We’ve all been there at some point, wondering where it all went wrong and why you are facing a tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. You got dumped, they ghosted or they flat out told you they are no longer interested in continuing the glorious relationship, at least you thought, once was. Sometimes we are blindsided by this news and sometimes we see it coming, but maybe choose to ignore the warning signs. Either way, there are common mistakes all people do when entering a new relationship, sometimes causing it to fail from the get go.
Mistakes can range from little annoying habits to big no nos, but it’s beneficial to know when to draw the line on making them as well as putting up with them from a partner. Communication is key, so voicing what bothers you instead of letting it build up inside can actually save your relationship in the long run. Every relationship won’t be perfect, because after all we are human and can be sketchy, irritating and inconsiderate at times.
You know that feeling you get sometimes when you know something is off? It’s this certainty you feel, an intuition, a spidey sense we all have naturally when something just isn’t quite right in your relationship or about your partner. Maybe you get it when things are starting to nose dive and fall into the deep end and poof! It’s over. When looking back on what went wrong maybe you will find one of these 10 mistakes you make when starting a new relationship…
10. Defining the Relationship (DTR)
Defining the relationship is tricky because it is all about timing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to know where you stand with somebody, but the proper amount of time spent together must pass. Asking the classic “what are we?” after date number two or three is a little intense and can easily make your prospect flee. DTR helps to create boundaries and expectations within a couple. It allows them to be on the same page, especially when it comes to seeing other people.
Modern day relationships are filled with ambiguity, and one person usually becomes more committed than the other in the early stages. Take the time to get to know each other, see how compatible you are together. Are you eager to know the status because you just want to be in a relationship, or do you genuinely like this person. You can come across as needy and desperate when demanding to know what this is so early on in the game. Don’t stay in limbo forever not knowing but gage your timing and if the person is really into you, they will not head for the hills because their mind is where yours is.
9. Talking About Your Ex
The famous ex, the one that got away, the one that broke your heart, wherever they stand with you right now, it is a good idea to stay mum. The ex will come up at some point but it’s best to keep it at a minimum because your new love really doesn’t want to hear about them whether it is good or bad news. If you speak about all the good times and how wonderful they were, your partner will feel competition and wonder if your heart is still with them, reminiscing and all. If you mention that you had this volatile, up and down romance and that they are a monster to you now, your partner will think you’re capable of talking badly about them, if things don’t work out between the two of you. It is a lose/lose situation, so in order to win just keep it to yourself. The past is in the past and there are no benefits from dwelling there, move forward creating new memories with your current partner and seal those lips.
8. Being Too Clingy
At the beginning of a new romance, we usually spend all our time together and enthralled in the puppy love vibe. That is all fine and dandy, but when it continues into overkill, this is where you are messing up. Constant phone calls and texting when you are apart is annoying; nobody wants their phone emitting smoke because of your obsession with them. Think about when you first got together, you had a whole life full of things that make you, you. The way you spent your time and the activities and accomplishments you were doing is probably a huge reason why they were attracted to you in the first place. Don’t throw all of your independence out the window just because you are with someone new. It’s important to have a life outside of your relationship, so that *gasp* if you do find yourself single again, you have a lot to fall back on. Nobody likes a clinger, so break free of that obsessive behavior and focus on other things when you find yourself fixating.
7. Getting Too Serious Too Fast
The vision is in your head of the perfect home life with your new love. You have a nice home, kids, the white picket fence, the pure bred golden retriever and life is just wonderful. The only problem is, you’re not quite there yet. People are so quick to rush things in a new relationship that before you know it, they’re having the “things are moving too fast” talk. Sure, it’s exciting to finally be with someone you can see yourself having a stable future with, but hold off on the monogrammed hand-towels and let some time pass first. Ask yourself why you are speeding things up so soon. Is it because you really like the person or you just want to lock things down? Fast forwarding a relationship can enforce pressure onto your partner which can cause problems in the future if things were rushed too quickly. Slow down the pace a little and enjoy the relationship milestones as they come. Letting things happen naturally is always such a better feeling than a forced situation that isn’t so genuine.
6. Revealing Too Much Too Soon
When you are in a relationship, it is a natural feeling to want to share everything with your partner. It goes to say that you feel comfortable opening up and trust them enough with your darkest secrets. However, revealing intense facts about your life when you first begin dating can come across as heavy and depending on what it is, intimidating. When you spend a lot of time together, you naturally get to know each other in a deeper way. If after an allotted time, when you both have grown to like each other a lot, it doesn’t seem so crazy to share a few things you don’t normally do. The better your partner has come to know you, the more open they are to understanding or overlooking those skeletons in your closet because *gasp* they’ve grown to love you.
