Most of us have been through a break up. Some are tougher than others, depending how strong the relationship was. Those are the ones that make us search for all the possible ways on how to get over that person who broke our heart. However, even with the help of our friends or even articles, people still seem to make a mistake when they’re trying to forget their ex. They wonder why is it so easy for others to move on and for them, it seems like they’re moving on but not so smoothly or they just simply are stuck with the memories.
Moving forward after a break-up, especially if they broke up with you, is one of the last things people want to deal with. It almost seems unfair for it to happen but you have to remember that you’re no exception, unfortunately.
It’s the ones who take the separation harder that struggle to deal with it more and it comes down to one reason; because they don’t want to face the fact that it’s over. They don’t want to believe it’s over or they simply don’t want it to be over and insist on trying to make it work. This is similar to admitting you have a problem with addiction in order to solve it. You have to come to terms with the truth eventually. Same goes with a break-up. You have to realize the truth is it’s over. The number one thing to remember, though, is you’re not alone. There are millions who are dealing with losing their love.
So below are some mistakes people make when they’re trying to get over someone. Perhaps you can try to stop yourself from doing these things to make the process better and easier.
15. Dating Too Soon
If you’re dating not too long after the break-up happened, then you’re bound to fail on finding someone else new to replace your old beau. You’re either trying to make your ex jealous, looking for a distraction, or avoiding being alone, which is probably the worst one out of the three. When you go out with someone right after ending the relationship, you’re most likely going to be comparing them to your ex which is not helping you get over them. The ones you’re dating are only going to make you miss him even more because it’ll be obvious they don’t have what he had. They’re basically highlighting everything you love about your ex. That’s not helping your case at all. All you can think about is what you lost and how much you want him back. Don’t date too soon after breaking up because you ultimately need time to heal and recover. The best time to start dating again is when you can confidently say you’re over him. Plus, no one wants to deal with ex-baggage.
14. Stalking Them on Social Media
People think that stalking them on social media will make everything better since they’re not exactly contacting them. It might for a little because it gives some sort of closure for them but it’s not a good idea in the long run. How are you moving on when you’re still inviting them into your life? Not only are you keeping them in your life but you might run into something you wish you didn’t see. In example, you might see a photo of them having a great time with friends as if losing you wasn’t a big deal or even worse, a photo or a post of another girl. This will only hurt you and cause more pain. I understand the satisfaction it brings by following them on their Facebook or Instagram profiles but it’s not helping you get over them. As said earlier, you’re doing these things because you don’t want to get over them. You’re just doing yourself a favor by maintaining them in your life in any possible way. Eventually though, you’re going to realize you have to move on when things are not on your side. So it all comes down to gaining the desire to move forward. Once that happens, you’ll stop yourself from doing a disservice such as this one.
13. Choosing To Be Alone
It’s understandable you want to have your alone time to deal with the heartbreak. But there comes a point where you have to get your life back on track. At this point, your mindset is on the fact that the only person who matters in your life is gone so what’s the purpose of living? It is important to spend some alone time. After all, breaking up with someone is usually the opportunity to become better at being on your own. However, if you used to be a social butterfly, then you’re going to want your great life back again. If you were always more on the introverted side, then it might be harder to get accustomed to spending time with friends.
But being social is essential to living a healthy life so it’s a good idea to get out there and meet people with the same interests as you. By choosing to be alone as opposed to socializing, you’re getting consumed by the pain even more because all you’re thinking about is how hurt you are. However, don’t just socialize for the sake of socializing. Try making real friends that will be more than a distraction to you. They’ll actually be an important part of your life.
12. Constantly Looking Up For Advice
This is good at a certain extent because you’re seeking help. However, it can get out of hand when all your day consists of is looking for advice, and anything that surrounds your break-up. There’s no chance of you actually getting over them when all you can talk about and think about is the end of your relationship. It’s okay to look up for advice in the beginning but after a while, it can get overwhelming. Not only are you looking up for advice on how to get over them but you’re also reading into other negative aspects of your relationship. The relationship is over so there is no point in searching for ways to solve a specific problem you and him had. Unless there is a chance of the two of you getting back together, there is no reason why you should always be looking up for advice. Try other solutions such as meditation or exercising.
