Women are a mystery as far as men are concerned. They just can’t figure them out. Well, I’m here to divulge some of the darkest secrets that women keep from men. And it isn’t the ones you hear every day about their drive or how they wish they made as much money as you. That’s a given, because it’s society that’s messed up. But these are secrets that most women keep. Some may tell them to their partners while others are the odd ones out and can’t relate to these. Well, good for them! It’s not those women that are here anyway. It’s the men who want to know the female breed’s darkest secrets.
Well, if you want to know about a specific woman, go ask her. Believe it or not, we don’t mind. Unless you’re pretty much a stranger and you’re being a creep. You have no idea how scary it can be in this world for women to be approached by creepy men, which is why they become unapproachable. This is one of those cycles. Men are afraid to approach women, women are afraid of shady men approaching them. Sure, men and women are equal as far as the ability to become a victim goes, but, if you watch the news often, you’ll see women are harassed and kidnapped far more often. Yeah, as much as feminists don’t want to believe it, men are naturally stronger physically than women. That doesn’t mean some women aren’t stronger than some men, but we are all smart enough to figure out what I mean. Anyway, aside from that, here are fifteen secrets that women don’t want you to know.
15. We Did See You Like Her Picture
Let’s start off with two things that help this happen. One is that we have this radar in our heads that goes off when you look at another girl. We see it as the “unfaithfulness” radar. The other thing, the less passive thing, that makes this happen is that we are the freakin’ FBI as far as social media is concerned. Before we even started dating the guy we’re with, we stalked him on Facebook and had to pretend that we didn’t know all of these things that he told us about his life.
Like, “Oh? You went to Mali last summer? Cool…and your aunt is diabetic, I’m sorry.” Truth is, we already know. Just like we already know that you like every single post that skanky Kasey puts up…on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Reddit! Why does she even post photos on Reddit anyway and why are you even commenting on Reddit? You think that we won’t notice?
14. We Also Have Bodily Functions
Shocker! Sure, you may think you know this, but do you really? Do you know that pretty much every gross thing you do, women also do in private? No, she may not talk about bathroom junk with her friends like you do, but she still does it.
She burps, farts, sneezes (which causes snot to fly everywhere on occasion), she urinates, she…well, you know. It’s no surprise, but it’s something to think about. Or not…it’s gross, but it’s also just humans being humans. Women don’t want to be associated with picking their nose, but some things need to be done. If we didn’t do any of this stuff, we would probably literally explode…and have nasties hanging out of our noses…just like everyone else would. Point is, women are humans.
13. We Know What We Want To Eat
Sorry, ladies, I know this was our best kept secret, but I can’t handle the complaining any longer. You see, guys, you may tire of women saying they don’t care what they eat. You choose. She doesn’t know what she wants. Well, the truth is, there’s a 99% chance that she does. It’s just, well, Taco Bell is a lot cheaper than what she had in mind. So while you’re arguing with her, she’s thinking about how much she’d like a $30 bowl of pasta with a $20 cheesecake from this Italian restaurant she took herself to once.
Not that you’re always too broke to afford a $30 bowl of pasta, but she doesn’t always know where you stand. Is this a Dollar Menu week? Is this a steakhouse week? Is this a Walmart Deli week? Like, what can you do? Just let her know your budget and she’ll pick somewhere. Be honest and she will be too.
12. That Time Of The Month Sucks
Obviously, if you’ve ever been around women much during their time, you know this. But let me tell you something, it’s way worse than you think. Imagine a velociraptor being murdered in your gut! It thrashes around, sharp teeth everywhere. Then, of course, there’s the gruesome mess he leaves. Why can’t your body just say, “not pregnant” each month and then be done?
