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15 Secrets From “Rocket Man” Kim Jong Un’s Inner Circle

High Life
15 Secrets From “Rocket Man” Kim Jong Un’s Inner Circle

If you haven’t heard of “Rocket Man” Kim Jong Un, then you most likely haven’t been reading the papers or watching the news.

To give a quick rundown, Kim Jong Un is the dictator of North Korea, the most politically-isolated country in the world. He took the country’s reins in 2011 upon the death of his father, Kim Jong Il, who inherited the role from his father, Kim Il Sung, the leader put in place following the Korean War. To this day in North Korea, where religion is expressly verboten, Kim Il Sung is the closest thing to a god-like figure.

There are a lot of stories about Kim Jong Un and his forebears. A few years before his death, his father claimed–with a straight face–that he shot something like a 25 on a standard, par-72 golf course. For reference, the best golfers in the world almost never shoot under 60 and even 65 or under is considered a tremendous score.

Another hobby of the Kims is scaring countries like South Korea and Japan by conducting nuclear tests over their mainland and, lately, engaging in back-and-forth tough talk with the U.S. President. He’s the one who gave Kim Jong Un the moniker “Rocket Man” for his love of weapons of mass destruction. If you’re thinking that a guy like Kim Jong Un has some pretty crazy stories, you aren’t wrong. Here are 15 shocking ones straight from his inner circle.

15. He Got Plastic Surgery To Look Like His Grandfather

via:cafe-sokrates.de

When you put this in the context of a normal dude in a normal country, it’s just insane. I mean, my grandfathers were decent-looking dudes, and I’m sure both of them pulled plenty of chicks in their heydays. But as a guy the same age as Kim Jong Un, if I’m dropping the money for plastic surgery so I can look like another dude, it’s going to be Zac Freaking Efron, not someone who’s in his 80’s or 90’s no matter how much I look up to him. The only reason I’d pay thousands of dollars to change what I look like is to smash more with the ladies, not look half a century older than I really am. But Kim Jong Un isn’t a normal dude in a normal country.

14. When His Father Died, Mourning Was Mandatory

via:thedailybeast.com

When Kim Jong Il bought the farm in 2011, let’s be real, his son probably reacted the same way that Danny DeVito did in Ruthless People when his wretched wife got kidnapped—lots of tears in public, followed by lots of jumping up and down on the bed and cheering in private. After all, the whole country is now his. But for the millions of citizens under his iron fist, mourning was mandatory, as in you could literally be sentenced to hard labor for not showing enough grief over Kim Jong Il’s death. A cottage industry even emerged of grief coaches training people on how to shed a sufficient number of crocodile tears. Wonder if Colin Kaepernick still thinks it’s so bad here after reading that.

13. He Threw His Uncle Into A Cage Of Hungry Dogs

via:dailydot.com

As the story goes, Kim Jong Un’s father, Kim Jong Il, had a brother, Jang Song Thaek, who was not too pleased that a short, fat, bratty, not-even-30-year-old took over the dictatorship upon Il’s death. So, he tried to overthrow the state. Kim Jong Un caught word of the coup attempt. If that happened in the United States, the president would probably tweet that his uncle is a “loser” and give him a humiliating nickname. But this is North Korea, so Kim Jong Un reacted even more impulsively. Legend has it that he sentenced his uncle to an execution, then carried it out by stripping him naked and heaving his body into a cage of dogs that hadn’t been fed for days.

12. His Ridiculous Haircut Is Popular In North Korea By Law!

via:businessinsider.com

When I was a senior in high school, a gym buddy told me about a place where I could get a $6 haircut. That’s right about when I learned the truth of the old adage that you get what you pay for. The end result looked like Mr. Potato Head—a tuft of hair on the top, completely shaved on the sides and back, and no attempt whatsoever to blend the two parts. In other words, it looked a lot like the ‘do that Kim Jong Un has been sporting his entire time as dictator. But whereas I had to deal with the fallout at school–and right in the thick of prom season, too–Kim Jong Un simply made it the law for his haircut to be cool by forcing male college students to trim their manes the same way.

