Yup, we’re going to dig into the down-and-dirty details. We’re all adults here. (If you aren’t, we advise you to skip this article and go read something about Disney rides or Spongebob memes.) We know what goes on between the birds and the bees. And everyone thinks they know just what the birds like and just what the bees like. But can we be honest here? You bees don’t always know exactly what you’re doing with your stingers. Even if you’re well seasoned in the art of… let’s call it whoopey… we’re willing to bet that you’re doing plenty of things that are still a bit unpleasant.
We’re not making blanket statements here! Some birds may really love your work! Some birds may absolutely love if their bee just skipped foreplay or sprinted to the finish line or asked for a sandwich immediately after… but we’re willing to bet that maybe your bird just hasn’t voiced some of her issues. But let’s lay our cards on the table — you could step up your game. And that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be taking classes or reading books or trying weird, new sh*t! Maybe it just means… stop doing that one thing you think is hot but is reeeeally, really not.
Here are a few pointers for you gentlemen who want to step up your game between the sheets just a smidgen. Remember, sometimes the smallest changes can make the most progress! Your lady may have even mentioned some of these pointers to you before, and you ignored them because “how big of a deal could it possibly be?” It’s a big deal, believe us. Here are fifteen things women hate men doing in bed.
15. Asking the Woman To Put the Condom On
Why do some of you guys ask that the woman be the one to put the condom on? First of all, it doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in the ladies if the dude is asking her to put the condom on. “Why? Can you not do it? Are you a virgin?” Asking the woman to put on the rubber is a red flag to her, saying you’re either inexperienced or lazy or nonchalant about safe sex. Kind of a problem.
But second of all, ew. Ladies know the condom is necessary, and they want you to wear one (SERIOUSLY, no woman finds the risk of pregnancy or an STD sexy. No man is worth that risk), but they don’t want to touch it! It’s slimy and smells weird and the rubbery-lube scent gets on their fingers, and then those fingers are going to be in your hair and all over you and all over herself and it’s just going to be gross! Just put it on yourself and spare yourself the drama.
14. Man Stubble — Down There
First of all, no one wants to see that. It looks like tiny ants crawling all over an uncooked hot dog at a picnic — AKA, the opposite of sexy.
Here’s our advice, guys: make a decision. Either choose to be the guy that man-scapes — and man-scapes a lot — (we’re talking performs routine maintenance at least once, if not more often, every week) or just let it grow as freely as they did in the 1960s down there. Shave or don’t shave — those are your only two choices. PLEASE stop this back and forth, willy-nilly nonsense. Sure, maybe it’s a treat for her the ONE TIME you get it on just after you’ve cleaned yourself up, but as soon as that hair starts growing again? We know it itches for you, and it’s straight up uncomfortable for her! It feels like sandy sex! Just make up your mind and do one or the other because stubble down there is absolutely unattractive. (This is not necessarily true for the face.)
13. Having To Use Lube
Alright, here’s the thing about lube: you should not ever really need it. If you’re having normal sex (meaning, things are going in their predetermined holes as defined by evolution and human biology) and both partners are equally into the idea, lube is pretty unnecessary. The female body does this wonderful thing wherein it lubricates itself in preparation for the man because her body is like “YEAH, LET’S DO THIS.” If her lady parts aren’t self-lubricating, then she’s either overwhelmingly dehydrated or her body is like “hmm, I guess we can do this.” If you’re using a lot of lube, which always smells weird and (no matter what the label says) tastes weird, you’re doing something wrong. Very wrong. So put down the lube and work instead on turning her on. She doesn’t care if it’s supposed to taste like blackberry pie; it’s gross, and she’s not into this.
12. Ask “Do You Like That?”
What if the answer was “no?” What now, big guy? How do you feel about asking that question?
Asking “do you like that?” is just about as bad as asking her “can you feel it?” YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO ASK! And if you do, that doesn’t display a whole lot of confidence coming from your end of the equation. Look, if she’s not liking whatever you’re doing, there are plenty of ways to tell such as: if she’s silent, if she’s taking an excruciatingly long time to get excited, or if she’s watching Family Guy over your shoulder as you’re trying to make it happen. We think most guys ask “do you like that?” out of habit — you watched guys say it in p*rn a lot, and you think it’s just something you’re supposed to ask. Listen, she’ll inform you if she’s not enjoying whatever you’re doing. Please don’t ask rhetorical questions you really don’t want to hear the answer to.