11. Seeking Revenge
Karma is real so just let her handle things for you. When you’re constantly seeking a way to get back at your boyfriend or girlfriend, you’re only making it seem like you have nothing else going on in your life which defeats your purpose of making them miss you. If you continue to do such petty things such as post selfies with other guys, or malicious quotes that talk badly about your ex, there’s going to be a smaller chance of you moving on to an actual better life, not an artificial one. You’re wasting your time and you’re making yourself look bad. This only means you are not over them and can’t move on like you’re portraying. Rather than posting things that have to do with him or the relationship, post about something new going on in your life like the new club you’re a part of or an achievement. As a bonus, by genuinely enjoying your life, he might want to walk back in and see if there’s another chance for the two of you. After all, it takes two happy, healthy lives to make a successful relationship.
10. Letting Loose
There’s always a balance to everything including how to move on after breaking up with your ex. It’s already been stated how it’s not a good idea to abstain from socializing but it’s also not a good idea to socialize too much. There’s something in between those that can be mastered in order to move on as healthy as possible. It’s okay to go out with friends and live life to make memories. However, it can get ugly when you pretty much turn into this rebel, not caring about anything because you’re so upset about the break-up. The truth is, you’re not over him and you think by acting out in a certain way, it’ll make everything better. But it’s just a distraction for the moment and as soon as it’s over, you’re back to thinking about him. So what did you really solve? Nothing. In most cases, letting loose after a break up isn’t exactly what the person wants to do and they end up feeling bad for their misbehavior. At the end of the day, you’re only causing more problems and the last thing you want is more drama to deal with. In addition, sometimes it’s a turn off for the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend to watch the person they used to be with lack self-respect. With that being said, you’re not winning by going all out.
9. Reaching Out To Them
Obviously this is a no-no if you’re trying to get over your ex, especially if you’re reaching out to them when you have nothing else to do. If you want to reach out because you genuinely miss them, then the best thing to do is to stay strong and not contact them. Unfortunately, it’s best to stay away in order to move on in a healthy way. These are one of the hardest things to refrain from after breaking up. It’s natural to want to stay in touch and not lose their friendship after separating. But by talking to your ex, you’re only dragging the breakup process longer when you want to overcome it as fast as possible. Sometimes couples break up with the hopes of getting back together when the timing is right so if the two of you can come to an agreement on staying in touch, then by all means, you can message each other or give a call every once in a while. If that’s not the case, then you’re not giving it a chance to fully move passed it. By staying in touch, it can lead to an unhealthy relationship such as those on and off ones and that’s not really good.
8. Expressing Your Pain All the Time
Whether it’s expressing your pain in person or posting about it on Twitter, it’s not very bright to let out all your hurt feelings out there. It’s nice to have a friend who is willing to hear you out but don’t take advantage of them always being there. It can get exhausting and cause you to be depressed by always talking about how hurt you are. There’s other things going around you that can be talked about. Then there’s social media. Sometimes it feels good posting a quote that says exactly what you’re feeling but when you’re posting one every hour and every day, that’s when you need to stop. Your whole life is basically being defined by the break-up and as a smart person, you know you’re better than that. Your life means more than this rock bottom stage you’re going through. It’s going to look as if you have nothing else to offer but being a Debbie downer. On top of that, your business is out there for people to see. If this person meant a lot to you, you would keep it private and not throw it out there for the whole world to know about. Once again, by talking about it all the time, you’re being consumed by the heartbreak and not giving yourself a chance to get over your ex.
7. Bad Mouthing Your Ex
Sometimes your hurt feelings can turn into resentment and you began to look at your ex in a bad way. You began to victimize yourself and consider him as the evil one. It goes back to posting about your ex and the relationship but this is in an attacking way which is worse. By doing this, it only builds more anger and stress which you don’t need while you’re trying to recover from a bad break-up. Most likely, he’s not even a bad guy and you end up feeling guilty for talking negatively about someone you loved. So it’s all these unwanted feelings combined, preventing you from getting through the break-up in a healthy way. Along with those feelings, you also look insecure for trying to put the blame on him as opposed to taking responsibility for your part. Like with other mistakes listed here, it might cause you to feel better by making him look bad but only for a while. This isn’t a great way to deal with a break-up for long-term growth.
6. Obsessing Over Something As An Escape
They always say “find a distraction” or “find a hobby” to get over someone. This only works if you genuinely like what you’re doing and if you’re doing it in moderation. Some people find something they enjoy and began to pursue it to the point where it becomes their whole life. If you start to enjoy going to the gym and working out, then that’s great because it’s one of the ideal ways to cope with stress. However, sometimes you can get addicted to it and not think about anything else. Even worse, it can make you sick. If you start to enjoy reading books, then again that’s great. But if you consistently rather lock yourself in a room and read than go out and mingle, then it can become concerning. They also say “too much is never good” and it’s true. By overdoing something, you’re basically running away from the problems surrounding the break-up and not exactly dealing with them. Rather than it being just a distraction, it’s an escape. If your ex comes back in your life, you want to be able to look them in the eye and be fine with it, not run away and go to the gym to get rid of the anxiety.
