Every person has the same dream for a summer vacation – hitting the beach. It can be a tiny marina or the French Riviera, but it makes no difference as long as there’s sun, sand and water. The beach has something for everyone. It’s a place for an over-worked businessman to unwind. It’s a place for a frat boy to party with his bros. It’s a place for a dad to bond with his kids. But no matter why a guy is spending time at the beach, some of the same thoughts fill his mind. Some are ordinary, like wondering if he applied enough sunblock. Some are funny, like wondering if his board shorts will hide things if he gets a little too excited while looking at the ladies. And some thoughts are downright dumb, like “Where did I park my car?”.
There are a ton of thoughts guys have at the beach that they never have in everyday life. The workaday world is boring, and it’s typical to have the same thoughts over and over again. But the beach stimulates a guy’s mind – for better or worse. He’s more apt to think about doing the deed, that’s for sure. He’s more likely to want to seek out adventure on land or on sea. And, knowing the typical guy, he’ll probably find himself in a strange situation or two.
This list details the top 15 thoughts guys have when they’re at the beach. From the mild to the wild to the insane, we have it all for you right here.
15. How much saltwater can I drink before going insane?
If there’s one thing that guys love, it’s a stupid dare! YouTube is filled with morons doing the stupidest stuff – letting a Roman Candle go off between their butt cheeks, pulling out a rotten tooth with pliers in a DIY gone mad, and jumping off two story houses into shallow pools. And shows like Tosh.O and Ridiculousness have had ungodly success featuring the foolhardy. But who has access to fireworks? Who has a tooth in need of pulling? Who’s lucky enough to be invited to a pool party where all your friends are egging you on to jump?! Well, here’s an easy dare for you: see how much saltwater you can drink before going insane. It’ll be a cheap thrill, because it’s free and there is plenty to go around. And if you get sick, the beach has plenty of medical personnel on hand to deal with emergencies.
Just know when to say when – like with alcohol. Drink just enough so that you’re confabulating about playing pinochle and seeing ostriches mate with seagulls. You should stop when you start eating sea glass. It’s best to have a D.D. on hand – not “designated driver” but “designated drinker.” He’s the guy that will only be drinking distilled water and can stop things from getting really wild. The best time of day to play this game is when the sun is at its highest – that will accelerate dehydration. Listen, folks, do not try this trick. Do not drink saltwater. Not one sip. In fact, don’t even go to the beach at all. There. Now we are covered from lawsuits.
14. Are her ta-tas real?
If there’s one game more fun than playing the a**-grab game at a club, it’s guessing if a girl’s ta-tas are real. The beach is the perfect place to play because you see just enough to form an opinion, but not enough to know for sure without a feel or illegally reading a girl’s protected health information. Guys will spend entire afternoons postulating about every girl that walks by. The banter is fun in and of itself.
So what’s the best way to tell if her ta-tas are real? First, you need to take into account the locale of the beach. If you are in southern California or Miami, the odds are likely that she’s been enhanced. If you are on the south shore of Long Island, they might be real as the girl probably just takes after her bosomy Italian grandmother. And if you are with the unwashed masses at Myrtle Beach or Ocean City, you can be sure that chest is real. No mommy with three whiny little kids in tote has time or money to get her boobs done.
Next, you need to get a good look at the bikini top she’s wearing. Fake breasts are very heavy, so they need extra support. A string bikini won’t provide enough, so silicone girls will be wearing tops with wide straps. Finally, get a good look at her body. If she’s all boobs on a stick then she’s not natural. Contrary to what the media has you believe, thin girls don’t have enormous racks.
