Girlfriends are easily one of the greatest accomplishments for an adolescent male. We actually convinced a gorgeous someone to buy into the idea that we are some kinda DIY prince charming project. So when all is said and done, the honeymoon period flies on by. The woman who was once a walking billboard for positivity and spontaneous thrills seems to have the slightest distance when you say, “I can’t tonight, babe. I’m going out with the guys.” We find ourselves stranded on the end of a timeline we didn’t even know existed and we have the following realization: “My girlfriend hates my bros…” Many people fail to truly understand why they dislike our Saturday night drinking buddies or our rowdy co-workers, but I have done the work and cracked the code.
Before we dive in, we need to establish an important formula so we can solve some equations. The first one is the transitive property of your bros suck. This is a unique formula that means she will blame a lot of negative qualities about you on your friends. For her own mental health she will try and see you as a caterpillar trying to morph into a butterfly, thus any atrocious quality you have must be because you’re a product of your environment. It’s your “bros” that are dragging you down with them. Got it? Good! Let’s do this.
15. You May Or May Not Have Made A Previous “Contract”
I have mentioned my theory of girlfriend contracts through different publications, interviews and scientific journals, but this is the latest definition. Back in college you were probably required to take an entry level business class on what the true meaning of a legal contract was. Remember? Well, take all of that and back it over with a truck. Girls will take the following words and phrases as a synonym for “yes!”
“Maybe,” “We’ll see,” “Let me check my schedule,” “Depends,” “If I have the money”
The list doesn’t stop there as this is a running theory, but if you made a promise and you decide to bail on her for your buds… she’s going to start getting jealous over the amount of time you spend with them. It will turn into the kind of situation where she’s in a corporate level competition for your time on weekends and remember there is no war without casualties.
14. You’re Friends With A Player
Ladies stick together. It’s not in the same way guys do, but it’s a sort of pre-installed anti-virus software that girlfriends have. It basically allows your girl to instantaneously decide that your gym buddy “Chad”, should never be around her friends. What did Chad do? See, to you he just exists and has a way with girls, but to her she’s a mother bear protecting her cubs. Is there a way to solve this? Of course. Make sure your guys treat her and all her friends like ladies. You never want to have a civil war where the opposing body is populated by your girlfriend’s pissed off roommates and she’s Ulysses S. Grant. Plus, they’re all going to hate your friends and what fun is that?
13. They Inspire You To Play Video Games
To a girlfriend, your Xbox should only have one function and it’s called Netflix. This doesn’t apply to all girls, but most will never appreciate the tranquility and pointless accomplishments that deeply pride you and your guys. For the most part your girlfriend wants to you be an adult and for whatever reason, they link the immoral amount of time you spend in front of a TV with friends to immaturity. Remember, you’re a work in progress and she feels like she’s the only thing keeping you from self destruction. So, once again, if you’re blowing time frequently playing Call of Duty with the guys… she’s going to do the transitive property of your bros suck and hate them for being your metaphorical anchor.
12. Your Bros Got You So Drunk That You Forgot To Be A Boyfriend
You got the permission required to go out tonight. Grab your keys, phone, wallet, and you’re on your way to downtown. I usually associate random binge nights with hometown friends, so let’s say Dave, your old high school bud, decides that this is the night to not remember! He pays the bar’s rent through shots, bombs, and bottle service because he is going for bro of the year. Now it’s 1:00 am and you can’t find your phone or half your friends. Worst off, it’s getting tough to decide which problem is currently more important. Oh wait, you need to find your phone before she flips! Your girl has probably already thrown your face on milk cartons and is blaming Dave for the whole thing. By the time you find your phone in an alley you never knew existed… it’s too late. Girls hate to worry anymore than they usually do. Especially since in the job description, “boyfriend,” it entails that you as an individual must be somewhat responsible when it comes to maintaining basic communication. So in the event that you were so inebriated that you couldn’t even get home or at least say goodnight… you’re definitely sleeping on the couch and she’s going to hate your bros.
