Everybody pees, poops and farts. It’s no secret. But some gross things happen to some people more than others. The elderly are more likely to be incontinent, co-eds are more likely to drink stale ale, and toddlers are more likely to drool. But what about differences in grossness between the sexes? Surely guys have it covered. They have body hair. They don’t cut their toenails. They grow skin tags between their legs. However, girls do the same things. What sets girls apart are that some gross things only happen to them, the so-called fairer sex.
With differences in the anatomy and physiology, there are gross things that only girls have to go through. And we’re not talking about menstrual cramps, the afterbirth or food crumbs in cleavage. We’re referring to nasty, godawful, rank stuff that happens only to girls – most of which they can’t even help. Guys, this list isn’t for the weak-kneed. We recommend that you sit down for this piece, because you are never, ever, going to look at your girlfriend, sister or mother the same way again. And girls – sorry in advance for exposing your dirty laundry.
13. Crap Stuck Under Fingernails
Girls get crap stuck under their fingernails. And by “crap,” we mean crap. Girls have long fingernails and, occasionally, when they wipe themselves they get some brown underneath their nails. When this happens they wash and wash, which is a good thing. But what’s gross is that they are never satisfied that they’re removed all of it… so they will spend the rest of the day sniffing their nails to make sure they don’t have any stuck-on odor. Girls with fake nails are the worst offenders. They get everything under their nails, including food and pimple puss. They usually don’t get boogers stuck under their nails, though. Fake nails make it almost impossible to pick one’s nose, so they resort to using Q-tips, bobby pins and paper clips.
12. V-Jay Lint
Men have it easy when they pee. They just shake, rattle and roll. But girls use toilet paper on their lady bits, and as a result they tend to get toilet paper stuck in their V-jays. Sometimes it’s a whole wad that’s just hanging out in there. But what’s worse is when they get covered with toilet paper lint. The lint will set up house in their folds, and can be difficult to remove – even in the shower. What every girl fears is getting lint stuck in her business, because it’s like a teeny tiny cavern when things go in but never come out. The smart girls know not to buy the soft, fancy toilet paper. The thicker it is, the more residue it leaves.
Ah, the nipples. They are super sensual until you remember that they have a non-sexual purpose. Mother’s milk comes from them, and you may find that cute if you’re a dad. But it gets gross when the milk comes out of its own accord. Many a mother has been embarrassed by leaking breasts. They have literally left a shirt soaking wet. That’s why so many women with infants wear sweaters. The fibers soak up the milk so it’s less noticeable. Honest to god, they do this. They’re moms, so we’ll give them a break. But when discharge comes out of nipples from women that aren’t pregnant or nursing, it gets disgusting. In some cases it’s totally normal, although it may be thick and sticky or wet and watery – and it comes in every color of the rainbow. But dudes, it’s never normal for your nips – so get those things checked if you notice leakage.
10. Maxi-Pad Problems
There are lots of gross things that are period-related. Stuck tampons, cramps and bloating are just a few. But the nastiest thing has got to be when girls wear pads during their periods. They are basically walking around wearing a diaper full of blood. And it gets worse from there. Unless a girl is freshly waxed, the blood that is sitting in the pad will cling to her pubic hair in an unholy alliance. The pad sticks to the blood and the blood sticks to her pubic hair. So when she pulls the pad off, it can be like ripping off a band aid on a hairy leg. Are you grossed out? You should be. Try having to clean up that mess.
9. Tampon Leakage
Sorry, fellas, but we have one more period-related item on this list. Tampons leave girls with the safe feeling that they can do anything when they’re on the rag. A consequence is that they get lulled into a false sense of security and forget they have their periods…until their tampons start to leak. At minimum, they wind up with slightly stained underwear. A worse fate is when they bleed through their underwear and have to stand at the sink during work, rinsing out their underwear; then, they have to go sans underwear for the rest of the day if they don’t have a spare pair. Some girls just throw out the dirty pair in the office bathroom trashcan. The worst fate, though, is when the leakage is so bad that it goes through a girl’s pants. That’s when it’s time to take a personal day! And good luck removing a soaked tampon. If you pull it out too fast the bathroom will look like a crime scene and girls will have to clean it up like an episode of CSI. Those things are spring loaded!
8. Wrong Hole
Every couple has been there one time or another. You’re in the heat of the moment and everything is going great… until there’s one slip and you miss the intended hole. The lucky couples just go for it, whether they are comfortable with each other or are just kinky. Other couples find this to be something out of a horror movie. A girl may find that she isn’t as clean as she’d like, and will be totally embarrassed by this contact sport. She’ll be afraid she got something on her man, on the sheets, or just be humiliated by the smell. She’ll do a mental run-through in her mind of everything she ate that day, and hope she didn’t have any corn, nuts or seeds.
