Everyone is friends with one or two of those mythological couples who actually marry the person they dated in high school. For the sake of this article, let’s call this couple Mr. and Mrs. Smith, not to be confused with the Brangelina version of Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith are cute, adorable even. They are so adorable that their Facebook engagement announcement released a special kind of stomach acid to those of us who weren’t so lucky, to those of us who endure Tinder, sexting and text message analysis. Wouldn’t it have been great to marry your high school sweetheart? If you married the person you dated in high school, you wouldn’t have had to endure the years of bad dates with possible psychopaths.
The fact that Mr. and Mrs. Smith found their soulmates at the young age of 16 and avoided the years of STD scares and pregnancy scares may make you envious, but there is something you have that they won’t ever have: a lot of weird sexual experiences. People who marry their high school sweethearts may not have to endure swimming in the sea full of single weirdos but they also miss out on a sea full of sexual experiences. Assuming one marries their high school sweetheart and stays faithful, here are the 10 types of sexual experiences that they miss out on.
10. The One Night Stand
Since Mr. and Mrs. Smith married their high school sweethearts, neither of them would have ever had the opportunity to have a true one night stand. They will have never have the experience of going to a bar, meeting a stranger and engaging in a night of completely anonymous sex, followed by a morning free of any strings attached. There is no awkward text or date or follow up. It is just a night of sex with a stranger. While the one night stand may not be for everyone, it can be a completely freeing experience, as you don’t have to worry about seeing this person ever again. Your friends who married their high school sweethearts will never know about the sweet freedom that comes with this type of anonymity. Bonus points: Mr. and Mrs. Smith with never know how extra sweet this sexual freedom becomes when the one night stand is with a bartender who didn’t charge you for any drinks. Cha-ching!
9. The Clinger
Whether you intended to engage in a one night stand or just a more casual relationship, the clinger does not know that and will not accept that. After sleeping with a clinger, you can expect text messages and social media requests the very next morning. Also, clingers are often like killers in horror movies. You may think they are dead, but they always come back. Five years later, when you live in another state and have two children, you will receive a text saying, “You left an impression on me :)” from your clinger. They never die. Mr. and Mrs. Smith have never had to deal with these absurd humans called clingers. This is because Mr. and Mrs. Smith are clingers who haven clung to their high school sweethearts.
8. Sex With Someone Inappropriate
This sexual encounter can come into your life in many forms: your boss, your teacher, your friend’s ex, or maybe just someone who is completely wrong for you. Whatever the case may be, you will know that this person is wrong for you and that this sexual relationship is doomed but that actually works as an aphrodisiac. The unlikelihood of functional relationship in the future makes everything very bittersweet and very sexy in a way that Mr. and Mrs. Smith will never experience. Bonus points: If the relationship is so inappropriate that you have to keep it a secret. Secret sex is a turn on that Mr. and Mrs. Smith will never know.
7. Sex With Someone You Work With
While this falls under the category of “sex with someone inappropriate,” it deserves special shout out for it’s prominence. Whatever your job may be, relationships of a sexual nature are bound to happen in the workplace, regardless of what HR has to say about it. It’s quite easy to fall into. First of all, most people who work in the same field will often have mutual interests and things in common. Between the long hours and stress, grabbing a drink together after work can quickly turn into a sexual experience. Whether it is a one time thing or turns into a relationship, returning to work after doing the deed can feel naughty and exhilarating. The most Mr. and Mrs. Smith can hope for is workplace crush, which is lame in comparison.
6. The Worst Sex
Assuming that no one would marry their high school sweetheart if they were awful at sex, though they wouldn’t have much to compare it to, Mr. and Mrs. Smith will miss out on the worst sex of their lives. One may say that they would happily miss out on this one but it serves not only as a lesson of what one should not to do in bed but also as a great anecdote to tell your friends. Whether he or she is on top of you like a jackhammer, or he or she is lying there like a dead fish, it’s sex that you would never willingly repeat, unless, for some reason, you already finished the new season of House of Cards and no one else answers your text – but that’s another story. The silver lining of experience the worst sex of your life is that it’s all uphill from here. Mr. and Mrs. Smith won’t get the pleasure of knowing it’s uphill but rather that it will be status quo from 16 on.
5. Sex With Someone Way Too Young For You
Since Mr. and Mrs. Smith basically married someone their exact same age, they will never have sex with someone who is way too young for them. Of course, this type of sex should only really be had once someone is close to thirty, otherwise you may be in for a rude awakening in the form of a criminal charge. That being said, having sex with someone younger than you can reinvigorate your passion for sex. They are young, curious and excited by sex in a way you once were. Plus, playing the role of teacher can be pretty sexy.
4. Sex With Someone Way Too Old For You
Just like sex with someone way too young for you, having sex with someone way too old for you can’t really be achieved when you marry your high school sweetheart. Unfortunately, Mr. and Mrs. Smith will never experience their very own Mrs. Robinson. In this scenario, you are in the young, curious and excited role while your Mrs. Robinson is in the teacher role. There is a certain thrill in sleeping with someone way too old for you. They’ve experienced a different life than you have. They have different memories of world events. They are more sexually experienced. In any case, there is nothing to make you feel like your most young and desirable self than sleeping with someone older than you.
3. Hate Sex
Unless Mr. and Mrs. Smith have actually grown to hate each other, they will never experience hate sex. Hate sex is difficult to actually achieve as you must find someone you hate on many levels but still find psychically attractive. They will drive you crazy on a daily basis, but the sexually chemistry will drive you crazy as well. There is nothing quite like getting the frustration you have with someone’s personality out through a sexual encounter with them. Sure, having sex with someone you don’t particularly like can be a little confusing emotionally but the rush from it is amazing.
2. Sex With An Ex
Sex with an ex is the devil’s food. There is something both erotic and comforting about having sex with an ex. You release pent up frustrations and unexpressed feelings toward this person but at the same, fall into that certain sexual rhythm that you had together. The odd experience of remembering how your two bodies work together can only happen while you’re having sex with an ex. This bittersweet sex cannot be enjoyed by Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who probably weren’t sexually active with too many exes before they got together.
1. Super Kinky Sex
Leather, bondage, role play – these are just a few things that people who marry their high school sweethearts miss out. Now, that’s not to say that there aren’t a few people who find pleasure in tying up the sweet girl they started dating when they were 15, but it’s few and far between. When it comes down to it, you just don’t go into someone’s back door if you knew them when they had braces. Mr. and Mrs. Smith miss out on basically every sexual experience described in 50 Shades of Grey. Sure, you may have been scared by that girl who was into asphyxiation or that guy who liked face shots. Maybe it pushed you out of your comfort zone, but at the very least, you’ll have a hilarious PTS (post-traumatic sex) story to tell your friends while Mr. and Mrs. Smith are stuck telling another story about how their dog/child/hermit crab is sick.