5. Making Up Scenarios
This is similar to the reason why people stalk their ex on social media. They stalk them because they know they can’t talk to them directly. Same goes with making up scenarios. Realistically, you’re aware you can’t spend time with them or talk to them, so the next best thing is to pretend like you’ll meet up with them and miraculously rekindle the relationship. In the end, you’re only getting your hopes up for nothing on top of not allowing yourself to be present. You’re so busy in your head, thinking of possibilities of the two of you getting back together that you forget what’s in front of you. This is one of the biggest mistakes you can do to prevent yourself from moving on and getting over the break-up. It feels good in the beginning because, like stalking, you’re receiving some type of satisfaction by fulfilling that empty spot. But in the long run, you’re not benefiting from it. In contrast, you’re extending the time to get over them, making it harder to get through the process.
4. Become Friends With Benefits
This only “works” if there’s no future for the two of you to be in a serious relationship again. Most likely, the plan is to work things out and have a future together or gain respect for yourself and move on. By having sex with your ex and casually seeing them, you’re totally doing yourself a disservice. It’s tempting to find a way to stay in touch with your ex and being friends with benefits is one of the common ways people go about in order to not lose contact with each other. The moment might feel good because at the end of the day, you just want to be back in their arms and presence. But if your plan is to win them back as a real boyfriend or girlfriend, then you have to cut it off completely. It’s more common for guys to take advantage than girls in these situations. They’ll think they don’t have to commit to you because you’re giving yourself to them already. So how is that winning him back as your boyfriend? It’s not. It’s only making him think he doesn’t have to ask you to be his girlfriend since he already has you. Overall, staying this close with your ex isn’t helping you move on to better things since you’re still hanging around.
3. Over-analyzing Whose Fault It Was
Over-analyzing is a common factor that causes a break-up in a relationship. So over-analyzing after the end of the relationship isn’t going to make things better. People will say it’s over so there’s no point of trying to figure out whose fault is it and what went wrong. However, it isn’t necessarily wrong to bring the puzzle pieces together to see where things went south even when you’re no longer together. It’s when you over-do it that makes it wrong. Whether you feel resentment or guilt, it’s not a good habit to get accustomed to post break-up. According to Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., it’s important to acknowledge where you stand in terms of the problems but learn to grow from them. “If you gave it your best shot and you know it’s over, don’t waste time in resentment and anger,” Tessina says. “Do the grieving you need to do. Figure out how you helped create the problems (or stayed around for them) and decide to change what didn’t work before.”
2. Become Egotistic
One of the positives about breaking up is it gives both individuals the chance to grow and become better versions of themselves. It’s always a good thing when you decide to improve yourself. You’ll see that your next relationship, whether it’s with someone new or your ex, is much happier to be in because of the changes you made within yourself. This only happens if you’re willing to acknowledge your flaws and decide to change them. With that being said, refusing to accept where you went wrong and choosing not to change can be detrimental for the rest of your love life. If he broke up with you because you seek too much attention, try looking for ways to resolve that as opposed to looking for someone else to accept that from you. This can come off as egotistic and no one likes to be around people like that. It’s more likely you’re not going to find someone who’s going to love you for the whole person you are, including your flaws.
But as mentioned before, there’s a balance to this. Don’t overlook your flaws but that doesn’t mean you need to punish yourself for them. Tessina explains how breaking up is just a learning experience. “There’s no need to give yourself a hard time about it. Just process the information, so you don’t repeat mistakes.”
1. Getting Your Hopes Up
It’s essential to take a step back and think how you are going to recover, but realistically. However, with so many motivational quotes out there today, it’s easy to believe things are going to get better miraculously. Not so fast. It doesn’t necessarily work like that and it’s important to take note of this before you get your hopes up. Sometimes people wait for their lives to automatically become this fantasy but later get disappointed because they notice things aren’t going the way they want them to. This obviously can lead to stress and possibly depression. When they look at things more realistically, they get down on themselves and lose hope for everything to get better; the opposite of what is supposed to happen after a breakup. So it’s nice to have these resources to make ourselves feel better but only to a certain extent. Be productive and realistic when thinking about how you’re going to get over this person.