Ah, Facebook – a place to connect with your friends, right? Err, sure. But it’s also totally a place to get annoyed by people you know. Seriously, scrolling through your news feed can sometimes be an exercise in patience. Since when did everyone become so damn opinionated? Since when did oversharing become normal? Will everyone just calm the F down?
The worst part about Facebook can sometimes be how uniquely annoying your friends can be. There isn’t just one form of annoying, if there was, that would make it so much easier to tolerate. There are many, many different ways people are annoying on Facebook. Between the selfies, the questions that could be answered by Googling, the political opinions, the people who spoil your shows – there’s just so many snakes in the garden.
Of course, since you’re not a total weirdo, you can’t just delete your Facebook – though, sometimes that seems enticing. For as annoying it can be, Facebook can also keep you up to date with pop culture and your friends’ lives, though you sometimes may wish you didn’t know so much about your friends’ lives. Like, why did Sarah post the salad she ate for lunch on Tuesday? Get a life, Sarah.
Below is a list of the 16 absolute worst Facebook friends and if you’re friends with any of these people, you’ve probably already been really annoyed with them in the past.
16. The Politico
The faster this election is over, the faster we can all go back to admitting that we don’t know shit about politics, right? Now more than ever, your news feed will likely be swarming with people expressing very strong opinions about the upcoming election.
Of course, that makes sense as it is a hot topic right now, but you probably have that one friend who really, really thinks they know what they are talking about when it comes to politics. Perhaps they totally do know all about what is going on with the government, but quite frankly, you wish they’d stop making statuses about it all the live long day.
Also, is it totally necessary to know who everyone is voting for? I mean, if Jimmy posts one more damn pro-Bernie article, we should all boycott and unfriend him. Bernie is out, Jimmy. Move on, buddy.
15. The #TBT Person Who Misses The Glory Days
Now that high school is done, we are no longer the same people we were for those four years. This can be good news to some. In fact, I think most of us are probably super pumped that high school is over. It’s an embarrassing time of self-exploration.
Whether you were a nerd or popular, you’ve probably grown up and matured. You’re off in the world striving to achieve your dreams, right? Well, that may be true for some of us, but not all of us. There will always be the guy or girl who peaked in high school. Before social media, they only had high school reunions and such to remind themselves of the good old days. With social media, though, they can now post #TBT whenever they want. You’d think a throwback Thursday would be restricted to Thursdays, but, let’s be honest, Donna posts throwbacks whenever she damn well feels. The real sad part is that Donna is 36 and still not over high school.
14. The Girl Who Takes More Selfies Than Kim K
These selfies could be old or new, but we are all friends with the girl who posts way, way too many selfies. She’s probably attractive, and she obviously thinks she’s attractive if she’s taking so many photos of herself. But, really, why do we have to look at the selfies she took after parking her car or while waiting for her dentist appointment? Why is she taking so many selfies? She is clearly a threat behind the wheel. Nicole should not be driving and selfie-ing!
Of course, we understand posting a really good selfie now and then. If you look good, flaunt it, just don’t flaunt it every single day. I don’t need to see that you looked cute while you were standing in line at the bank.
13. The Person Who Checks In Everywhere
Checking into places can be okay if you’re making a comment about said place, or perhaps posting a photo to go along with it. When you just check in somewhere, why are you doing that? We all have the friend that will check in everywhere, but what is the point? They are just letting us know where they are with absolutely no other commentary. They are not contributing anything else to the world of social media.
Even worse is when they have named their apartment something like ‘Johnny’s Fun House’ and they will check into their own apartment. First of all, Johnny, who says your dinky little apartment is actually a fun house? And two, why do we care that you’re home?
12. The Comment Arguer
If you actually argue with others on social media, you must have a sad, sad life. Of course, this goes hand in hand with current events. If you post an article about global warming or gun control or black lives matter, you’ll likely have someone comment on said status and argue with you. It’s practically a given, so you may as well prepare yourself.
I’m always wondering what this person thinks they are going to achieve. They will certainly not be changing any minds via a Facebook comment and it’s just a waste of everyone’s time. If you don’t agree with someone’s opinion or selfie, keep on scrollin’ and stop trollin’.
11. The Gym-Goer
If we’re being honest, we should all really go to the gym. Working out is great for your physical health and you end up looking good in the process too. It’s really a win-win.
However, some of your Facebook friends may be a little too enthusiastic about going to the gym. Between checking into the gym, posting selfies at the gym and even posting their stats from the gym, it’s too much. For whatever reason, Jessica wants all her friends to know that she ran four miles and Mike wants all of his friends to know how much he can bench press. Congratulations, Jessica and Mike, but we don’t really care.
10. The Person Selling You Something
This can come in many shapes and forms but the person who is selling you stuff via Facebook is the worst. They are literally trying to turn a profit off of you as a Facebook friend.
This doesn’t always have to be super obnoxious or obvious. For example, the hairdresser who posts before and after photos is technically selling you something but it is, at least, visually pleasing. She’s also not breathing down your neck. The bartender who posts that she’ll be working Thursday from 5 until close is also selling you something, but you may get some free shots out of it so that’s cool.
