To quote Jerry Seinfeld (the character, not the actor): “No one knows what they’re doing down there. You just close your eyes and hope for the best.” Like they say, women are from venus and men are from mars. No matter how free and open lines of communication are, there is bound to be some degree of misunderstanding between the sexes. This is especially true when it comes to, well, sex.
If you’ve ever wondered just what a girl is thinking during the act, you’ve come to the right place. We did some hard-hitting investigative journalism to tell you just that. Although there is some crossover between boys and girls, there are also a lot of differences in what they think in bed. The word (s-e-x) might be the same for both parties, but the mechanics are not. Just to give you a gross-out example, aside from some outstanding circumstances, there is always material proof that a man is “done”. A woman, unless attached to some of EKG monitor, must be taken on her word.
If we’ve piqued your interest, then let’s hop right in. Find out below the twenty main things that a woman will think while you and she are doing the dirtiest deed of ’em all.
20. How Much Noise Should I Make?
In adult films, the people (or at least the girls) make a whole lot of noise. They raise HELL up in those brightly lit studios. But just like the superbowl barely resembles the football you play with your buddies on the weekend, sex in adult films barely resembles actual, real-life intercourse. That said, adult films (and, to some extent, blockbuster movies) have skewed our ideas about how much noise to make in bed. If you make too much, you might seem nuts, but if you make too little you seem like you’re not enjoying it. Take our word for it though, your female companion will usually wonder just what that perfect pitch is.
19. Is My Breath Okay?
For almost a hundred years, Listerine has taught us to believe that, without its antiseptic help, we are constantly spewing decomposing maggot gas from our faces. Even if most people have totally inoffensive breath, it’s a very big concern amongst the general populace. This is especially true in an up-close-and-personal setting like the boudoir. “If he couldn’t smell my breath across the dinner table, he probably can now”, your partner will think, but it would be ridiculous to preemptively say to her: “Don’t worry, your breath is just fine,” because then she’d be like: “Wtf man.”
18. My Hair Is So Annoying
As good as long, flowing tresses look, they can really get in the way during adult activities. Actually, if you ask any girl with long hair, she’ll tell you they get in the way just about all the time. But this is especially true when you’re rolling around between the sheets in a highly unruly fashion, usually with the lights off (unless you’re not that kind of person, in which case more power to you). There’s a good chance it’ll get caught between the two of you, or under someone’s weight, and then it’ll get pulled and hurt. Or you’ll both get a honkin’ mouthful of it when you go in for a kiss. As sexy as it can make a girl feel, it can also take the air right out of the mood.
17. Will I Get Pregnant?
Yep, the age old concern: “Will I get pregnant?” No matter how fun the romp is, it’s always a looming concern. Men simply don’t have to consider that. Well they do, but in a far more removed fashion than the girls. Time and tradition have shown that when a baby does occur, the girl usually ends up taking most of the responsibility for it. That is why we always advise the use of a condom. It’s extremely effective in preventing pregnancy, and it also protects your wiener from possible germs and bacteria it might pick up from whatsoever “foreign locale.”
16. I’m Burning Up
Intercourse can be kind of stuffy. It’s fun as all hell, but it also gets hot (and heavy). When you’re on top, half of your body surface is expose to the draft in the room. Fresh cool air rolls over your back as your front half is consumed with bliss. As for the girl, she has a big hairy dude on top of her and a thick-ass mattress at her back. In certain cases, heat can be good. It makes the whole thing seem cozier and more intimate. But sometimes it gets to be a little too much, and your girl will wanna excuse herself for a (hot) minute to go and stick her head into the freezer.
15. I’m Freezing
On the flip side, everyone gets the ole “cold bum” every once in a while. That’s when you’re fooling around with someone and your naked butt catches a chill. Perhaps this doesn’t happen in warmer, tropical climates, where the air is always somewhat warm, but in cold places, even if the furnace is blasting, there’s always an ambient chill in the room ready to nip at expanses of exposed flesh, namely the bootay and the hamstrings. Try this: if she’s on top of you for long enough, pull the blankets over her. She’ll give out a good shiver, warm up, and thank you for it in the hottest possible way.
