It’s known that humanity’s love affair with booze dates back to 10,000 B.C. thanks to the relatively recent discovery of beer jugs over 12,000 year old. People have probably been drinking alcohol for much longer – researchers just don’t have the proof. They believe the first brews were an accidental discovery similar to the antibiotic properties of penicillin, except much more popular and important to the human race. It’s likely that beer was a vital staple of early human diets, even that homo sapiens had to stay drunk to survive before the invention of bread as a source of portable nutrition.
Mercifully, people figured out better ways to feed themselves, making alcohol an enjoyable cultural drink rather than a life-saving elixir. Plenty of reasons still exist to drink, although social events and peer pressure tend to be among the top motivators of intoxication. All of the drunkest days of the year in the U.S. revolve around sports, tragedy and non-American cultural holidays that are misinterpreted as a carte blanche to drink excessive amounts of booze. These are the drunkest days of 2014, as reported by BACtrack smartphone breathalyzers.
10. March 8th – World Becomes a Less Certain Place – 0.088
One of the most stressful days of the year internationally ended up being March the 8th. Russia was in the process of annexing Crimea, directly challenging the moral and political authority of the United States and Western allies. Early in the morning, Malaysia Airlines MH 370 disappeared without contact along with 239 passengers and crew only two hours after taking off on a flight from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing.
These two events intersected in a tragic manner later on in the year, when Malaysia Flight MH17 was shot down by a surface-to-air missiles allegedly fired by Russian separatists fighting in Ukraine on July 17th, resulting in the deaths of 298 people.
9. January 19th – NFL Conference Finals – 0.088
The popularity of NFL football and the dedication of its fans is expressed best through the incredible amount of drinking that takes place every year during the playoffs. The conference finals took place on January 19th the past season, resulting in a BAC rating of 0.088. The Denver Broncos beat the New England Patriots 26-16 and the Seattle Seahawks defeated the San Francisco 49ers 23-17.
These events caused the fans of the winning teams to drink in a frenzy of celebration and the fans of the losing team to drown their sorrow in booze.
8. January 18th – Day Before NFL Conference Finals – 0.090
The day before the NFL playoffs featured the battle of four of the best teams vying to earn a ticket to the Super Bowl, and fans engaged in a dress rehearsal of drinking to excess in preparation to drunkenly cheer their favourite squad. This lead to the surprisingly high BAC content of 0.090 recorded by users, which is 0.002 drunker than the results during the game itself. Although NFL fans were disappointed in scoring a higher level of drunk during practice, they insist they gave 110% throughout the weekend and were pleased with their overall drinking performance…
7. February 1st – Beginning of Super Bowl Weekend – 0.090
The 2014 NFL playoffs featured two days of drunkenness achieved by fans on a sacred quest to suppress the normal function of the brain just enough to become the ultimate fan – but not enough to get arrested. Scoring the same as January 18th’s impressive BAC of 0.090, February 1st’s drinking levels matched the dedication of the NFL fans who pre-drank 24 hours before the Conference Finals. However, unlike the conference finals pre-drink, the Super Bowl pre-drink ended up being wildly successful in helping to set up one of the five drunkest days of the year.
6. May 3rd – Two Days Before Cinco de Mayo – 0.090
Staying true to the traditional interpretation of Cinco de Mayo, many Americans celebrated the holiday by drinking a fantastic amount of alcohol on May 3rd – likely because people have to work on May 5th, which fell on a Monday in 2014.
Citizens of the United States gather with their Mexican brethren to celebrate the victory of the Mexican army over the forces of Napoleon during the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862. Either that, or non-Mexicans in the United States just want an excuse to drink lots of booze and eat Mexican food.
5. February 2nd – Super Bowl Sunday – 0.091
If football is one of the biggest religions in the United States, the Super Bowl is one of the most important sermons, featuring plenty of true believers imbibing at altars such as bars, restaurants, living rooms and anywhere else a television exists. Super Bowl XLVIII ended up being entirely forgettable, with the Seattle Seahawks jumping to a 22-0 lead before halftime. Despite boring the parishioners with a terrible football game, the fans managed to score a respectable BAC of 0.091 during the 43-8 blowout.
4. February 15th – Day After Valentine’s Day – 0.092
People probably don’t flock to the drink the day after Valentine’s Day to celebrate romantic conquests heroically fulfilled the night prior. The trauma inflicted by the day of love scars millions, including the restaurant servers, chocolatiers, flower shops, candy shops and others who serve the demands of those seeking to find optimal romantic solutions for their valentines. Due to these stressors, the Valentine’s Day industry joins jilted and disappointed lovers in drinking their memories under the table – all in the name of true love.
3. January 25th – Pro Bowl with Stock Dip – 0.093
Prior to January 25th, the stock market suffered a significant dip, with the Dow Jones falling by three digits for the second day in a row, resulting in the worst performance of this market since November 2011. This reflected a lack of confidence in a variety of businesses around the world and had a huge negative impact on currencies such as the Argentinian peso and the Turkish lira. Making matters worse, those who suffered losses to their portfolio had to endure the Pro Bowl as their only source of football before the Super Bowl, increasing BAC levels to 0.093.
2. New Year’s Eve – 0.094
The second least surprising day that people drink a lot is New Year’s Eve. This popular drinking event combines a painful reminiscence of the previous 364 days with the social pressure of beginning the new year with the best party of the year. Instead of quiet contemplation of the year passed or planning a nice get together for friends and family, many choose the path of least resistance.
Specifically, utilizing the inebriating power of alcohol to completely overpower negative emotions and sound decision-making in the process of destroying uncomfortable memories.
1. St. Patrick’s Day – 0.094
St. Patrick’s Day marks a crucial evolution in the spiritual faith of the Irish, honoring the national apostle and patron saint who was credited for spreading christianity throughout Ireland.
Many see this holiday as an opportunity for sincere religious renewal, spiritual introspection as well as the chance to thank God for the limitless bounties heaped onto humankind. Others see St. Patrick’s Day as an opportunity to take advantage of culturally insensitive stereotypes that instruct people to celebrate in the same way they believe Irish people do: by drinking way too much. This also seems to be the one day when it’s ok to ruin beer with green food coloring.