Are you single and female? Do you cry yourself to sleep every night dreaming of Prince Charming? Are you insanely jealous of your friends who are in relationships? Do you spend all your free time planning out your future wedding with your future spouse, whoever he might be? Hopefully, you answered a big, fat NO.
Regardless of what people say, being single is definitely a great choice. Sure, you could take your friend Joe out of the friend zone and date him or settle for the sleazy guy who drools all over you at the gas station, but why would you go and do that?! Being single has some amazing advantages. There’s the freedom to make decisions without having to run them by another party. Feel like taking a weekend excursion to Maui? Go for it. Want to adopt that 150-pound Great Dane at the animal shelter? Sign that application and bring him home!
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
All the single ladies, now put your hands up!
– Beyonce, “Single Ladies”
Perhaps just knowing that there are hundreds of millions of females just like you out in the world can help give you some reassurance. Nobody likes to feel alone and you are far from alone! No, not everyone has the same background or is in the same geographic location as you. But, you do have at least one commonality and that’s being single! Here are 15 thoughts that single females share:
15. You Blinked And Missed Him!
Sh*t! You blinked and he walked right by you! The one you were meant to be with is now gone…forever. In the blink of an eye your future happy life disappeared. You had one chance to catch the man of your dreams, your soul mate. But then you blew it.
Wedding? Won’t ever happen. If it does, it will be to someone that isn’t your true soulmate. Man, that’s a kick in the gut. Somewhere out there, the guy you were supposed to be with is wandering around just as aimlessly as you are, all because you were playing Candy Crush on your iPhone or worse, taking a selfie with your Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino!
Why pay $40 for a pair of lacy, uncomfortable underwear when you’re the only one who’s going to seem them? Go for comfort but just be careful that you don’t end up in a Bridget Jones situation. Victoria’s Secret is out! Comfort is in!
If you’ve never seen Bridge Jones’ Diaries, Bridget is a self-conscious single gal that ends up going out on a date forgetting the fact that she’s wearing her suck-everything-in granny panties. The date goes better than expected and she ends up back at his place. One thing leads to another and before you know it, her granny panties are exposed. Only a little embarrassing, right?
13. Channing Tatum
You secretly wish Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan-Tatum would split up. You hate to wish the big ‘D’ word on anyone but you know if he was single, then that would make room for you, right? You would have that chance to run in with him in the Target toilet paper aisle. Destiny.
Jenna’s a gorgeous girl and all but there’s someone better suited for her out there somewhere. It’s almost selfish to wish her and Channing would stay together because that would be sentencing Jenna’s soulmate to a life of misery and despair.
Channing Tatum. You wonder if you’ll take his last name or if you can talk him into the new trend of him taking your last name. OR maybe you can hyphenate! A little premature to think about that yet. You don’t even have the names of your future kids picked out yet, let alone the formalities of your future last name.
12. HGTV Fixer Uppers
Why do you always end up with the fixer uppers?! It’s always the same ending! You can’t fix them! You must have some sort of fixer upper radar that just pulls guys needing serious psychological help to you.
You can’t help but watch the HGTV reality show Fixer Uppers and think of the guys you’ve tried to fix up and failed at…miserably. All the houses they find for this show are in horrible condition and they pour tons of TLC and BAM! they have a beautiful dream home. If only it would work that way for guys. A girl can dream, can’t she?
11. Date Nights
Who needs a guy?! I’m free to do whatever I want, when I want to do it. If I feel like scarfing a bowl of Doritos in front of a Lifetime movie marathon on a Saturday afternoon, I’ll do it. Binging on ice cream and reading Nicholas Sparks‘ books is an amazing way to spend a Friday night. Just think, if you were dating a guy, you would have to actually be getting out of your yoga pants and high school sweatshirt with the holes in the sleeves and be putting on regular clothes to leave the comfort of your house! You would probably have to go and interact with other people.
10. I Could Never Love Anyone As Much As I Love My..
Is it humanly possible to love anyone as much as you love your…dog or cat? It’s hard to even comprehend that such a thing could be possible.
How could they possibly understand you like your four-legged fur child does? Those soulful eyes looking up at you. Never judging. Not holding any grudges. Always in a good mood. Never standing you up for lunch. Always knowing when you need some extra TLC. Keeping your feet warm while you pull a late night working or indulging in some guilty pleasure reality trash TV.
9. Encore! Encore!
What goes on behind that shower curtain is nothing short of magical! The shampoo and conditioner bottles become your backup singers. The shower head becomes your microphone. Incredible, jaw-dropping Grammy award-winning musical performances go on behind that curtain. From Celine Dion’s “All By Myself” to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You,” you have an astounding repertoire.