11. He Is A Four-Star General But Has No Military Experience

via:thedailybeast.com

Remember how nuts everyone went when Donald Trump said he knew more than the generals on the ground? Or, perhaps worse, when he responded to a question on who he consults with about foreign policy matters by saying, “Mainly myself. I have a very good brain.” He got completely crushed in the media, with many pundits correctly pointing out that the president has not served a day in the armed forces unless you count the military-style high school he attended (which you shouldn’t count). Too bad for President Trump, this isn’t North Korea. If it were, he could just declare himself a general, and even give himself four stars while he’s at it. Kim Jong Un, despite his lack of military experience, holds that exact title in his country.

10. His Aunt Was Sad About Her Husband… So He Took Care Of Her Too

via:pinterest.com

Rocket Man is just out there straight up Eric and Lyle Menendezing the elders in his family. We already reported that he killed his uncle, but he had a decent reason there, or as decent a reason as one can have for throwing a naked family member into a cage of hungry dogs and watching them devour him—his uncle was trying to steal the country’s leadership from him. But Kim Jong Un killed his aunt for no other reason than she was sad that her husband was turned into dog food. He was slightly more humane in dispatching her, simply poisoning her food. In fact, this method even gave him plausible deniability, with some in the country claiming that she died of natural causes or committed suicide. But this is Kim Jong Un. Which story do you think is more likely?

9. He Is The Youngest World Leader If His Age Is Accurate

via:reddit.com

Nobody is quite sure of the exact year Rocket Man was born. In case you hadn’t picked up on this already, the regime over in North Korea is pretty secretive. For instance, they claim that nobody lives in poverty and their economy is a veritable conflagration. But humanitarian groups that have studied the country state that as many as half its children are malnourished. Also, remember his father’s reported golf score, which would have meant acing multiple par 4’s and even par 5’s. So, while Kim Jong Un claims to be 33 years old, that could mean anything from 18 to 80. But let’s take him at his word and say he’s 33. That would make him the youngest world leader on the globe. Perhaps he’ll improve with experience, although I don’t think anyone is holding their breath.

8. He Went To College In Switzerland Under A Fake Name — But Played Too Many Video Games And Flunked Out!

via:theregister.co.uk

Rocket Man’s father, Kim Jong Il, sent his son to the International School of Berne in Switzerland under the name Pak Un. (That’s pronounced “packin,” and according to several female defectors who were once part of his harem, it’s a highly inaccurate moniker.) Unfortunately, Not-Pak-Un spent all his time playing video games and zero time going to class or studying for exams. He eventually flunked all his classes, and his father had to pull him out of school and enroll him in a state school in North Korea. So basically, he’s like that rich kid from your high school who got into UPenn because of his dad’s money and connections, but couldn’t hack it and joined the rest of your class at Penn State second semester freshman year.

7. He Is Addicted To Swiss Cheese

via:nymag.com

When you look at Rocket Man’s physique, it’s pretty obvious that he isn’t eating Paleo and doing Crossfit. The story from inside North Korea is that his short, round physique is intentional. After all, his grandfather, Kim Il Sung, was built the same way, and he’s worshiped in the country. And because North Korean chicks are shielded from American media and therefore aren’t exposed to actual panty-dampening physiques such as those possessed by The Rock and such, it’s possible that they believe Kim Jong Un has the perfect body. But those who went to school with him in Switzerland for that brief time before he flunked out have another explanation. While he was there, he got hooked on (what else?) Swiss cheese and remains addicted to this day.

