It doesn’t matter if you were the wealthiest kid in all of Europe or the poorest kid in the most impoverished country in Africa. At some time during your youth, you had a toy to play with. It is a common misconception of people who live in developed countries to imagine that the most unfortunate kids in the poorest regions of the world don’t have toys to play with at all. To tell you the truth, all you need is imagination. It doesn’t matter if you could buy the best G.I. Joe ever or if the best you had to play with was a soccer ball made of old socks. Every kid around the world had something to play with, and that has always been the case.
However, today, we would like to focus on the developed and emerging worlds, where kids usually get expensive toys made by the top brands in the globe. But one thing is for certain, and it is something that you will understand as you go down this list. Money doesn’t really buy quality. Some of the most expensive toys around are some of the weirdest and most inappropriate you’ll ever see. Seriously, some of these toys look like they came straight out of Walt Disney’s mind. And not the Disney you see in the movies and stories with over-the-top cuteness and princesses. No, we are talking about the Disney that puts hidden innuendos in some of the most beloved children’s movies of all time. So, get ready to feel a bit disgusted because here are 15 children’s toys that should not exist.
We have already mentioned ET and Disney, so why not mention another children’s movie that had considerable influence over the kids of its time. Bambi was a great attempt at humanizing animals like deer. It might not have been as successful as The Lion King, but it sure made people look at deer more sympathetically than just thinking about them as animals for hunting or stupid beasts that jump in front of your car during the night, trying to kill you and everyone you love.
Well, all the efforts that Bambi made in humanizing deer were thrown away as soon as this toy was put on the market. Because clearly, nothing is more acceptable than having a toy that shows kids exactly how to carry a deer for miles and miles after killing it with your truck. We say that because if those guys were hunters, they would have probably put the deer in the back instead of the front of their truck. Still, nothing wrong with running over deer, right? SMH.
14. No Crossing Swords
Okay, this one is just too funny. It is like these people don’t even realize what they are making. We have to assume that in order to be mass-produced, a product has to go through a lot of scrutiny from the company that makes it and from censorship afterward. After all, these are products that are going to be used by children. Children!
Kids are susceptible to things. That is especially true about things they do not understand. And of course, it might be hilarious for us to look at a pink sword that looks like a male’s member, but you wouldn’t be laughing if someone gave that as a gift to your kid.
This is bad. The mere idea that this has gone through any kind of censorship and still made it to the stores to be sold is ridiculous. Is anyone even looking at what they are selling? This is one of the few times where we actually hope a business goes broke just because of stupidity.
13. What Is The Excuse For This One?
Holy moly! Some of the toys on this list are just plain bad, but this one is almost too aggressive. We are assuming that this is some toy manufacturer’s way of portraying a character like The Punisher (if it is another character, please let us know). If this is indeed an attempt at making a The Punisher toy, we have to admit that this might be one of the worst things we have ever seen. How could this be okay anywhere in the world? The only instance where we think this would have been fine for anyone to sell or buy would be if this toy was human-sized, and it was to be used by someone in the adult industry. But still, that would have been beyond disturbing.
Most of the other toys on this list that hide their innuendos have some sort of possible explanation manufacturers could give, but we cannot even begin to wonder what the explanation would be for this abomination.
Barbie is by far one of the most famous toys in the world. It is one of those few brands that have managed to hit home runs in every single continent around the globe. The fashion doll was first produced in the late 50’s and has not stopped since, becoming one of the most recognizable and influential brands when it comes to children entertainment. With all that success, it is a given that at some point down the line, the people who make Barbie would slip up and come up with something ridiculous. And let’s just say that they slipped up a few times, but none of them was as bad and inappropriate as when they came up with this particular version of everyone’s favorite blonde fashion model.
We are sure they didn’t mean anything bad by writing “Barbie really squirts” in the boxes of these toys, as we are sure most of the kids did not realize what all adults thought as soon as they laid eyes on the toy. Still, they should’ve known better.
