The Loch Ness Monster. Who really killed JFK? Why was Stonehenge built? Does Bigfoot live in Northern California? Is Elvis Presley still living? What happened to Amelia Earhart? What are women really thinking about in the shower? Definitely one of history’s biggest mysteries: what women are really thinking about in the shower. It’s a complex subject that has perplexed researchers and scientists for centuries.
Women are an obvious source of fascination. They’re mysterious and complicated. They are especially baffling to men. But are men and women all that different? Well, men and women are more alike than they are not alike, but there are still some definite differences. Go all the way back to Adam and Eve– it’s pretty obvious that after getting booted out of the Garden of Eden that Adam would have been a bit confused by Eve and why she allowed temptation to get the best of her. He probably was the first male in the history of the world to have the thought, “Man, women are complicated.”
When it comes to showering, the average shower for women lasts approximately 9.5 minutes. The average shower for men lasts 9 minutes. What are women thinking in there for those extra 30 seconds? Are they spending their half minute thinking about sex and having other dirty thoughts? That’s a good question. Let’s find out what women are really thinking in the shower.
15. American Idol Time
Move over Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera! Why didn’t I try out for American Idol? The shower is an amazing place to belt out your favorite Demi Lovato or Whitney Houston songs. The acoustics are downright incredible. Now she has Beyonce going: “All the singles ladies!” She is moving and shaking, getting in the groove when the water starts getting colder. She realizes she’s been belting it out in the shower for the past 35 minutes.
Showcasing her vocal abilities in the shower is one of her favorite things to do. She often wonders what Simon Cowell would say if he somehow ended up in her bathroom. Would she be signed to a record label and immediately whisked off to Las Vegas to replace Britney Spears at Caesars?
14. Shaving Sucks
Shaving sucks. There’s no way around it. Women have to shave everywhere. It’s a balancing act to try and keep different body parts out of the water while lathering shaving cream on other areas. Those shaving commercials are ridiculous. Nobody shaves like the women in those commercials. They don’t show when she steps out of the tub and has blood dripping down her ankle from where the razor cut a little too close–happens every time.
The shaving cream also slops all over the place. It’s fun to squirt out and watch it foam up all over the place but it never stays where it’s put. Does it even do any good? It has triple action moisturizers so I guess it must be good for your toes, right? Because that’s where it all ends up! What if she slips on the slick bottom of the tub and cracks her head on the faucet? The EMTs would have to find her… naked. Maybe someone would find her before the EMTs and throw a towel over her. Yes, that would likely happen. Instead of shaving, waxing might be a safer bet but it’s so expensive. Going to yoga class might help increase her flexibility to make shaving less of a challenge.
13. How Much Conditioner Again?
“Use a dime sized amount of conditioner.” Right. Who writes on the back of these labels? Better yet, who is actually able to use a dime sized amount of conditioner? Washing the first time you follow the directions but then you feel your hair and it just doesn’t feel conditioned enough. After using an entire handful of conditioner it then becomes difficult to wash it all out. Well at least her hair is going to be super soft… she hopes. What if it’s weighed down from the conditioner?
After looking at the ingredients she starts to tell herself that maybe switching to paraben free or organic would be most beneficial and make her feel better. Every time she gets in the shower she tells herself this. She never does it as the products are outrageously priced and don’t work that well. They also smell like patchouli and kale–not something she likes.
Should she use the thickening tonic or lift spray post-shower? Firm hairspray or semi-firm hairspray to tease? Why are there so many products? She wishes she could be like the women that only use coconut oil on their hair—and for everything! Coconut oil for hair. Coconut oil to eat. Coconut oil for brushing your teeth. Coconut oil to clean their counters.
12. What Was I Supposed To Do?
Whenever she steps in the shower she remembers things she has to do. The last trip to the grocery store she forgot paper towel. She forgot to call her great aunt Mary-Sue back. She needs to get her dog in for his grooming appointment. Does she have a personal training session tonight or tomorrow night?
