Hey, doing the deed is great! That’s what people say anyway. The thing is, getting down and dirty is a pretty intimate expression of affection. It’s a physical manifestation of desire and lust and sometimes emotions that are stronger than those. Other times it can just be a thing that feels good. You won’t necessarily always be “in love” with the person that you are getting it on with. Whether you save yourself for “Mr.” or “Mrs. Right” or you are just looking for anything that moves and consents, there are some do’s and do not’s in the bedroom.
Being naked and that close to someone is potentially a very vulnerable moment for both you and your partner. It is worth it to be aware of, and respectful of that. If you have the tendency to say things that come off as rude, off-color or just plain bizarre, then you should really take the time to think about the implications of what you’re about to say, before you say it. What do we mean by that?
Take a look at this list of 10 things you should never say to a woman after your first time in the sack. Some items are comical, some are extremely weird, and others will just make you shake your head.
10. My Friend Wants To Join
What are you thinking?!
Let’s clarify this a bit. We aren’t saying that you cannot engage in multiple person action. Swinging, sharing partners, and all that group stuff is totally cool if that is what you and your partner both want to do.
That being said, if you have never slept with this woman before, and you have never talked about the possibility of a friend of yours joining in after you finish, then don’t even bother asking! We wish the list didn’t go downhill from here, but trust me, there are even stupider things that can be uttered after you two get it on.
9. I’m A Virgin
Uhhh…huh. You don’t say… Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin. Nothing wrong at all. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But there is a time and a place to share this information, and right after you have lost your virginity probably isn’t it.
If you want to let your partner know that you’ve never done it before, you should definitely tell her. But you’re going to want to do that before the two of you get between the sheets. “Taking” someone’s virginity isn’t the biggest deal on the sex spectrum–but it is still a deal. Be a respectful chap and let her know your situation up front. If you don’t want to admit to being a virgin outright, try a line like “I’m inexperienced and it makes me a little apprehensive.” Who knows, maybe you’ll be with a partner that loves being a teacher!
8. You Won’t Poop Right For Weeks!
Yeah, so this is pretty weird. It’s even weirder if the two of you didn’t have any intercourse that offered some rear entry… But(t), regardless of the positions and types of intercourse you had, do not tell her she’ll have trouble with her bowel movements.
First of all, girls don’t poop. Allegedly. We cannot verify either way. Second, you shouldn’t be proud of messing up a bodily function as vital to one’s health as waste excretion. Hopefully, no one is going around saying this. It would get some pretty strange reactions. It could also make your first time with her your last time with her. Nobody wants to be known as the “poop guy.”
7. Did You Finish?
Yeaaaahhhh this one! Overtly this one does not seem so bad. You could generally be curious, and maybe you’re even asking for selfless reasons instead of the ol’ ego stroke. The problem here comes from a psychological standpoint. It could be a really sensitive subject.
If you don’t know if she had an orgasm, it’s likely that she did not. Plenty of women cannot reach their peak from traditional penetration alone. Maybe she’s never even had one before in her life, and if that’s the case, it almost definitely didn’t happen with you after the first time. You don’t want to be drawing attention to that fact and accidentally making her self-conscious and more disappointed.
6. That Was Fast…
This one could go either way; by that we mean the guy could say or the girl could say it, and either way it’s kind of inappropriate.
If you’re a guy saying this to a girl, why? You aren’t going to stop if she peaks first since she does not have a refractory period, or “down time” after she climaxes. So that would mean you’re commenting on how quickly it went at your own expense. There could be a situation where this is appropriate, perhaps. Say, for example, you didn’t mean to finish yourself that quickly and you want to make a joke out of it.
If you’re a woman saying it, it’s the same kinda deal as why men shouldn’t ask women if they finished. It could be a sensitive subject. Being hyper-aware of a premature ejaculation situation isn’t going to make it any easier for your man to last longer. Have a nice, sensitive talk about it instead!
5. Do You Mind Trimming?
Hey now, body image decisions regarding her body shouldn’t really involve you. Unless she asks for your opinion directly, don’t be rude and bring this up.
An easy topic for people to slip up on deals with a female’s hair downstairs. Bush or no bush is a decision that seems to be mostly cosmetic. If she asks you what you prefer, feel free to let her know. If she doesn’t ask, you’re better off keeping your mouth shut. Or, at the very least, you should wait for a better time to talk about it. Your first encounter is not the time to talk body maintenance and aesthetics!
4. You Are Hot, You Probably Have X Amount of Years Left
This one is definitely rude. Saying anything about her age is probably a bad idea. If you say something about her age that also implies she has an expiration date, you are going to be in some serious hot water.
Not only will this make her self-conscious, but it also suggests you won’t be hanging around very long. We already said that love doesn’t have to exist in order for sex to be successful and satisfying for two individuals. But there is a time and a place for everything. Bringing up the impermanence of the relationship and of the woman’s “prime years” is a bad idea.
3. I Don’t Mind If You Finish Yourself
We mentioned earlier how it’s not as easy for all females to reach their climax. Part of this could be because the man isn’t able to keep up the right rhythm for a long enough period of time. The best pace might end up getting him off before it gets her off! There are ways around this, like stimulating her other areas before busting out the “big show.” Ten to twenty minutes of the right kind of stimulation can lead to a much more attainable orgasm for a lot of women.
Climbing on top of a woman, pumping five times, finishing, and then climbing off and telling her she can finish herself is not the way to handle the situation. So don’t do it that way.
When you finish into your protection, that should be the end of it. Follow the instructions on the condom wrapper for proper disposal. It usually involves removing the used rubber carefully with a tissue and putting it right into the trash. Then washing your privates with warm water and soap.
Do not be weird about it. A good way to not be weird is just to throw it out. Don’t hold it up and ask her if she wants to “hang on to it” as a “token” of your maiden voyage together. No one wants to keep a used rubber! Get it together, man!
1. I Love You
“Time and place” is an idea that’s surfaced more than once on this list. It’s easy to remember and it might even help you censor that wild mouth of yours, right after you get intimate with a woman for the first time. If it’s your first in bed… well, that doesn’t mean you have to love each other.
If you’ve been saving yourself for marriage and this is your wedding night, saying “I love you” could be appropriate. We aren’t saying you should never say this one. But don’t be the guy who says it when it is totally inappropriate to say! Like a first time hookup after meeting hours or days earlier.