As people, we strive to be attractive at all times. We suck in our stomachs, we iron our clothes and we try to compliment others. We avoid things that are considered unattractive, like smoking, bragging and the mullet. Trying to be attractive consumes our days and our nights. We have to look good at work for the boss. We have to be hot at the bar. And we have to make sure our Facebook and Instagram pics are immaculate.
But after all that effort, most people do very unattractive things and they don’t even realize it! They’ll work out every day at the gym, but forget to brush their teeth. They’ll say “please” and “thank you”, but will use the f-bomb like a sailor on shore leave. They’ll go out to a fancy restaurant and eat with their hands, tip the waitress poorly and clog the restroom toilet – and they won’t understand why they didn’t get a second date.
So, this list is dedicated to ranking the top 15 very unattractive things you don’t realize you’ve been doing. And let us tell you, there are some doozies! Think of this list as a public service announcement. No one else is going to say these things to your face – not your girlfriend, not your BFF, and not even your mother.
15. Walking while texting
Walking while texting is about as dumb as wearing sunglasses at night or getting a Chinese symbol as a tattoo. Not only is it classified as “distracted walking” which leads to lot of bump-ins, you look totally dumb. The next time you see someone glued to their phone, take a good look at their posture – because it’ll be like looking in a living mirror. They’ll have their head down, shoulders slumped, and be mouth breathing. This person is basically homo sapien’s long lost cousin, Neanderthal. Except even a Neanderthal knows to watch where he’s going. A Neanderthal probably also knows how to use all his fingers, and wouldn’t be standing there texting with his thumbs like a monkey, the lowest of all the primates. When you text and walk, you are telling the world that you are a chimp and a chump. Oo-oo, ah-ah!
14. Walking around wearing earbuds
Earbuds are totally unattractive. Don’t believe us? Take a close look at someone wearing them. Earbuds are basically two sprockets coming out of your head a la Frankenstein. You might think you look stylish, but everyone else is laughing behind your back. You might as well complete the look with a tight-fitting sports jacket and clunky platform shoes!
But there’s another, more important, reason why earbuds make you unattractive. By walking around with them on, you are basically telling the world that you are boring. It’s as if you can’t be left alone with your thoughts for too long or you’ll fall asleep – so you need to be constantly entertained. If you can’t stand your own company, how can anyone else? And don’t try to say that you simply have to hear your jams. We can see you lip syncing!
13. Quoting TV ad nauseam
So, you speak fluent Simpsons. BFD. We can do it, too! Look: “It takes two to lie: one to lie, and one to listen;” “I must get back to my comic book store where I dispense the insults, rather than absorb them;” “Release the robotic Richard Simmons!” It’s not that hard. It’s fine to say “D’oh!” now and then, but you make yourself very unattractive when you can’t stop quoting TV and movie lines. You are telling the world that you aren’t witty enough to think up your own jokes. And when you say the same lines over and over again, you are going a step forward and revealing that you are too lazy to plagiarize some new material. This will backfire on you, because it’s only a matter of time when your audience will realize that all you do is rip off Family Guy and South Park. So take a whack at coming up with some of your own jokes. Like, what do an overly tanned girl and a box of neapolitan ice cream have in common? They are both brown on the outside and pink in the middle. That’s a Victoria Clark original, which is a good dirty joke if you think about it.
12. Eating in public
Eating is a disgusting act. Unless you are practicing to get a role in a food p*rn movie, don’t do it in public. No one wants to see you suck jelly out of a donut. No one wants to hear you sucking Doritos cheese off of your fingers. No one wants to watch you chew an egg roll dripping in duck sauce. And for God’s sake – stop it with the gum.
Seeing someone stuff their pie hole is unnatural. It’s loud and it’s smelly, and it makes others lose their appetite. The worst part is, you don’t even know you’re doing it. But think of it this way: a person that has a crying baby barely notices how obnoxious it sounds, whereas everyone else within ear shot wants to shake that baby until it stops crying. Well, the same analogy applies to your binge-eating. Others think your eating is as gross as watching a lion dig into a hyena. And the more unhealthy the food, the more disgusted people get with you. Seeing someone chomping on an apple isn’t nearly as vomit-inducing as someone digging into a box of Twinkies.
