The erudite author and scholar Notorious B.I.G. once said that when you have more money, you have more problems. He couldn’t have hit the nail on the head any harder. Few people have been able to embody this principle than the Kardashian clique. They are so in right now that every company wants to use their name, their image, or their popularity to sell their product. No one really understands why they are such a big draw. It’s kind of like trying to explain how a microwave really works. No one really cares, you just know that if you press buttons a hot pocket becomes fantastic.
Unfortunately, with all of this fame comes people lurking to make a quick buck through the legal system. Copyright lawsuits, negligence lawsuits, breach of contract claims, and even paternity suits have hit the Kardashian crew pretty hard. That’s not surprising. What is surprising is that they have managed to dodge having to go to court like a young Michael Vick. Whoever their lawyers are, they should get a nice Christmas ham for all of their hard work. Never mind, it would probably sue the Kardashians too for some reason. Check out the 10 lawsuits that have that special Kardashian twist.
10. Ex-wife Drama
The United States Copyright Office was designed specifically to give people enforceable rights against people who try to use copyrighted work. If someone tries to use or sell work that is copyrighted by someone else, they can get fined up the wazoo.
Enter Ellen Pierson, Robert Kardashian’s ex-wife, who looked in her bag and realized, “Yup, all out of craps to give,” and started selling diary entries and photographs that allegedly belonged to the Kardashian crew. But widows be hustlin’ and Pearson looked to get rich with some gossip mags, feeding them the dirt. Pearson even sold some old Christmas photos which is just classy! The Kardashians sued, saying that these documents were copyrighted and she had no right to sell them. Pearson ultimately settled with the Kardashians out of court.
9. Disick in Hot Water in the UK
Ever seen a kid whose parents forced her to go to a family reunion or hang out with some kid from school who eats his boogers? Think about the face on that kid. Think about her body language. Just imagine how over the whole situation she would be.
This is kind of what Disick acted like at an appearance in the UK. The public relations firm who put on the event that he appeared at is beginning legal proceedings against him for having a face that was just all “pffffff” the entire time. The public relations firm says that his little stunt will bankrupt them. There is no word as to what geniuses decided to look each other in the eye, high five, and say, “Yes, let’s go all in on Disick.” The proceedings are ongoing.
8. Kourtni With an I Gets Popped
There’s this scene in a Spongebob Squarepants episode where he gets some green fungus on him. He tries to get it off the whole episode, but he realizes that his new favorite drink is the culprit. With Kourtni (with an I) Kardashian – pretty sure that’s her legal name – her favorite drink is the new found fame of being related to the Kardashians, but the green fungus is the legal trouble she’s run into. She was popped for unsafe speeding in 2010 and finished the hell that is traffic school, but got busted again in 2012 for the same thing. There is currently no cure for the fungus and Dr. Squarepants is still baffled.
7. Kylie Jenner Car Accident
Most people are happy with a clunker for a car at 16. In 2013, Kylie Jenner rolled Puff Daddy style in a brand new Mercedes G-Wagon… and subsequently slammed into the back of another driver causing a three car pile up. The other driver claimed that she suffered some whiplash injuries and sued for negligence. For those who don’t know, negligence is when someone doesn’t act as a reasonable person would under similar circumstances. As many times as the Kardashians have been sued, wouldn’t it just be easier to have like a Kardashian wing of the L.A. County courthouse?
6. Kris Humphries’ 72 Day Marriage
Kris was married to Kim for only a little longer than some people have a cold. Rumors are that Kim was super jealous of Kris’ relationship with his sister and this is despite Kim’s tight connection with her sisters After only 72 days, the couple decided to call it quits. Kris tried to get the marriage annulled instead of a divorce because he said that Kim fraudulently entered the marriage. The annulment would have the effect of pretending the marriage never happened, which incidentally are the prayers Kris has every night. The Jolly White Giant said that Kim only married him for the publicity which would be unbelievable. The couple ended up getting a divorce instead and settled.
5. Prepaid Debit Debacle
If being a Kardashian lawyer doesn’t encourage more people to go to law school, this next story might do the trick. The Kardashian sisters agreed to promote a prepaid debit card company’s services by saying nice things about it to the public. After pulling back the curtain a bit, consumer watchdog groups and the Connecticut Attorney General realized something fishy was going on. Honestly, they were probably the last to realize it.
The company that made the debit cards had all kinds of hidden fees that sapped customers of their money before they even got to spend it. Once the Kardashians realized that promoting the cards, mostly at teenagers, was a terrible idea, they backed out, talking smack about the card publicly. The Kardashian lawyers argued that the Kardashians had a 1st Amendment right to speak negatively about a product and a judge agreed and threw out the company’s $75 million lawsuit. Not surprisingly, the debit card company went straight bankrupt – another Kardashian casualty.
4. Kourtney’s Paternity Suit
It’s safe to say the youngest Kardashians might be all screwed up when they get older. But it is important to know who is responsible for screwing them up. The model and awful, awful decision maker Mike Girgenti claimed he hooked up with Kourtney back in 2008 when she and Scott Disick were on a break. Like the beginning of all long-term romances, Girgenti claims this hookup happened during a photo shoot the two were at. Girgenti claimed that Kourtney’s son, Mason, belongs to him. Girgenti’s life of caviar wishes and child support dreams were dashed when DNA tests proved that Disick was the father.
3. Kim’s Hair Removal Lawsuit
The Kardashians have two options for hair removal: a lawn mower or lasers. They tried lawnmowers but their hair kept getting caught in it so they moved onto lasers. The brand TRIA and the No!No! brand of hair removal both endorsed her, somehow inventing a magic laser to do an impossible job. Kim began endorsing TRIA, saying that their product removed her hair, but No!No! fought back saying that it wasn’t safe to use TRIA and marketing it this way was fraudulent put No!No! at an unfair disadvantage. The case ended up settling, but the grizzly bear community is still left wondering whether TRIA can work on them like it did on Kim.
2. Kanye Breaks Out a Can of Whoop-Ass
Listening to most rap songs gives the indication that being a rapper equals being a badass. Kanye put his money – or his fist – where another guy’s mouth is to make this true. The honorary Kardashian kept his pimp hand strong with an 18-year old at a chiropractor’s office in Los Angeles.
Homeboy isn’t exactly innocent in all this, though. He allegedly called Kim an “N-word lover” as she went into her chiropractor appointment. Kim threw up the bat signal and Kanye rushed over and, in true meathead fashion, the 18-year old called him an N-word too. Kanye proceeded to stomp a mudhole in this guy’s rear and the Beverly Hills police came by, probably wondering how “idiot management” crept into their job description. The 18-year-old has filed battery charges as a result. With jail time, Kanye’s rapper bucket list will be fulfilled.
1. Makeup Lawsuit
The Kardashians love to use makeup about as much as that guy at the gym loves to talk about his squat routine (hint: a lot). A company tried to leach on to the Kardashian sisters to market their brand of makeup. The Kardashians said, “call me,” and then in true Kardashian fashion dumped the makeup company on their behinds and went with another to sell a similar product.
The worst part is that the name the original makeup company had a brand called KROMA while the new makeup company used the brand name KHROMA. The KROMA company filed suit in federal court saying that the KHROMA name would confuse people. The judge said you’re damn straight they did (they didn’t say that). The bad guys quickly changed their brand name to Kardashian Beauty, somehow missing this oxymoron. The two companies eventually ended up settling. No word on whether either got their souls back from the Kardashians.