Guilty Pleasure: (noun) something, such as a movie, television program, or piece of music, that one enjoys despite feeling that it is not generally held in high regard.
Devouring an entire Kit Kat bar from the safety and comfort of your car or office cubicle is a guilty pleasure. Telling your friends you can’t go out because you’ve already made plans when you really just plan on watching a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon is a guilty pleasure. Enjoying an extra slice of cake or getting a haircut are not guilty pleasures. Those are merely just pleasures.
Here are 12 weird things that make women happy that they don’t particularly like to share. Seriously, who would want others to know that they dance around in their underwear to Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never”?!
12. Nail Polish
You look down and see you have a chip in your beautifully manicured fingernails. You start kicking yourself for digging in your purse for your cellphone before waiting for the damn polish to completely dry! Ugh! Well there is only one thing to do. You must peel the 9 other nails off.
As young girls our mothers bought us the nail press on stickers that lasted an hour before we started peeling them off. There’s something challenging and therapeutic about the intricate process of peeling polish off our nails. The thrill of getting a large chunk off with one scratch. The difficult task of getting glitter polish to come off. Digging into your cuticle to get that last bit of polish off.
In order for women not to pick polish off, all 10 fingernails must be immaculate. There must be no chips, smudges, or air bubbles. If there are any of those things, the polish is just asking to be picked and peeled off.
11. You Still Got It, Girlfriend!
You may apply to either of these types: You’re not single but you love to be hit on every once in awhile. It’s nice and reassuring to know that you still got it. You are single and you regularly get hit on. It’s nice but ‘Ew…go away. I’m out with my friends. Boys have cooties!’
Sometimes you might feign annoyance and disgust with being hit on but deep down you do feel a sense of relief. Now, this doesn’t apply to the sleazy guys at the bar that would hit on a bar stool if it appeared to show interest in them. It applies to the genuine nice guy that shows real interest; sending a drink your way while you are hanging out with your girlfriends, paying you a compliment, asking for your phone number.
10. Seeing The Misfortunes of Your High School Nemesis
Everyone was teased at one time or another by someone during the school years. Whether it was junior high or high school, you were picked on. Now there might be some that argue with the next point but if you do, the BS meter just went off.
It makes you utterly happy and beaming ear-to-ear when you either happen to bump into the person that teased you or catch a glimpse of them on Facebook…and the years have not been too kind.
It is definitely a guilty pleasure to see the b*tchy, popular girl that picked on you relentlessly in high school turn into a future contestant for The Biggest Loser. The varsity football captain that turned down your prom invitation in front of the entire school turn into an aspiring night manager at Quickie Mart. Do you sort of feel guilty for having a little bit of satisfaction for the misfortunes of others? Yes. No. Maybe? It all depends on the extent of the teasing.
9. Perfect Parallel Parking
You know the feeling. You are trying to find a parking spot and all that’s left is a parallel parking spot right on downtown main street. Beads of sweat start forming on your forehead as you see the cars backing up behind you in the rear view mirror.
Your brain tells you that the sidewalk is full of people staring. You begin to imagine people with their cellphones out taking video of the dummy that’s doing the world’s worst parallel parking job. You are certain you will be the next viral YouTube sensation.
The impossible happens! You suddenly find yourself parked perfectly between two cars! You just parallel parked your car like you have been doing it for years. The anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach has melted away. You are feeling like you just climbed Mount Everest! You exit your car with your head held high, cheesy smile on your face. You feel like taking a bow but decide that might be a little much.
8. Being 1st To Go At A 4-Way Stop
Oh, the joy when you are approaching a 4-way stop and you see 3 other vehicles about the same distance away from the other 3 signs. You proceed to lay on the gas, just a touch, as you want to make it to the stop sign before the other 3 but make it look like it was completely unplanned and just a bit of good luck. You come to a screeching halt and thankfully it was quite obvious that you were the first one there. You just hate it when there’s the awkwardness of “Should I go?” or “Should I not go?” as you glance around at the other drivers who are in the same predicament.
Oh the thrill of hitting the gas as you drive through the intersection. You try to contain yourself but a smirk sneaks across your face. You feel the sudden urge to do the Miss America wave but just do it quickly in your head.
The cuticle from hell has been driving you nuts all day. Every time you try to pull it off it starts to bleed. It doesn’t just bleed a tiny drop and then stop. It starts and stops throughout the course of the day. You could be in a meeting or at church and the sucker starts bleeding all over the place. Of course, you have no band aids on you so you have to try to hold it against your jeans or dig in your purse to find a bit of kleenex to put on it. Now what to do about the smeared blood all over your fingers?
By the end of the day you’ve finally had enough and decide to grab the clippers to take care of it, however, even though you have a dozen pair of clippers in this house you can’t find a single one.