11. Sadly, They Always Bring Up Grand Tales Of When You Were Single
It’s you, a couple of pals, and your girl casually throwing back some drinks after a long day. The conversation is going great at first. She is actually laughing at what Chad has to say today and nothing more in the world could make you more happy. The conversation runs down to one of the first bachelor’s parties you’ve ever been to. Then Chad goes, “Man! That night at Dave’s Bachelor’s party… You were nuts!” Oh no, she can’t know about that. She already knows too much! You try and save the situation by highlighting that you have changed. “Yeah, back in the glory days, but those are way in the rear view now.” Then, Chad drops the bomb, “Yo! Dude, you were having to throw girls off of you!” It’s over. This always happens. One little story from your past and it’s like your current relationship resume doesn’t even deserve a date with Jocelyn Wildenstein. She’s furious with you and hates the fact that there ever was a time in your life where you were having these types of adventures with your bros.
10. You Forgave Your Boy Too Easily
When girls fight, its an emotional boxing match that goes all the way to the twelfth round. I’d say that ninety-five percent of fights between guys end before an actual fight. The difference is that guys are absolutely more confrontational. Aggressive over passive aggressive. This is in no way saying that guys are better than girls. I’m simply pointing out that girls prefer one grand publicity driven (I say “publicity,” because women fight on mediums like Twitter) sociopolitical explosion over the simplicity of just sorting issues out when and where they happen. Once again, still not ripping on women. Guys just aren’t intelligent enough for that, nor do we have the emotional muscles necessary to deal with the constant stress of that particular flavor of social life. Since women do things differently, your girlfriend WILL NOT understand you being so “cool” with your friends. She’ll tell you that you “let them off too easy” or ask “how are you okay with that?” In this situation she’ll take on the weight and will actually carry your grudge against your pal for you. You won’t even know at first, but down the road when something happens with the same person, you can bet she’ll be the first one to remind you what happened down to the time stamp.
9. More Than Likely, They Don’t Pick Up After Themselves
It’s like whenever the crew is around, your house is the battle scene of Michael Bay’s new movie. She tries so hard to keep the place clean, but time after time there’s beer cans everywhere, dirty dishes, and did Chad really need to leave the shower so fast that he left the towel on the floor? Whether you live together or not, the place where her boyfriend sleeps is a reflection of her possible fiance. Add in the theory of your bros suck and she’s already secretly blaming your male socialites for the distasteful atmosphere surrounding you. Even if it’s not entirely their fault.
8. Your “Bro” Is Actually A Chick
On the eighth day, the bro-chick was created. Girls that are basically guys are probably the greatest blessings in a man’s life. You rarely have the opportunity to date one because they’ve been in a long term relationship with a guy who is arguably almost as cool as you since the beginning of time… so you end up welcoming them into the brotherhood. Girls are such great friends, who knew? Bro-chicks have a diet that is almost identical to your typical bromigo. Equal parts red meat, sports, and beer. Some A-list bro-chicks play video games and can even beat you. It’s a wonderful world, right? Well, just by the fact that your bro is a chick and gets along with you means that your girlfriend will hate her. Almost always, girlfriends will never admit it. The one thing a girl hates, more than anything, is to admit that she is jealous because honesty is apparently too expensive for the emotional pocket book of life.
7. She Knows You All Gawk At Other Girls Together
Keep your cross hairs on the right target, it’s a gentlemanly thing to do. Easier said than done, though. Especially when you are in your crowd of testosterone charged misfits. One day, at a tailgate, you will be minding your own business when a drunken Chad and Dave run over to you with a phone, wielding the latest picture of Kate Upton. The only real problem is your girl is right next to you when they ask, “how hot is she? What would you rate her?” Immediately, your life transforms into a court case –you vs. girlfriend- and the verdict completely depends on how you handle the situation. Even if you plead “not guilty” and win… she’s going to think your friends are disgusting. Hey, you know, remember that this particular situation can be combated by pointing out that girls gather together to drool over the males that inhabit ABC’s
unscripted reality show, The Bachelor. Yes, the strikethroughs are for sarcasm, nice catch.
6. “Are… Are You High?”
