Have you opened up a men’s magazine recently? What’s in there? The same basic stuff, right? Most men’s magazines have some combination of cigars, trucks, alcohol, and sports somewhere throughout the magazine. It’s simple and clear: it’s all man.
Now, open up a woman’s magazine. Wait, that wouldn’t be fair, because there are so many different versions of magazines targeted towards women. There are some for moms, athletic women, homemakers, single girls, and the ones who like celebrity gossip. There are magazines for women who cook, who are about to get married, who just got divorced, and even those who are interested in fashion. So, the evidence is clear that women have about 15,000 moving parts of their brain whereas men have 2 – maybe 3.
When it comes to what drives a woman wild, sorting through all those moving parts is virtually impossible for regular folk. Men tend to think the bigger they build their muscles, the faster their car, or the bigger their bank account, the more women will swoon. Notice how most of those guys who focus on those things are single? Despite all that showing off, those guys are watching adult movies on Saturday night like everyone else – alone.
This is because women aren’t driven wild by appearances the same way men are. They’re driven wild by what’s – gulp – on the inside. But there’s hope. Behold the 10 things that drive a woman wild, in list form, which is totally unusual for these kinds of articles.
10. Quality Time
Quality time? What the hell does that even mean? It’s easy. Quality time is time that is not spent playing video games, watching hockey, or hanging out with bros from high school. It’s not even having sex which is, of course, insane. Quality time is just time she considers as an opportunity to share with someone. It could be watching television. It could be watching the sunrise. It could be just sitting around talking. It could be just about anything that involves a connection between her and that other person. There are some specific things that should be excluded from quality time. Do not talk about “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, her friend’s figure – no matter how amazing – or how much a buddy puked at his 21st birthday party. She won’t be interested.
Put down the acoustic guitar. Stop writing the flowery poems. This isn’t sensitivity as it’s popularly defined. It does not drive a woman wild to hear a guy pour out his feelings in a song. Recognizing she’s had a rough day does. Writing a long poem about trees and sunsets won’t get her excited. On the other hand, knowing the right thing to say to someone who suffered a tragedy will get her going. So, before ripping a fart near her when she’s on the phone with a distressed friend, be sensitive to her situation. A little bit can go a really long way.
The touch in question is the more sensual kind – not the kind that gets people broken in half inside of a strip club. Women enjoy a certain kind of touch. It’s the reassuring, light, non-groping kind of touch. It’s a unique balance between showing she’s worth touching, but not violating. So, give her a foot rub and resist the urge to start licking her toes. She may not like that. If there’s a green light, rub several fingers down her arm, but don’t stroke her like a housecat. Feel free to give a back rub, but let her take the lead on a front rub. Mastering this kind of touch will almost always drive her wild.
7. Tell Her You Want Her
Remember the last girl who wasn’t interested? Remember when she saw the campsite set up outside her window and called the police? Remember how embarrassing it was when the judge said the state looks down on stalking? It didn’t matter how many signals she gave, the unrequited love stings.
Women are no different. In fact, they avoid rejection like earthquakes and snakes. So, if the person who digs them actually says something about it, she’s more likely to help close the deal. Now, when that prison release date comes up in 6-8 months, tell that special girl how important she really is. Just check in with the parole office first.
Don’t confuse brains with an education. Sometimes, the two are usually completely unrelated to one another. All “brains” means is that someone doesn’t take things at face value, they think critically about situations, and they’re logical in their decision-making. Smart people are often funny, can more easily solve problems, and regulate their behavior.
This is all professor talk for describing someone who won’t get himself killed by lighting a bottle rocket stuck between his butt cheeks. He’ll stick around long enough to go to the movies with her again and again. And that, friends, drives her wild.
This may seem crazy, but women talk – about everything. Seriously, it’s everything. The last conversation she had with her girlfriend probably lasted hours. They may have discussed her last boyfriend, the weather, or how cute her shoes were. The last conversation with her sisters, friends, or co-workers may have lasted way longer, and gone way deeper, than anticipated.
God only knows why, but a smart person can use this to their advantage. Get her talking and start talking back. Ask her about her favorite place to vacation. Talk about her dog. Ask her what her favorite restaurant is. If there’s at least one conversation with her that doesn’t involve staring at her chest, then there’s chance. The reason? Talking builds intimacy. Intimacy is the foundation for getting freaky. No one knows who made the rules, but those are the rules – use wisely.
Let’s be clear: this doesn’t mean that she should know about that great Ninja Turtle theft of the 2nd grade. She won’t care. Don’t open up about every stupid thing done in high school either. That’ll just scare her.
But just like her partners would want her to be honest about past relationships, she expects the same. This also means being honest about feelings – yes, feelings – all of the time. This may mean coming clean as to why the neighbor’s kid has a striking resemblance to her new partner. Be upfront, be direct, and be with her as a result.
Don’t get it twisted – everyone is confident about something. It could be the “Neighborhood’s Most Gifted Halo Player” award from 2008. It could even be the ability to rattle off every line from Caddyshack. No matter how ridiculous it seems, everyone is confident about something. She picks up on that.
If a person can combine the brains, honesty, talking, with some quality time, she will learn what inspires confidence in a future mate and it’ll excite her to see that person act that way. See how all these things work together? Now, go polish off that Halo trophy and show it to her. Just don’t go into too much depth about it. It’s weird.
This is probably the hardest thing to do on this list. Between men and women, women are much more willing to put in the work to listen. They listen to everyone, too. They may even listen to their crazy neighbor when he talks about how adorable his cats are. Men don’t have this same gene and women understand that so they don’t expect men to listen as much.
But that’s where a smart person can fill the gap! She won’t expect men to listen so if someone actually listens to her as she talks about what color she wants to paint her toenails, then it’ll drive her wild. It’s kind of like running a mile. It’s hard and God does it hurt, but it gets easier the more often it’s done.
Who doesn’t like someone who makes them laugh? Think about the funniest guy in the room. He or she could be a friend, colleague, or a family member. Now, think about how it feels every time they’re around. Even if the relationship is non-sexual, think about how much more often people gravitate toward them.
The reason for this is because it just feels good to be around someone who is hilarious. For the under informed, women attach themselves to people who make them feel good… A guy who is funny can handle the big and small stressors in life with a bit of humor. He won’t freak out if his kung pao chicken didn’t come with the soy sauce he ordered. He’ll let it roll off his back and say something like, “No soy sauce? Challenge accepted Mr. Pao.” In these instances, she’ll relax. When she’s relaxed – bow chicka bow wow.