There is no doubt about it, a first date is a game of psychological warfare. Before the date even begins you are over-analyzing every worst-case scenario and driving yourself around in circles. “What if he’s the one?!” “What if he lives at home with his mom?” “What if he has a weird nose twitch?” or “What if he thinks I’m ugly?” and “What if he hates dogs?!”
Sometimes the first date sets the tone for the entire relationship—is this going to be a platonic relationship, a one night stand, or are there going to be eventual wedding bells? Studies have shown it only takes seven seconds for someone to make an impression. Seven seconds! That is not a lot of time to make a good first impression.
You are either reading this because you want to know if your thoughts are normal, you want to know what your date is thinking, or are just looking for something to read–that doesn’t pertain to politics. So don’t worry, unlike many bad first dates, this list won’t disappoint. Without further ado, here are 15 thoughts every woman has while on a first date.
15. What Would Our Kids Look Like?
In the 2003 romantic comedy starring How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Andie Anderson (Kate Hudson) makes a scrapbook of her and Ben Barry’s (Matthew McConaughey) future children. The scrapbook is a little over-the-top but it’s not too far off from what women really think on a first date. Yes, women do envision what their future children will look like on the first date.
Does he have sparkling blue eyes? A receding hairline? Larger than average ear lobes? Women notice these things, even if they aren’t aware they are noticing these things. The brain will store this information in a file cabinet towards the back of the brain. Just when she’s about to fall asleep she’ll be reminded of his impeccable cheekbones or that his index finger on his left hand was longer than his middle finger.
14. Who’s The Ex-Girlfriend?
Was he dating Alessandra Ambrosia or Mila Kunis? Did she win the Noble Peace Prize for her international humanitarian efforts or serve in the Peace Corps? Does he show reluctance or is he uncomfortable bringing her up? If he does seem hesitant in discussing his past relationships, does it mean he is still not over her or does it mean he is simply respecting this potential new relationship?
As soon as she gets a name she will be searching Facebook. Are there any old pictures of the two of them together? Does her profile picture still have him in it (that would be a huge red flag! That means one of two things: She either doesn’t know she’s an ex or she’s having a hard time accepting their break up.)?
She will want to know about all of his past relationships but will be most curious about the most recent. Why did it end? When was their last encounter? When was their last sexual encounter? Are they still friends on Facebook? If he isn’t upfront and honest—women will smell this a mile away. This will doom any chance of a real romantic relationship ever getting off the ground.
13. How Will He Treat the Waitress?
Did he just whistle to get the waiter’s attention? Um. So not okay. The way someone treats a waiter, bartender, or taxi driver is a good indication for what kind of person they are. If the guy is being condescending or arrogant in front of his date, chances are he is ten times worse when he’s around his friends.
Speaking of friends, if she gets a chance to meet his friends–maybe run into them at the bar. If they are as*holes, she should just assume her date is an a*shole as well. The quote by author Jim Rohn, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”, couldn’t be more true. He obviously has something in common with these guys in order to be friends with them. And, chances are the things he has in common with them aren’t baking cakes or volunteering to visit the elderly. If she is smart she better Usain Bolt-it out of there!
12. New Guy Versus Old Guy
Does he physically resemble her ex? Is his personality like her ex? She will definitely be comparing the new guy to her ex. She won’t be able to help herself especially if she wasn’t the one who ended the last relationship.
Yes, thoughts will naturally go towards sex. Is this guy any good in bed? Does he seem like someone who isn’t interested in a relationship but wants something else instead? No strings attached sex? Nope. Sorry. For women, this is a no go. There might be a woman or two out there who can pull off no strings attached sex but for the majority–it would only result in hurt feelings and confused emotions. If she slips up and calls him her exes name—she’s definitely not over him. Same goes for him. If the guy calls her his exes name–he’s not over her.
11. Is He Confident?
If he has first date jitters–that’s one thing. If he has major self confidence issues that’s an entirely different ball game all together. She doesn’t want to be anyone’s mother or psychotherapist. She wants to date a confident guy. Why do you think women are so turned on by 50 Shades’ Christian Grey? Obviously he’s got a hot body but what else does he have? Mr. Grey might need a psychotherapist for other issues… but definitely not confidence. He has a tremendous amount of confidence. He walks into a room and you can just smell it on him.
There is a fine line between confident and overconfident. Overconfidence can sometimes be used to mask someone that’s incredibly superficial. It’s pretty easy to see through that superficial mask of bulls*it. Once someone has experienced dating an overconfident, superficial a*s, she’ll be able to recognize one as soon as he speaks.
10. Am I Talking Too Much?
“Am I being interesting or interested?” She wants to come across as interesting but also wants to show interest in him as well—if there’s an attraction there. If she goes on and on about herself without asking about him–she’s either completely uninterested or a bit too into herself to want a real relationship.
Sometimes whenever there is a lull in conversation, she thinks she has to fill it by talking. Silence and pauses in conversation are good things! They are voids that don’t need to be filled. They allow both parties to absorb and process information–as well as to eat or drink.
There is nothing worse than awkward, forced conversation. If she’s having a hard time getting him to talk and it’s harder than pulling teeth, that’s not a good sign. His mind is elsewhere. If she shuts down and doesn’t want to talk, she could be super shy and afraid of saying the wrong thing, or thinking about the hot guy sitting over at the bar.
9. To Eat Or Not to Eat?
If she wasn’t on a date she would be getting actual food to eat (e.g. bacon cheeseburger?) but this is a first date. A woman can’t eat on a first date. She flips her menu over to the salad selection. “Oh, yum. Romaine lettuce, green pepper, and a tomato slice.” Every female does it. She goes out on a first date and doesn’t eat anything or pretends her favorite food is romaine lettuce.