8. Your Problem, Not Mine!
When your friends are telling you about their guy problems, if someone leaned in close enough, they might overhear you say something under your breath; something like, “…and that’s why I am single.”
You get a little bit of satisfaction when you listen to all the problems and stress your friends put themselves through in order to be with “the one.” Is there really such a thing as “the one” anyway? It seems like every girl calls whoever is their flavor of the day…or week…month, etc. You start doubting if there really is even such a thing. What if there happens to be more than one? What if “the one” never finds their corresponding “the one?” Then what? Does the universe get sucked into a black hole of doom?
7. A Little Bit Of Happiness
Award show after award show, magazine cover after magazine cover, we are inundated with ‘perfection’. Unrealistic body images, impossibly perfect relationships and marriages, outrageously expensive exotic vacations that only the ultra rich can afford to go on, and the list goes on. So, when something happens that makes a “perfect” celeb appear more “normal,” it’s kind of a breath of fresh air!
Now will Jennifer Aniston get a divorce, forgive Brad for his past indiscretions, and general mid-life crisis behavior, and find love with Brad again?
6. Too Weird
Can a person be too weird and too much of an oddball to find love? Perhaps you’re just extremely different from everyone else in the world and are unsuited for being in a healthy, happy relationship.
Maybe that’s how people end up in convents and monasteries. They’re too weird to find love. There’s probably an application process for entering a convent. It must be similar to college. But what if you’re even too strange to be accepted into a convent? Then what? Factionless? Divergent? That’s it. You would be a divergent. Society would cast you aside to let you fumble your way through life’s leftovers. Sadly, there would probably be no super hot Four to come join me.
5. It’s Not You. It’s Them.
Just like Mary Poppins, you are “practically perfect in every way.” How could anyone not want to date you? There are a lot of people with problems out there. Thank God you are not one of them. If someone doesn’t see you for the goddess that you are, screw them. There’s definitely something wrong with them.
You don’t have morning breath. You don’t go to the bathroom…ever. You aren’t clingy or needy. You aren’t seeking attention. You are very secure with yourself and aren’t the jealous type. (Can he still be friends with his ex-girlfriend of 4 years on Facebook? Absolutely!)
Why are you single? Because you CHOOSE to be single. You haven’t met anyone to make you want to change your relationship status. Maybe someday someone will come that’s not too screwed up and see you for who you really are but until then you are single and loving it!
4. Career Woman
A guy would only get in the way of your career aspirations. You have huge professional goals for yourself and nothing will get in your way to achieve those goals. You have witnessed many friends sprinting up the career ladder that suddenly get blindsided by some guy. Suddenly, all their professional goals come crashing down and they disturbingly seem happy about it. This will not be you. There is no one out there that could steer you away from your goals and dreams. NO ONE…ever.
Extreme focus and dedication is what it takes to make it and having a guy would be a terrible distraction. When the time is right you will find yourself a Jared Kushner (aka Mr. Ivanka Trump) but for now you are perfectly content with your relationship status, or lack thereof.
3. Au Naturale
If you kept growing your leg hair out, do you think you would end up looking like Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf? Does the hair just keep growing?
It feels so weird having hairy legs. Difficult to believe Madonna and Julia Roberts and all those other au naturale celebrities enjoy this feeling all year round. But, it does make showering a heck of a lot easier. No need to try to balance on one foot or get into any weird yoga poses to shave your legs. You feel like you’re part of a cool secret club or sisterhood. The Sisterhood of the Hair-Legged Women.
2. All Around The World
Your bags are packed and your passport is ready! It’s time to hit the road. Being single is great because you can go wherever you want, whenever you want. And when you get to your destination, you don’t have to feel rushed or pressed for time. Want to spend an hour staring at the Mona Lisa in Louvre? Go right ahead. Make your wallet cry on Rodeo Drive? Go for it. You won’t have anyone tapping their watch or rolling their eyes. You can be selfish on your vacation.
1. “You Could Be Next!”
Whenever you’re at a wedding or family get-together, it’s pretty much a guarantee that you will get asked by at least one nosy relative or friend on what your relationship status is. You know what you want to do whenever you get asked the same obnoxious questions? Punch the person in the face.
You envision yourself in the movie Fight Club. You’re a female Tyler Durden. 1-2-3-BAM! Your Great-Uncle Morty or some old friend from elementary school goes flying backwards not even realizing what hit them.
“You could be next!” You obviously could be next but you choose not to be next. And why is that? Because you’re smart, that’s why!