Celebrities aren’t like the rest of us. For one thing, for some reason, people actually care what they think. Why? Hard to say. Maybe it goes back to the middle-schooler that continues to live within most of us. If I wear what the cool kids wear, then I’ll be cool and everyone will like me. The previous sentence is a pretty good distillation of advertising at its most pure.
Now, I hate to break this to you but some celebrities don’t take this responsibility seriously. Shocking to be sure. Some celebrities don’t care or even use the products they shill for. They do it for the money. But don’t they already have plenty of money? Yes, but as Kiss has shown us, you can never have too much money. Reality stars can be excused because they’re generally morons and their fame is fleeting. For genuine celebrities, maybe they’re greedy or have gone through several expensive divorces or have gambling problems. The good news is that we, as consumers, always win because it’s damn entertaining to see famous people prostitute or humiliate themselves by endorsing weird products or products they have no natural connection to. Please enjoy the top ten most bizarre celebrity endorsements:
10. Jimmy Johnson For ExtenZe
You’re Jimmy Johnson, leader of men who’s won a national title with the University of Miami Hurricanes and two Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys and now you’re endorsing…boner pills. Most commercials for erectile dysfunction drugs have a guy on his yacht or have an older couple holding hands, walking on the beach with a slogan like, “this is the age of knowing what to do.” This commercial eschews that approach.
Instead we have a sixty-six-year-old man with his shirt off telling us that he could get it up before but now he can really get it up. Guess that’s good news for the woman of Dallas. Say what you want about Barry Switzer but he never did an ad about erectile dysfunction. I just hope that the next spokesman for ExtenZe is Bill Parcells.
9. Alan Thicke for Optima Tax Relief
This one isn’t so much embarrassing because of the product but of how they try to shoehorn this celebrity in. You’d think that a service that claims it can help you if you owe money to the IRS, you’d have an endorser who is known for their financial know-how. Instead we get Alan Thicke saying that as a former sitcom dad, he’d have to teach his television kids about financial responsibility. Guess I missed that very special episode of “Growing Pains” where Kirk Cameron forgot to send his 1120-W form to the IRS and Alan helped him get an extension. My loss.
8. Bill Wyman for Signature Metal Detector
Bill Wyman, the former bassist for the Rolling Stones who married a much younger girl and moved so little on stage that birds would land on him is into metal detecting? I get that he’s not at rich as Mick Jagger but does he really need to try and find buried coins on the beach? Well, he is seventy seven. And he doesn’t just endorse metal detectors, he has his own model, the Bill Wyman Signature Metal Detector. So, just remember that while it may only be rock and roll, it’s not a great metal detector unless it’s a Bill Wyman Signature Metal Detector!
7. Sylvester Stallone for Stallone High Protein Pudding
Not just any pudding, mind you. It’s pudding for weightlifters. It would have to be because who else would eat pudding that’s sugar free and has 20 grams of protein per serving? Yummy. Sadly, even the star of “Over the Top,” the greatest movie ever made about arm wrestling couldn’t make this work. The company went out of business and was sued by William Brescia for stealing trade secrets. Stallone lost the first round in court but the real losers are all the steroid addled weightlifters who no longer have a go-to dessert.
6. Claire Danes for Latisse
Latisse is a serum that helps grow eyelashes. Personally, I’ve never met a guy who, after seeing an attractive woman, went, “Wow, that girl has the hottest eyelashes!” Apparently, the product works too well because Danes, occasionally, has to have her eyelashes trimmed. Just hearing that gives me the same reaction as fingernails on a chalk board.
5. Paris Hilton for Scrapbooking
Did you know that in-between getting paid to show up to clubs, making really bad music and reality shows and going to prison, Paris Hilton is just a homebody that loves to scrapbook? Neither did she! Yes, the heiress likes nothing better then making a memory page after a long night of clubbing and even has her own line of crafting supplies including glitter and scratch and sniff stickers. No word yet on if the stickers smell like Mai Tais and Marlboro Lights. And, yes, her slogan for the products is, “I love scrapbooking, being creative is hot!” Well said, my friend. Well said.
4. Tico Torres Rock Star Clothes For Babies
If you’re like most parents of a newborn, when it came time to buy them clothes, you were probably really dissatisfied with the selection. Where were the leopard print diapers or the rhinestone encrusted pajamas or pacifiers with skull and cross bones emblazoned on them? Most parents would see the situation and resign themselves to their babies looking like schlubs. Fortunately, Tico Torres is not most parents.
The drummer for Bon Jovi remedied this situation with his “Rock Star Baby Collection.” Yes, your baby can finally look like the headliner he or she was born to be instead of an opening act that is booed off stage.
3. Carlos Santana for Women’s Shoes
A lot of people have foot fetishes. Heck, even New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has one and we all know that guy’s a winner. Carlos Santana decided to go one better and design high end woman’s shoes and not as an offshoot of a men’s collection. Carlos only does woman’s shoes. There’s over 128 types and not one of them is tie-dyed. I don’t know how successful they are but I do know that not once in the over ninety four episodes of “Sex In The City” did Carrie Bradshaw ever once reference her Carlos Santanas.
2. Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” for Xenadrine
It’s not so much that it would be weird for this guy to be into supplements. No, the miracle is that they were able to train him to speak in complete sentences. I can’t be sure of this because maybe they used a ton of editing but judging by how cheap this ad looks, they probably couldn’t afford to do that. Hopefully, this lovable lunk saved the money he got for doing this spot and didn’t blow it on strip clubs and tight t-shirts. although, it would be great if he needed the money and had to keep doing them.
1. Lisa Rinna for Depends Adult Diapers
Getting older in Hollywood is difficult, especially for women. Lisa Rinna is a very attractive actress and fairly or not, maintaining sex appeal is part of her job. So, maybe doing an ad for adult diapers isn’t the best career move. Yes, it’s part of a larger charity campaign but there has to be a better way of raising money then hawking this product.
My favorite part is when the announcers states that Ms. Rinna doesn’t need to wear adult diapers. Then why is she wearing them? Sure, there’s times when you’re watching TV, feeling lazy and really have to urinate and, of course, it would be easier to just piss yourself instead of hightailing it to the bathroom, but you don’t.
Wouldn’t the logical choice for celebrity spokesman be Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who drove 900 miles to kidnap Colleen Shipman who was dating an astronaut Nowak was obsessed with, wearing a diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop on the way? Perhaps a slogan along the lines of, “Depends, because when you’re crazy, who wants to stop to pee?” would’ve done the trick.