Douchebag: (noun) An obnoxious or contemptible person, typically a man.
So, you are either here because you would like to find out if someone you know is in fact a douche or you want to find if you are a douche.
We have compiled a list of 15 things that the majority of all douches do. If you find that you do 1 or 2 of these things, the chances of you being a total douche are fairly slim. If you find yourself nodding your head to eight or nine (or even more), chances are pretty high that you are in fact a douche.
15. Using Your Middle Finger.. A Lot
If you go to your Facebook or Instagram page and see picture after picture of you flipping off the camera or giving any ‘gangsta’ signs, you can check this one off and congratulate yourself on being one step closer to confirming your douche-status.
There is no reason for the middle finger unless someone cuts you off while driving or steals the last jalapeno popper. There are a few legitimate circumstances for using the middle finger, however, a camera coming out is definitely not one of them. When the camera comes out, put the fingers away and say ‘cheese!’ or something equivalent. If you don’t know how to smile or take a proper picture, practice in front of the mirror.
14. You Are All About The Bass
You are all about the bass. You couldn’t care less about any of the other components that make up the song. You want bass. You enjoy the thrill of having your ear drums scream in pain and your insides shake. The louder or more obnoxious your car, the more ‘boss’ you feel. The speakers and other acoustic components in your vehicle are worth at least 3 times more than the vehicle itself.
Being all about the bass will get you one step closer to destination— Doucheville!
13. You Carry a Man Bag
If you own a murse or a man bag and actually use it, that’s another check. If you were gifted one but it is still sitting in the back of your closet with tags still attached, that doesn’t count. That’s just unfortunate.
Yes, celebrities like Tom Brady and David Beckham wear man-bags. They are also self-absorbed multimillionaires that resemble Greek Gods. They could go out in hot pink spandex biker shorts and scrunchy socks and nobody would bat an eyelash.
So, if you are not Tom Brady or David Beckham, skip the murse. A fanny pack would even be better than strolling around carrying a murse or man-bag—at least ‘inflated ego’ wouldn’t be the 1st thing to come to mind when people saw you.
12. Phone Etiquette
Your iPhone is permanently attached to your hand and you spend more time with your head down texting and updating your Facebook status than you do carrying on any actual one-on-one conversations. It isn’t bad enough that you are perma-glued to your phone but you actually think people equate you talking or texting on your phone to importance! It couldn’t be further from the truth!
Your phone addiction is made worse when you take calls during dates or public settings in general— restaurants, movie theaters, classrooms, etc. Talking loudly and not doing anything to lower your volume or excuse yourself to take the call is arrogant and rude. We don’t care how incredible last night was or about the millions in your bank account. Please do yourself a favor if you don’t want to be seen as a douche, put the phone away. Throwing a genuine smile our way will definitely put you a lot further ahead than doing anything with your phone.
If your grooming habits include waxing all the hair from your body, more than a 3-step skincare routine, or getting professional manicures, you might be a douche.
A guy that freaks out when he feels a drop of rain or feels a gust of wind, is in douche territory. He might not be in doucheville yet but he’s in the general vicinity. You shouldn’t have to worry about hair gel washing down your face and ruining your hair. You shouldn’t have to think about what the wind is doing to your 30-minute straightening job.
If you don’t want to be a douche, get real. If a girl were to hear you freaking out over your hair she would turn and run the other way. Also, yes nail polish for guys was a thing several years ago, well just no. We won’t even go there.
Do you find it easy to meet people but difficult to make friends? Are there lots of people out there that are jealous of you?
Narcissists are charming— at first. Then, that charm wears off and they’re just another arrogant, egocentric, self-absorbed as*hole. Almost like the Disney film Cinderella, except instead of the beautiful and charming Cinderella turning into a poor, unfortunate house maid, the charming gentleman with the good looks turns into a repulsive turd. Oh, and the glass slipper is…the narcissist’s iPhone full of half naked selfies.
If you have a lifetime membership to Tropical Tan R’ Us, there is a real possibility that you could be a larger than life douche. Putting looks before your health is a major douche alert.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to achieve a radiant glow a la Bradley Cooper but it’s another thing to look like Simon Cowell or an Oompa Loompa. There are plenty of alternative options (i.e. using a subtle tinted moisturizer) that for you to visit a tanning bed every week in the name of frying yourself to a crisp…just isn’t cool. Unless you are legitimately getting back from Cancun, the dark tan needs to go unless of course you are actively trying to look like a douche.
8. Serial Cheater
Monogamy is not in your vocabulary. You are always keeping an eye out for the next best thing. You have no problem flirting with the hot waitress right in front of your date. If your date has a problem with it, that sounds like her problem not yours.
You believe you are God’s gift to women and unfortunately you haven’t found anyone worthy of you to settle down with. I mean how long did Adam have to wait before God introduced him to Eve, right? Unless you are planning on following in the footsteps of whats-his-name from Sister Wives, it’s not cool. It’s actually not even cool to follow in whats-his-name’s footsteps either but…that’s an entirely different topic for another day!
