Chemistry in the bedroom with someone is akin to a dance, with a number of missteps and wrong moves it can go from phenomenally hot to sloppy, jerky and downright bad. In the early weeks of dating there is so much pressure on being a good kisser, you’d think some of this would carry over to later moments, and back into bedroom escapades. The truth is people, particularly those who find themselves in long-term relationships can get lazy.
With the term “different strokes for different folks” literally applying here, everyone has a different perspective on what makes someone a Casanova or a complete bore between the sheets. Sometimes things can start out hot, and begin to fizzle when someone stops putting in effort, other times there is no spark, no matter how attracted you are to your bedmate physically.
While many have said there is no such thing as bad pizza, in the same way that there is no such thing as a bad “happy hour” encounter, sometimes someone will downright suck in the sack. If this is a casual fling, or a hookup, this shouldn’t really be an issue, but sometimes someone you genuinely care about and want to (or already are) in a long term relationship with is a lousy lover. Sometimes it can be hard to put your finger exactly on what’s wrong, whereas other times it screams like alarm bells. Here are 15 ways she sucks at “happy hour”, and how to turn down the suck, and crank up the awesome.
15. She’s A Starfish
You’re making out on the couch and things are getting hot and heavy fast. Everyone’s pants are “chafing them” and after a short strip tease you make your way to the bedroom for the main course. She climbs under the covers, naked, and then just lays there. She doesn’t move, she barely responds to what you’re doing, and at this point she might as well be a blow-up doll because it’s not like she’s even there most of the time. If you’re doing all of the work and she barely lifts a finger, unless that’s something you’re into, she’s not doing her part. Women and men alike need to realize that there is more to this experience than a pretty face and a “hot bod”. Unless there is a physical mobility issue she shouldn’t just be lying there. Consider encouraging her to move her hips or get on top to mix things up.
14. She Gives You The Silent Treatment
Communication is key to a good relationship, and a connected conversation shouldn’t end in the restaurant on date night. Silence in the bedroom can be deafening, especially since no one is going to get what they want if they’re not willing to speak up and provide some indication about what’s working and what isn’t. A silent partner can seem bored, or lackadaisical, like their time between the satin sheets is a chore and not something to be enjoyed. No feedback means no direction from either side, and everyone deserves to know when they’ve done a good job and what needs a little fine tuning. Speaking up doesn’t necessarily mean that she needs to fill the room with dirty talk, but a little guidance from both sides can help create a sensual experience that everyone can enjoy. A little moan here and there can be the perfect encouragement to make a good time even better.
13. The Two Of You Have Misaligned Libidos
While popular culture often shows the guy who can’t get his mind off of his favourite pastime, whereas women are the ones to feign a headache, reality can be quite different. Talk to your friends and it will become quickly apparent that it isn’t always women who are guilty of a lackluster appetite in the bedroom, while men are panting at the bedside like rabid dogs, everyone is different in terms of appetites and needs. Issues often arise from libidos that are different when one person takes offense at someone turning down a bedroom romp. Someone saying ‘no’ once in awhile shouldn’t impact self-esteem of a partner or become an instant blow out fight, but both people should be aware of how they are approaching their partner and how they are turning each other down (and how often). Kindness and communication over needs in the relationship and in bed are important, but sometimes are best left until a later time after everyone’s “jets” have cooled.
12. Her Self-Esteem & Body Image Is Getting In The Way
Humans aren’t perfect. Some people don’t like their hips, boobs, their bums or legs, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is when this starts impacting intimate time in a negative way. Someone who is so self-conscious of their body that they insist on lights out and under the covers nookie with “no peaking” probably isn’t going to rock anyone’s world. They’ll spend too much time worrying about how their thighs look and not enough time concentrating on, er, the important task at hand. Elizabeth Gilbert aptly says in Eat Pray Love, “Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have… undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It’s because he doesn’t care! He’s in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery.” Women (and men) need to embrace this sentiment and bring it with them to bed, along with a pinch of self-confidence.
