It’s never a shock that there are some pretty jerky cars out on the roads. Each and every year there are more and more being added to the production line. Well, today we’re going to take a look at what sort of douchebaggery is coming out for 2018. There are the typical cars, of course:
The Lancer, the Civic, the Camaro, the Mustang, the Challenger, the Escalade — these are all cars that will basically never be able to avoid being members of the douchebag car club. Ford could save the Mustang and go back to the old days, but that doesn’t look like it’ll happen anytime soon.
There are also some interesting new additions to this douchey club of cars. Dodge is featured heavily this year, Nissan also has a couple of ridiculous entries, Cadillac even has something in addition to the Escalade, and when Toyota tries to pass off making a sports car… you know there’s some sort of douchebag who’s going to jump at that affordable “hey-I’m-a-wealthy-douche” look.
15. Dodge Magnum Hellcat
What in the name of Burt Bouwkamp is going on here!? This is just an atrocity of a car. I don’t know what they were thinking over at Dodge, but they’ve just birthed a new breed of douchebag with this car. Basically all they did was take the Dodge Calibre and stretch it out another three feet. The Calibre made sense though, as it was only ever meant to be a punchy little hatchback. But this is like a wagon with a scoop on it and a name that makes you think it should look badass. But what we get is this! In what world could something like this be called either a Magnum or a Hellcat? At least the Challenger Demon makes a bit more sense. It is at least a muscle car. This is a guy’s station wagon that was “sported” out during a mid-life crisis.
14. Ford Mustang
Ok, I actually love Mustangs. But I love classic Mustangs. They’re getting closer and closer but still haven’t managed to bring the old muscle car back. The Mustang has the same issue as the Camaro, having been a douchey car for the past 20 years or so, but now they’ve gone one step further. Ford put out a limited-edition “Orange Fury ice cream sandwich” that was apparently Mustang inspired. That hurts my heart so much. Coolhaus Premium Ice Cream and Ford Mustang teaming up to make a Mustang-inspired ice cream sandwich. I can’t tell if that’s a real douchebag thing to do or a real hipster thing to do. It might even have been better if it was a craft beer (speaking of hipster). Either way, it’s really sad. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
13. Toyota Supra
Why are so many non-sports-car-making companies attempting to make some sort of sports car? Or at least trying to pretend that, based on the body of the car, that it’s a sports car? Toyota is not known for its wicked fast, jacked-up cars. Sure, you can drive the Yaris in the beginning of Forza 3, but it’s your very first car, and there’s a reason you start off with it, you want to work hard to get a real car! Now Toyota has seemingly made a version of the Batmobile under the Supra name. This thing costs around $30,000. That’s not too bad for a vehicle that’s trying to look like a sports car, but I bet if you spent about $5,000 less, you could end up with a Mustang that could out-perform this thing easily. Hell, for $30,000 you could restore any older sports car of your choice.
12. Nissan Micra
What in the name of all things sacred is this car!? This is a car people drive!? Nissan has really been putting out some awful vehicles for the would-be consumer. First of all, this car actually looks like the USB mouse I use at home. That’s enough for me to think that it’s a stupid purchase. Secondly, the cuts and color accents scream an attempt at a sports car. Come on — it’s an economy car. It’s maybe a foot away from being a Smart Car! That does make it more hipster than douchebag, but there is definitely some crossover between those two groups of people so all I can do is be sad about this car. It takes a special kind of person to want to drive around in a pretend-sporty, futuristic-looking computer mouse.
11. Honda Civic
Do you remember back in the days of The Fast and The Furious? I mean, it wasn’t all that long ago that (hopefully) the very last instalment was put out. The Civic featured heavily in the first film, for sure. I’m not sure about the others, since I thought they were all garbage. And much like those films, it seems Civic has gone to the dump too. It looks like Honda tried to make the Civic a hatchback… almost. I’ve got to say, when you sport out a car that really is just not meant to look or act that way, it really makes you look like a douchebag. I have a friend with a Civic. She doesn’t pretend that it’s a sports car. She loves it, but even she knows that this latest version is just really douchey. Like Ford, Honda should go back to older body designs and leave the douchebaggery to the Mitsubishi Lancer.
10. Chevy Camaro
Here is a car that has pretty well always made the douchebag list. I mean, when boss muscle cars used to be the ‘in’ thing back in the 60s and 70s, it wasn’t really considered douchey, it was just considered rebellious. But at least for the past 20 years, Camaro has found its way into the douche class of the auto world. And the new 2018 model makes it way worse. Way worse! The kit alone makes it look like you might be able to use it as a plow. I realize it’s meant to give the impression that you can get some extra aerodynamics out of it, and it’s meant to look badass, but it just looks like there are some shelves for trinkets on this old and exhausted car. The spoiler, as is so often the case, does nothing but spoil the sleek look the car could have. It’s a muscle car. Don’t try to make it look modern. Ugh.
9. The Ferrari LaFerrari
Now, to be fair here, there aren’t going to be too many douchebags driving around the world with one of these bad boys. That might have something to do with it being worth 1.5 million dollars. But let’s be honest, if you have that money and you spend it on a car that just repeats itself… you’re kind of a douchebag. The Ferrari LaFerrari — or as the guy from Top Gear once called it: the Ferrari TheFerrari. The name is ridiculous, the car looks like a bug, the rearview mirrors are atrocious, and there are way more important things someone could spend 1.5 million dollars on. Just don’t buy Conor McGregor‘s 1.5 million dollar Lambo Huracan Avio. That’s a way bigger douchebag move. You know, because McGregor is a huge douchebag.