6. He Was Named The Sexiest Man Alive At Age 29

via:pinterest.com

Even those of us who could not possibly care less about celebrity gossip occasionally get caught glancing at those rags they sell at the grocery store checkout line, the ones that report such hard-hitting breaking news stories as which starlet is still crying over a breakup from five years ago. Another contribution those publications make to the world of journalism is that all of them seem to know–although they rarely agree–who the sexiest man or woman is on the planet during any given year. One year, according to one publication, it was Kim Jong Un, of all people. That’s right, a magazine extolled the dictator’s “strong, sturdy frame” and “boyish charm,” calling him a “heartthrob” who is “every woman’s dream come true.” The newspaper was something called The Onion, which I’ve never heard Trump refer to as fake news, so it must be true.

5. He Punished A Ministry Chief For Showing Up Drunk To Kim Jong Il’s Mourning By Burying Him In Mortar

via:theonion.com

It seems that there was only one appropriate way to mourn the death of Kim Jong Il in North Korea—lots and lots of tears. One ministry chief took to the bottle the night of the dictator’s death, and when he encountered Rocket Man at his father’s official mourning the next day, he still had booze on his breath and appeared intoxicated. Did Kim Jong Un throw him in the drunk tank? Make him take a cold shower? Give him coffee to sober up? None of the above. Instead, he tried to up the punishment he meted out to his uncle. Ask yourself how you would rather die—by getting locked in a cage with a pack of hungry dogs or getting thrown into a pit of wet mortar and having it slowly harden over you?

4. North Koreans Believe That His Father, Kim Jong Il, Never Used The Toilet

via:nypost.com

I don’t mean that he did his business in the woods, out in the open, or even in his pants. All of those would be believable in a backwards place like North Korea. I mean that the citizens of North Korea were actually taught–and truly believed, as those sad subjects have little to no access to information that isn’t state-sponsored–that Kim Jong Il existed on such a higher plane that he did not have the need to urinate or defecate. Taking a page from Kim’s playbook, women in developed countries often try to convince guys of the same thing when first dating, but even Western dudes are smarter and more enlightened than those poor North Koreans and figure out the truth quickly.

3. He Has The Cures To Many Diseases

via:thedailybeast.com

Along with no poverty, unemployment, or crime in North Korea, apparently, they do not suffer from serious diseases either, such as AIDS and Ebola. At least that’s the word coming out of North Korea from its leader after he gets done golfing a perfect game and not taking a dump afterward. In fact, they don’t have any health problems, and their citizens are the world’s healthiest. But, if you’re worried about how North Korea will handle an outbreak should it happen in the future, don’t be. That’s because the country, according to Kim Jong Un, already has the cures figured out to most of the diseases that are still killing people everywhere else. They just haven’t had to deploy them because nobody gets sick there.

2. Michael Jordan Is His Favorite NBA Player

via:mercurynews.com

Very few United States citizens have been welcomed into North Korea. Perhaps the most famous among that select group has been retired basketball star Dennis Rodman, who won multiple NBA championships with the Chicago Bulls in the 1990’s. Rodman is reported to get along very well with Kim Jong Un, the two of them having been pictured together on several occasions yukking it up during basketball games in North Korea. But it is his former teammate, the greatest basketball player of all time, that remains number one in the eyes of Rocket Man. He is a huge Michael Jordan fan. The dictator apparently became enamored with basketball while he was not studying in Switzerland. He spent what little time he wasn’t engaged in video games playing the sport.

1. He Has A “Pleasure Troupe” Harem Of Young Women

via:independent.co.uk

Being the supreme leader of North Korea comes with a few fringe benefits. For starters, you’re one of the few people in the country who live a life of luxury while everyone else starves, so that’s a pretty good deal. But even better, they also have something called “pleasure troupes.” It’s pretty much like it sounds—a “troupe” of young, attractive North Korean women whose entire existences revolve around giving you pleasure. The tradition was started by Kim Il Sung, then passed on to his son and then his grandson. The only caveat, though, is once your old man croaks and you become dictator, you have to wait out a three-year mourning period before you get access to the pleasure troupe. Because North Koreans dictators are way too moral to start hanging with chicks right after a parent dies.

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