The internet is one hell of a thing, where people turn to Google to find out how to navigate their lives on a daily basis. People are searching for anything from “how to get a girlfriend” to finding the best place in town for some shawarma. Everyone has the opportunity to chime in and share their opinions however, most of the time that advice is given by people who have no clue what they are talking about. This has been the case when it comes to advice about sex since all over the world, as people are curious about sex. They want to know the best positions, how to turn someone on, how to make someone want them and best yet, how to have the most mind blowing sex ever. Here comes the advice from people around the world who to their credit may have had a lot of sex in their time but not necessarily good sex.
Receiving advice on the internet is hit or miss and it is causing an epidemic; it is making people engage in bad sex and ultimately spread horrible, horrible advice. Suggestions include rubbing her body until the friction heats her up, complimenting someone else in front of her to gauge her reaction because we all know a little jealousy is healthy (AKA disrespectful). It may be time that we all stop turning to the internet for advice that involves any kind of sexual activity; this is why sex therapists exist since they know what they are talking about and they won’t suggest you put yourself, your partner or your relationship in any kind of danger. However, if you are looking for a laugh or just love receiving bad advice then here is a list of sex tips found on the internet and in magazines that everyone should avoid.
15. Just Let Them Do All The Work
This is a recipe for disaster. Suggesting that you lay back and let one person do all the work makes for horrible, boring sex that no one wants to engage in. Sex is a two person thing; everyone should be pulling their weight, it is fun that way. Besides no one wants to feel as though they are the only one trying to make this sex thing work and you laying there like a rock is awkward as hell. They may never ask you to have sex ever again, hell they might even break up with you. Either way both situations are bad.
14. The Bedroom Burrito
What is a breakfast burrito you ask? Apparently it involves one person wrapping the other person up so they can do whatever they want to them. Keep in mind, they make a note stating that their whole upper half of the body should be wrapped up in a bed sheet. Not sure what you think, but this seems to favor a very uncomfortable situation. They even state that they want you to imagine it as a burrito or “straitjacket”, so make sure her head and legs are left uncovered. If this is considered spontaneous now-a-days well, women do not stand a chance. Before anyone tries this brilliant move tell your partner so the mood does not turn into something funky.
13. Lick The Palm Of Her Hand
If you’re turned and in public, then lick the palm of her hand like a secret signal to let her know you’re ready to go. Not only is this inappropriate, it is also ridiculous. Germs are involved and imagine how weird you will look if you get caught licking her palm. Keep in mind she may not appreciate you getting so physical with her in public. If you’re in the mood, why not display it in a better way like say… opening your mouth and telling her how you’re feeling? You being so vocal about it is actually more of a turn on then picking up her hand and licking her palm. There is no subtly in that.
12. Just Go With The Flow
First, what does this even mean? Go with what flow? If you mean to say let things happen naturally then say that. Going with the flow is almost like giving up control of what is going on in the bedroom. While this is appealing to some, there still needs to be guidelines about said “flow”. Once the both of you are on the same page about what you like, what you want to experience, what you think could be fun to try sometime then you can let your guard down. Some people assume that going with the flow means doing whatever comes to mind; this can cause a bit of confusion and unsavory accidents.
11. Do The Same Thing, He Won’t Notice Anyway
Yes, he will. Let’s be honest, some people can be extremely lazy when it comes to getting down; they lack imagination and the motivation to keep things spicy in the bedroom. Telling someone who likes to rest on their laurels that doing the same thing will go unnoticed is like crack to them. This piece of bad advice is used commonly because, truth be told, a lot of the time women believe it is up to the men to encourage the sexual activity, and doing the same thing repetitively is like unintentionally punishing him for being attracted to you.
10. Bring Food Into The Bedroom
This is a popular idea however, that does not make it a good idea. Using food in the bedroom is first and foremost unhygienic. Is it your plan to eat that food after it has been in places that you would never admit to? If you want to get “weird” maybe just use some pleasure toys; they are more hygienic and actually made for just that. Food in the bedroom can get messy, leave weird smells and oh yeah some foods do not interact with the body well and may leave you feeling… let’s say self conscious for a few days.