The worst is the person selling beauty products because they usually post about it. All. The. Time. And they promise life-changing results, but we all know that they are really just concerned about their commission. It’s so very obvious and so very annoying.
9. The Veiled Status Maker
This is the person who makes a subtle status about something going on in their life, only it is not subtle… at all. It may be in the form of straight up complaining about something or someone but not name-dropping. Like, we all know you’re talking about the fact that your husband didn’t do the dishes, Martha. We all know you miss your boyfriend, Susan. Just say what you’re really feeling or don’t make the status at all. This basically like when you would put emo song lyrics in your AIM profile when you were feeling low.
8. The Novel-Length Status Maker
Unlike Twitter, statuses can be longer than 140 characters, but they also shouldn’t be a page length. If you have such strong opinions, write an article or a blog post or call your mom. Your mother gave birth to you, so she’s biologically programmed to give a shit about your long-winded rant. I have no biological connection to you and so, I will not read your 2000-word status. Posting these long rants just clogs up everyone’s feed.
Also, why do these long ass posts get comments and hundred of likes? Let’s all stop liking these rants so people stop taking the opportunity to use their status update as a soapbox. If it’s so long that the “read more” option is literally taking people to a new page, cut it shorter. Surely you can get your opinion across in fewer words.
7. The Person Getting Married
Oh, great, another friend is getting married. Be prepared for the engagement photos, the photos of the ring and the photos of the happy couple. Also be prepared for everyone commenting on the new relationship status to wish the couple luck.
Once she (because this person is usually a woman if we’re honest) starts posting the engagement photos and questions about DJs, photographers, and caterers, that’s only the beginning. She’ll soon be posting about her bridesmaids, her shower, her bachelorette party, and the nail polish color of her toenails for the big day. How many pictures of pink penises do we all really need on our news feed? Okay, well actually the big penis balloons are the least annoying part about the process. If she just posted penis balloons every day, I’d be down with that.
6. The Old Relative
Whether it’s your grandparents or an older aunt, you most likely have some older relative who just does not get Facebook. You should hand it to them for trying. Really, you should. If I were older, I would not give a shit about Facebook. I would consider it a young person’s game and just not give it my time of day.
The older relatives are making an effort to stay hip, which is cool, only there is nothing really hip or cool about not knowing how to use Facebook. Then there is the relative that will sign their names at the end of comments or just comment some straight up weird stuff. We can’t blame them because they didn’t grow up with social media. You’d be just as weird on social media if you were older too.
Still, their goofy comments are lame and you’d almost rather not even be friends with them so you didn’t have to monitor yourself. I mean, not posting a hot selfie because Grandma will see it is the worst.
5. The Hashtagger
For the love of social media, why do people use hashtags on Facebook? They make sense for more open social networks like Twitter or Instagram. Even on Twitter or Instagram, using hashtags is kind of lame but at least it makes sense for someone trying to expand their social media presence. Who actually looks on the Facebook hashtags? Who?
Of course, if your friend is making a hilarious hashtag that is ironic or funny, we’re cool with that. We’re specifically calling out people that use things like #gym, #gains, #crossfit #eatclean. Just stop it already. Go post these obnoxious hashtags on Instagram and leave our Facebook alone, thank you very much.
4. The Weather Status Person
For the love of everything, why do people make statuses about the weather? Unfortunately, this isn’t usually just one friend but several friends who make statuses when something exciting happens weather-wise.
Whenever it snows, suddenly your newsfeed is a flood of snowflakes, snowmen, statuses about the snow, snow angels, snow freakin’ everything! Your news feed almost looks like you’re looking out your own window because it’s all just photos of falling snow – as if none of your Facebook friends have ever since snow before. It’s white and it’s cold. Get over it.
3. The Obsessed Parent
To some extent, every parent falls into this category because, well, every parent loves their baby. However, there are totally those parents who are just a little too loud about it on social media.
We don’t need to see photos of your baby saying “hilarious” things all the time. Of course, these things are funnier or cuter to said parents of the child and their extended families rather than you. I mean, if you just went to elementary school with the parent, how much are you going to care about this baby eating peas? Perhaps, they should consider just group texting the photos of little Emma eating her peas to their family members.
2. The Low-Key Bragger
There is nothing worse than someone who calls him/herself a hard worker – in life or on Facebook. Why, oh, why must you literally ask for congratulations on social media?
This is not just the person who posts milestone after milestone. Listen, if you graduate college or get a promotion, make a status about your bad self. I’ll even like it. The worst is the people who will post about how they got to work early or left work late every single time they do it. We get it, you’re working hard but we totally don’t feel like reading your status about #crushinit.
1. The Person Who Doesn’t Know What Google Is For
There is always the person who you want to explain what Google is to. They’ll make a status asking a question like how far away is the moon, what’s the weather like today or how do you make chicken marsala. Google could oh so easily answer all three of those questions for you. In fact, Google would probably even point you in the direction of a chicken marsala tutorial video and bam, you’re cooking.
For some reason, these statuses will actually get answered, thereby justifying this person’s dumb status so that tomorrow they make a status asking if Leo has ever won an Oscar. Google it, Sherlock!
Generally, you just scroll right by these statuses and wonder why this person doesn’t understand the brilliance of Google, but that doesn’t make it less annoying.
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