11. That’s Not ET’s Finger
Like Barbie, ET is a juggernaut in the world of children entertainment. Some of the younglings of today might not be as familiar with everyone’s favorite extraterrestrial as well as those of us who are adults today were during our youth. The movie ET was, by far, one of the biggest successes in the history of cinema, and it was a movie that defined a generation. Who didn’t piss off their parents asking for an ET toy when they were a kid? How many adults of today did not dream of waking up one day and finding a wrinkly extraterrestrial that had crash-landed near their home? And seriously, who didn’t dream about flying on their bike? We are sure that a lot of kids got hurt trying to do that last thing, but those injuries were nothing compared to this little toy.
10. Bring Out The Razors
Hey, you need to learn at some point, don’t you? Especially for young men, the first time they shave is sort of a special moment. For many guys, that is the precise moment in which you leave behind your childhood and become a grown man. We might be reading a lot into it, but we are trying our hardest to delay having to talk about this hairy doll.
Who the hell came up with this idea? How disturbing would it be for you to go to a store and have your kid begging you to buy a doll like this? While shaving yourself is a normal and sanitary process, shaving someone else is just weird, especially if you have to shave some of the parts that little baby doll has covered in hair. This is just disturbing. And the worst part is that we don’t really know what is waiting under there, or if any people actually went on to buy this for their kids. That’s just bad parenting.
9. Your New Best Friend
Stuffed animals are some of our favorite toys. It doesn’t matter how old you are, there are still people who go well into their 30’s and 40’s and have stuffed animals in their drawers or on their beds. In some cases, it might be odd to have a stuffed animal around when you’re a grown adult, but we can still understand. However, what kind of stuffed animal one has tells a lot about that person. If you have a stuffed bear or a stuffed moose, it might mean that you like to have the protection of that little friend of yours whenever you go to bed at night. So, what does having a stuffed sperm tell you about a person?
Well, since we don’t want to believe anyone has bought this particular type of stuffed animal, with the exception of those who did it to give to someone else as a joke, we are really not that comfortable talking about stuffed sperm.
8. Some Parents Might Like This
Some kids drive their parents nuts. Every mom and dad love their young son or daughter. But at some point, you cannot help but imagine what it would be like to have one or two hours of peace every day. Well, if that is what you’re looking for, we found the perfect toy for you to give your child this Christmas. With this lovely straitjacket, you won’t have to worry about your kid going around and knocking stuff over, breaking glasses, or pulling your TV off the plug. With this, you can watch all the football games on a Sunday without constant interruption.
Sounds tempting, right? Yeah, but it also sounds very wrong. Straitjackets are some of the most terrifying objects that humans use. After you put one on, you are literally… well… restrained. And just thinking about putting one of these in your kid is disturbing. Depending on the kid, however, this might be the only way to go (insert evil laugh).
7. This Is Wrong
Here is where we start to think that common sense is a trait that has been lost by humanity somewhere along the way. Sure, we are all in for progress and thinking outside of the box, but this is just disturbing. And we keep repeating the word “disturbing” over and over again in this article because it is the only way to describe these terrible decisions some toy manufacturers have made. What is the reasoning behind making a pregnant baby? Not only that, what is the follow-up reason for making that pregnant baby’s fetus also be pregnant? How did that happen? Why are you doing this to humanity? How have the people behind this toy not been arrested? There must be a crime somewhere along the line of this toy being produced. We don’t know where, but someone needs to find out ASAP. And by the way, if you know anyone who bought this doll, you better call the cops because they have a problem.
6. Nothing Super About This
Seriously, come on. Couldn’t these people even leave Superman alone? Some of us might not be fans of Superman because he is an all-too-powerful god-like superhero, but we have to respect those people who love Superman with a burning passion. Actually, let’s scratch that. People who love Superman with a burning passion might actually find some use to this particular toy. Sorry, that was too much. We almost crossed the line there.