There is a point, undetectable by radar, at which all significant others will be completely against the use of paraphernalia. Despite their beliefs before the relationship started, most woman will consider drug use unprofessional, immature, and/or any other synonyms associated with those words. Aforementioned, because we’re guys and we have no sense of moral compass when it comes to inanimate objects, we will completely not understand why drugs like weed are linked to attributes like laziness or a lack of ambition. It’s just something that you do with your friends, right? No, to your ladylove, any sort of drug abuse is going to be associated with your pothead friends and they’ll be stereotyped as such. Aforementioned, the transitive property your bros suck, states that your guy friends are the ones to blame for your dive into a teenage pastime. Well, let’s face it, most bros are to blame for this topic, so I’ll give it to the ladies on this one.
5. She Hates Moochers
Most of the time you have a bro who doesn’t have a car, has no money, or both. Life isn’t fair to everyone, so this is totally understandable. We love our bros and we’d do anything for them. Now, to a girlfriend, the metaphorical anchor complex may sit in. You’re her knight in shining armor who can’t be sunk in life because of a couple parasites. Like most things that we’ve discussed, she’ll probably rarely ever bring it up, but you can bet every time you give a bro a place to stay for or spot them a meal… she’s going to be wondering why you keep them in your life.
4. They Make Marriage Sound Like Your Funeral
Let’s paint a picture. Somehow, everyone at your 5pm weekly Thursday dive bar table lands on the topic of marriage. Why? Because it really does seem like everyone is getting engaged. This generation is either storming downtown or crashing into wedding plans. So the fortunate few that weren’t tied down early, particularly your guy friends, start bashing the entire idea of marriage. This is totally normal. Those who are in the midst of an engagement understand the potential happiness from love and those who are at happy hour, don’t. Your girl, who decided to tag along has heard this negative sedition of marriage from your group of hooligans too many times. It’s not like she herself wants to marry anytime soon (at least we hope not), but she wants the kind of guy who sees dating as an investment in the potential of such a commitment. So if you’re hanging around a lot of rowdy bachelors, it might just be too late for their reputation to float with your dearly beloved because she might just think you share the same opinion.
3. Bros Affect Your Behavior In Public
Around a girlfriend, we are on our best behavior. Hanging out in public with our girl is arguably comparable to having a babysitter. We wouldn’t dare do certain actions that could earn us a time out. The moment we’re with our boys… the juice is worth the squeeze. No matter what the consequences are, all we want to do is have fun together, even if our girlfriends scold every and any irresponsible action that we conduct. A night out with the girl? Maybe fine wine and a good steak. A night out with your girl and your bros? You’re probably not getting any that night and more than likely tried to steal something from a bar. I blame this one on the girlfriend. You know our reputation at this point so why would you try and tame a boyfriend and his wild stallions in a public situation? Either way, she’s going to fear ever leaving the house with you if your gang is joining in.
2. They Don’t Seem To Care About Tomorrow
The worst thing to witness in a person’s social circle is a lack of motivation. This actually goes for guys and girls. No one wants to see someone they care about with people that, simply, don’t care about the future. It’s horrid and you can’t help but wonder why they surround themselves with such aimless beings. A girlfriend won’t notice this immediately, but she’ll probably begin to comment about the lack of ambitious horsepower your pals have. In the end, though, she might actually be right. Totally kidding, even though she could literally be correct, we see our bros like… you know… brothers. They’re family and we can’t abandon them, because at the end of the day they’d do the same for you. I mean, come on, we find the same amount of respect for our friends that she has for hers (who sometimes aren’t that commendable, either). So at the end of the day, she’ll end up admiring you for loyalty, but still will secretly despise them where they deserve it.
1. She Thinks They Hate Her
The number one reason a young female dislikes another human being is because she thinks that they hate her. Half of the time there isn’t a real reason or any tangible evidence about how or why a girlfriend could come to the conclusion that your guy friends hate her, but if she says stuff like, “he doesn’t talk to me,” “he gave me the weirdest look,” and/or “he didn’t even wave back” then she’ll shift into defensive mode and will actually temporarily dislike the man until he shows some type of friendly gesture. It’s actually the craziest thing, but almost all women do this. To understand why, we have to get into the anatomy of female socialization. Alright, you got me. There isn’t any professor, doctor, or mathematician on the face of the earth that has solved the brain twisting phenomenon of female socialization so there is absolutely no way that I’m qualified.