Upcoming birthdays or anniversaries? Probably best to just grab a stack of cards to have on hand. Why does she never have extra cards on hand when she actually needs them? Laundry! Crap! Does she even have any clean underwear right now? She forgot to do the whites yesterday! Well, she’ll be free balling it today—free balling? What’s the female word for that? She’ll be doing that today. She needs to get the laundry done. Ugh. She wishes she was a billionaire, then she’d throw out all her dirty clothes and buy new clothes every day, or the more logical thing of hiring someone to do her laundry. That would be heaven.
11. Super Deep Thoughts
What is the meaning of life? What does it all mean? Could John Travolta and Tom Cruise be right about everything? When she gets out of the shower she should definitely look up how much it costs to become a member of the Church of Scientology. It’s probably an astronomical amount but it’s worth looking into. Does she have to be a mega superstar to be a Scientologist? Does she have to pass a test sitting across from Tom Cruise?
The meaning of life is a complex subject, a subject that can only be thought about while in the shower with soap suds running down her face. Einstein probably thought up the Theory of Relativity while taking a shower. Heck, Justin Timberlake probably wrote the lyrics to “SexyBack” while in the shower with Jessica Biel.
10. The Next Great Invention?
She is going to invent the next Snuggie! Remember the Snuggie? The ridiculously ugly blanket-jacket that was featured on every morning talk show and in those As Seen on TV commercials between 2008-2010? They even came out with Snuggies for dogs! Maybe the next Pillow Pet?! A glow-in-the-dark stuffed animal that lights up at night to keep adults—and kids from getting scared by the boogeymen hiding out in the closet! Genius.
So what is left to invent? What about something to hold her hairbrush while she uses a blow dryer to get that unachievable salon blow out look? Probably already been done. Definitely will be checking in the post-shower Google search. Once she finds your million dollar idea and brings it to the world’s attention she’ll be raking in the dough. What will she do when she doesn’t have to worry about bills or money anymore? Anything she darn well pleases!
9. It’s Way Too Cold Outside
The worst thing about a shower is knowing that she is going to have to get out of the shower at some point. That is the absolute worst feeling in the world that makes women everywhere procrastinate taking showers more than anything (well…this might be a tie with not wanting to ruin a beautiful, bouncy blow out!).
It’s amazing how cozy a woman feels in a shower. She could practically live in there–if the water never went cold–and she had a place to charge her iPhone. Whoever invented this awesome shower is a god.
8. A Psycho Scene Could Happen Today
If you’ve seen the infamous shower scene in the horror classic Psycho you will at one point or another find yourself wondering what that noise was in the other room or did you just hear your front door crack open. Is there a serial killer in the house? Women peek around the shower curtain to make sure the bathroom door is locked. If it’s not then she has to make a cold dash over to the door to shut and lock it–trying not to slip on the tile and crack her head open. She returns to the shower happy that she won’t have to worry about being stabbed to death by Norman Bates.
7. Was That My Phone Ringing?
Why hasn’t he called or returned the text that was sent last week? Is there something wrong with her phone? Maybe give it another day? He’s probably really busy with… wait is that her phone ringing? Women leap out of the shower and slide over to the counter to grab a phone. “1 New Text Message”. She starts doing the happy dance. The happy dance was premature. The text message was from her sister. Instead of gently setting the phone back down on the counter top it gets thrown into a pile of dirty clothes.
She huffs back into the shower no longer feeling like the orgasmic woman washing her hair from the Herbal Essences commercials. She peeks out from behind the shower curtain at her phone to see if it lights up a few more times before the water turns freezing and she is forced to get out.
6. This Mascara Will Not Come Off
It’s awful when women think they’ve washed all their makeup off the night before but obviously missed a little bit of mascara. Why the heck do they make waterproof mascara anyway? Why not make it tear-proof or rainproof? If something doesn’t get washed away by water why do women want it near their eyeballs? There must be makeup remover somewhere in the back of the medicine cabinet.