Not only is it incredibly painful, makes you nauseous, have conflicting emotions, and feel like death, but it’s also expensive. I mean, it’s like for a week each month, you have to buy supplies for a six-month-old baby. You know, only it’s not diapers, specialized food, and clothing. Well…yeah, it pretty much is. As awful as this mandatory female rite of passage is, please don’t mention it. If you have questions, fine. But if you start blaming everything on it, prepare for battle. The truth is, you’re annoying all month, it’s just our tolerance that is lowered.
11. We Rarely Wash Our Bras
There. Said it. Out of every belonging that women own, the majority would probably say that they wash their bras the least. Sure, washing your hair when you shower is optional, and no one gets around to cleaning bed sheets as often as they should. But the most neglected item is definitely the bra.
There are many reasons for that, such as the fact that we somehow believe it can’t get dirty. Sure, sweat and body oils are real, but it doesn’t really click with us that bras need to be washed. Besides washing wears them down, and this is the only one we like…and the only one that goes with the style of shirt we are into now. Whenever we do decide to wash it, we will absolutely dig it out of the dirty clothes after we remember we hate all of our other ones.
10. We Find Hair Everywhere Too
Men are constantly complaining about hair in the bathroom drains, in bed, around the floor. But, I don’t understand why they get to complain. After all, it came off of us! Like, seriously, imagine turning around in the shower and seeing a solid wall of hair that you accidentally created. Meh, might as well draw pictures with it while you’re there. Yeah, it’s a thing.
But you know what’s really disturbing? We also find hair everywhere on our bodies, some we don’t expect that need shaved…like the tops of our toes. Others came off of our heads and get stuck in the oddest, most disgusting places. It’s oddly satisfying and uncomfortable when we pull it out or get it “unstuck.” Trust me, you do not want to know more.
This is actually really straightforward, as evasive and plain as it sounds. But, the fact is, women get wedgies…like, every day. Not the kind the bullies at school give you, but the kind you do to yourself. Not on purpose, of course. It’s just a thing that happens. It depends on the type of underwear as to how bad they are, but sometimes it gets pretty bad and it too requires some pretty intense “unsticking.”
This kind of sums up a lot of our problems. Things are always getting stuck and going places they shouldn’t. It’s up to us to keep them in check. The real struggle is doing so discreetly, like at work, in the grocery store, at church. It isn’t always easy to waddle yourself out of certain situations.
8. We’ll Eat That Fallen Food
Yeah, if we drop food…pretty much anywhere on our bodies, especially if, I don’t know, our cleavage catches it, then we will eat it if we can get away with it. Oh…ketchup on my thigh…you get up here, left thigh, haven’t stretched that far in a while!
It’s even better of our chest catches it. Hey! That’s what that’s for. Perfect catch. Hopefully it didn’t stain my only good bra! By good I mean, the only one that has finally accepted me for who I am. Those others still try to make you a Victoria’s Secret model. And Victoria’s Secret models do not have the same shape as normal women, nor do they drop food and eat it off their own body…. What am I saying, they totally do!
7. Our Heads Feel Like They May Explode
So, I’ve heard a secret about men that I am puzzled by. Supposedly, they have the ability to not think. Is your mind blown? Mine was. Well, men, if this is true, then it explains why women are so complicated in your eyes. They are always thinking about a million things plus then ten things that you should be thinking about.
I once heard a comparison of men’s and women’s brain. It said that men’s brains are like waffles with tons of little compartments. They can only use one compartment at once and they do it well. But women have minds like spaghetti. Everything is all mixed together and there are no compartments, just a million things all jumbled up, suffocating you. This is why they are so good at multitasking. However, spaghetti and waffles are both good and each have different purposes, strengths, and weaknesses.
6. Practicing In Front Of A Mirror
Practicing what, you may ask…more like, what do we not practice in front of a mirror? Women aren’t all vain, but mirrors were made for a simple purpose, we just utilize it. What are we doing in the bathroom? Well, maybe practicing selfie faces, maybe practicing our dance moves, maybe practicing our most attractive stance (or the best way to suck our gut in). Maybe trying to make our tongue touch our nose or see how dumb we can make ourselves look. You never really know. Do men do this too? I’d like to know.
