You know the scene. You’ve gone to a club or bar to do a spot of pick-up. There’s some hot babe, surrounded by guys. She is all over the guys, laughing, and knocking back drinks like there’s no tomorrow. Then over in the corner, a pretty cute babe sits all on her own while quietly sipping a drink. The hot babe spots you and staggers in your direction. The cute babe looks up and gives you a nice smile. She starts to get up. Quick! Which one do you go for? If you go for the hot babe, then chances are you’ve had a string of crazy AF chicks in your life. The highs are way high. And the lows are the pits. If you go for the quiet chick, then you are more likely to have pulled “normal” girls, and the hot chick would likely call you boring. What you’ve got to get through your head if you want to retain your sanity and all your body parts intact, is that crazy chicks are great for one-night stands. OK, maybe two-night stands. But after that, they are “t-r-o-u-b-l-e”. So how do you spot the crazy AF chick sooner rather than later? Read on. And this is for free: If you’re looking for love in clubs, expect a whole lot of crazy. It’s like trying to find a nutso in an insane asylum. Club chicks and crazy…
15. She’s Crazy Hot In Bed Then Cries Within The First Three Dates
How can smoking hot in bed possibly be a bad thing? She’ll do anything. Try anything. She likes getting it on in cemeteries. It’s a little (or a lot) scary, but you go with the flow. She moans and groans and claws at your back. Her “finish” is way too loud. You consider putting a pillow over her mouth to stop the racket. You get complaints from your female neighbors and winks and thumbs up from the guy in the apartment next to you. At the end of the session, you are both sweaty messes and she’s huffing and puffing like a marathon runner at the finishing line. And that’s date number one. By date three, she’s crying because you said hi to a friend. Our advice? If the first time is like crazy hot, go back for one more and then move on.
14. None Of Her Kids Have The Same Last Name
So, you’ve picked up the hot babe and she takes you back to her place. She looks way young and so you ask her age and she tells you she’s 24. When you get back to her apartment, she tells you not to worry, that her four (FOUR!?) kids are with their dads. Dads? You swallow hard and ask how many dads there are. She calmly replies “four”. Run, don’t walk to the nearest exit. A 20-something babe with four kids by four different dads is bad news no matter how you cut it. If she was married to each of them, she’s been divorced three times already. If she wasn’t, then that means she got pregnant with three different guys, making her careless or cunning. Think of all that child support. Pretend that message from Facebook is a family emergency and get the heck out.
13. She’s Ready To “Do The Deed” Super Fast
You say hello to the hot babe and she’s all over you. First you’re hot and heavy on the dance floor. Then you find a dark corner and take it a bit further. Then, she grabs your arm (or whatever) and pulls you out into the parking lot. She’s peeling off before you even climb into the back seat of what you pray is her car. Now, how is that a bad thing? Well, she probably did much the same thing the night before. And the night before that. And, well, you get the point. Even if you get into a “relationship” with her (bad idea), she is almost certainly going to cheat on you and not think twice about it. See, crazy AF chicks think that doing what they want when they want it is their birthright. Wait, is that her linebacker boyfriend coming across the parking lot towards the car?
12. It’s Not Me. It’s Them.
She’s had two husbands, been fired from a string of jobs, fallen out with her family, and she’s not speaking to any of her former friends. Why? Well, the crazy chick will tell you, it was the husbands who were the problem, she was shafted at work, then stabbed in the back by her family and, to add insult to injury, her friends deserted her in her time of need. The truth? She is the problem. She is selfish, self-centered, opinionated, scheming… Well, you get the general idea. The normal chick might just take her fair share of the blame and admit she wasn’t perfect, NOT the crazy one. And guess what? That also means that the chances of the crazy chick getting help is? You got it, zero, zilch, nada.
11. Women Hate Me
To begin with, she will tell you that other women are jealous of her and don’t like her. Women, in her mind, are either b*tches or w*ores. Usually, any chick prettier than she is comes in the latter category. Nope, she has guy friends. Guys get her (literally, all the time). Turns out, most of her guy “friends” are former boyfriends. And when you meet them, they have this look in their eyes which says, “Man, I sympathize. Been there.” Notice how she usually manages NOT to leave you alone with these guys? There’s a reason for that. She’s afraid of what they’ll tell you. You can pretty much count on a chick with only guy friends being crazy big time.
10. She’s Channeling Snooki
Any chick who walks around in the daylight in tight everything, accented with leopard print, bangles and those flashy, blingy, talon nails is going to be crazy AF. No questions asked. She’s got the cleavage going on in an effort to distract your attention away from the fact that she’s about to sink those glittered talons into you big time. If she steps out when the sun’s up, looking like she’s come straight out of an episode of Jersey Shore, then she’s probably a stripper or a cocktail waitress. If you think that sounds exciting, try talking to a stripper during daylight hours. Number one, she probably hates men. And number two? She’s probably got an ex-boyfriend she’s taken out a restraining order against after he beat her up once too often.
9. She’s A Club Diva
The movie was called Hot Chick. It doesn’t end well. Like we said before, looking for a crazy chick in a club is like trying to find a lunatic in an insane asylum. It’s all about the music and the dancing and the drinking and (probably) drugs. Any chick who parties all the time is almost certainly totally f*cked in the head. She’s into one-night stands and runs through guys like a hot knife through butter. Again, you may think, hey, that’s exciting. But just think about it. A club diva has been with so many guys (and maybe girls) that, if her head wasn’t messed up before, it sure as heck is now. Here’s another thing for free: The odd piercing and tattoo is totally cool. But, mix a club diva with an OTT number of tattoos and piercings and you’re talking truly, madly, crazy. Go for the quiet chick. You may sometimes be bored, but you won’t loose any body parts.