14. That’s New…
Even if she doesn’t say anything, your girl will notice if you bust out a new move while the two of you are fooling around, the same way you would notice if she did. We’re not saying you should stick to the old stuff for fear of being “caught in the act” of trying something new. Quite the opposite: surprise is the lifeblood of fun and fulfillment. But if you all of a sudden pop a mint before going down on your lady (so she’ll get an extra tingle), she’s not going to just think it was a happy coincidence. She’ll think: “New moves… I like ’em.”
13. He’s Kind of Quiet
To throw back to what we said earlier about volume: while girls are concerned with making too much noise, maybe guys should be concerned about making enough. We spend so long playing with ourselves in our parents’ houses that we learn, down to our DNA, to be quiet as mice when we’re feeling that kind of pleasure. As far as we’re concerned, it’s something to be enjoyed as stoically as possible. But think about it this way: if someone made you a big meal, even if you ate with gusto, they wouldn’t be fully satisfied unless you said: “Mmm! That was delicious!” Apply that same logic to the bedroom. Show her your appreciation with actions and with words.
12. Am I Doing Alright?
Everyone is bound to feel a little bit of doubt when performing intimate favours. Because you can’t really put yourself inside the other person’s body (figuratively! git yer mind outta the gutter), it’s impossible to know for sure if what you’re doing is working or if they’re only being polite. A good tactic to work around this is the “good and bad” feedback. “I love when you do this, but try this.” Not going for complete: “I loved it! Absolute perfection!” will demonstrate honesty, giving potency to your compliments to the chef.
11. Slow Down
We men can be impatient beasts. We want everything right now, right away, as fast as humanly possible. Although that can be good sometimes, it can also be sort of a mood killer. When you’re going warp speed in the bedroom, it might feel pleasurable to you, but it feels like hell for your partner. Okay, let’s qualify: it doesn’t always feel like hell. It feels like absolute heaven when you’re neck and neck in terms of how “close” you are and you’re both just making that mad dash to the finish line. But when you’re going at a steady clip and she’s still at the starting line, going as fast as you can is just gonna slow her down.
10. Talk Dirty
Earlier when we mentioned silence, we meant it in a “deathly silence” versus “guttural grunting” kind of way. This is different: talking dirty is creating fully formed, syntactically coherent sentences meant to excite and arouse. Obviously, it’s a challenge. You might get a little shy when told to arouse with what amounts to your intellect (not because it’s lacking, but because you’re not really practiced at it). It also feels like spinning your arms in two different directions: you have to focus on the humping part AND on not being stumped for conversation? No thanks. Don’t overthink it though: just open your mouth and let the words fly. The first few’ll be stilted, then you’ll get into it and your partner will thank you.
9. Pull My Hair (Not Too Hard)
Hair pulling feels great. It’s sexy, it’s dangerous, and it’s a great way to play with power in the bedroom. But, again, let’s qualify: a lot of girls feel like men pull their hair too hard. The skin on the top of your head is sensitive. Having your hair tugged at it blasts it full of pleasureless pain. A good tip is to grab the hair from the root. That way, it’s easy to control just how much force you administer, pulling hard enough to feel a tug, but not so hard that it whips your poor partners head backwards like a dashboard bobble.
8. My Nipples Aren’t Twist Caps
Here again we evoke the need for a somewhat lighter touch. While nipples are very sensitive, easily aroused parts of the female body, they’re also very delicate. The skin is soft and tender. When warmed up, they can handle a fair deal of roughness, but everything in moderation. We understand that you just get so into it, you forget yourself. And she can forgive that up to a point, because she likes you and because it feels good. But consider her, consider what her threshold might be, and try to retain yourself just a little bit for her pleasure.