9. Shake His Nuts
Cosmopolitan magazine is known for giving out great sex tips but when they farm this task out to readers with over active imaginations well, stuff gets real. A brilliant piece of advice was posted to their message board a while back stating that shaking a man’s testicles back and forth is the best feeling ever. They used the analogy of “like shaking dice in a cup”, not only does this sound uncomfortable but it seems like it would make for some awkward sexy time. What man is craving this? Who wants to picture their balls in a cup being shaken around?
8. Try A Bunch Of Different Positions
Mixing it up in the bedroom is great fun. Sex is supposed to be fun and entertaining but it is bad advice to tell someone that the only way to give her an orgasm is to try a bunch of different positions. Studies have shown that missionary is the best way to give an orgasm for the simple fact of where the G spot is located. Spoiler alert! It is on the top of the vaginal wall and it is way easier to pleasure doing missionary. So yes, try out your best moves but keep in mind that you should end up back in missionary to finish her off because, contrary to popular belief, it is not all about you.
7. Use Your Phone Vibrator
Did anyone else just throw up a bit in their mouth? Phone vibrator? Is that not a little outrageous? The first problem here is that the phone does not vibrate long enough to make any kind of impact and second, so what does it say about you as a human being who is too lazy/cheap to buy new batteries for your toys or better yet go the old fashion route? Besides that fact your phone is full of germs and you are now placing it on sensitive areas of your body. Whoever’s bright idea this was should never admit to it, its straight up weird.
6. Asking Questions
Okay, this piece of advice is not totally bad if you are dating someone new and trying to find out what they like. However, asking too many questions can sometimes make you look like an amateur and make your partner feel fed up and assume that you are just insecure. The American Association of Sex Educators suggest that asking questions or “permission” makes your partner feel respected and gives them a sense of security but if someone feels uncomfortable and not respected then the easier decision is to just not engage in sexual activity with that person until they are comfortable. Seems pretty straight forward.
5. Yank His Hair
This is another gem from Cosmopolitan magazine. One of their male readers offered the advice of pulling at the pubic hair that sits in between the navel and the penis; so basically where everyone grows pubic hair. He also suggests that you lick it and tickle it… hmm this seems more and more like his own fetish rather than a great piece of advice for mind blowing fun. Is this not a painful situation? And what girl WANTS to play with a man’s pubic hair? Normally they are complaining about it when it gets in their face or other bothersome places. Something is fishy about this advice, wouldn’t you agree?
4. Turn The Fan On
Some studies show that when you use essential oils during intercourse it is a huge turn on; they suggest you take it one step further and direct a fan in her direction so she can smell the oils more while you engage in your play time. STOP RIGHT THERE! No woman anywhere wants a fan blowing their hair all over the place so they look even more crazy and unkempt then they normally do during sex, never mind the fact that there is about a 90% chance that they are fully naked and the fan is freezing their butt off, distracting them from the deed at hand. Unless you’re dying from heat, keep away from this one.
3. The Sweaty Make-out
After you workout when you’re all sweaty, dirty and probably stinky, make-out with your girlfriend. During this time not only do you produce more saliva but it also has way more testosterone in it so it turns her on faster. Let’s translate; spit in her mouth after you workout because it will make her want you so bad, even though you need a shower, you’re dirty and covered with other people’s germs from the gym because let’s face it; no one wipes down the machines the way they should after they use it. How about you take a shower first and then build up a new sweat with her in bed?
2. Try Some Moves You’ve Watched
DO NOT TRY P*RN MOVES. Unless you are some kind of professional and have great core strength, there is a high chance that you trying these moves will lead to you dropping her flat on her face, or worse off spraining your man parts. Adult stars are stars for a reason; call the profession what you want but they have perfected moves that do not even have official names and for you to assume that you can do what they do is delusional and dangerous. Also keep in mind that p*rn is glorified sex and they do take after take to make it look just right.
1. Add Danger To Your Day
Almost getting hit by a car is a huge turn on and everyone should jump in front of a car and have it hopefully swerve and not kill you. See how ridiculous that sounds? This is an actual suggestion from Men’s Health magazine; they want you to do dangerous things for that dopamine high. Follow in the footsteps of Tim McGraw and live like you were dying, just making sure you avoid death at all costs. They say that this will trigger sexual arousal in women but there are so many other ways for her to be turned on so… maybe choose one of those other options.