A quick disclaimer: this article is only intended for the most macho men, for those who understand that the kind of car you drive has a direct and linear relationship with manhood size. This article is not intended for men that consider other ridiculous qualities to define their manhood like work ethic, honesty, or parenting abilities – that stuff is for weaklings and namby-pambies.
This article is not for the wimps who drive sensible cars. For all the men who drive a vehicle that is reasonably priced, safe, reliable, and comfortable, stop reading now. Go pick up some housekeeping magazine and get fitted for a skirt. Real men, keep reading.
Anything below this line will cause serious spikes in manhood. Women, birds, dogs, cows, absolutely anything in the area will become pregnant just by reading this article. Men will grow fantastically thick hair on their face and chest like a 19th-century lumberjack. Men may also grow hair on their back, too, but please don’t ignore that. It could be a serious health condition. See a doctor if that happens and don’t sue this website.
Anyway, alpha males need some alpha rides. These 10 vehicles put the “D” in drive. Everyone should watch out: there are men coming through.
10. Sin City Hustler
Sunday. Sunday! SUNDAY!!! This Sunday get an awesome dose of extreme manhood with the Sin City Hustler. Come experience what this 700 horsepower abomination can do to wimpy tanks and Hummers (spoiler alert: crush them). Its 66-inch tires mean that unless someone is over 6 feet tall, like a real man would be, they’ll need to get a step stool like some girl.
Big Toyz racing wants its customers to know that its $1 million kick-ass machine is the perfect way to distract people from any of those sissy feelings of inadequacy. Buying this car will ensure that absolutely nobody will openly point, laugh, or roll their eyes in disgust at this massive waste of resources. If they do, crush them too!
9. Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat
At $60,000, even douchebags on a budget can race around town in this bad boy. Getting up to 60 MPH in around 3 seconds, men and their small manhoods can get to the gun range, bar, MMA fight, or whatever masculine adventure faster than everyone else.
The imaginary competition for who has the biggest wang will clearly be in the owner’s favor because this red steel bicep can peel out with 707 horsepower but stop on a dime with 15 inch brake rotors – the biggest in the industry. Those jerks in high school will rue the day they ever made fun of a Hellcat owner because of its supercharged 6.2-liter, V-8 engine with a 37.5 foot turning circle with overhead valves – whatever the hell that means. At over 16 feet long, the garage may just say, “It’s too big.” Winner.
8. International Special Edition CXT
God refuses to bless everyone with a large manhood. But for $150,000, even God will be jealous when the International Special Edition CXT comes rumbling down the street. This mammoth beast will leave ex wives and girlfriends filled with regret for ever leaving them for men with better taste. And sense. And manhood.
With a passenger seat that rides at nearly 6 feet and tires that weigh almost 200 pounds, even guys with a small manhood can finally turn heads. Its height even makes it easier to look down the blouse of some unsuspecting woman who will do anything once she catches a glimpse of the legend behind the wheel of this truck.
7. Bugatti Veyron
Desperate need to impress the ladies? Feel like a loser around those with fast cars? Insecure about size? Don’t worry, the Bugatti Veyron is the answer to every one those problems. Officially the fastest car in the world, non-men will hold onto their hats and pray to the gods above that they could drive this car. The vehicle only costs $1.5 million, but price be damned! This is your manhood on the line.
The 1,001 horsepower engine will surely wake the neighbors and remind them every morning of who owns the block. No one will dare think that this car is just to compensate for a small manhood once they get a look under the hood and scope out the engine, either. The car makers thought one engine was totally for sissies because this engine has the look and power of two engines rolled into one. Bugatti tried to fit a tiger under the hood too but even the “government” couldn’t handle all that strength.
6. Real Life Tonka Truck
Ford developed this Tonka truck for mostly commercial use; this monster can haul nearly nine tons of debris with ease to make any construction job easier. But don’t get distracted by what Ford says it’s for.
The hidden beauty is that the truck makes it easier for macho men to distract anyone from questioning the size of their manhood. With some racing stripes and some Monster Energy drink stickers, even this truck won’t be able to carry all the toughness pouring from the driver. This truck is one of the biggest and most rugged on the market so the next time the issue of manhood comes up in a conversation, just point to the truck. Bam.
5. Blinged Out Mercedes
When the rapper Juvenile wrote the song “Bling Bling” in 1999, there is no way he could have envisioned that someone would turn his fantasy into reality. Covered in nearly $83,000 in Swarovski jewels, this Mercedes brings Juvenile’s visions to light and simultaneously puts all other weiner-mobiles to shame.
Onlookers spotted this car parked outside of a London hotel in 2014 and could hardly help themselves as they gawked, Tweeted photos, and ran their fingers over the millions of crystals that covered the car. Not much is known about the super tough, super rich, super badass that owns this piece of work though. Media reports indicate the owner is a Russian business student living in London. Oh, and it’s a woman.
4. Lamborghini Gallardo
If frosted tips, big gold chains, or making it rain at the strip club doesn’t distract from a small manhood, get a Lamborghini Gallardo pronto. Beware, this car is only for the manliest playboys who are never satisfied with the status quo.
A Gallardo man likes his cars as he likes his women. They both come in green, red and gold. They cost around half a million dollars. They both have a 10-cylinder engine and operate on power vacuum brakes with aluminum alloy calipers. Okay, so maybe there are some slight differences, but there is a 10,000% guarantee that women will swoon when they see their future boyfriend drive by in this car.
3. Paramount Marauder
This missile on wheels will actually throw out any drivers it thinks are not manly enough to handle it. Also, in a post-apocalyptic world, drivers of the Paramount Marauder will be crowned king and slaves will bring them rations of meat. The vehicle was originally designed for brave men and women who actually fought in wars. With extreme blast protection, agility, and cargo space, the South African company Paramount intended for defense departments to have armored vehicles to enhance soldier safety.
Enter regular dudes. At $485,000, anybody can own a Marauder. Instead of dropping off the kids at ballet camp in a minivan, a real man can thunder this titan right through the front door and scare the living daylights out of those dancers – and there’s nothing those weenies can do about it… besides call the police.
2. Alton F-650
With the Alton F-650, the only way someone can get in is if they take a running head start at it like an action hero and climb in. Smaller men probably shouldn’t even bother trying to get into it because everyone knows that only men who aren’t insecure about their manhoods would ever bother to spend $200,000 on this one truck.
Unlike some of the other cars on the list, the F-650 doesn’t have any actual practical use. It doesn’t haul. It doesn’t tow. It doesn’t help keep soldiers safe. Nada. The car does come complete with a “Captain’s Chair” though, and over 40 speakers to accompany a flat screen TV in the back. Watching Millionaire Matchmaker… er… uh… NFL football became way easier.
1. The President of the United States’ Armored Limo
With the game Grand Theft Auto, some consoles have cheat codes that could make the main character’s car virtually invincible. The car is blast proof. Fireproof. Bullet proof. The wheels can’t be blown out, either. It defies logic that a car like that would even exist. For manly men, this car would be an extremely expensive, out of this world fantasy beyond their wildest dreams.
For the President of the United States, he drives around in what the media nicknames “The Beast.” The car can withstand bombs, bullets, grenades, biochemical attacks, blowouts, and even comes equipped with manly survival equipment like oxygen tanks and fire fighting gear. This car is so macho that it looks at fuel efficiency and gives it a strong middle finger, getting less than four miles to the gallon.
Can a car actually be too tough for this world? Yes.