Are you employed? If not, have you been offered a position somewhere but felt you were overqualified for the job and were insulted that they even thought you would accept it? Would you rather stay unemployed, holding out for an executive or management position than work an entry-level job?
If you’re employed do you refer to your co-workers as ‘morons’ or ‘losers’? Do you jump from job to job?
Feeling overqualified, when you definitely don’t have the education or experience to backup your ‘overqualification’ claims, is one of the most common symptoms experienced by those with doucheitis. Thankfully, the treatment is inexpensive and relatively easy. Unfortunately, most sufferers refuse treatment. The treatment? A good swift kick is the butt.
6. Trying To Make Yourself Look Good
Newsflash! Throwing your friends under the bus to make yourself look better actually just makes you look like an a**. The only thing you are doing is turning women away.
Why are you so insecure that you feel the need to put others down and embarrass them in front of other people? It’s awful to betray a friend for a moment of perceived glory. Your friends stop trusting you and eventually they will stop wanting to hang out with you. Why not talk someone up instead of throwing them to the ground? Being complimentary and nice will go further than being a douche.
Learn to live by the golden rule, “Treat others like you would like to be treated.”
5. Telling The Same Old Stories
No way! You sprinted through the lobby of the MGM Grand butt naked?! Yes, we know! It was hilarious the 1st time you told it…. but we’re now all hearing it again for the 110th time and it’s getting pretty lame. If you don’t have any new stories to share, just keep your mouth shut and let someone else have a turn talking.
Why not have a conversation? A conversation with someone other than yourself. Generally speaking, it takes 2 or more people to have a conversation. Stop talking about yourself. Why not try listening for a change?
4. You Are Going To The Gym
We get it. You are into physical fitness. You are so much better than the rest of us, those who decide sleeping at 3am is preferable to sweating it out at the gym. Is it really necessary to tell the world that you are going to the gym or going for a 40-mile run? Unless you were chased by a grizzly bear on that 40-mile run, nobody cares!! Unless you saw Betty White doing bench presses, nobody cares!
It’s wonderful that you work out and stay active. It would also be wonderful if you just shut up about it. Having to tell the world how much you lifted or how far you ran is narcissism at its finest. You are attempting to covertly or passively ask everyone to feed into your narcissistic personality. It would be much better for everyone if you just said, “I need to feel good about myself so please for the love of God like my status!!”.
Anti-douche behavior would be to covertly work out and attain the body of a Spartan God. No need to tell the world what you are doing to become a Spartan God. The hard work will speak for itself.
Have you ever noticed the straight yellow lines on the pavement, typically seen in a parking lot or parking garage? You probably haven’t.
In your head a parking spot ‘confines’ you to one location and you are not one to be ‘confined’. You don’t want to be stuck in a spot, even if it is a designated parking spot. You are a narcissist of the worst kind and for some reason you believe just your existence gives you the right to park wherever you feel like it.
You might also be someone who just doesn’t want anyone breathing in your car’s direction. You also linger outside your car for a little longer than necessary just in case you catch someone eyeing up your car. If it’s a hot girl eyeing up your car you might use exaggerated movements to re-enter your car and blast the sound system. That will surely get her attention.
2. Ed Hardy T-Shirts
If there is more than one Ed Hardy T-Shirt in your closet, that’s one too many. Ed Hardy is one of the most obvious ways for women to tell who is a douche without even having to deal with them opening their mouth! It’s awesome for women because it saves a lot of time and energy.
How can owning a T-Shirt make you a douche? It can’t. Owning an Ed Hardy T-Shirt makes you a douche. Ed Hardy T-Shirts are emblazoned with bold colorful graphics. They aren’t too terrible to look at. It’s the cost that makes these shirts ridiculous and you would have to be a douche to even want to wear one! $200 for a T-Shirt that has the same quality of a Jockey T-Shirt that you can buy for $3.99??
If you don’t own an Ed Hardy T-Shirt, good for you. If you ever get the urge to own an Ed Hardy T-Shirt, go to the ATM and withdraw $200 in cash. Then, stand above your toilet and say goodbye to the $200.
Most of these ’15 Likely Douche Things’ have exceptions, however, this one has no exceptions. If you have purchased a selfie stick, there are no ifs ands or buts about it— you are suffering from a full-blown case of total douche.
Taking selfies of yourself for Facebook or Instagram implies that you are either self conscious and fishing for ‘likes’ or you are vain and looking for ‘likes’ to affirm you are looking good. A selfie every once in awhile for your profile picture is fine but…. um.. sometimes people don’t seem to realize that if someone clicks on your profile picture they can see how many poses you went thru to get ‘the shot’ and how many profile picture changes you’ve done in the last 5 minutes. Seeing that someone has actually been sitting for 5 minutes staring at their own picture and analyzing every pore is kind of a big turn off.
Also, when your face looks airbrushed and has a slight ethereal quality to it, you have applied a filter. Applying a filter to a selfie that isn’t obvious (i.e. rainbow selfies to celebrate gay marriage, etc.)..is pretty darn lame. You may think people don’t notice you have applied a filter and it really is just the direction of the sun glistening off your cheekbones like the Twilight vampires but…please know that people do notice these things.