11. Wearing baggy clothes
Anyone that has a few extra pounds tries to hide it beneath baggy clothes. But that never fools anyone. You still noticed that Alyson Hannigan was pregnant on How I Met Your Mother, didn’t you? And you can still pick out the later episodes from The King of Queens, because that’s when Leah Remini gained weight and tried to hide behind tunics. The baggy clothing doesn’t do anything for anyone. All it does is add bulk and makes you look shorter, wider and fatter. Just look at those old episode of MTV’s Total Request Live when Carson Daly wore baggy jeans and jackets. So do yourself a favor, and dress smarter. Wear something that is a little more form fitting, because it’ll give you shape. Either that, or lose a little weight.
10. Rockin’ a cool hairstyle
The metrosexual has been overtaken by the hipster. So bye-bye eyebrow waxing, so long gym-laundry-tanning, ciao blinged out watches. There’s a new guy in town, and he’s saying howdy to beards, embracing flannel and sporting vintage shoes. This new kid on the block, the hipster, also likes to style his hair – although he’ll never admit it to. He likes to wear the “man bun” which (most) girls find repugnant. When you do this, you basically look like a retired European soccer pro with a drinking problem. You might as well wear cleats to complete the look. Buns are for girls, dude! Then there’s the “James Dean” which is fine if you’re a rebel without a cause – but as a hipster you have plenty of causes, from save the whales to save the ta-tas. So stop being such a poser and eat some meat already. Finally, there’s the messy bed head. It’s always hardest to create a natural look, so many guys literally wake up early to style their hair in order to get that “just got out of bed” look.
Girls are just as guilty of this, too. Wearing the Farrah Fawcett waves just makes them look like they’re trying too hard. Sporting a sparkly headband gives the appearance that they’re trying to distract men from their butterfaces. And hair that has been flat-ironed to hell and back just makes guys think the girl is high maintenance. What will she do if it rains? They don’t want to be around to find out.
9. Scrimping on hygiene
We all cut corners in the hygiene department. Why shower when you can just keep people at arm’s length? Why wash your hands if you aren’t going to be handling food? Why clean your ears with a Q-tip when they’re just going to get dirty again? The problem lies with repeated neglect of hygiene. Dirt creeps up on a person, and before you know it, you’re covered in blackheads. It might start as one or two at first, but if you don’t stop them in their tracks, they’ll take over your body. Your nose will have more black spots on it than a seeded watermelon. Your neck will have more blackened pot holes than the Long Island Expressway. Your chest will have more black bumps on it than a dog’s tongue. Woof! And once blackheads are there – they are there to stay. Trying to extract them just leaves you with a bunch of holes in your face, and everyone will be waiting for a whack-a-mole to pop up.
So, it’s best to think of your face as a slice of pizza. You know how you dab the grease off a slice of pizza with a napkin? Well, you should be doing the same thing with your face. And some exfoliation and salicylic acid can’t hurt, either. Think of those as toppings like mushrooms and pepperoni. Now you’re on the trolley!
8. Drinking too much coffee
Do you know what message you’re sending the world when you drink cup after cup of coffee? You’re telling everyone that you are an addict. But not the funny kind of addict like James Franco in Pineapple Express. And not the smart kind of addict like Bradley Cooper in Limitless. And definitely not the powerful druglord Al Pacino played in Scarface. You are telling all the potential ladies in your life that you are a little wimp. You need caffeine to get through the day.
And by the way, you are also broadcasting to everyone that you are emptying your pockets at Starbucks. No girl wants a guy that’s broke – especially one with coffee breath. Either go cold turkey with the coffee or man up and drink some cervesa.
If you smile a lot, you might be turning people off. But how can that be? Isn’t a smile the best thing you can wear? As it turns out, this isn’t always the case. If you have baked bean teeth, banana yellow teeth, or are missing a bunch of teeth, you are probably making yourself more unattractive. And if you are one of those crazies that insists on whitening their teeth religiously, then your smile looks toilet bowl white and you are just reminding everyone of the crapper – not attractive. And let’s not forget those people with the gummy smiles. Yuck, yuck and double yuck! Yikes. If you want to be considered more attractive, try a friendly wave, a cute salute or give a thumbs-up as a greeting. It’s cheaper than orthodontic work, and a lot less painful.
6. Talking about yourself too much
Most people think that they will win friends if they make themselves seem more interesting. They will strain to tell all their best stories, from the time they met Angelina Jolie to the time they went scuba diving. The trouble is that this sort of thinking is totally backwards. People find you more attractive when you take an interest in them – not by making yourself more interesting. If you start most of your conversations with the word “I”, then you are basically guiltier than Casey Anthony, Bill Cosby and O.J. Simpson combined. And you will be as hated, too. So start taking an interest in other people – fake it, if you have to.
