Should this planet ever be fortunate enough to be visited by intelligent alien explorers, the very first words they utter will likely be along the lines of ‘WHAT is with that Snooki creature; I mean SERIOUSLY?’
They will not be alone; many of us are wondering just what it is that allows the likes of the most annoying and utterly unlikeable characters we would rather beat with a car antenna, to wander our television sets as if by merit and not by sheer dumbass luck?
There are those who would no doubt suggest that rather than a harbinger of our imminent demise, these so called ‘reality show’ participants are merely reflecting the public’s changing tastes in TV fare, though it seems more reasonable to suggest that it boils down to how little these shows cost to produce. Make no mistake however, reality is the farthest thing in the universe from these examples of broadcast pap.
Such shows are as carefully scripted as any TV sitcom or drama, and until they become popular, don’t expend a great deal of money towards these ‘stars.’ Once the word gets out that ‘Ex-con Wives of New Rochelle’ is the new must-see banality, all that changes and these insufferable characters with all the appeal of a fetid root canal, become the world’s latest undeserving millionaires.
Without going into specifics about their actual nauseating wealth from this indigestible sanctioned scam, let’s take a distasteful tour of the 10 richest reality show creeps;
10) Jersey Shore Losers
This ‘show’ was an apparent effort to convince the rest of the U.S. that New Jersey is the last bastion for every skeezy, mindless miscreant in the nation; so, mission accomplished. With a cast of characters resembling nothing less than a cabal of proto-simian High School dropouts, it nevertheless became among the most popular programs in this dubious genre, making household names of ‘Snooki‘ and ‘Mike, the Situation,’ as if the universe had even a cursory interest in this kind of abhorrently concocted drivel.
With an inspired concept of recording the minutiae of these narcissistic infantile jagoffs, it’s no wonder this tawdry masterpiece became riveting fare for disturbingly voyeuristic viewers both numbed and aroused by Cheetos and hashish. Watching these adorably vulgar pack rats become multimillionaires in the process was just part of the new ‘entertainment’ norm which now includes any jackass with a camera who might become the next passing fad of the moment.
9) ‘Celebrity’ Wives
These programs really are among the lowest forms of perverse sadism ever perpetrated on an ever more lurid and indiscriminate audience. This particular nightmare is now even its own sub-genre, as they proliferate television like a plague of ravenous ants, soon to leave nothing in the wake of their frenzied, murderous shopping and slapping rampages. The idea is that the bombardment of inanities which comprises the eternally damned drudgery of being a wealthy, spoiled, self-indulgent trophy wife, can only get better if you max out and have 17 such ruthless, diabolical, Special Ops trained and manicured trophy wives battling to the death to be Queen Bitch. Seriously, it couldn’t lose.
At last count, there were at least some 297,000 of these shows being broadcast every second of every day in every country around the world simultaneously, or at least that’s how it must seem to Dad on Saturday afternoon before the game’s on. Regardless of the actual saturation, these miniature ‘catfights’ in Couture series are making their stars all the money their brazenly bared egos can hoard, and setting a new low for international ethical and broadcast standards at the same time; so…yaaahh…?
8) The Duggars
‘Hooweeee now, slow down there, Jim-Bob; first of all, don’t even me started on your boy being a sick bastard child molesting freak, ’cause that’s your own filthy business; but just explain something here for me, son; I tell you what; that there little ol’ gal o yours, shore is a fine lady, don’t git me wrong, now; but I worry; I worry boy an I tell you why; that there poor soul ain’t nothing but a wore out ol’ brood mare, thanks to you; shoot; shoot, boy; why, she ain’t had no more than 5 minutes peace to her damn self when she weren’t laying out a litter or laying down fer a new one, in 25 years; that’s right boy, you just think that over; Hell; you shoot a damn mule after 10 years or 10 foals, whichever falls first; that’s what you call ‘humane’ boy; now damn, son; your little gal, well sir; she’s got what you might call ‘frequent flyer miles’ from the Mile High Uterus Club; now Hell, Jim-Bob; that ain’t right boy; you know that ain’t right; now don’t git all Jesus up on me now, this here’s you an me talking boy; it ain’t just you; it ain’t all you; Hell, I don’t know why your wife ain’t heard the words ‘Not tonight’ boy; it’s a damn miracle when I don’t hear them words in my house; what’s that now? Millions and millions of dollars? People can’t stop watching y’all GOD ALMIGHTY hisself done told you it was awright?
7) Honey Boo Boo
Naturally most people would consider the idea of watching a cherubic little girl grow from tiny unsophisticated trailer park child beauty pageant contestant and probably traumatized for life ingenue, to slightly older more petulant increasingly paranoid miniaturized demonically possessed pre-teen tyrant; just darling. And sure enough, little Honey Boo Boo has stolen our hearts and our ability to realize that we are witnessing in her our own morbid fascinating with our self destruction as a sentient species.
The obvious appeal seems to be that people are fascinated by watching a lab experiment entitled ‘Your child is your slave.’ That the family’s current tribulations involve the recent revelations of several of Mama June’s intimates having various disturbing molestation charges, is souring some interest in the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo phenomenon, which gave this bizarre family an introduction it would likely never have received without it’s oddly emblematic mirror of society’s obsession with fame and wealth at any price.
