You may start to feel all warm and fuzzy inside or maybe you’ll start leaping over picnic tables. You’ll completely throw Bathroom Etiquette 101 out the window—if they are breathing you will want to talk to them regardless of if they are ‘doing business’ or not. Dancing? You will become a dance machine! It’s a biological fact that every drunk person LOVES to dance and yell, most of the time at the same time. From the moonwalk to “Cotton-Eyed Joe”, you will be out there shakin’ that thang!
Here are 15 ways to know when you should be on your way to the safety and comfort of your own home! Cheers!
NOTE: You most definitely don’t want to find out you’ve had too much to drink from a field sobriety test administered by a police officer …so do yourself a favor—schedule a cab ride ahead of time!
15. “Just One More…”
It all starts when you utter those 3 little words, “Just one more…”. It is never just one more. That’s the equivalent of saying you are just going to eat one more Cool Ranch Dorito. Don’t kid yourself. It can’t be done.
You have important stuff going on tomorrow and you need to be at the top of your game. You’re a responsible adult. You have a job. You pay your own car insurance. You schedule your own doctor’s appointments! Somehow the memories of how previous ‘Just one more..’ evenings turned out or how wonderful you are going to feel Saturday morning seems fuzzy and irrelevant in your decision-making.
14. Your Volume Control Starts Malfunctioning
“CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!!!”
You feel confident and ready to share your thoughts and opinions with the world; and in order to communicate with others you must yell as loud as you possibly can.
You feel people need to hear what you have to say and if that means standing on top of the table to declare you are voting for Trump because he’s f*cking awesome, so be it. Walking 6 feet without having to stop in your tracks to declare something or share a momentous revelation—suddenly becomes extremely difficult.
Unfortunately for you whatever you just said with such conviction and enthusiasm…was nothing but unintelligible babble. We have no clue what just came out of your mouth—and we would actually probably like to keep it that way.
13. You Start Bringing Sexy-Back..
During a trip to the bathroom you realize how hot you are looking tonight! I mean, you are looking incredible. “Who is that sexy beast staring back at me in the mirror?!” You emerge from that bathroom with a new found swagger and confidence that you did not have before you made this mind-blowing discovery.
You strut your way back to your posse and it seems they all know that the secret is out and you are bringing sexy-back tonight because you suddenly hear them telling you that it’s time to leave.
You just don’t seem to realize that when your sexy self came out of that bathroom, what you were doing wouldn’t really be considered ‘strutting’ or’ ‘walking’ for that matter. You were moving more like a bear that had fallen out of a tree. Yes, people were staring but that wasn’t because they thought you were a sexy beast. It was probably that sheet of toilet paper you had hanging out of the back of your pants.
12. Clothing Becomes Optional
You start to feel like you are in a sauna. You are wearing way too much clothing to be standing in a sauna. You feel no shame in stripping down. It is sweltering in here and…you, my friend, are a sexy beast. It would be a great disservice to all the ladies here tonight to not show them some eye candy.
You pretend you were just asked directions by someone on the far side of the room, giving you an imaginary excuse to flex and point in a non-awkward way.
Except…it is awkward any creepy looking. Why do drunk people insist on shedding their clothes? If you are taking off your clothes in a public place…there’s no ifs ands or buts about it—you are drunk. Eye candy? Unless you are Channing Tatum, keep your clothes on!
11. The Truth Serum Starts Taking Effect
You start to feel like Dr. Phil or Deepak Chopra. Deep, soul-bearing conversations start to flow with random strangers. You begin to pour your heart out to everyone and anyone that will listen. You start mediating those that you feel are having relationship woes and diffusing random bar fights.
Your soul-bearing conversations end with an enthusiastic “..but I LOVE YOU, MAN!”.
Sadly, dispensing as much unsolicited advice as you have isn’t gaining you too many new friends. Making out with random people that you believe to be having ‘relationship troubles’ or jumping in the middle of a bar fight doing your best Rocky impersonation and ending up with a black eye isn’t something that Chopra or Dr. Phil would support.
You also, unfortunately, have a cell phone in your hand. You are texting everyone that is on your contact list. You are texting your parents, old professors, exes, etc. You find that you are able to say what you have been wanting to say for a very long time. The words just flow like beer at Oktoberfest.
Fixation (noun): an obsessive or unhealthy preoccupation or attachment.
Congratulations. You have persuaded your sober driver to take you to Taco Bell at 2am. You have only been screaming about stuffing your face with a beef gordita for the past hour.
When drunk, you become fixated on one thing and that is the ONLY thing that matters. If you start the night off with a slight craving for something like…a beef gordita from Taco Bell. That craving will take on a life of its own; turning into a ‘my life is depending on me getting a beef gordita…right now!!!’.
From food to finding out who that person in the Red Wings shirt is at the end of the bar. You become unhealthily fixated and obsessed with one person, thing, or idea.
Have you ever seen a dog go after a peanut butter filled Kong toy? The dog goes nuts! It becomes possessed! It has to get every last bit of peanut butter out of that Kong toy. This is similar to a drunk person becoming fixated on…..anything.