13. Will I find buried treasure?
Have you ever noticed that when girls go to the beach they lie like seals in the sun, whereas guys busy themselves digging in the sand? Guys tell themselves that they’re going to dig an epic hole to China, or a massive systems of underground tunnels – but that’s all for show. What they’re really thinking is, “I hope I find some buried treasure!” It’s estimated that there are billions of dollars’ worth of booty on the ocean floor from sunken ships, and guys are happy to play into the fantasy that they’ll be lucky enough to stumble across some. Guys dig and dig, and hope to find gold coins, ruby rings, and diamond tiaras. Of course, they’ll be lucky to find some bottle caps. The only things that get buried at the beach are old beer cans and tied off condoms. Still, guys hold out hope with each trip. And for some reason they don’t get discouraged when they come up empty-handed. It just provides them with an excuse to buy a metal detector.
12. Where are all the hotties?
Men go to the beach and are looking for action. It’s the one place where you can pick up a bona fide cutie in broad daylight. In preparation, guys cut the carbs, hit the UV lamps for a good base tan, and pump some iron right before they leave the house. Then, they hit the beach and start to cruise. After only five minutes, they usually come to the realization that there aren’t any hotties on the beach. There are girls – plenty of girls – but none of them are hot. And with more women in the work place, there aren’t a bevy of bathing beauties around because the hotties are stuck at work.
Guys will then conclude that girls look a heck of a lot hotter when they have their clothing on. It’s why nudist colonies never caught on. People have ugly bodies. The thinnest of the thin can look like she has a muffin top when bikini bottoms cut into her side. A perky bust can look sloppy covered in sweat on a hot day. And sunburn isn’t a look that anyone can rock.
11. Am I fat?
Girls are usually the only ones that ask if they’re fat. But put a guy in swim trunks on the shore, and suddenly he starts to wonder if he’s fat. He’ll take a look at his sides and ask if men can have muffin tops. He’ll feel for a double chin and be horrified when he comes across some excess skin. The worst part is that he knows that he can’t do anything about his problem areas then and there – so his only resort will be to put his T-shirt back on.
Then, guys will spend the rest of the day at the beach in misery. They’ll regret eating all those nachos, not ordering the light beer, and skipping the gym in favor of watching that Dr. Who marathon. It’d be comical, if only they’d have the presence of mind to realize that this is how girls feel all the time.
10. Is there a clothing optional section of the beach?
What’s hotter than some tanned ladies running around in their bikinis in the surf? Watching a bunch of nude ladies running around in their bikinis! Every guy loves to ogle the girls at the beach in their two-pieces. But at some point he gets bored, and wants to know what’s underneath the triangle tops and bottoms. So, he starts sniffing around for clothing optional sections. Some beaches have distinct areas for every sort of beach recreation. There are family spots, surfing spots, radio-free zones and, of course, the nude beach area. But what if your beach doesn’t have a special nude designation? Never fear, bros! A smart guy knows that girls who want to let it all hang out flock to the edges of the beach. There is less foot traffic there, so it’s more of any anything-goes policy.
The real question, guys, is if you’re man enough to partake. Any guy can walk through the clothing optional section of a beach and take sly glances at the goods from behind his sunglasses. It takes another breed entirely to engage in participant observation. Just make sure to bring the sunblock!
9. What are the laws about open containers?
The beach is the perfect place to relax. The water lapping on the shore is soothing, the breeze tickles your skin, and the sun puts you in your happy place. There’s just one thing guys would add to make things more enjoyable: booze! Having a buzz takes any activity from fun to a-maz-ing. That’s why guys are always wondering what the laws are about open containers on the beach.
Beach drinking is a favorite pastime. And why shouldn’t it be? You can drink a beer at ball game, you can call a shot at a club, and you can order a bottle of wine with dinner at a restaurant. But for some reason, most public beaches prohibit open consumption of alcohol. Letting people swim far off shore is OK, little kids are allowed to run around unsupervised, and girls can parade around in bathing suits baring everything except their nipples and bare butt. But drinking a beer on the beach? Scandalous!
