‘Gather ye rosebuds while ye may’, dear friends for the zombie apocalypse is nigh. People around the world have been carefully putting together their respective contingency plans in preparation for the mass arrival of the undead on their doorsteps. Perhaps you are from the Chomsky school of thought and you credit the surge in apocalyptic narratives to the pervasive fear that is sweeping through society regarding an uprising of the oppressed. Maybe you are convinced that the zombies are preparing to rise and that they are coming to get us all. Or, maybe you believe that they have already arrived… One need only walk down a busy street or pop into a local coffee shop to witness hordes of people glued to their cell phones in a mysterious zombielike trance. Who knows?
Many self-respecting Zombologists put a great deal of time and effort into researching and analyzing data, of sorts, in order to scare the living daylights out of the average Joe. Have you watched 28 Days Later? Maybe we are just one mind-altering disease away from zombification after all. Fortunately, we have some hardcore survivalists in our midst who are not prepared to bow down to the mindless, flesh eating creatures that may or may not visit a town near you any day now.
10. Cinderella gets by with a little help from her friends
Barricaded in her Manhattan apartment, Cinderella will wisely await the arrival of her trusted team of warriors. Having proved himself on the battlefield, the almighty Hercules makes it to the top of her list. She claims the muscular Hercules ‘could easily take a group of zombies out by hurling a building at them.’ Robin Hood’s archery skills see him bag second place in Cinderella’s camp. Coming in third is Tarzan who knows all too well the trials and tribulations of surviving in the wild, and Dr. Sweet from Atlantis scoops the fourth place. The group of survivalists will make their way to the Hudson River where a pirate ship awaits them. Sailing along the east coast of the US, the team will make their way to Dominica, the only island on earth with 365 rivers and springs. While it’s not the worst plan, she cannot claim to be a true survivalist. And where are all the female warriors and action heroes, Cinderella?
9. The Pentagon’s Zombie Apocalypse Plan
The Defense Department do not do things in halves, even when it falls into the realms of a fictional contingency plan. CONPLAN 8888 traverses a pretty broad spectrum, devised as it was for training purposes in order to protect the sanctity of human life in the event of any kind of attack. The plan is broken down into a number of phases – Shape, Deter, Seize Initiative, Dominate, Stabilise, and Restore Civil Authority – each of which applies ‘to the entire globe.’ CONPLAN 8888 is best summed up by the civilians need to concentrate ‘all firepower to the head’ when killing a zombie, and just to be on the safe side, make sure to burn that zombie corpse.
8. Advice from Survivalists
So what suggestions do survivalists have for when we find ourselves in the midst of an apocalyptic frenzy? While UK Preppers writer and Survival Doc are advocates of careful planning and preparation, they put a damper on the plans of city dwellers amidst a zombie outbreak, stating that it is the most dangerous place for people to hide out. A build-up of zombie germs and the like do not make for safe squatting. They suggest travelling in groups of like-minded people as opposed to toughing it out alone. Make sure to bring the Bug Out Bag you prepared earlier with all of those essential supplies, namely water, food, clothing shelter, energy and medication. And then you walk, and walk until it is safe to stop walking…
7. Halbach’s Plan Z.A.P.
Like many before him, Blogger, Shane Halbach’s simple two-stage plan was long in the making. The nearest grocery store is the first port of call, although Halbach readily admits the pitfalls of seeking refuge in a place where mounds of rotting meat will eventually lure the zombies in. The second stage of his plan offers a bit more security as he and his loved ones head for his father’s country retreat, equipped with handguns, shotguns, and rifles. He will also have a generator at his disposal. Despite all of that firepower, Halbach is jumping on the baseball bat wagon stating that people need ‘something that can bash in skulls but also break some bones and incapacitate the zombie’. Hmm..