8. Dodge Challenger Demon
Alright, look. I think even just calling a Dodge Challenger a demon is asking to be called a douchebag. The Charger and Challenger are in the same boat as the Camaro and, in many cases, the Mustang. These are just cars that are going to be kind of douchey. But if you add to it the new “Demon” badge and try to say that it’s very different from the already douchey Hellcat… well you’d be wrong. It might be in terms of power (maybe), but its sole purpose is to exist at a drag race for people to laugh at. I guess some people will be impressed by the fact that it can pop wheelies, but let’s be honest, all of those kids you grew up with who loved to pop wheelies are just the same douchebags trying to get their hands on this overpriced version of an already overpriced car.
7. Nissan V Motion
What are you doing, Nissan!? Is the Micra not a bad enough car? Do you really need to release two douchey cars in 2018!? I’d expect that from Lambo, Ferrari, or even cheaper names like Ford and Dodge. But come on, Nissan. Your cars are so historically uninteresting, but they’re common enough that there’s no need to stick your neck out from the crowd of douchebags. The V Motion, besides having an odd name, is the epitome of the modern douche. The metallic paint job along with the matching wheels and the lighting behind the grill badge… all you need is some underglow by the doors and this car would be the perfect millennial douchebag vehicle. I guess it could be possible that Nissan wants to tap into that market. There are a lot of them out there, after all.
6. Dodge Durango SRT
Whenever I see an SUV with a big scoop in the hood, I kind of laugh. Let’s be honest, SUVs aren’t made for speed. Pretending you’re making a sports SUV is just a marketing ploy to waste people’s money. And that makes the developers of this vehicle douchebags. It also doesn’t help that anybody who thinks SUVs are anything remotely like sports cars are also douches. The Dodge Durango is just a testament to the American dream of being bigger and more powerful than anyone else. Except for the fact that the Escalade still exists and is still one of the douchier vehicles on the market. But, I couldn’t stop myself from poking fun at this try-hard Durango. I guess it’s at least trying to impress someone. I guess.
5. KIA Stinger
Ok, this is something I never thought I’d really have to deal with. KIA has put out some form of a sports car. What!? KIA does not belong in the realm of sports cars. That’s for sure. Basically, it looks to me like KIA just took the designs for a Dodge Avenger and put their own strange twist on it. And since it wasn’t douchey enough for American consumers, what did they decide to do? “Kia Motors America had to urge the home office in Seoul to develop a richer exhaust note, a change that involves moving baffles within the muffler to yield less restriction… Hedrick assured me that even the first customer cars will be fitted with the throatier hardware.” In simple terms, they don’t want you to have a quiet ride. They want that engine roaring to make it seem like you’re driving a real sports car. Wow. Douchey.
4. Mitsubishi Lancer
Let’s be absolutely honest here. The Mitsubishi Lancer has long been a favorite car among douchebags around the world, and the 2018 model of the Lancer is no different. I mean, it’s different in look, to some extent, but it’s definitely just as, if not more, douchey. The triple hood scoop (to give the illusion that it will help the car go faster), the attempt at menacing-looking wheels, the cut-away along the doors (trying to mimic the Mustang) — these are all things that make this car far and away more douchey than maybe even the Ferrari LaFerrari. And that’s saying a lot. Especially since the price tag between the two cars has a difference of 1.4 million dollars. I guess it mainly has to do with the fact that the Lancer is so accessible and relatively cheap. It’s easier to be a douchebag with a Lancer.
3. Cadillac CTS V
Wow! The amount of douchebag that comes from this car is amazing! It’s just as bad as the Lancer, except the price tag on this bad boy is much, much larger than the Mitsubishi. And that, I think, makes this car all the more douchey. The kit, the spoiler, and the attempt to make it look rally-ready are just screaming douchebag. What is Cadillac doing making a poor attempt at a rally car anyway? Cadillac means luxury car. Shouldn’t they go back to making those? Trying to compete in the douchebag ring of cars with anything other than the Escalade is just pointless for Cadillac. And the Escalade being douchey isn’t even the company’s fault. It’s just everyone who drives it. But this little car is just made to look like every other little rally car that everyone has seen (and will prefer to pay the lower price for).
2. Corvette Grand Sport
Alright, I’ve played a bit of a prank here. This Corvette Grand Sport isn’t due out on the lot until 2020, but it needs to be talked about. If only to inspire a change in what they’ve got so far. So, for starters, the Corvette used to be the sleekest and sweetest of the American “boss” cars. It was always a little more high end. It met that fine line between pretentious and redneck. But this new model has crossed over that line. I mean, the Corvette has typically been a pretty car. This car is still pretty — pretty ugly. I know why the spoiler exists on cars, but I have to say that it is very appropriately named. At least, in this case, it really does spoil the car. And that’s just all sorts of depressing when it comes to a brand as historically awesome as this one. I think they may have tried too hard to win the Douchebags over with this one.
1. Cadillac Escalade
This is the one car that Cadillac is known to have that is, and will remain, eternally douchey. Ultimately with this one, all you need to do is take a look at the wheels. Already it screams the big D-word (you can decide which that is), but this wasn’t originally Cadillac’s fault. They’re in the business of making luxury vehicles, they just happened to build a vehicle that every gang-bangin’, cop-hatin’ guy likes to drive. It’s not like Cadillac marketed the Escalade to thugs and criminals, it just so happens that they like to ride in something that has luxury and won’t stall if you hit somebody. And while running someone over isn’t funny, it’s interesting to note that the Escalade isn’t even very scary looking. It could have been a very unsuspecting car if it wasn’t for the fact that people kept either shooting from, or shooting at, this vehicle. That is why, no matter what they do to it year after year, it will forever remain on the douchebag car list.
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