The dating world is a wild and wacky place, even at the best of times. Men do a lot of really bizarre stuff to try and attract women – whether those women want to be picked up or not – ranging all over the place from risking life and limb to saying stuff that might even make Hannibal Lecter seem reasonable (reminder: he eats people). It’s bad enough when people are face-to-face, but when people get into the world of online dating and hook-ups, it all tends to take a turn for the inexplicable and highly inappropriate.
Ever since the dawn of sites like OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, and other online dating platforms (and apps, like Tinder), people have been sending weird messages to other people. Women tend to get a lot of them. Lots of guys have this idea that they can say whatever they want to someone they find attractive, and if what they say isn’t liked, then obviously it’s not on them to change their approach or even apologize. Newsflash: that’s not how it works. There’s also this view that the internet isn’t real or doesn’t count, and it doesn’t tend to click that there’s a real live person on the other side of that screen. A real live person who actually means it when they list an age limit in their profile, and who really isn’t interested in a picture of a stranger’s genitals.
Those interactions aren’t the weirdest, though. No, no, there’s another brand of weirdness that really makes someone wonder … what was this guy thinking?
12. What’s The Difference Between Jam & Peanut Butter? It’s Not What You Think.
Some weird lines and questions start out seeming like they could be, or become, reasonable. Maybe there’s a learning moment to be had. Really, one could be forgiven for thinking that “What’s the difference between jam and peanut butter?” would be an actual, honest-to-goodness question.
They’d be wrong.
The answer? “I can’t peanut butter my d*ck in you.”
Oh. Oh. Well, most people don’t want peanut butter in them, anyway, so this is probably for the best. Jamming an object in someone is really not advised, either. It’s not like this particular object is inanimate, either, so it might hurt to jam it into anything without proper preparation. Foreplay, people.
11. How To Appear Creepy And Frighten People
Imagine getting this in your inbox: “Hey, I’m luring hotties to my house with candy this weekend. What do you prefer Skittles or M&Ms?”
It’s time to take this moment to remind people, especially men, that it’s not cute or funny to suggest that you’re “luring” people to your home. That sounds like a line a serial killer might say. Nobody should want to sound like a serial killer. For most women, there’s a very real fear that something bad could happen to them on a date, and this sort of line checks off every box on the “this could lead to Bad Things” list.
Thinking this is a good line does at least help potential partners knock this guy off the list of people to hook up with, though.
10. Let’s NOT Re-Enact Silence of the Lambs
“You have nice skin. I’d love to wear it as a onesie,” was a message sent to someone on Tinder. Okay, then. That’s remarkably creepy. How about no? Does no work for you? If not, let’s try hell no. Or better yet, maybe calling the cops and giving them this guy’s address might be the best thing you could do in this case.
There’s really not much else that can be said about that one, and we think you can certainly agree.
9. Another Take On Basement-Dwelling
“Can I lock you in my basement?” is another example of a Tinder user thinking that ‘serial killer’ is the thing to emulate when approaching somebody that they think is attractive or someone they might be interested in. Don’t do this. Just don’t. Joking about this sort of thing is liable to get you arrested, and for good reason, so do yourself and potential dates a big and necessary favor and stick to a simple “hey, how are you?”
8. No, Not The Cake!
Many weird messages are entirely harmless, at least, and this particular OkCupid message demonstrates that quite well.
Jim said to the OkCupid user in question: “Hi, I like your profile. Would you step barefoot on a cake?”
What a strange question, Jim, but still 1000% better than asking about your own genitals or making light of kidnapping. Eating the cake would make more sense, and would be a more enjoyable experience, but your mileage may vary. Perhaps he has a thing for feet, for seeing food stepped in, or he’s genuinely curious. We may never know.
7. Smooth, But Not Really
“Hey, so do you mind taking your clothes off?” Dating site user Nick asked an unsuspecting lady, “I’d like to see how angels hide their wings.”
He has to get some credit, maybe, for being up-front about wanting to see her naked, though he loses all of his points for the “I’m gonna compare her to an angel and watch her clothes fly off” approach – which doesn’t actually work, by the way. If it did, he wouldn’t have been featured on one of those blogs that showcases bad dating site messages. Better luck next time, Nick.
6. Not Even OkCupid Can Save You
One OkCupid user was having a crisis when he messaged the recipient of this gem: “I need help keeping to my path with the Lord… I’m struggling…”
Random OkCupid users can’t help you if you’re having a crisis of faith, mystery messenger. Everyone knows that’s not the real purpose of what he’s asking: this was probably going to be lead-up to asking for mystical oral sex to help him see the light, or something. This is OkCupid – anything is possible.
5. You Can Do WHAT?
“Hi, I can insert a whole straw in my pee hole, wanna see?“
Urethral sounding is a very, very, very specific kink, and like all kinks, isn’t something that should be inflicted on somebody that doesn’t make mention of it on their profile. Polite kinksters don’t just whip this stuff out without warning.
It’s not quite clear why this person decided to share that information with a stranger, though it’s easy to imagine that it was simply because they wanted to share their … special interest with somebody. Please, don’t.
4. Save It For Someone Else
How totally considerate! Random dude via text message to somebody on the internet: “I’m gonna save this erection for you for sure. I also try to be polite.”
That’s an interesting statement to make, and assumes that the person they’re messaging actually has interest in experiencing their erection. Never assume – remember the saying, “It makes an ass out of (yo)u and me”? It applies here. Don’t offer to share your genitals with someone unless their profile says that’s what they’re looking for, and not without actual lead-up to such a conversation. If that person isn’t interested in having an intimate run-in with you, then just leave that alone.
3. From 0 To 100 In 2 Seconds
A tip for the clueless: “Bear my children” is not a compliment. It’s very weird. It’s also very creepy, and ranks as one of the sorts of things to just not say to someone you don’t know very well. Friends say that to one another all the time as a way of saying “You are awesome”, but that’s a completely different beast to having someone you’ve never met message you with that request. Especially since the site this happened on was OkCupid.
“Raise kittens with me” is an option. Just saying.
2. Spiders Fear Her
Once upon a time, Glamour magazine had a video series – which is still available on YouTube (check it out) – where women shared the many weird messages they received while on various dating sites.
One message in particular really stood out for how oddly specific it was.
“I love it when a girl squishes spiders!”
Perfectly harmless to anybody that isn’t a spider, though still pretty out there. Is it a power thing? Is it because the image of a woman squishing a spider goes against the stereotype of squealing whenever a spider shows up? Is it because he doesn’t like to squish spiders? We’ll never know.
1. A Comparison Nobody Wants
Every once in a while, somebody will run across someone else on a dating site that looks exactly like an ex. Most people go the other way.
Some people, though, decide to message the person. Things go downhill from there. One such fellow on OkCupid messaged a woman with the following:
“You look a lot like an ex of mine, so I’m already quite… enthralled.” Weird, but… that’s as far as it’ll go, right?
“Too weird? Yeah, I guess that is a weird opening message. But, it’s true and all I had at the moment.” There is radio silence at that point until four days later, when he sends this gem through:
“Welp, it’s official, I’m obsessed with you. Get the restraining order paperwork ready. :P” Time to mash the ‘report’ button and block like mad.
Runner-Up: How About Those Oversized C*cks?
I actually like this message and I would like to meet this guy and his poultry.
“You’re gorgeous. Do you like tall Italian guys with huge cocks? I only ask because I’m 6’3″ and I own an over-sized chicken farm just outside of Rome.”
Sold. Let’s fly out to Rome and see those chickens.