Remember when Katy Perry went on Sesame Street and everyone got upset that she showed too much cleavage? It never really made much sense to me. Breasts are a perfectly normal and wholesome part of the anatomy. They’re fleshy, friendly, and enjoyable (except for when they turn on their owners, Pink Ribbon style). It’s amazing that we as a nation would be furious against Katy Perry for bringing hers to a kids show (many of whose watchers probably still used them for nourishment, might I add), but that we would be totally cool with preventing shootings by bringing even more guns into an elementary school.
But this isn’t about political correctness or gun control. It’s about what, in a very broad sense, Russell Brand thought when Katy Perry was his girlfriend. She, more than probably any other celebrity today (except for Kate Upton — what is it with Kates and large breasts? Kate Hudson notwithstanding) is known for her ample bosom. She even winkingly acknowledges it in her song “Birthday” when she says she wants to let out the big, big, BIG balloons.
If you’re curious, keep on reading, and find out the 15 thoughts that every man has when dating a top heavy woman.
15. I Am So Lucky
Even though these are the so-called “days of booty”, large breasts have an undeniable timelessness that a big booty simply does not. In traditional sex appeal, a tight, lean booty was considered sexy, with large breasts desirable as well. Note that the celebrities these days who have big bouncin’ butts don’t conversely have flat chests. Kim Kardashian has large breasts, and so too do Nicki Minaj and Beyonce. So any man dating a girl with a chest like one of the aforementioned celebs couldn’t help himself but to think: “Goddamn! I’m a lucky man!”
14. She Looks Good In Everything
Although many of the models (ideals of a beautiful women) you see on runways are rather flat chested, this is because of a tendency towards androgyny in the fashion industry. They are supposed to seem more frosty, cool, and unapproachable than dripping with sex appeal. Note that the models who emerge are true, blue sex symbols are usually the Victoria’s Secret Angels, who have impossible, Mattel-like measurements to their chests. They might not look “cool” in everything, but they look “sexy as hell” in everything. And even though your average woman isn’t a Victoria’s Secret Angel, a large chest helps her achieve that sartorial “she can simply do no wrong!!!”
13. Take ‘Em Out!
The myth of men thinking about sex every seven seconds might have been dismantled, but that doesn’t men they don’t think about it often. They’re especially likely to think about it if they have a tantalizing chest swinging in front of their eyes, held in place by just a thin piece of cloth. OK, this isn’t to say that they want women to just pull their boobs out in a crowded restaurant, but if they’re eating an intimate dinner at home and there’s no one around, you can bet that they’d be totally cool with the woman whipping her shirt off, freeing her twins to the breeze (of their excited panting).
12. Cover ‘Em Up!
As a man, you know the bewitching power that a bountiful bosom can have. If the bosom-holder happens to be your girlfriend, you don’t particularly want every single dude you pass to be like: “I WILL HEED YOUR EVERY COMMAND”. You find her positively charming, but you’re cool with her being invisible to literally everyone else. But since these aren’t the dark ages, you can’t expect your gf to stay covered up just because it makes you jealous. That being said you can, and WILL, think it. Maybe if you’re really neanderthalic you will try to get her to bend to your will, but that’s your business and not ours.
11. Did They Just Get Bigger?
One night, your girlfriend’s boobs might seem big as usual, and then the next night it’s like they got bigger, well, overnight. If you’ve had that thought, it’s probably not just wishful thinking. Some girls’ boobs get bigger when they menstruate. I’m not sure why exactly, but I know it isn’t just an illusion. They become, for lack of a better word, engorged, like your biceps when you do a lot of curls in a row. And, just like your biceps after you work ’em out hard, that makes them look really good heh heh heh.
10. Will They Suffer With Age?
Unfortunately, big breasts aren’t made with part helium, making them vulnerable to the effects of gravity. A dense and concentrated weight will inevitably take its toll on the “net” holding it in place, in this case the skin. A man dating a large-chested woman will wonder if her breasts will fall as she ages, as her skin slackens, and as evermore incessant pressure is put on the skin and tissue that holds them in place. Hopefully, this unfortunate eventuality will not deter him from entering into the relationship with her in the first place, the adage that “all good things come to an end” not being an excuse to never begin things in the first place.
9. I Want To Motorboat Them
Moving away from grimmer topics, let’s admit that any man who has a girlfriend with large breasts inevitably thinks to himself that he’d like to motorboat them. For those of you who haven’t seen Wedding Crashers, motorboating is when a person puts his (or her) face between two breasts and shakes his (or her) head vigorously while making the sound of a revving engine. This is supposed to create an engulfing breast-enjoyment-experience that activates all 5 senses (it would be sort of like the man version of a woman wanting to nestle into her man’s armpit when he’s all showered and Old-Spiced up).