Girls experience dryness. No, we’re not talking about dry skin that can alleviated by some hand cream. We’re referring to the other kind of dryness, and it can be from the outside in. If a girl’s lady bits are dry, it will drive her insane. She literally has an itch she can’t scratch. If it’s an inside itch, there isn’t much she can do except to squirm about like she has ants up her panties. If it’s an outside itch, she can scratch – but it isn’t as socially acceptable for women to scratch in between their legs as it is for men. So, girls are left having to scratch under the table, or hold their purse in front of their crotch before they go to town.
6. Yeast Infections
Yeast infections are a serious condition, causing a sampler platter of vaginal issues. There’s itching, burning, soreness and pain. But the grossest thing is the discharge. Another cringe-worthy aspect of the yeast infection is the treatment. Doctors really do recommend that girls use Monistat. The “medicine” comes in a long tube shaped like a tampon that girls have to cram up in them. Due to the laws of physics, the cream won’t stay up there, so girls will spend the next few hours on their backs with their legs pointed toward the heavens, trying to keep the cream in. Guys, it’s basically the same trick girls use when they are trying to encourage your swimmers to find their way.
Queefing is when a woman’s V-Jay makes a fart sound. Generally, this happens during intercourse. It can be a real mood killer – especially when it’s one of those wet fart sounds. There’s a scientific explanation for the whole thing. It’s simply trapped air coming out. Why does this happen? Part of it has to do with a woman’s anatomy. Air can get trapped because a woman’s insides have folds. But part of it has to do with men. During intercourse, the thrusting in and out puts air in, and pushes it out. So, it takes two to tango. So guys, help your girl out if she’s queefing a lot: slow down.
4. Urinary Tract Infections
Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs) are common in the female population. They usually occur after a girl fails to urinate after doing the deed, because then bacteria doesn’t have a chance to be expelled. Girls usually fail to pee afterwards because they’re lazy. Their laziness gets them into further trouble because they tend not to treat the UTI at first. And that’s where the grossness begins. Serious UTIs result in a severe urgency to pee. When this happens, it happens fast – and girls often can’t make it to the bathroom in time. They literally wet their pants. But this doesn’t just happen once. A really bad UTI causes girls to feel a life or death need to pee. They will experience this sensation frequently throughout the day, and make multiple trips to the bathroom – only to let out a couple of drops of urine each time. Girls get tired of bathroom runs. So what do they do? They just keep peeing their pants, a couple of little drops at a time. They’ll pee in their pants on the way home from a party, at the grocery store, and while they’re watching TV. Once they start to develop a rash, that’s usually when the laziness stops and they go see a doctor – who then sends them to the hospital.
3. Stank Undies
Men have stank undies, usually because of skid marks. But boxers are made of thick cotton and can hide trouble spots, and tightie-whities can be bleached. Girls who wear thongs have the stankest panties of them all. Since a thong gets shoved up a girl’s crack, it comes in contact with every bodily fluid imaginable. Since thongs are so tiny, they don’t get cleaned well in the washing machine. Over time, girls wind up with two distinct sections on their thongs: the front has a yellowish discoloration due to the “milky white discharge” we learned about in health class, while the back always has a brown spot. This brown spot leads to many infections, from yeast infections to UTIs. What’s even more repugnant is that girls will trade undies.
Have you ever heard of splinting? No, in this case it’s not for setting broken bones – that would be far less gross. Don’t be shy if you haven’t heard of it, because even many girls aren’t aware of this technique used to relieve constipation. When a woman is having difficulty getting a bowel movement out, the stool may push on her vaginal wall which is on the other side of the wall of her rectum. So, a doctor may recommend that she insert her fingers and push on the “bulge” that the stool forms. This pressure essentially pushes the poop out. The grossest thing is that many women find this most effective when they are in the crouching position. Let’s just say that when it’s successful, it’s a home run.
1. The Hippy Hippy Shake
After a round of lovin’, girls have to do the lion’s share of washing up. Guys just need a good rinse, but girls have to clean a lot of stuff. The hardest thing they have to do is the hippy hippy shake. Basically, that’s when girls have to do tiny little jumps up and down while swinging their hips to free stuff. Calisthenics are not how girls want to spend their post-coital time. But neither is sleeping in the wet spot so they do the hippy hippy shake. The grossest part is that they have to eyeball the goop in order to make sure it all came out. As an alternative, some girls like to sit on the toilet.