She thinks, “Never again will I wear mascara.” The stuff is glued to her face. Forget premature wrinkles! By the time this black goo comes off her face she will look like an 80 year old prune! Now clumps of eyelashes are coming out and getting in her eyeballs. So glad her lashes looked amaze-balls last night because they’re NEVER going to look like that again, because as soon as she gets out of the shower this $40 crap is going straight into the trash!
5. Move Over, Dude
She thinks, “Okay. It’s been fun, but now I need to really take a shower and I don’t like being the one stuck out in the cold. There’s nothing remotely sexy about this. This shower is way too small for the both of us. Please. Get. Out.”
Shower time is her time. The awkward shower sex was great but now she just feels claustrophobic and very cold. How do they do this in the movies and make it look so hot and sexy? There’s no weird, “Okay…your turn to get under the hot water….okay your turn to stand out in the cold…” A bigger shower with like four shower heads. Now that would be incredible.
Speaking of incredible he does look pretty hot in the shower. He looks better naked than he does in clothes. How is that even possible? She thinks, “Do I look better naked than I do in clothes?”
4. Channing Tatum Is Wonderful
She thinks, “Having Channing Tatum in here is the only thing that could make this shower any better, or hotter!” Channing Tatum in Magic Mike was amazing. Channing Tatum in Magic Mike XXL was better than Brad Pitt in Fight Club (Never imagined that could be possible!).
Too bad he’s married. And she’s way gorgeous. Jenna Dewan kind of looks like Mila Kunis. Hollywood marriages don’t last though so it wouldn’t be surprising if Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum ended up together. They would make an amazing couple. Not that anyone would want Channing and Jenna to divorce or Mila and Ashton Kutcher but if it did happen, Mila and Channing would be fairytale perfect. These are all shower thoughts, people. She thinks like this, trust me.
3. My Body is Falling Apart
“Is that cellulite on my a*s?” Her gym membership better be up-to-date because it’s going to be seeing a lot of her! She thinks she has to get in her best shape for… Naked and Afraid: Shower Edition. What would the one survival tool be? A razor!
How the heck does hair grow so fast? She just shaved 12 hours ago and already looks like an ape. Why can’t the hair on her head grow this fast?
Maybe it isn’t cellulite. Maybe it’s the way the water is rippling over her curvaceous body. That could definitely be possible. When did these new curves get here? It must have been yesterday. The triple caramel macchiato with extra whip probably was a little much. “Baby Got Back.”
2. Should I Take A Selfie?
Thanks to Facebook and Instagram women now know what all of their friends’ bathrooms look like. Why do people insist on taking selfies in the bathroom?! Selfie in the shower! Mwah! They look like coneheads with shampooed hair.
Can you believe she put that as her status? She’s desperate for likes. That’s so sad. Using vague statuses is so high school. How many likes did she get on her profile picture? Probably should take another one today because..this hair is going to look great! It definitely needs more conditioner though. Dime-size? Heck no! Palm full of conditioner will make this hair da bomb dot com.
She wonders where she put that selfie stick. Crap. Well there is a timer on her iPhone. Maybe she can do the au natural look for her profile picture? No makeup. No filter. #nomakeup. Whoa. Better not go that far. Veranda filter will give a non-Zombie looking glow but then again, Sepia will make her look thoughtful and deep. Decisions. Decisions.
1. Shampoo Is Better!
“Shampoo is better. It makes your hair squeaky and clean. Conditioner is better it makes your hair silky and smooth…” Everyone has had the Billy Madison conversation while taking a bath or shower. Re-enacting Adam Sandler‘s iconic bathtub scene from the 1995 slapstick comedy is something anyone born before 2000 has done or at least has thought of while their soaping up. Then you take your bottles and pretend-fight with them.
Which is better? Stranded on a desert island and you could only bring one. Which would a woman bring: conditioner or shampoo? The conditioner-shampoo 2-in-1 crap doesn’t work at all, so can’t bring that. Definitely going to have to do some thinking on this question and who knows– she might end up in a life or death situation where someone says “Choose or die!” and if she doesn’t have an answer…better figure out her answer now, while the water is still hot.