Still, try to think deep inside your head and come up with a reason for why the hell that pillow would need to have its mouth open. This makes no sense. And if it did make any sense, then we wouldn’t want to live in this world. We are trying to grasp the reasoning behind the people who made this toy. Stuff-hug-play. What did they really mean by that? Sincerely, we cannot find a way in which making a toy like this and selling it to children would be okay, even though we think children are not the people who most bought this particular toy.
5. Show This To A Feminist Friend And Watch Them Go
We never get tired of saying that women have come a long way in finding their place in society. Sure, there are places around the world where women are still not treated as equal citizens when compared to their fellow men, but in a lot of developed and forward-thinking nations, women have just as many rights as men. And a lot of women got hurt along the way trying to fight for the rights of those who were to come after them. Imagine how bad it would be for a woman, who fought in the front lines so that young girls could have a future and not be treated as if they were only good for cleaning the house and having children, to see a toy like this.
There is nothing wrong with cleaning the house, as that is one of the most essential jobs people in our society perform. But in this case, this seems like a blatant attempt of defining gender roles. Or maybe we are reading a little bit too into it, but show this image to a feminist and watch them go to see if we went too far.
Oh goodness, where to start with this one? You don’t really need us telling you anything in order to find out what is wrong with this toy, right? SpongeBob SquarePants is one of the most beloved cartoon characters of all time. But how much would you still love SpongeBob if you walked past anywhere and saw someone blowing up this doll to inflate it?
We don’t even know what questions to ask anymore. How can people not see that this is wrong? What kind of an idiot makes a blowup doll and puts the air intake thing in that exact position? You are asking to be made fun of, and you are asking for your product not to succeed. This is the kind of stupidity that ends businesses before they even start. Just put the goddamn thing on SpongeBob’s shoulder, or arm, or his feet, or his head, or literally anywhere else other than the only place you thought to put the goddamn thing in the first place. Whoops! Sorry about that rant, we are losing our patience here.
3. Please Stop
Come on! (Frantically stomping the floor in disbelief). If the zombie apocalypse were to start today, we would be completely fine with it. If a meteor were to strike Earth and destroy all living life on this planet, we would be okay with it if it happened right now. We wouldn’t mind living in the world of Fallout 4 if it meant that no one would be able to make terrible toys like this ever again.
Please, someone, try to explain to us what that thing is supposed to be. Because unless a dinosaur’s reproductive system looked exactly like that and this was supposed to be the most inappropriate toy ever to come with a cereal box, we don’t see why anyone would make it. “Jurassic Fun Water Bomb?” No, we will take the high road, and we will not give it the name we want to give it.
2. These People Have Problems
Again, we have to make the same argument we made against the SpongeBob blowup doll. There are some places that you shouldn’t instigate children to put their mouths on. That sounds horrible, but it is something that these toy manufacturers need to understand, and it clearly seems like they don’t.
We don’t know if Disney signed off on making these toys, but we cannot imagine how much success they had in selling these little Buzz Lightyear water bottles. If anyone out there is a parent, let us know your opinion on how okay you would be with buying this water bottle for your son or daughter.
Again, we might be reading too much into these toys, but after looking at so many of them, we have become quite cynic about this subject. How hard would it be to put the straw on the side instead of on the front of this water bottle? Literally, no one would care, and it would avoid having people like us bad-mouthing your product.
1. Help Your Kid Get An Early Start
Now, this particular product takes the cake and the number one spot on our list because it is inappropriate and probably shouldn’t exist, but it is something that we could still see some parents buying. What? Don’t you think drug dealers have kids too? Some of them probably have more kids than you do. And the same way lawyers, doctors, teachers, and business owners might want their kids to follow in their footsteps and take the family business someday, drug dealers might be the same way.
We are not drug dealers. We would like to think most of our readers are not either, but who is to say that it is not a career these criminals would want for their children? It is absolutely one of the most dangerous “careers” out there, but people still do it.
So, while we think it is grossly inappropriate for any brand to make a toy like this, there could indeed be a market for them. And that market would be drug dealers who want their kids to get an early start in their education.
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