This needs to stop! It makes him feel awkward as he digs in and eats his filet mignon or chicken parmesan. He has to stare as his date nibbles on a piece of lettuce. She needs to show confidence by getting something absolutely delicious! This is a date! It’s supposed to be a fun time. Enjoy yourself! Life is not a dress rehearsal! You only get one shot at it–so order the deep-fried calamari and triple fudge sundae with extra hot fudge! To eat or not to eat? EAT, girl! Be yourself!
8. Dog Or Cat Person?
The movie The Ugly Truth starring Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler has Katherine Heigl’s character Abby Richter, completely infatuated with her neighbor–the orthopedic doctor–because he is a cat person. Does he like dogs? Who knows. But, as soon as she finds out that he is a cat person, she starts hearing wedding bells.
If she has a cat, the guy better be a cat person. If she has a dog, he better be a dog person. There’s really no way around this. A relationship whereas one person is a cat person and the other person is a 100% dog person will not work out. Can you imagine an avid Trump supporter being married to a loyal Clinton supporter? They would be fighting like cats and dogs (pun intended)!
7. Living With Parents?!
If her date piques her interest and there’s some initial attraction but then she finds out he still lives with his parents. Ladies and gentlemen, game over.
The alarms will start going off in her head until she can no longer hear the words coming out of his mouth. She might start swallowing a little more frequently. It goes back to the caveman days—women want a hunter, someone who will protect and provide for them. If her caveman is still living in a cave with his mom and dad—not in his own cave—she’s going find a guy with his own cave! No cavewoman would want to live in a cave with her in-laws!
Exceptions do exist. One exception would be if he has just graduated from medical school and he has moved back home in order to finalize purchasing a house. Another exception would be if he just returned from serving in the Peace Corps.
6. Did I Learn This From FB Stalking?
Everyone has done it. You see someone in real life and congratulate them or ask them about something only to realize that you probably only know this information from Facebook.
Before saying ‘Yes!’ to going on a date, a woman must do some detective work. She will scour his social media accounts. Are there any public posts? The worst, most irritating thing is when he has his social media accounts set to private! Not one public post?! How can this even be allowed? Photos? Only two? Is there something wrong with him? If his Facebook is set to private, start digging through his friends. If more than half his friends have profile pictures where they are throwing up gang signs or holding up beer–might be a slight cause for concern. If more than half his friends are female, might be a slight cause for concern or just might mean he is a really good listener.
5. Is He A Serial Killer?
During certain times of the month or other emotional times (e.g. a breakup) a woman will throw on some comfy yoga pants, grab some ice cream or chips, click on the television and binge watch Lifetime movies. This can often turn into an entire weekend binge watching Lifetime. Lifetime movies are made for women– to make them cry and/or feel scared. They are sappy and generally starring D-list actors. Women love them.
Unfortunately watching so many Lifetime movies has skewed her perception of men. Is he going to turn into a raging asshole? Is he abusive? Does he secretly dislike women that resemble his mother? These crazy thoughts will pass through her head–hopefully not spending more than a millisecond hanging around.
With the abundance of social media channels and everything online these days, paying for background checks is kind of a thing of the past. She undoubtedly has googled his name on the various search engines.
4. How Much Eye Contact?
He’s talking. She’s talking. He’s talking. She’s listening–or is she really listening? If she’s looking up at the ceiling or down at her vibrating cell phone–then she’s probably not listening. Eye contact shouldn’t be fleeting or jumping around the room. She should be looking at him straight in the eyes with occasional glances down or to the side.
If he is giving too much eye contact, she will either be turned on by his intensity or turned off by his intensity. She doesn’t want to feel like he wants to devour her, but she also doesn’t want him to feel like she’s picturing him naked.
3. Flirty or Creepy Smile?
She catches her smile in her spoon or the reflection on her iPhone case. Oh dear God. She looks like a total creeper. She tried sexy but sexy just seemingly turned into weird. She hasn’t really mastered flirty yet. She might try the half smile with her hand slightly obscuring the other half of her mouth. Scarlett Johnasson? Well, not quite. What about if she does the slightly open mouth Victoria’s Secret smile? Nope. It looks like she’s waiting to take a bite out of your neck. If she concentrates too hard on mastering the flirty smile she’s going to fail. The more relaxed she is, the more natural her smile will be. Hence, more attractive.
2. Was That Too Much Wine?
She doesn’t want to be seen as someone who needs to drink in order to have fun but she doesn’t want to seem like Miss Goody Two-Shoes. So, how much is too much? If she sticks with one glass, that seems pretty reasonable. She’ll be relaxed enough to stop picking at her fingernails and will put the coaster, menu, or whatever else she’s fidgeting with down. She won’t be face plant drunk, which is always a good thing, but she’ll hopefully be relaxed enough to carry on a conversation.
What if she’s drinking something other than wine. She should tick with two drinks max. After two drinks she should switch to water. This is a first date. This isn’t a college fraternity party where the goal is to get as drunk as humanely possibly before trying to stumble your way home in the most uncomfortable heels possible.
1. Who Will Pay The Bill?
The bill comes to the table. Does she reach for it? What if he lets her take it? If he lets her take it or suggests going dutch, this relationship is over even before it started. If he takes the bill from her and insists on paying–he’s had a great time and this relationship may be heading in the right direction–if she feels the same way.
If she doesn’t offer to pay, yes she will be coming across as a bit of an entitled snot. The polite thing to do is offer to pay. There is only one exception to this rule and that’s if he was a disrespectful a*shole. If that was the case, stick him with the bill… after ordering a nice glass of cabernet sauvignon 1988.