It’s definitely fun to frequent beaches that allow open containers of alcohol, or at least have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell approach. But it’s even more fun to sneak some. So stop being a little baby and bend some rules. Put some vodka in a flimsy coffee cup. Throw a beer in your water cooler. Mix up some sangria and drink it from a juice container. And while you’re living dangerously, go ahead and swim less than 30 minutes after eating. We won’t tell if you won’t!
8. Surfing can’t be that hard!
Surfers! What D-bags! That’s what most guys think when they see the surfers catching some waves. The beach is a place to see and be seen, and the surfers get more than their share of attention. Not only are they tanned and toned, but they get accolades for their water gymnastics – and this creates jealousy. When guys see surfers, they instantly get the “I could do that” mentality. Men literally think that surfing can’t be all that hard. After all, it’s only standing up.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but surfing is really hard and takes a lot of physical prowess. You need to be able to hoist yourself up onto a wet board, then get your balance. Next, you need to maintain that balance while riding a wave. Good luck with all that. Most people can barely balance on a subway car. The positive side is that surfing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Remember how the Beach Boys didn’t even like surfing?
7. I want to move to the beach and become a beach bum!
Going to the beach is as dangerous as smoking crack. One hit and you’re totally addicted! When guys go to the beach, they wonder how they will ever be able to leave. The sun just feels so good on their skin, the water is fun to play in, and the gentle breeze is like mother’s milk for the soul. So it’s only natural for guys to go to the beach and think about how they will drop everything in their lives to be a beach bum.
Guys fantasize about becoming David Hasselhoff – minus the booze binges and hairy chest. They want to be lifeguards, and spend their days saving lives while working alongside hot girls in red swimsuits. Or, they dream about being a pro surfer like Kelly Slater. Catching a wave sure beats sitting in an office and pounding away at a keyboard. Most guys would probably even settle for being Gabrielle Reece and playing volleyball in a two-piece if it meant they could live on the beach.
6. Can the lifeguard see me?
Guys get in the water, and all of a sudden they’re Michael Phelps. They think they can do the butterfly all the way to Cuba. They think they can outswim a riptide. And they just know that no undertow is any match for them. So, guys dive right in and swim and swim and swim. They go right past the kids in their water wings, past the posse of teens riding the waves, and past the fitness buffs doing laps. Guys swim so far that they surpass everyone in the water. When this happens, they have a distinct feeling of triumph. They look out at everyone else and pity them for being such tiny weaklings. They give themselves a mental pat on the back for a job well done. Then, the realization hits them that they’ve gone too far. They start doubting if they can make it back. They remember that they didn’t tell their friends they were going for a dip. They start feeling a slight undercurrent tugging at their bodies. And that’s when they think, “Can the lifeguard see me?!” Suddenly, Michael Phelps and his gold medals don’t seem like such a joke after all. But never fear – the lifeguard sees you. If you were that far out, the lifeguard would’ve blown his whistle long ago. But while you’re out there, you might as well practice treading water – just in case.
5. What if I run into Jaws?
The movie Jaws has made millions of people afraid to go in the water since the 1970s. And it didn’t help things that 2015 was a record year for shark attacks. So, it’s totally normal for guys to fear running into Jaws. After all, the beach is a scary mistress. She beckons men with her siren calls – and then lures them to their doom. There’s a reason sailors are so superstitious. But at least sailors know the warning signs of a shark. For example, most people erroneously believe that sharks always swim with their dorsal fin sticking out of the water. This actually only happens when the water is very shallow. So don’t count on scanning the surface of the water for a shark when you’re way out in the ocean.
Also, a lot of jittery people mistake dolphins for sharks. So do your homework. If you do, you’ll know that dolphins swim just beneath the surface of the water. Sharks, on the other hand, prefer to swim deeper in the water. So it’s far more likely that if you spot something, it’s a dolphin. A shark will tear into you from below and you won’t even see it coming.
Finally, get over yourself. Jaws isn’t interested in eating you. Sharks typically don’t attack humans – just like sharks don’t fly around in a tornado like the Sharknado franchise will have you believe.