7. Let’s Do Backdoor Stuff
Speaking of forgetting yourself to pleasure, girls often think during the act whether you two should try backdoor stuff. Under normal circumstances, it’s kind of out of the question. But that’s because the proper muscles haven’t been warmed up. Backdoor stuff, as far as we can tell, is more of an “impulse purchase” than a “carefully considered, logically made decision.” Because logicially it’s always gonna be a “no.” I mean owwww, right? But illogically, it could feel really good, or at least be crazy hot and exciting. Try asking her while the lovin’ is really good. You’d be surprised how much amenable she is than usual.
6. Are My Legs Prickly?
Women do their best to look and feel beautiful. That includes the, from what we can tell, extremely tedious task of shaving their legs. But we like it when their legs are soft and smooth as satin, so they do it. Unfortunately, sometimes they miss some spots (the same way we sometimes forget to shave half our faces). On us, after a few hours it just blends in with the five o’clock shadow. On them, it leaves prickly patches that kill the whole fantasy of them being ready made, woke-up-like-dis. Even if they were thorough as thorough can be, you can bet that girls are wondering if they missed a spot when they Epiladied earlier.
5. Did He Learn That From Adult Films?
Picture this: you guys are doing the dirty in some pretty basic but perfectly pleasurable pose. Then you switch things up into some acrobatic position that requires flexibility, core strength, and cardio-vascular endurance. Even if that just sprung from your sexual imagination, you can bet that your girl will be thinking that you saw this in an adult movie and told yourself you absolutely had to try it. If there’s one stereotype that affects men from every age, race, orientation, and religion (okay, maybe not religion…), it’s that we spend a lot of time on CornHub. Even if we didn’t get something from it, girls are always gonna think we did.
4. Let’s Try This in the Shower
Even though shower sex is more of a hassle than anything else (slipping and sliding, water where you don’t want it, dry despite being soaking wet), girls still want to do it. It’s because it is the sort of sanitized naughtiness, like whipped cream and French maid costumes, that people adore. So when you guys have done it a good number of times in the bedroom, you can bet that your girl will be yearning to move it to the bathroom. Protip if you do? Throw down those non-slip suction pads. They’ll help you get the leverage you need in the standing position, and they’ll save you from tearing down the shower curtain as you fall from the tub and into the towel rack.
3. Please Don’t Finish On My Sheets
Another thing you can bet money she’ll be thinking, if you guys are in her bed, is that she doesn’t want you to finish on her bedding. It’s not that it’s super expensive or anything, but as precious as your stuff is to you, to everyone else it’s kind of repugnant. Furthermore, if you do finish on her sheets, that means she’ll be forced to launder them, regardless of how clean they were to begin with. Like you can wear a shirt you accidentally got egg yolk on, a self-respecting person cannot be going to sleep for another week on DNA encrusted sheets.
2. This Feels Good
Yes, even though we’ve been taught for centuries that women are sex-hated creatures, this isn’t the case. Women and men think about sex the same amount, they just think about it differently. You’d be surprised to learn how much adult entertainment women consume (and, much like men watch lesbian videos, women sometimes watch gay ones!) So it’s no wonder that during intercourse, the main, primary thought crossing a woman’s head would be none other than: “Damn, this feels great!” Obviously, your mind can wander during the deed, thinking about this and that, but most of the time it’s gonna stay on how much pleasure is positively vibrating through your body.
1. I Hope He Gets Me There
And finally, the last though women have during the deed is that they hope their man is able to finish them off. Even though some women have trouble getting all the way there, many don’t, and their hope is that men will be patient, self-assured, and selfness enough to help them reach that place of physical nirvana, where your sheets stop mattering, your legs are smooth no matter how long ago you shaved them, nothing could hurt your nipples, you’re at the absolute perfect temperature, and you weren’t too lazy to pause House of Cards before you guys got started at all.