What a difference a year makes. Just a year ago, couples planning to include a movie in their Valentine’s Day celebrations had a variety of romantic film debuts to choose from including Endless Love, About Last Night, Winter’s Tale, Her and Labor Day. For those with more whimsical aspirations, The LEGO Movie also premiered that weekend.
This year’s anticipated blockbuster opening on February13 is Fifty Shades of Grey, an R rated romp that explores the world of bondage and domination (B&D). Despite mostly negative reviews by critics citing everything from lack of plot to stiff, forced dialogue, zero chemistry between the two lead actors, and bad acting, The Hollywood Reporter stated the movie is predicted to bring in over $45 million over Valentine’s Day and Presidents Day weekend in North America alone; worldwide box office revenues are expected to exceed $100 million.
Naysayers maintain the popularity of this prurient tale, which as a book had sold over 100 million copies as of Valentine’s Day 2014, is yet another sign of society’s decline into decadence and depravity. The same group, or maybe their parents or grandparents, expressed similar sentiments 43 years ago in 1972 when Last Tango in Paris debuted. That Marlon Brando classic was followed over the next decades with naughty movies like Sex, Lies and Videotape, Blue Velvet, Basic Instinct, Body of Evidence, Boogie Nights, Bound, Eyes Wide Shut, 9½ Weeks and Unfaithful.
But like most works of fiction, these tales of sexual deviation are often inspired by actual events. Men and women worldwide have engaged in kinky sex practices for centuries. Granted, unlike today, most were very discreet in their dalliances. Alas, some chose erogenous routes that led to their demise. Stick with those 50 Shades of Grey toys and accessories sold in stores and you should be fine…at least physically.
10. Five Wives Get Revenge
Uroko Onoja was an affluent Nigerian businessman. Besides monetary riches, he also had five wives. When the older four noticed the youngest seemed to be getting all the action, they all attacked the husband with sticks and knives, demanding equal sexual relations. Onoja rose to the task, so to speak, and sexually satisfied four of them. As the fifth wife climbed into bed for the grand finale, he expired, proving you can get screwed out of being screwed.
9. Smothered By Ta-Tas
Donna Lange of Everett, Washington doesn’t like losing arguments. After a hard night of drinking with her boyfriend, they got into a heated argument. When 50-year-old Lange decided victory belonged to her, she didn’t hit him over the head with a frying pan. Instead, she smothered him with her gargantuan breasts. Poor guy probably thought he was just going to enjoy her extremely large chest.
8. Asphyxiation Goes Awry Once Again
Sada Abe suspected her lover Kichizo Ishida was unfaithful. To stress her dissatisfaction, she put a knife to the base of his penis and threatened to make sure he couldn’t fool around again. She relented and decided to use her obi sash to strangle him to intensify his sexual pleasure. Ishida was in the throes of passion when she strangled him to death. Her opportunity to claim it was an accident dissipated when she was found days later with his genitals in her purse. Her statement to authorities didn’t help her case. She told them, “After I had killed Ishida I felt totally at ease, as though a heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders, and I felt a sense of clarity.”
7. Shocking Sexual Stimulation
Toby and Robert Taylor had an electrifying sex life. No boring old-fashioned traditions for them; they were dedicated to charging into more exciting scenarios. In their modest mobile home, Robert would attach metal clamps to Toby’s nipples and then plug the cord into a power strip. One night, the current was a bit too much for Toby and she died from electrocution. Robert first told police it was a blow dryer in the shower accident but quickly spilled the truth and faced charges of reckless endangerment and involuntary manslaughter.
6. Little Blue Pills Lead to Big Bad Death
Gambling can cost a lot more than money. Sergey Turganovover of Moscow, Russia bet two local women $4,000 he could sexually satisfy both of them during a marathon 12 hour ‘love’ session. Eager to come out the winner, the 28-year-old ingested a whole bottle of Viagra at once. His partners agreed he won the bet and paid him. Within a few minutes, he keeled over dead from a heart attack.
5. Parting Can Be Sweet Sorrow
Not all sex related deaths are tawdry. Kay McConaughey, mother of sexy actor Matthew McConaughey, tells the story of Matthew’s dad’s momentous passing in her book I Amaze Myself! She wrote of James McConaughey, “On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love, but one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing. But it was just the best way to go!” Best part of the story is she had his body removed from the home still naked so everyone could appreciate his endowment. Alright, alright, alright!
4. Fatal Fellatio
A number of politicians around the world have been caught in compromising sexual situations. Sometimes these incidents result in political suicide. But Felix Faure, president of France from 1895 to 1899, suffered a cerebral hemorrhage and died while being fellated by his mistress, Marguerite Steinheil. Rumor has it Steinheil was immediately afflicted with lockjaw. This predicament required the member to be surgically removed from her mouth. And you thought you had a bad day.
3. The Lion Doesn’t Always Sleep At Night
Outdoor sex can be exciting, as long as you have a blanket and stay away from poison ivy. But it’s best to choose a spot uninhabited by lions, tigers or bears. When Sharai Mawera and her boyfriend were doing the nasty in the African bush of Zimbabwe, a lion decided he’d like to join in on the fun. As often happens, the lion got a bit wild. Poor Sharai’s neck and stomach were ripped apart and her horrified partner ran away naked as she lay dying.
2. The Piano Man’s Swan Song
World famous dancer Carol Doda was the headliner at The Condor Club in San Francisco, America’s first topless club. Her legendary act began with her descending from the ceiling seductively posed atop a white baby grand piano. One night after closing, club executive Jimmy Ferrozzo and club stripper Teresa Hill decided to have sex on the piano. Somehow the on switch was activated and unbeknownst to the copulating couple, the piano rose to the ceiling. Ferrozzo was crushed to death but his hefty frame saved Hill’s life.
1. Patience Pays Off
Getting caught up in the heat of the moment can result in very pleasurable lovemaking. But completely losing perspective can kill you. Romanian soccer player Mario Bugeanu and his girlfriend Mirela Iancu were so anxious to seal the deal after a night out, they had sex in the car after they pulled into the garage. Passion trumped practical thinking and they left the car’s engine running. At least carbon monoxide poisoning is a peaceful way to make an exit.