Human cognition is to judge and be judged in return, unconsciously and quickly whether you realize it or not. Reveal what you wish when you feel secure in the relationship and about your partner. You never know exactly how things will end, and if it doesn’t work out that person can blab about you. Everyone has a past but it is up to you to reveal what you are comfortable with at your own pace.
5. Ignoring Red Flags
It is easy to let things slide when we begin a new relationship because we are hoping that the person is perfect and everything goes along swimmingly. Reality check, that’s not how life works. People make mistakes, just like you and people are definitely far from perfect. Knowing this, we choose to accept our partners as they come and never try to change them (trust us, it doesn’t work). Where do we draw the line between a person with flaws and a person who straight up is just not treating you properly? Do they not show up when you have plans to meet? Do they just disappear and reappear as they please not considering that it is shady and makes someone wonder what’s going on behind closed doors.
You have to use your own judgement in knowing what you are willing to accept and not accept from a partner. If you see a reoccurring pattern with something, especially if you’ve mentioned it continue, it’s time to close the books. Deep down, there is always that feeling in our stomachs, an intuition in knowing if something just isn’t sitting right. Follow that.
4. Don’t Be So Available
There is a saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” that holds a magnitude of truth. Don’t you appreciate and love things a little bit more once you’ve been deprived of them for a bit? There is something within the human mind that adores a little mystery, something that helps keeps us intrigued when we don’t know exactly if we have the person or not. Keeping your partner guessing and wondering about you isn’t a mean move, it is actually beneficial to growing the passion in your relationship. The mind is everything and sadly but truthfully, people play games whether you like it or not. Try not always picking your phone up after the first ring, or updating them on your every move throughout the day. Take a spontaneous trip alone or with friends, continue a life of your own without your partner to a certain extent.
Don’t get us wrong, vanishing for weeks at a time with no contact is not the route to go. That will probably backfire and possibly end up in a police search. Try to keep some mystery alive in little ways, but if you just can’t resist, we understand- you’re in love!
3. Being Too Jealous/Possessive
Don’t be that new, hot and psychotic lover, just don’t. Acting totally crazed over your new partner will make you look bad, make your lover freaked and cause damage control on the way. Jealous behavior stems from low self esteem and insecurity and you’re better than that. Everyone is fearful of losing someone of value to them and they try to hold on to that in any means possible. Imagine if someone was searching through your phone or questioning your every move, would you really like that long term? Sure, we are animalistic at times and it is a good thing to claim your territory in a classy way, but know your limits. Every couple likes to see their partner be protective of them and show that they care.
When situations turn violent, chaotic or down right stressful and dramatic, that’s when you know it’s gone too far. Find ways to help yourself or your partner through a better lifestyle brought on with therapy, working out, talking to friends or some type of makeover to better your self esteem.
2. Expecting Too Much
We have those Hollywood romance movies to thank for this one. Titanic, really? The Notebook, common! Do these grandiose fairy tale love stories really happen in real life? This fantasy of over the top love affairs always ending perfectly is just not realistic. We are set up to expect a certain romantic fulfillment that for the most part is kind of starry eyed and not your everyday occurrence. Instead of forcing this romantic movie turned real life in your head, take the time to really get to know what is important to your partner. Find out naturally what they like and want and then take it from there in being Mr. or Mrs. Romeo. In real life, you probably won’t be getting a bouquet of roses every day or scoring great tickets for date night at the best game. When romantic gestures are done all the time, it takes away from the appreciation and excitement. Live life with limited romantic expectations from your partner, they come naturally and without asking. If worse case, you end up in a fight over it, just be happy make up sex is there to help you rekindle your romance.
1. Playing Too Many Mind Games
As sick as it sounds, mind games are done to establish a winner, the one who holds the control in the relationship. Even after that is established, mind games can continue on well throughout marriage, there is no definite end in sight. It is something humans do naturally and sometimes intentionally. Knowing your partner well enough, it becomes easier and clearer what buttons to push if you really wanted to see how they will react. Games can range in a multitude of ways. There is the silent treatment in hopes the other person will cave first and initiate conversation. There is resisting sexually in order to prove a point (but nobody really wins in this situation). The list goes on and I’m sure you’ve experienced or done at least one thing in your life that was considered a mind meddle. Playing these games, we think we gain control and feel self- justification, but what are we really doing? We are playing with fire because when there is constant irritation from being ignored or making someone else crazy with your actions, it might end up being the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The only games you should be playing is at date game night contorting with Twister or mastering Super Mario Brothers.