If not, this could explain why women were superior when Snapchat came out. They had spent years waiting for this moment, finding their most attractive angles and lip pouts. You may think they just lift and snap, but really, they spent years training to take the perfect selfie.
5. We Do Keep Everything In Our Purse
Except the kitchen sink! An oldie, but a goodie! In actuality, most women have two purses. One has their wallet that will hold their credit cards, cash, ID, and feminine products. It’s for those specific nights where she wants the minimal. Then, there’s the other bag…the Mary Poppins bag. It has half of her makeup, twelve half-bottles of Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer (mostly different scents), her wallet, fabric swatches, an extra outfit (or at least pantyhose), South Dakota, a box of tissues, a water bottle, and a Rubik’s cube! Of course, that’s just the stuff she uses!
Men wish they could get away with carrying a duffle bag everywhere with them, but they don’t want anyone to say they have a man purse. It’s really no skin off our back, we don’t care what anyone thinks of our ingeniousness!
4. She Talks To The Girls
Sorry, but unless you’re really close to her (and sometimes if you still are) she will tell every detail you reveal about yourself to the girls. This includes, but is not limited to, how much you make each week, how much you spent on your car, what kind of underwear you wear, screenshots of the texts you sent her, and pretty much everything you thought was for her and her alone. If you aren’t in a serious relationship with the girl, then you can pretty much be sure that she has shared these details.
To be fair, a lot of girls are not like this. Many females respect privacy and don’t tell anyone anyone else’s business, regardless of gender. So if you feel like your girl doesn’t tell the girls your stuff, then she probably doesn’t…probably.
3. They Don’t Mind The Jealousy
So, if you have a hunch that a girl is trying to make you jealous, she probably is. Why? Well, maybe it feels good for other guys to like her. Maybe she gets tired of you “not flirting” with other girls. That was sarcastic and a reference to what guys say they are doing when they are being “friendly.”
Sure, you say it’s all innocent, but it still makes us jealous. So, even if subconsciously, we may or may not attract the attention of other men, we will simply be friendly if they approach us, whether online or in person. But none of it is worth it if you don’t notice, which is why guys pretend not to notice. This silly, silent cycle is always present, but a lot of girls do it to deal with their own insecurities.
2. The Little Things Do Matter
If you bring us a taco, it really will make our day. If you give us a five minutes foot rub, it means a lot to us. If you give us a meaningful hug every day before work, we feel better than we could imagine. Men always think it takes big, expensive, extravagant gifts to impress a girl, but it really doesn’t. Girls may try to make men think that the little things don’t matter. Why? Because if we convince you you don’t have to try, then you won’t.
Sure, we’d rather have a flower you saw on the side of the road that made you think of us than a dozen roses. Sure, we’d rather have a panda stuffed animal you saw because you know we love pandas instead of a giant white bear cause that’s what the Internet said. But if we tell you that we like chicken nuggets as much as going out to a nice restaurant, then, you may try to do less and less, and all effort will dissipate.
1. Take The Hints!
They really aren’t that hard, but since you think it is, let me help you out here. If a woman mentions something more than once, it’s bothering her! It’s not rocket science. She doesn’t want it to be a problem and tries to not make it one. So she just “mentions” it in passing. You ignore it…the problem is never fixed. Next time she mentions something more than once, maybe tell her kindly that you could really talk about it and not put her off. Fix it, both of you.
That solves pretty much every problem with communication, aside from you ignoring it the first time. Which probably annoyed her. So, when you later ask her what’s wrong and she says nothing, it’s because you acted like you didn’t want to talk about it. Now you’re acting like everything’s fine, when you were the one that did something in the first place for her to have a problem with. But if you wait this long, then you can make it her problem cause she “won’t talk about it” or “keeps nagging.”
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