Here’s an example, “So, Phyllis, how was your appointment at the podiatrist? Is your bunion all better?” And here’s another one: “Hi John. How was your sister’s college roommate’s cousin’s baby shower?” You will be judged more attractive in no time. Just be advised that being nice is really exhausting. To be hated, you don’t have to do much of anything.
5. Making bad fashion choices
Many people are good looking enough, but make themselves unattractive by the way they dress. Are you wearing a golf shirt to work? We hope not, because you don’t work on the links – you work in a cubical. Are you wearing wraparound sunglasses? Those went out of style years ago. So pick yourself up some Wayfarers or deal with the sun being in your eyes. You can pack those wraparounds away with your No Fear T-shirts, your Co-Ed Naked T-shirts and your Absolut T-shirts. And while we’re at it, you’d better pack away those Ed Hardy T-shirts, too. Those were always awful, so thank God they’re out of style. And if you are wearing those boot shoes that have heels, stop trying to get that extra inch and deal with being short. Those things took a nosedive after Ted Cruz was spotted in them. You don’t want anything that guy is into.
And girls, this applies to you as well. Stop wearing those spiky heels. You aren’t Victoria Beckham, nor are you any other member of the Spice Girls. You are towering over your male counterparts, and you can’t walk in them, anyway. Finally, retire your skinny jeans. Unless you are 100 pounds, you can’t pull them off. Fellas, you also have no business wearing skinny jeans. The only thing they will do for you is lower your sperm count. Skinny jeans are basically a birth control pill for men. So if you want to avoid knocking your girl up, then we highly recommend them. If this method catches on, then skinny jeans may someday be covered by your insurance plan. Yes!
4. Failing to keep up with your body hair
The natural look is in, so guys mistakenly think that man-scaping is out. As a result, they run around looking like Teen Wolf with their long hair, beards and overgrown chest hair. Here’s a hint: the original Teen Wolves – Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman – ditched that look in the 80s, and you should, too. So cut your hair and trim the curlicues on your chest. And for goodness sake, keep that beard in check. While you’re at it, you can tweeze your ear hair, shave your knuckles and wax your shoulders. If the Teen Wolf look is out, so is the cave man.
And girls, just like Britney Spears, you’re not that innocent. Remember to get rid of the peach fuzz on your face and tweeze the hairs on your chin.
3. Being oblivious to your smell
People might be finding you unattractive due to your smell. But we’re not talking about B.O. – that’s a no-brainer. It’s very possible that your cologne is turning people off. The problem when girls wear cologne is that they spray on what they like to smell – but they aren’t the ones who have to smell it, are they? After all, most people are nose blind to their own scent. And girls choose scents that turns guys off. For example, girls like fruity scents. But when was the last time you saw a guy eating a piece of fruit? Girls also like floral scents. Well, guys smell floral and think “funeral” which is why they never buy you flowers. So, if a girl wants to attract a guy, she needs to spray on something men like.
The same reasoning goes for guys. Cease and desist with the noxious fumes you’ve been spraying on that smell like jet fuel. If anything, men are the ones that should be dousing themselves in fruity/floral scents because that’s what girls favor.
2. Being negative
One of the most unattractive things you can do, bar none, is to be negative. Your comments can be funny at first, and even charming. But over time, if you are a constant complainer, people will get sick of the black cloud you bring with you. It’s a sociological fact that when people dislike a certain person, they perceive this person to be unattractive. So, you might have the rugged good looks of Tom Hardy, but if you are always badmouthing the Mets then soon people will start to see you as resembling Tom Green in the face. If you have the classic good looks of George Clooney, but are always badmouthing your co-workers, people will start to think you’re about as attractive as George Costanza.
1. Exhibiting weird tics
Unless you have Tourette’s Syndrome, there is no reason you should be making any tics. Yet, people do it constantly. They hum Rod Stewart songs, they crack their knuckles on the half hour, and they sniff their armpits to make sure their deodorant is working (riiiiight). If you have any habits, tendencies or inclinations, odds are that people find them annoying, distracting and unattractive. So try to take an inventory of what you do unconsciously, and determine if it’s a deal-breaker. Then, find a replacement behavior. If you always pull your socks up, invest in some sock garters. It’ll be your little secret. Then you can spend all that extra time clicking your pen and pecking on your iPhone. If you always stifle your yawns, just let them out and be done with it. Your replacement behavior can be going to bed 15 minutes earlier. And if you compulsively pat your pockets to make sure your keys haven’t run away, then instead try passing out crisp dollar bills to people. Nothing is more attractive than money, and people will start thinking you’re a perfect ten in no time.