9. Work Or Class Tomorrow? Not Anymore!
7am conference tomorrow? Nah. That just isn’t happening. I don’t mind getting an ass-chewing from my boss, it isn’t the 1st and it certainly won’t be the last. Thermodynamics exam? Hm. What can I contract? Flu? Nah. That would be too infantile and overused. Rabies? Too extreme. Head lice? Genius! All I need is baby powder. Nobody wants a head lice outbreak in their classroom.
It doesn’t matter what you have going on tomorrow. You are living in the here and now. Everything takes a backseat to tonight. If you catch yourself beginning to say “I don’t give a flying….” about anything going on the following day, it’s time to call a taxi!
8. If The Bathroom Gave Out Frequent Flyer Miles You’d Earn A Free Trip Around-The-World
You dread that 1st pee of the night because you know….once you break the seal, you could set a stop watch to when you have to pay a visit to the bathroom. 15 minute intervals and when you gotta go, you gotta go. If you are mid-drink order and that 15 minute mark hits—see ya! It’s incredible how as soon as that seal is broken, your bladder basically gives up having to hold anything.
If that bathroom was handing out frequent flyer miles you would be earning a free trip around-the-world. Instead you are just increasing your chances of catching E.coli.
When you get to the point that you can’t even make it to the bathroom to pee, you discreetly pee elsewhere.
Discreetly, meaning directly behind the DJ.
7. Evander Holyfield? You Could Run Circles Around The Wuss
You notice throughout the course of the evening you have become incredibly coordinated and strong! You are able to perform astonishing feats of strength that leave people staring in amazement. How have you just come to realize you could do a back flip over a bar stool or leap over a picnic bench with ‘…one giant leap for mankind!’?
You feel like Adonis Johnson from Creed. You are ready to take on the world. You start to believe anyone that looks at you is challenging you.
Somewhere between spotting a worthy challenger and walking over to punch him in the face you must have tripped on a table leg because you have found yourself face first on the floor of the bar. Oh and doing a half cartwheel over a bar stool is not a back flip…neither is skipping around the parking lot considered leaping over picnic tables.
6. “Where Are My Legs?”
You have lost your legs. It sounds crazy but it’s true. You don’t have them anymore. They are somewhere around the bar but…you can’t remember where you left them. You have checked the bathroom, even the tank on the back of the toilet. You have asked everyone from the bartender to the guardian of the door. Nobody has seen them.
You come to the conclusion that your friends must have taken them when they left. How did they take them without you noticing? Why would they be such as*holes? How are you going to get to work tomorrow without them? What if somebody asks where they are—you lost them at a bar? Just as you are starting to feel sick at the thought of your legs being missing, “Whip Nae Nae” comes on. You make a break for the dance floor.
5. Money Tree
You start to believe money grows on trees….and Warren Buffett’s bank account is jealous of yours. You go to the ATM and start seeing extra zeros and then the zeros turn into happy faces dancing. If someone brings up Mexico or Canada. You are ready and willing to leave..tonight! You’ll worry about money when you get there.
Poker? Blackjack? If you are at a casino and start to believe money grows on the oak tree in your backyard, it’s time to bid your party farewell, and call a taxi.
4. You See The Reflection of Your Face Where The Reflection Of Your Butt Usually Is
You are staring into the white porcelain abyss and all you see is a distorted, sweaty face staring back at you. Man, you went from looking so hot to looking like dog poop in no time.
Has it really come to this? Kneeling on the floor in front of a dirty toilet bowl, your face inches away from the waters in which you are about to release a torrent of abuse—bile, booze, and fried cheese curds. And then you feel it. The tsunami starts building in your stomach. The gurgling and churning of the waves as they start backing up in your throat. Then it happens. There is nothing you can do. It is out of your control and in God’s merciful hands.
3. You Make Promises To God
The tsunami that was unleashed from the depths of your stomach has created a giant void. The void is monstrous and is still convulsing and shivering. All you want is for God to help get you out of this alive. You can’t think of anything else other than never, ever drinking another drop of alcohol or eating cheese curds again.
You are promising God everything and anything. You will join the priesthood. Volunteer 40 hours a week at the soup kitchen. Crawl on your hands and knees on shards of glass to Bethlehem. Name your 1st born ‘God’. Whatever it is—you are ready and willing.
And then the 2nd tsunami hits with more force than the 1st one.
2. You See God
As you are laying in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, your body half curled around the toilet. The stall door opens and a bright light appears. You blink a couple times. You start hearing music building up into a loud crescendo. All the angels and saints are singing! You hear a deep voice say, “Rise to your feet! Stand up!”
Holy sh*t! You immediately feel a surge of energy and rise to your feet! You feel a slap on the back, “Puke and rally! Go forth!”
1. You Become God
You walk out of that bathroom feeling victorious! You now know what Gandhi felt like after his 40 day hunger strike. “I can conquer anything!!” You strut up to the bar and start spewing quotes from the best movie of all-time, Ghostbusters, “Are you a God?”…”If someone asks if you’re a God…you say YES!” You confidently ask the bartender for another rum & Coke.
The bartender eyes you up and down. He slides you a glass of water. “So, buddy, I heard you calling yourself God….I think it’s time you switched to water. You’re looking a little rough. The good part is though…if you really are God…you should be able to turn this glass of unfiltered tap water into wine.”