4. There sure is a lot of gross stuff in the ocean!
Guys tend to be a bit squeamish. They love to be hard bodies on the sand, but throw them in the water and they become a little neurotic. As humans we’re afraid of the dark because we can’t see what’s in front of us – and this translates to wading in the water, because we often can’t see what we’re standing in. This is especially bad in the ocean, because there’s so much gross stuff in there. Guys will stand in a sandbar and jump up when they feel seaweed brush against their leg. Grown men will wretch when they spot a dead jellyfish float past. And an entire crew of bros will wear effeminate water shoes just to avoid stepping on something squishy on the ocean floor.
But most of the stuff in the ocean is perfectly natural. It really shouldn’t bother guys if a school of fish swims past or if a tasty looking crab is walking the shoreline. The really disgusting stuff is usually put there by humans. Humans wreck the water by using the sea as their personal trash cans – and toilets.
3. I’d like some cake by the ocean!
Tired of all that candy on the dry land? We thought so. There is something distinctly arousing about being on the beach. Once guys breathe in the salt air, get some sand in between their toes, and watch the crashing waves, the sensations of the beach make them want to “get some” in the worst way. And seeing all the girls in their itty bitty bikinis is the cherry on top. Who wants to bed a girl when you can do the whole she-bang on a beach towel? Who wants a roll in the hay when you can do it on the shore amid crashing waves? Who wants seven minutes in heaven in a dark closet when you can do it out in the open under the warm sun?
The beach is the destination to fulfill guys’ s*x in public fantasy. Just be careful you don’t get caught! It’s a lot harder to get away with fornicating on the beach than it is in an elevator, on a train, or in the woods. Some good advice is to wait until twilight, find a secluded dune and cover up with a beach towel. Oh – and keep your bathing suit on. If the cops come, your cover story won’t hold any water if you’re naked.
2. Will sand get in my pee hole?
It’s a little known fact that one in every 25 men suffer from a condition known as sanbifian (pronounced: san-biff-E-in). It is a congenital abnormality that makes the opening to the urethra curved, making it the perfect conduit for sand to travel up but not down. Many men do not realize that they suffer from this condition until it is too late. They are already at the beach when BAM! – Sand enters their pee hole and they are left in agony. Treatment to clear the trapped sand is ironic, as it involves a physician flushing the urethra with a medical saline solution. In third world beach destinations, some quacks even use regular ocean water which is often filled with parasites. There’s an easy way to check if you or someone you know suffers from this condition. It commonly occurs in men who have a second toe that is longer than their big toe, and in men with attached earlobes. If you buy all this, we have a bridge that we’d like to sell you!
In all seriousness, men do wonder if they will get sand in their pee holes. Who wouldn’t? Sand gets trapped everywhere else, from ear canals to underneath fingernails. Even when you hose off completely, you still find sand in your car and on your sheets. Erosion is a myth. Sand never goes away.
1. What’s going on at the nude beach?
Ah, the nude beach. Every guy wonders what’s going on there. Few have the cojones to check it out. So, the legend of the nude beach grows and grows. Living it up at the nude beach is on most guys’ bucket list. Guys envision it as a beach party mecca – filled with booze, hot girls and cool tunes. Surely, there’s got to be dancing by day and hook-ups by night. The reality is much, much different. Most nude beaches aren’t all that sexy.
There are three basic types of people that go to the nude beach. The first are old people. They are comfortable with their bodies, and let it all hang out – and we mean all. It’s scary. The second sort of people that flock to the nude beach are overweight. Yeah – you read that right. They don’t give a flip what they look like. That’s great for them – but bad for you. The third type of people that frequent nude beaches are pervs. Major pervs. They are the kind that somehow stay pasty white despite walking around in the sun all day. They compulsively check their watches, as if they have somewhere else they’d rather be. And the creepiest thing is that they never talk to anyone. Try enjoying yourself with one of those circling around you like a shark. They’ll make you shiver in 100 degree temperatures.