11. She Won’t Stop Talking About Things That Turn You Off
Communication is key to a healthy relationship, but talking too much can also be a huge turn-off, especially in the middle of the deed. Some people, particularly when they get nervous, blabber on about nothing or say random things that are a big turn-off. Most people don’t want to hear about what someone did to the photocopy machine at work, how cute puppies are, or about that amazing new beer for sale in the middle of other festivities. Rambling on about other things while in the bedroom shows that her mind is absolutely everywhere and not focused on the “right here, right now moment”. Some guys try to make-out with “the talker” to see if it will help her take the hint, but conversation eventually makes it back to whatever pops into her head, no matter how unsexy it is. Save the regular conversation for another time.
10. She Can’t Keep Up Physically
Physical fitness is important. Someone who can’t run up a flight of stairs without needing to take a break probably isn’t going to be breaking any records for tantric sex, or even capable of testing out that fancy move from the Kama Sutra with you. Even though she’s huffing and puffing, she’s probably not going to blow your house down. When one partner is doing all of the work in the bedroom it can be exhausting, boring, and not much fun. While no one needs to be a marathon runner level athlete to enjoy other extra-curricular activities getting in better shape doesn’t hurt. Don’t just blame your partner for being less active after putting on the long term relationship 15 (seriously this is a thing just like the freshman 15), get moving, together. Consider making a date once or twice a week to go to a yoga class or hit the gym together, improved flexibility and stamina can help both partners in and out of the bedroom.
9. She Doesn’t Reciprocate
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” This applies in bed as well. If someone expects their partner to “go downtown” as a part of foreplay, it’s only fair that they also take the commute for their partner. All parties should initiate “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” so things don’t feel one sided, cause heck everyone wants to feel desired! Sex, much like relationships is all about compromise. Have a frank conversation with each other about what items you like on the menu every time, sometimes, or those that are better saved for special occasions. Bizarre expectations about who does what when, with no discussion beforehand will likely lead to some sort of standoff where no one’s needs are being met. If something is completely off the table for one person take the time to discuss it, try to find a way to work around it, and determine whether or not this will be a deal-breaker in the long term.
8. She’s Always Connected To Social
Modern technology is great, except for when it’s not. Anyone who is more focused on a text from a friend, a new Like on their Instagram post or watching TV than they are from what’s going on in the room right in front of them, is going to be a bore both conversationally and in the bedroom. This person’s constant FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) saps any enjoyment they can have or bring in a personal, and supposedly sensual interaction. Consider making a rule to keep all phones out of the bedroom, or date nights or any other time that you really want to connect with each other. If she can’t separate from her phone to spend real quality time with you (barring family, medical, and rare work emergencies where she really needs to remain on the grid) then maybe it’s time to move on to someone who will prioritize the person right in front of them over a virtual experience.
7. She’s Too Funk To Druck
Yes, booze can lower inhibitions and be a great way to warm up to other activities on date night, but sexual response is delayed when anyone drinks too much, making what could be a great night less awesome for everyone involved. Drinking too much, at one time or on a regular basis can also negatively impact the sex drive for both men and women. So before either of you reach for that nightcap, maybe consider sipping on some water instead and putting the Chardonnay back in the fridge for the next date night. Major signs that alcohol is taking over you or your relationship include: Mood swings based on drinking, health problems related to drinking, problems at work, legal issues related to incidents while drinking, driving under the influence, lying about drinking, self-isolation, and regular (unfulfilled) promises to cut back or quit.
6. One Bad Egg Doesn’t Spoil The Whole Batch
Everyone is entitled to be “off their game” once in a while. Give your partner a much needed get-out-of-jail-free card once in a while to excuse, not every encounter is going to blow your mind. Not every game is going to be your best game either, so cut your partner some slack. When things aren’t going well in the bedroom quite like they normally are, ask her if she wants to take a break, or talk, maybe she had a terrible day and needs to talk things out. If this becomes a trend get talking together, preferably not directly after a “meh” experience. Consider going to your partner with solutions, things you want to try, instead of complaining. Remember you catch more flies with honey, and in new relationships you should have fun figuring out what your partner likes.