8. It Must Hurt To Run
You know how you stiffen your arms when you run to minimize energy-consumption and so that their flailing doesn’t yank at your sockets? Well imagine how hard that would be with breasts that, even held in place by the stubbornest sports bra, still refused to remain stationary. Your arms at least you can just bend and keep “tucked away”, but your boobs are their own things, with their own, near-independent physics, dancing freely before you during your rhythmic run. Unless you have moobs and can totally sympathize (in which case you’re probably not doing much running to begin with), you’ve probably thought that it tugs at your poor gf’s chest when she tries to take a jog.
7. They Must Obstruct Her Breathing At Night
I once heard a story about a woman who got breast reduction because her boobs were so big that they would crush her lungs when she rolled over in the night. I don’t know if this is one of those stories, like the guy who got worms from sleeping with corpses, that every single person has heard, or if it’s something that never got outside the limits of my high school campus, but if it is, it’s probably something that most guys think of when dating girls with large breasts. If he wakes up at night and hears her snoring, he’s probably like: “Is it run-of-the-mill snoring or is she gasping for breath???” Try waking her up. Having your head chewed off for waking her up might be worth the possibility that you’re SAVING HER DAMN LIFE.
6. Are They Real?
In adult films, you can easily tell when breasts aren’t real. The woman will be on her back and her breasts weirdly won’t move, or the organic part will “wash over” the firm, stationary, silicone part. But those are cartoonish adult entertainment boobs. Most women who get breast implants don’t get them THAT big. They get them just at the cusp of ample and excessive, leaving just enough space for a person, usually her boyfriend, to wonder if maybe she chose them out of a look book. The thing is, there are women who have breasts that are that size naturally. So which will it be? Will you man up and ask her, flat (no pun intended) out? Or will you pull a Seinfeld and gossip about it with all your friends?
5. Her Bra Is The Size of My Head
Girls with big breasts need to wear big bras. Can’t be squeezing a giant boobie into a tiny little cup. But at a certain point, large breasts take on “head-like” dimensions, bras beginning to look more like kippas or baseball caps than demure little frilly undergarments meant to protect your modesty. Girls with chests like Selena Gomez, for instance, can wear delicate bras whose only purpose is to block the nipples from showing through the shirt, but when your breasts get really big, your bras take on a heavier-duty, almost outwear-esque quality that makes them seem more like headwear.
4. They Look Like A Butt
Many of you guys have probably seen that prank video where someone on chatroulette comes across a gorgeous, appealing cleavage. After he and the mysterious rack have chatted for a little while, it is revealed that it’s actually just some high school boy holding his butt up to the camera. Despite this admittedly hilarious prank, it’s hard to deny that big breasts, especially when they’re pushed together in a tight dress and a bra, don’t look kinda like two big butt cheeks. Maybe not yours, ya hairy bastard, but a smooth butt and a lady’s chest do have more than a little in common.
3. She Could Flatten A Beer Can
I had this teacher in high school, an old fat lady with gigantic breasts. She was super short, like 4’11”, and when she’d sit at her desk, she’d rest her bosom upon it. It wasn’t such a conscious thing, and perhaps it only that the desk literally started right at the bottom of her boobs, but it really gave the illusion of her using it as a resting place. Either way, I always wondered what would happen if I were to, at the last minute, toss a can under her oncoming boob. If it were steadied, would she flatten it? You have to press pretty hard for a can to be crushed against your forehead (they are made for stacking, after all…), but her boobs were PRETTY big, leading me to believe that if she could not flatten it to a perfect disk, she could at least do some dangerous structural damage to the vessel.
2. How Much Does Each Weigh?
Men like to know dimensions. They want to know how many inches their “TV’s” are. They want to know how many square feet their houses measure. They want to know what the horsepower of their car is. So it is quite natural for a man to look at his girlfriend’s giant breast (one that could SO EASILY be rested upon a food scale) and wonder how much it weighs in pounds and ounces. “Is that like four pounds or like ten pounds?” You can try guessing with your own hand, but then the support it receives from being pressed against her chest sort of falsifies the results. The only way to really find out would be to ask the Doctor, but try to convince your gf to do that without her feeling objectified.
1. “She Will Nourish My Children”
My own personal Bro Science tells me that men like large breasts because they indicate the ability to feed children (similarly, women like tall men because they appear better equipped for survival/ protection). Although this assumption might leave Charles Darwin spinning like a Dervish in his grave (“It’s socialization!!!!” his ghost screams, unheard to anyone but sprites), it seems like a fine enough conclusion to me.