6) The Gosselins
Among the first of TV’s newly spawned parasitic family’s to exploit the well known fact that children just instinctively love growing up in a household full of lights, cameras, sound crews, producers, directors, makeup artists, marketing executives, divorce lawyers and financial advisers. The Gosselins’ long-running show introduced the world to their undisputed factory of weirdness all the way to the bank. And clearly, America could not be more enriched for it.
Like the unholy bastard child of a Meth addicted Pinter drama and a hallucinogenic Little Rascals episode, child psychologists are still trying to work out how this abomination made it to air. Not surprisingly, the little shop of horrors known as Jon and Kate Plus 8 (briefly later simply Kate Plus 8,) chronicling the lives of a young couple raising both twins and sextuplets, ended in marital strain, divorce, custody challenges, a plethora of cosmetic surgeries, undoubtedly years of child therapy and of course, steady ratings. All of which makes their unconscionable greed and child abuse totally justified.
5) Dog the Bounty Hunter
An apparent living missing link sporting the world’s most white trash radicalized mullet, Dwayne ‘Dog’ Chapman and his inbred band of 1980s rock video extras have been broadcasting their bounty hunter credentials and exploits since 2004. In all that time, apparently no one on their set has even heard of a freaking stylist.
This unabashed look into the seedy underworld of America’s largely lawless commercial enterprise of catching criminals for money, without the trappings or hindrances of something as mundane as law enforcement qualifications or certifications, is a license to print money. Each week’s hour long episode is like a miniature Hitchcock masterpiece, if Hitch was a coked up hack whose only point of reference was watching The Three Stooges round the clock. Apparently the idea is that crime never saw the likes of Dog and his pack of urban commandos, so release the hounds!
Whatever the appeal is of watching every hideously tattooed caricature of American Cracker culture arrested shirtless in filthy jeans outside of a trailer park at 4 am, drunk off their ass but still managing to light a cigarette while handcuffed behind their back, this show is all over it.
Not content with the countless millions earned via a musical career which no one can now remember, the once and future rapper Nelly has diversified into an entertainment industry unto himself, complete with the obligatory ‘reality’ show. Supposedly a minute by minute expose on the behind the scenes machinations of a man wholly obsessed with maintaining the illusion of his own relevance by hurling examples of wanton, wasteful spending and carefully staged family ‘crises’ at an ever more lascivious public. This is apparently accomplished by buying every make and model of uber expensive sports car and diamond studded sneakers he can commission, while grooming his kids to become even more annoying and fatuously entitled than Kanye or Beyonce. Dude literally spends every waking moment trying to become more wealthy, well known and indispensable to a planet that has long forgotten his Country Grammar bona fides.
3) The Palins
Even among the miasma of frothy filth that constitutes modern television fare, the family for whom the term ‘fame whores’ was inspired, is truly a travesty of our time. Having abandoned the only real job she ever earned, Saint Sarah the Befuddled reached for the brass ring of the Vice-Presidency and failed spectacularly, which is way more than most people would need to then jump right into the even more credible world of fake reality shows.
Comprising a non-stop cavalcade of criminal ignorance in the form of Sarah’s folksy, down home ‘wisdom,’ (“This show is going to highlight that freedom that we get to experience in America”), people were clearly far more interested in determining if this family of hillbilly ignoramuses were as unpalatable in ‘private’ as they were in public. The debate didn’t rage long, as the Palins became the unmistakeable face of American vapidity. This initially amusing revelation was short lived however, as it quickly became more and more uncomfortable to realize this band of self absorbed hypocrites, failures and frauds might have been among the nation’s most powerful leaders. Still, the Palins have managed to make reality television as appealing as Diphtheria, so they have that working for them.
2) The Kardashians
Well folks; it’s happened. We as a species have somehow embraced the ghoulish evil that is this family. People forget that patriarch Robert Kardashian was literally O.J. Simpson‘s bag man, long rumored to have been the person entrusted by ‘The Juice’ to ditch critical evidence of his infamous crime by personally removing from his sumptuous home the murder weapon and whatever is left of someone’s attire after viciously hacking two people to death in broad daylight, crammed inside an athletic bag never to be seen again. And then Kim outdid him by creating an entire religion to the reality show Diva by producing and marketing a sex tape that was the Janet Jackson and Justin ‘I wasn’t there’ Timberlake at the Superbowl gossip of its day.
With spinoffs and replicant siblings both now numbering into the millions, it seems the ancient prophesies of a Galactic Kardashian empire are coming to fruition. As it must be, for in the end there can be only ONE. Can you imagine? These people literally have nothing better to do than out crass and out crazy one another, and then count the obscene amounts of money it somehow generates from people whose own existence is now dependent on leeching off this poison.
1) Donald Trump
Society’s greatest living example of the consequences of unprotected sex, people often forget that Captain Combover was among the most popular of the early reality show zombies. The Apprentice was apparently an attempt to commercialize Trump’s penchant for making a gigantic ass of himself, while supposedly ‘interviewing’ potential new flunkies for his empire of gratuitous self promotion. This required them to undergo a series of increasingly asinine tasks that would weed out those whom ‘His Scuminess’ found wanting.
The result was that the majority of the would be sycophants were summarily dismissed with the immortal words of this fatuous, undeclared micro-Deity; ‘You’re FIRED!’ Not that he actually needed the money, this show was all about Trump glorification on a galactic scale. Unfortunately for ‘The Donald,’ this meant only furthering his reputation as one of the most unpalatable individuals in the history of broadcasting, which is truly well deserved, probably for the first and last time in his life.