11. Or Telling Her To Finish “For You”
Some women call this “appropriating their pleasure.” If you don’t understand what we’re talking about here, let us explain the situation. You’re in the middle of sex; perhaps, she’s even told you how to best make her… achieve satisfaction. And you decide it’s totally sexy to tell her to c*m for you.
First of all, it’s not like women just will themselves to finish. Not how it works. You’ve got to get her there or let herself get there in her own time. It’s not just going to happen because you commanded her to do it. Secondly, what kind of douchebag power play is that?! Sorry, but is her inability to finish due to your poor moves somehow her fault? No, sir. Third, stop asserting dominance over her. It takes two to tango, and we’re betting that she doesn’t need your chauvinist bullsh*t — there are plenty of fish in the sea that won’t be so sexist. You want her to cross that finish line, you help her to make it happen — don’t act like you’re some sex god that can lay down commandments.
10. Talking Yourself Up Too Much
Speaking of sex gods, you aren’t one of them. You may think you’re amazing in bed — hell, you may have even heard directly from women that you’re divine between the sheets, that you’re skilled in secret and taboo arts, and that they’ve never experienced anything like you. These women were lying to make you feel better. Unless these women were virgins who have never experimented with themselves and have only had sex with you, they are lying! Sure, every guy does different stuff in bed; you’re all special little snowflakes. But none of you are that good. (Some of you are that bad, though. Just saying.)
Look, a woman likes a man who is confident. That’s true. But ladies don’t like smarmy, douchebag guys who think women owe them sex or like their sex is a gift to be bestowed upon women. You’ve got to find the balance between confidence and humility — you’re a stand-up, proud man, but you want to have a good time, not OWN a woman. It’s kind of a turn off when you treat women like they’re your lessers.
9. Wanting To Finish Somewhere Wholly Unpleasant
“No, no, no, no, no,” is what every woman thinks when a man says he wants to finish somewhere irregular. Some guys think it’s totally sexy to finish on a woman’s boobs (not the worst thing ever), on her face (pretty unpleasant), in her eyes (literally blinding), or in her hair (WHICH IS JUST GROSS). Sorry, but do you think that your junk is like a natural hair mask that belongs on spa shelves? Let us inform you: it does not. Sure, it’s gotta go somewhere, and if you’re not using a condom (which we’re pretty sure we already warned you about), then you gotta take it somewhere else. But seriously? We know you’ve seen some weird p*rn, but those ladies were paid to pretend they were into that. Unless you’re paying your lady, we doubt she’s into it. Maybe she sounded like she was into it in the heat of the moment when she really just wanted you to get her across the finish line, but believe us — she does not want an eye infection caused by your sticky grossness.
8. When Her Hair Is Pulled So Hard She Wants To Cry
Okay, listen up. This is a fine line to walk.
Some women really love getting their hair pulled in bed. It’s similar to the sensation of someone playing with your hair, you know, when someone runs their fingers through your hair and maybe gives you a little scalp massage? It can be a lovely feeling, matching stimulation around the bottom of her spine with stimulation at the top. However, don’t torture the damn girl! There’s a big difference between a soft tug on her hair and wrapping your fist around her hair like you would around the reins on a horse! That sh*t is painful! Unless you’re trying to reenact a fetish scene from a Saw movie wherein a woman’s scalp is torn off, ease up on the reins there, sport. The second you yank too hard on that hair, she’ll go from a hard sprint to a dead stop — she’s not crossing that finish line any time now.
7. When You Spank Her So Hard She Wants To Punch You
While we’re talking about potentially painful things in bed, we should visit the topic of spanking. Just like a little hair pull, women like it sometimes when they get a little spank on the behind. Why? We don’t know… maybe it’s just more stimulation in the area. Maybe it feels like a quiet compliment that you really like her butt. Maybe it’s just a pleasant surprise that takes her off-guard, which is always a good thing during the act. But when you spank her as if you’re spanking a horse to get it off and running? OUCH. If it leaves a bruise the next day, you’ve done something wrong. If she can’t wear a bikini or underwear the next day because it’s still sore, you’ve done something wrong. If she screams “OW” right after you do it, and it doesn’t sound like she’s into it anymore, you’ve done something wrong! SO STOP DOING IT! She’s not your punching bag; she’s your lover! TREAT HER AS SUCH.
