Variety is the spice of life. As humans, we enjoy new adventures, from dining out at different restaurants to traveling the world. But when it comes to what happens in the bedroom, most people in committed relationships find that over time things can become a bit stale. As a result, many people find themselves drawn to the non-exclusive lifestyle. It provides a venue for new, intimate experiences in a way that still allows one to respect their significant other.
However, most men don’t know where to start in terms of initiating the topic with their ladies. They are scared of voicing their desires because they don’t know how their partner will react. Or, they’ve brought up the topic in theory, but don’t know how to move from talk to reality.
Well, rest easy. We have done the hard work for you – we combed through the available information out there to come up with this comprehensive list of ways to communicate this to your girl.
Included here are strategies you can use to ease your woman into the whole idea. Some of you may find that using just one of these techniques will do the job. However, we recommend using a multi-tiered approach for the ultimate chance of success.
How do you bring something up that is a touchy subject? By hinting, of course. Just make sure that you are subtle about it. If you hint too much, she’ll know that you’re fishing for something, and you’ll look like a fool. Hints are best done when there is a natural centre for the subject. Let your girl’s response to that give you cues. If she seems interested, then leave the door open for the future. Remark in an off-handed way that maybe someday you two will explore that avenue. If she’s interested, she will likely bring it up again. If she’s the shy type, then you will have to hint a little more. The key is to be persistent, but gentle. And remember that light humor can always break the ice.
14. Watch a Movie
It’s hard to wrap your head around a non-exclusive lifestyle if you’ve never done it. So the next best thing is to watch a movie about it. Choose a movie that portrays swinging in a positive light. Stay away from Eyes Wide Shut because, while it’s scintillating, it’s also dark and confusing and over the top. You’d also be wise to stay away from Hall Pass. It shows the hilarity, but it’s also a cautionary tale that she might take to heart. It’s up to you choose what film(s) would pique her interest. The Overnight with Taylor Schilling may be a good option for you. It’s a black comedy about a two couples that engage in this type of lifestyle, and the ups and downs they undergo in an evening. It’s awkward but endearing, and may be a good place to start because it will certainly generate conversation.
13. Let Her Guide You
If you want your girl to be comfortable with the experience, then give her the power. You don’t want her to feel forced into doing anything. That’s never the way to go in any relationship, and she’ll just end up resenting you. So, in discussing the possibility of being non-exclusive, let her guide you. Give her the freedom to voice where she’d like to start, what she wants to do, and who she wants to include. You are taking on the responsibility of broaching the topic, but let her carry the conversation.
Most men are afraid that their girl will say “no.” If she does, then that’s all right. You can ask her what her hesitations are, which will give you a chance to address them. So before you start talking, make a list of what her objections might be and decide how you will proceed. She might say that she is embarrassed, so think of ways to ease her mind. She might say that she is afraid you will become emotionally attached, so brainstorm ways to communicate to her that she will be your priority. She might say that she is concerned you will get jealous of her with another man, so think of ways to safeguard that from happening.
12. Watch Adult Movies
We mentioned that you should watch movies that depict wife swapping, so please don’t forget about viewing the adult movies, too. They will balance out the whitewashed Hollywood depiction of swinging. It’s worth viewing the graphic stuff, because it will drive home what you two will be doing – more or less. You will both need to see if you are comfortable with what’s going on. Are you alright with seeing her walk off with another man? Will she decide that she wants to swap, but only if she can be in the room during your coupling? Would you both prefer that it be a menage-a-trois at first, and then possibly take the next step?
11. Pick Someone’s Brain
Going out for dinner and drinks with another couple that has been in the swinging lifestyle is a smart way for you to have your girl’s fears allayed. She will have the opportunity to pick someone’s brain that has been through it. The couple you learn from can give her a run-down of what to expect and what their experiences have been like. Your girl can also ask questions. And you will be seated right there next to her, showing her that you are dedicated to making sure she is comfortable with the whole thing. Just make sure that everyone knows that the purpose of the meeting is just for a talk. You don’t want her thinking that you are tricking her in any way.
10. Go To A Party
Some couples swing with friends or acquaintances and some swap with others they have chance encounters with. Many also belong to larger swinging groups that have “mixers.” This may be your best bet to see what the world of swinging is like. The social groups welcome newbies, and it’s permissible (and encouraged) for them to come and mingle at parties in order to see what the lifestyle is like. This may be one of your best bets if you wish to get your lady on board. It will give her a glimpse into the world, but in an innocuous way. She will get to see the sights, without having to make a commitment. Hopefully, you will get to meet some friendly faces. If you are really lucky, you may make a connection. Plus, it will send the message to your love that you are doing this in a responsible way, and that you take your relationship seriously. Oh, and a glass of wine while at the party can help ease things tremendously.
9. Start Slow
You should always try new things slowly. You wouldn’t jump off the high dive when learning to swim, so it follows that you wouldn’t go all hardcore when swinging at first, either. Whether you’ve been with your girl for months or years, it’s going to be strange for both of you to be with another. So instead of going full throttle, try to swap slowly. Start with a brief back massage or harmless kiss. Ruminate on that experience for a while before you two explore anything further. After that, you can always move onto heavy petting. Again, take a breather for a while before you go all in. Yes, there’s a risk she will be scared off. But wouldn’t you rather she come to that conclusion sooner rather than later? Beside, there’s also just as good of a chance that her appetite for a different flavor will be whetted.