6. Barry Fitzpatrick’s Plan Z
Northern Irish man, Barry Fitzpatrick knows where he will be when the undead are unleashed, his first port of call the local KWIK FIT. A survivalist through and through he claims it will have all of the necessities required for a zombie apocalypse such as tires, petrol, transport and tools. It is KWIK FIT’s location on the Ormeau Road that’s the real draw for Fitzpatrick, nestled between a pharmacy and a supermarket with the River Lagan around the corner. Next port of call is Lagan Court, tucked behind high walls and conveniently located next to a police station with armoured jeeps, weapons and protective gear. Once the Safe Zone has been established, he will have a direct safe route between the two locations. Fitzpatrick’s prepared for all eventualities, admitting he will need plenty of blunt force objects to ‘defend himself’.
5. Go West!
The first tactic of blogger, Baconbach involves layering up in an attempt to evade the bite of the flesh munchers. The pragmatist’s 9-stage plan consists of arming himself and his entourage before proceeding to gather supplies at a local grocery store and heading West. As Baconbach puts it, ‘less people = less zombies’. Like Fitzpatrick, he claims that a baseball bat is a necessity, but reminds his reader’s to make sure it’s lightweight; in case you did not know, crushing the skulls of the undead is tiring work. Baconbach and his fellow nomads do not plan on overstaying their welcome as they travel further West lest they attract the unwanted attention of the flesh eaters.
4. The Smoshers Guide to Survival
Rule Number 1 at the Smosh Games Centre is to Stay Calm and Think Smart. While everyone else is running to Costco and its equivalent, these guys won’t be moving. The smartest thing to do, they claim, is to hunker down and ride out the storm. Store water and stay indoors…until the food runs out. What then? Then the happy zombie hunting crew move from place to place scavenging, which should be done with an armoury of weapons on your person terrifying any other groups of survivors into giving up their supplies. Parting words of wisdom from the guys: ‘Remember, swords don’t need to be reloaded.’
3. It’s all about the weaponry
The following advice from the Xbox collective may save your life in the event of a zombie apocalypse. FYI, you are far more likely to survive a zombie apocalypse if you are a gamer as you have more than likely been in training for years even if you didn’t know it. Teamwork is the most important element of survival. When it comes to weapons, play it safe and use melee weapons or better again, make your own. Remember, fire and poison are your friends in midst of a zombie apocalypse. In case you’re uncertain, when confronted by a zombie, simply remove the head with your weapon of choice, destroy the brain, set the remains on fire and hey presto, you’re one step closer to saving the planet.
2. Gamers know best
UK gamer The AJK Beast will happily take on the burden of repopulating a post-apocalyptic world following a zombie outbreak. The Beast’s careful selection of comrades from the city of London gives his plan quite the edge. Recruiting a taxi driver for instance will ensure they know all of the possible routes to take within the city and its outskirts. Gathering supplies such as food, clothing, and medication the troop will make their way to a police station to collect weaponry. Many survivalists have dismissed fire power as the noise attracts the undead, but The Beast has thought this through and all guns will be suppressed. The next port of call is a prison in which the team can hunker down and set up camp. The highlight of The Beast’s plan involves raiding homes for electronics because ‘after all that zombie killing we’re going to have to relax and keep our sanity by playing video games.’
1. MasterKungFu’s Three C’s
The top spot has to go to Comic Vine blogger, MasterKungFu. His cool, calm, collected approach to the end of days is a rather refreshing departure from previous panic-laden plans. Before making any decisions, the blogger will pinpoint the location of the initial outbreak. If the ghastly creatures are within close range, your best bet is to head for a remote, isolated place. The survivalist in training has prepared himself for harsh environments such as remote islands and deserts. When it comes to food, instead of raiding a local supermarket, he will gather supplies as he goes; he’s an advocate of the Bear Grylls guide to survival – one cannot afford to be fussy. A section of his blog is dedicated to suitable weapons with the tried and trusted baseball bat coming out on top ‘for convenience and efficiency in its applications.’ In the meantime, he suggests increasing cardio and making the switch to renewable energy sources in preparation for the zombie apocalypse.