5. She’s Looking For An Academy Award, In The Bedroom
No one likes a phony. It doesn’t matter if it’s at work, in your group of friends, or in the bedroom. A girl who acts like she’s starring in her own adult film every single time you hook up is probably over-acting, and odds are you’ll get a hunch if you’re really that brilliant or if she’s into major theatrics. Sure loud screaming and moaning can be fun, but if your normal girlfriend suddenly turns into an over-acting orator it can be a big turn-off. Turns out up to 80 percent of women admit they over-exaggerate their pleasure to enhance the guy’s experience. Most people enjoy themselves more when their partners are really turned on, not just pretending that they’re performing in a skin flick. Rather than confronting her and starting a big fight, try talking to her about what turns her on so you can make her really scream (see groan mildly because she isn’t faking anymore).
4. You’re Her Second Choice
Ever get the feeling like you’re second choice? This might be because you are. If someone seems suddenly or constantly distracted in the bedroom and beyond, this might be because you are a fallback plan. When someone is distracted or constantly looking for something else to do or somewhere else to go when they’re supposed to be “Netflix and chilling” with you, they’re probably not really into you. Sometimes “Happy Hour” can begin to feel like an obligation rather than something to look forward to, particularly if one or both of you don’t have your “heart” in it. If you find yourself regularly not looking forward to your plans, or your mind is wandering on to other people, consider taking a brief hiatus from the routine or consider mixing things up. If things don’t improve this might also be a sign that it’s time to move on since neither of you is really feeling the chemistry anymore.
3. She Has No Sense Of Adventure
This is something that doesn’t usually happen at first when a couple is new and busy getting to know each other, but comes in over time when bedroom routines get old and boring. Eventually one partner will complain that the other is boring or “vanilla” in bed, essentially because it’s time to turn up the flavour. Relationship coach Jordan Gray says there are many ways to get your partner to become more adventurous in bed. He suggests beginning with praising what you do enjoy about your romps, and then slowly incorporating small things (tickling, soft biting, whatever you like) and taking note of how they respond. Next he suggests that if the journey from vanilla to spicy city isn’t going as quickly as you had hoped, have an honest conversation about wanting to try some new things. He suggests framing things in a way that says, “I really love you and our sex life, and I want US to do this new stuff together” instead of simply blaming and saying, “you suck in bed”.
2. She’s The “Good Girl”
Maybe one of the primary reasons you were attracted to her is what is causing all of the issues in the bedroom. She’s sweet, kind, charitable, and literally the type of girl that you want to take home to mom, but all of these qualities make her game in the bedroom lacking. Maybe this is partially on you, because some men equate “bad” with sexy. One of the most comforting things about a good girl is that she’s reliable, dependable, and not overly adventurous, which maybe isn’t what you’re looking for between the sheets. Perhaps she’s healthy for you, like that green leaf salad, (but most of the time you’re going to reach for the fries and gravy) but don’t give up on her just yet. To get a “good girl” to unleash her “bad girl” in the bedroom you need to act like a good guy, and genuinely be one. Be honest, be open, and allow her to trust you, the rest will hopefully fall into place.
1. She’s Going To Dump You
Did things used to be hot and heavy and now they’re not? Were things amazing and it feels like she’s phoning it in? Everyone can get insecure about their relationships from time to time, this is normal. It isn’t always crystal clear what the motivation is behind certain actions. Let us do a little decoding for you in terms of whether or not someone is bordering on break-up mode. Is she initiating with you romantically, or simply responding to you? She could have other issues on her plate, but it could be a sign that she’s trying to distance herself. Another big indicator is how often she picks fights (both in and outside of the bedroom). Does she get angry about little things that never used to bother her? This could be an opportunity to work on spicing things up, or this could be the writing on the wall of what’s to come, just take your time before jumping to conclusions.