8. Confide Social Details
If you have friends that have enjoyed swinging successfully, then by all means let your girl know that (as long as you have your friend’s permission). It’s going to be helpful for her to hear that other people are interested in this experience, so that she doesn’t think you are being too taboo. It will help tremendously if the stories you share with her are from someone she respects. Also, feel free to include cautionary tales from your friend. If you include all of the good and none of the bad, then the whole idea is going to sound too good to be true. If your friend mentioned that he wished he had communicated with couples beforehand online, then be forthcoming with that information. You can avoid pitfalls that way.
If you want your lady to take you seriously, then you have to take swinging seriously. It’s not like trying sushi for the first time – you don’t just cram the raw fish down your throat in one big bite and hope for the best. You need to research the ins and outs so that you know what you’re getting yourself into. You should by all means have your girl investigate the topic with you, even if it means sitting side by side together at the computer, or reading a book on the matter and discussing it. Yes, this all sounds a little clinical, but that’s the beauty of it. By doing research with your partner you will be communicating that you are not taking things lightly – and that you are partners in this whole thing together. There’s a lot to learn, including etiquette, the different types of swinging, and the psychological aspects.
6. Role Play
A savvy person will realize that role playing will open the door for swapping. Part of the allure of swinging is that you are experiencing someone new, and with that someone comes new sensations. Some of that can be accomplished through role playing with your current partner. You can assume alternate identities in the bedroom through using accents, costumes or going on vacation. Once you are comfortable with shaking things up, then you can move onto the real deal. One way to pitch this to your lady is to see if she enjoys role playing with you, then suggest that you two move from fantasy to reality and explore other partners. Or, if she is on board with swapping in theory, you can take on the role of another man when it is just the two of you so that she can become more comfortable with the idea.
5. Let Her Know You Don’t Have All The Answers
It would be foolish of you to tell your lady that you know exactly how a swap will go down, because the fact is that no one can predict the future, and you’re likely just setting yourself up for a disaster. If you are honest with her that you don’t have all the answers and you are as new to this as she is, she will actually feel more comfortable with your proposal because you won’t be overselling things. The key is to understand that the “not knowing” part is actually important, because it adds some sugar and spice to the thrill.
4. Talk Directly
Talking to your girl about your desires is the most direct route to fulfilling them. If you can’t communicate openly with your lady, then it’s safe to say that your relationship isn’t ready to include swinging. But how do you broach the subject? And once you have, what do you say? The long and the short of it is that you need to tell her why you would like to have the swapping experience, and why you think it would be beneficial for both of you. The key is to remember to discuss her desires as well, and to understand why swinging would be something she would want to experience. If it’s all about what you want or need, then you’re going to be on thin ice.
If you would like to try swinging because you think the two of you could use a little variety, then tell her that. If you want to swap because you know she has the hots for someone else, then let her know that you are open to it. If you’re simply curious or have always wanted to try swinging, then be sure to bring it up. Just remember to let her talk as well. And be prepared for what she might say.
3. Ask Her What She Desires
Obviously when you bring up swinging to your lady you will tell her why you think it will be a beneficial experience for the two of you, and also why you in particular are interested in having it. But be sure that during your conversation with her about your intimacy, that you ask her what things she desires. By doing this you will accomplish a few things.
One is that you will show her that you respect her feelings and desires. Another is that you will shift the focus from what you brought up – so that she doesn’t get the impression that this is all about you wanting to hook up with other girls. Finally, it will establish a mutually beneficial relationship. In other words, she will see that if she does something for you, then you will do something for her. The exchange shouldn’t be mercenary at all, but if she understands that you are willing to engage in a practice that she wants, then she will take your suggestions to heart.
2. Make A Case That It Can Help Relationships
In order for your woman to be on board with partner swapping, there needs to be a reason for the swapping to begin with – and it needs to be more than just you getting to have a fantasy fulfilled for her to commit. You need to ask yourself, what’s in it for her? How will being non-exclusive be helpful to our relationship? Why is this sex act something that must happen for us? Only you can answer those questions.
The concept will be more palatable to your partner if it is part of a bigger picture for you two. For example, it may be helpful for your relationship because by engaging in this lifestyle together you two will communicate to one another that you are committed to meeting one another’s needs in all spheres of life. Or, it may be healthy for you two because you want to experience variety together in a meaningful, thought out way – as opposed to giving one another a “free ticket” to pursue sexual desires alone.
1. Discuss Ground Rules
The biggest reason couples are leery of swinging is because of the insecurity and jealousy that it brings up. If these are problems in your relationship to begin with, then swinging probably isn’t for you. However, if you have a stable relationship then it only makes sense to incorporate ways to keep it that way. Ask your girl what boundaries she wants to set up, then be agreeable to them on the condition that if you go forward they will naturally evolve in time. Some ground rules that couples set include that only certain acts will be permitted with different partners, that couples will leave a swinging party together, and that they will confer with their loved one before taking up with a new partner.