a drifter with crazy eyes and magical powers. And he’s coming to your home town sooner or later.
Oregon Episcopal’s Aardvark
Can we take a moment just to say Aardvark a few times? Aardvark. Aardvark. It’s a fun word. Until you repeat it a few times. Then it gets … meaningless, yet menacing. Now look at that picture of what I am to believe a giant humanoid Aardvark would look like.
I’m really not as judgmental as this article would make me seem but, come on Oregon Episcopal School of Seattle, Oregon – couldn’t you have a found a cuddlier, less bug-eyed representation of an Aardvark to be your mascot? Seriously. That thing is horrific. Any actual human-sized animal would be scary, but an armored tongue-shooting half dinosaur, half wooly pig is just plain freaky. And this one is angry.
The Phillies Phanatic
That… thing up there being straight gangster is the Philadelphia Phillies’ mascot, the Philly Phanatic. According to Wikipedia, the Phanatic comes from the Galapagos Islands (which I presume is supposed to explain his appearance) and is the Phillies’ biggest fan. There is no rhyme or reason to the Phanatic. He is no natural creature and could not have evolved from one. He’s just an insane green furry thing from the middle of nowhere that shoots his tongue out like a party favor and harasses anyone who doesn’t like the Phillies.
Lexington Legends’ Elle
Elle is one of the Lexington Legends three – count ’em, three – mascots. “She” is the fulfillment of the promise that the Hutto Hippo would not be the only cross dresser on this list. Elle is supposed to be the wife of that mustachioed gentleman on the left of the photograph. The incredibly excited baseball on the right is their single and swingin’ buddy. And look at Elle, standing between them, pleased as punch… something tells me the Legends’ bunk house has an extra large bed.
I have nothing against anyone of any sexual orientation, but there is something unsettling about an unconvincing cross dresser and, I’m sorry Elle, you look like the Marine Corps had to go undercover in a cheer leading squad. Excuse me, I have a screenplay to write.
I do have some constructive criticism for the Legends’ mascot designer… if that is a job. I understand you making the lady’s feet extra large to compensate for her enormous head, but those dainty little hands just don’t make sense.
Mr. Red Legs
That… I… Oh god. Just let me compose myself. OK, sorry, had to take a breath there. Now then: Pictured above is Mr. Red Legs, the Cincinnati Reds baseball team’s mascot and he knows what human blood tastes like. He enjoys the spleen of his vanquished enemies. That view? That was the last thing seen every opposing team’s mascot. The real twist of the Saw movies is that it was never Jigsaw. It was this psycho all along.