6. Using Toys You Don’t Even Understand
Men and women have varying degrees of experience with sex toys. To be honest, women probably have the upper hand here on men. A lot of sex toys were designed with her in mind, helping the lady reach the finish line after the man has sprinted there and immediately started to nap. When a guy is the one that suggests bringing toys into the bedroom, it’s a bold move. He’s either saying “let’s shake things up to spice up our sex life because you’re starting to bore me,” or he’s saying “I clearly am not getting you off enough, so let’s try something different.” The rule with toys is the same as the rule with the real thing, guys: it’s not just about going hard and fast. Have some technique and style. Discover what the toy does before you try just jamming it in there because, most likely, it doesn’t even go in there. Otherwise, you’re going to abruptly end sex with both parties wishing they could forget what had just happened.
5. Drag It Out So She “Has Fun,” Too
Women get it! They really do! Sometimes, you guys get into things really fast, and it feels like you’re ready to cross the finish line just after you started the race. The ladies get it. Sometimes, on rare occasions, it’s actually sort of a compliment: you just weren’t able to contain yourself because she was so hot. Mind you, it’s usually more of a frustration. And you know that! So sometimes, you guys know that you could finish, but you want to be polite and go longer so she could maybe finish, too — but that just means you’re having lazy, sluggish sex that isn’t good for either of you. If you’re going to finish, just do it — you’re not doing her any favors by dragging it out. Instead, try actually engaging in thorough foreplay or maybe taking a break and actually getting to work on getting her off before you finish. It’s not like ten more seconds of phallus is really gonna do it for her.
4. Use Stupid Interjections
GOOD GOD. PLEASE STOP SAYING THINGS AFTER SEX THAT RUIN THE WHOLE ENDEAVOR. Women get that you think you’re funny. But this is not the time for comedy or for testing out your awkward one-liners. So stop saying things that sound like sound effects written into comic books, like “Blam-o!,” “Whammy!,” and “Sploosh!” And stop finishing the act and summating the experience with some douchebag, frat-boy, cliched phrase that ruins everything like “that happened,” “that’s what she said,” and, the absolute worst possible thing you could ever say, “you’re welcome.” Saying sh*t like that just makes women want to glare at you, get out of bed, walk into the bathroom, grab the toilet brush, and ram it down your throat. SHUT UP and stick with phrases that are complimentary and kind to both parties, like “that was amazing,” “good morning to you, too,” or “you’re divine; can I get you anything?”
3. Biting N—–s
OUCH. STOP IT. Why on earth would you think it’s a good idea to find one of the most sensitive and delicate spots on a woman’s body and bite it? You know what happens when breastfeeding mothers start to get bitten by the babies they’re feeding? They get taken off the boob and they get to drink formula from then on. Because ladies are not standing for that sh*t.
When you playfully bite her nipple, that hurts. Even if she laughs it off, that HURTS. It’s not funny! It’s not cute! It hurts! Treat her nipples like you treat her other genitalia or like you would want your genitalia to be treated. You wouldn’t like it if she gave you a purple-nurple, would you? Or if she visited your other delicate places and bit down? Right. So think back to kindergarten and remember the golden rule (a bit modified): “treat other genitalia as yours would be treated.”
2. Just Doing Too Much N—–e Work
Actually, we need to talk about boobs, in general. Boobs are fun for everyone. You think women don’t like playing with their boobs? Boobs are great! Even just sitting here and writing this article, we’re having so much fun just writing the word “boobs” over and over! Boobs are awesome!
But cool it, sport. It’s one thing to have some grabbing, fondling, bouncing — as long as you’re not grabbing and pulling on them like they’ll just pop right off of her (spoiler alert: they won’t, and that really hurts), you’re okay. But it’s another thing when you latch on like a newborn and start sucking. Um… what? Don’t pretend like you don’t do this; A LOT OF GUYS DO THIS. They just start working on them like they’re nursing babies or something and it genuinely creeps ladies out. Like, do you think she’s your mother? Do you have some Oedipal complex you need to tell them about? Are you trying to get milk out of there or something?
1. Attempt to Recreate P–n Moves
Ladies are not dumb. They know you’re still watching p–n even if you’re getting it on the regular. It’s gross and weird, but they know you’re still doing it. You know how they know? Because occasionally, you’ll bring some weird sh*t into the bedroom that they know you didn’t get from them. Look, some of the moves they do in those videos are interesting and creative. But these are paid professionals! She (and YOU) are not, and when you get her into a half yoga headstand, and you just get to kneel and thrust like usual, you’re bound to get someone hurt — and it’s probably going to be her. And when you say sh*t like “I really want to try this,” she assumes it’s important to you, and she puts herself at risk for you. So unless you’re willing to assume the mantel of balancing on your head while someone pounds into you from one direction, constantly throwing you off balance while all of your weight is distributed over your neck, don’t pressure her into doing it.