8. Her Place Is A Total Wreck
It’s Scarlett Johansson in a mess. So, you go for the hot chick and head back to her place. So, it’s a double wide. For the sake of a romp in the sack, you’ll go with the flow. When she opens the door, four cats run out. Her kitchen sink is overflowing with dirty dishes and you can’t walk across the floor to her bed without tripping over discarded beer cans and shoes. Wait, are those a pair of guy’s work boots in the corner? Yep, any chick with a place full of cats that is a total mess is going to be crazy trouble. But, same can be said for a neat freak, the chick who is constantly tidying and adjusting and straightening. Her place looks like a hotel room after housekeeping has been in.
7. Her Mother Is Crazy AF
You don’t even have to meet the mom. Ask the hot chick about her mom. Chances are she’ll use words like “crazy”, off the wall, out there. It’s like an older version of the the Mila Kunis character in Bad Moms. Plus, the babe will probably tell you her mom is like her best friend. And her dad? No idea who he is, she says. Or maybe he left when she was like 2-years-old. The word dysfunctional comes to mind. Get what you came for and then beat a retreat. Number one, crazy is in her genes. And number two? Crazy is the hottie’s “normal”. Like to her, normal is boring.
6. She’s Everywhere You Are And Counts Your “Stuff”
It’s Friday night and you’re out with the guys watching the game and drinking beer and she walks in the door. “Oh, I didn’t know you were here,” she’d say. You wonder, but hey the s*x is great and so you go with the flow. Then the next day, you’re walking down the street texting a mate and look up and there she is. “Oh, I thought I would surprise you,” she says. A day or two later, you hop onto your Facebook page to post a picture of your new puppy. Then ten minutes later you look and she has liked it and commented like a dozen times. Plus, she’s making it clear to the world that the two of you are all loved up. She’s going through your drawers, reading your texts over your shoulders, and counting your condoms. She’s already watching just about your every move.
5. She’s Just Too Good To Be True
She’s charming, hot, sexy, sociable, and utterly charismatic. In a few words: She’s just like the Glenn Close character in Fatal Attraction. Hey, nobody’s perfect and anybody who seems to be is probably trouble. It’s almost always an act. And they are almost always after something. Like you. Hey, look at the movie. Hot first meeting. Hot sex. She’s everywhere he is. Then knives start appearing and the sh*t hits the fan. Chances are your “Miss Too Good To Be True” won’t be a slasher, but she’ll probably have wild mood swings, be jealous as heck, and try to take over you life. And the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. Now, as tempting as a one-night stand with Miss Perfect might be, it’s probably not worth the grief you’ll get later. Hand her over to the guy who gives you a hard time at work and enjoy.
4. She’s A Self-Improvement Freak
Now, everybody likes to read a book on living with gratitude or being optimistic. It’s uplifting and a diversion. But chances are, if a babe has self-improvement on the brain and is going from one self-help fix to the next, then her life is a mess and if you get involved with her, yours will be too. Think of her as a drowning woman clinging onto anything that floats by. At some point, she’s going to sink and you don’t want to be around when it happens. Plus, if she’s involved in weird sh*t, like psychics or crystals, it’s a pretty good indicator that she has a few screws loose and rattling around inside her head.
3. She’s Been On Dr. Phil
Go on. Ask her. Ever been on TV? The bad choices range from trailer park Jerry Springer to getting-onto-middle-class Dr. Phil. It’s surprisingly easy to write into these shows, pretending to have a problem and get on the air. If you are willing to scream and shout at your ex or admit you cheated on him with his best friend, all the better. Now, getting onto one of these shows means you have at least one dirty little secret to air. And, even worse, you are the kind of person who not only has dirty laundry, but washes it in public to claim your 15 minutes of fame. Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people have gone on shows like Jerry Springer. And among club divas, Snooki clones, and self-help freaks, the relative numbers are higher than you might imagine.
2. The Crazy Chick And Social Media
Lindsay Lohan after a hard night drinking. It’s always, always worth checking a babe’s social media. Normal chicks will have snaps with family and friends, maybe even a cute puppy. And one of her at a pool party. The crazy chick? There will be pictures of her passed out on the floor of a club or baring that tattoo on her butt. A lot of the pictures will be indoors and at night. She doesn’t seem to get out in the daylight much. And check out her “friends.” Hop onto their pages. Is it more of the same scene? It is full of party-hard drunks, piercings in weird places, sinister tattoos, and people dancing like maniacs? At that point, you’ll need to decide if the s*x makes it worthwhile.
1. That Was The Old Me
So, you have been a crazy chick magnet most of your life? Maybe now you are beginning to see what’s gone down. So anyway, a while back, you met a hottie in a club and had s*x in the back seat of her car ten minutes later. The life between the sheets is insanely hot. Then she starts turning up everywhere you are, hijacking your social media, checking your phone, and cutting you off from any female friends. So, you tell her to shove off. If you are lucky, she does just that. But then a year or so later, there she is on your doorstep, all sweetness and light. She’s changed. That was the old her. Our advice? Slam that door fast.