After finding a pair of clippers at the bottom of your purse, you snip the sucker off. The feeling is pure joy. Why didn’t you do this earlier? Because you’re stubborn and wanted to pull it off yourself, not resort to clippers.
6. Fitted Sheet
There are plenty of how-to videos offering tips and tricks on how to fold a fitted sheet. Here’s the thing, folding a fitted sheet is always a headache!
When doing laundry you purposely save those fitted sheets for last. You can’t stand them. You dread getting to them but you press on and pick the first one up. You try and recall the how-to video of Martha Stewart shoving one corner in and then the other corner and then magically folding it in to a perfect rectangle. Okay. Not working. You decide to attempt to fold it like a towel. It comes out looking like a wadded up sheet. Last try. You put one foot in one corner and another foot in the opposite corner and stretch the two sides together. Dear God! Who invented this stupid thing?!
Fitted sheets are ridiculous. The best thing that can be done with a fitted sheet is crumpling it up into a ball and shoving it into a drawer. It is the best feeling in the world to just shove that god-awful fitted sheet into the back of the drawer and slam the drawer shut. Out of sight, out of mind. You stare into your empty laundry basket. You feel a wave of bliss.
Orgasmic. That’s the only word to describe the feeling of popping that little black monster out of the pore on your face. The greater the struggle, the better the feeling!
You’ve washed your face when suddenly you notice a darker than normal pore. You pull out the magnified mirror to take a closer look. Holy sh*t! Upon closer inspection, that isn’t an unfortunate large pore, it’s a disgusting blackhead! You run to your beauty arsenal. You return to the mirror with tweezers, a blackhead remover tool, cotton swabs, and antiseptic. Game on, blackhead! You wage war with the nasty thing for over an hour.
You win the Battle of the Blackhead. The feeling is orgasmic.
It’s 3am. You can’t sleep. You click on YouTube and get sucked into watching video after video of AllThatGlitters21 or MeganLovesMakeup. From massive clothing halls to makeup tutorials. You start creating mental lists of things you need to buy from Walgreens and Forever 21.
You listen intently to life advice being offered by 16 year olds who intertwine their years of wisdom on relationships with showing how to apply acrylic nails. It’s weirdly relaxing. It’s not as weirdly relaxing as Gentlewhispering and the ASMR videos but pretty close! (If you don’t know what ASMR videos are, it’s a very curious community that create softly spoken YouTube videos).
3. Coca Cola
Don’t kid yourself. Even if you’ve sworn off all soda pop for the remainder of your life and now only drink kombucha and organic chai tea, there is nothing better than that very first sip of a Coca Cola. Not Diet Coke. Not Pepsi. Not a fountain Coke. Coke from a red can.
When you crack the top you can almost hear a chorus of angels singing. When that first sip is greeted by your mouth, O.M.G. Channing Tatum could walk by pants-less and you would seriously not even flinch. The first sip of a Coca Cola is an amazing, wonderful, glorious feeling.
The rest of the Coke is fine. It’s good but doesn’t come even close to being as good as that first sip. That would be like comparing a backyard swing set to Disney World.
2. New Razor
That first stroke of a new razor up your leg. Hallelujah! That smooth stripe going up your leg feels amazing. It’s the same type of thrill you get from opening up a blank notebook or starting a new book.
It’s childish and fun to lather up the shave gel and pretend you’re frosting your legs. Then, using a brand new razor to make a nice stripe through the white lather. Afterwards if there are no nicks or left behind stray hairs you do a happy dance and then have to keep touching your legs.
No matter how good the razor is, it will never give as good of shave as it did the very first time you use it.
1. Mirror, Mirror On The Wall
Chances are you know the date, time, and the exact coordinates of the store you were at when you experienced a flattering dressing room mirror. They are one-in-a-million and sadly some women will go their entire lives without having met a flattering dressing room mirror.
When you walk into a dressing room it feels like you are walking into a session with an invisible psychologist. You walk in a bit nervous, a bit anxious. You think about turning back once or twice but ultimately decide to go in.
You strip off and glance up. The lights glare down on every lump and bump. Your slightly too snug underwear accentuate all your flaws. Dear God. You tell yourself you are going on the no food diet immediately. Now, for the one-in-a-million meet up with a flattering dressing room mirror. You walk in, strip off, and ‘WOW!’. The lights are dim but emit a warm glow as to make you appear nice and tan. Lumps and bumps are nowhere in sight. Your legs go on for miles! You are loving life! This magical high translates to more money spent at the cash register. It’s odd that more stores don’t realize how god-awful their mirrors are. You note the store in your iPhone. You will definitely be returning!