Everybody has gotta lie sometimes. It makes the day pass smoother if you drop a couple of quick fibs here and there to keep yourself out of trouble. We’re not talking big lies (“I did not have sexual relations with that woman”), but small, meaningless lies that keep peachy egos unbruised (yours included!).
If you’re late for work, for instance, because you felt like trying on several outfits rather than throwing on the first dumpy thing you could get your hands on, you’re not gonna tell your boss, you know, “I just wanted to look extra fly today.” He or she would get mad. And besides, you’re already late — already asking for forgiveness — might as well make it easier for yourself to actually get it.
This is especially true in relationships, where so much of a person’s self-worth is invested. There are few, if any, people whose opinions and actions you care as much about as your girlfriend’s, and she, yours. If you think, or more importantly do, something wrong, then that’s really gonna hurt her. This is why in relationships, we tend to be egregious liars.
Again, don’t be Bill Clinton and lie about the big stuff, but little white lies to stay out of the red zone — we can’t say we blame you for that! Here are ten of the most common examples.
10. “I’ve only had a few beers.”
A lot of men like to go out with their bros even though they’re in relationships. Sure, you have people who convert to total domesticity as soon as they’re in a couple, constantly cooking stir fry and watching movies with their boos, but a lot of other people still like to go out and have a good time. The thing is, if your girlfriend is sitting around waiting for you to get back while you’re at a bar drinking and behaving differently than you do around her (raucous, rude, and inconsiderate…), she’s gonna get angry. So when you get home, you had better not be drunk. If you are, when she asks, you say you’ve had half as many beers as you actually did have, because either way you’re gonna pass out way before she has enough time to realize that you’re acting too drunk for someone who’s only had 3 cold ones over a whole night.
9. “I don’t look at other women.”
You wouldn’t want your girl ogling a muscle-packed bro as he swaggers before her, so it makes sense that your girl wouldn’t want you eyeing some kitten-like girl in a tank top and yoga pants. But come on: who isn’t gonna eye some kitten-like cutie in that seductive outfit? It’s harmless — a vegetarian is still a vegetarian even if they think bacon smells damn good. The key isn’t taking a bite! But your girlfriend might not think of it that way, so you sure as hell aren’t gonna tell her that you do check out other women when they pass. You’re much better off, and no one is hurt by it, if you just sneak a peek when your girlfriend ain’t looking.
8. “I’ll be home soon.”
We don’t know where you are, okay? We don’t know what you’re doing. We just know that you’re having a hell of a time and you’re not quite ready to return to the family nest. So when your phone starts ringing and your girlfriend is all: “Where are you, babe?”, you have two options: 1) “I AM MY OWN PERSON AND I COME HOME WHEN I WANT, DAMN IT!” or 2) “I’ll be there in a two shakes of a lamb’s tail! xoxoxox!”
And let’s face it, you’re probably gonna go with #2. It’s not exactly a lie — there are a million variables that could transpire in one, let alone two shakes of a sheep’s fluffy rudder. And as they say: “Ask for forgiveness, not for permission”. Having your ear chewed off would ruin your night, so you figure you’ll just sweep it under the rug until later.
7. “It’s from my bro.”
You get a text message. Let’s assume it’s from a girl you knew from before the beginning of time, aka the day you met your perfect, amazing girlfriend. It’s fun, it’s intriguing, it’s dare we say even a little sexy. As soon as you read it, a wry smile spreads over your lips like cold cream through black coffee. Your girlfriend, perceptive as she is, cuts the tension with a resounding: “What?”
You, still with your grin, say: “Oh, nothing.”
She responds: “No, who is that text message from?”
You aren’t gonna say: “Just some girl I used to know.” So you say: “It’s from my bro.”
Obviously, Paulie or Derek or John couldn’t inspire that reaction in you, but take Shaggy’s advice and deny, deny, deny.
6. “I’ll reciprocate.”
Everyone likes a sporting session of foreplay. It gets the blood pumping, the toes-curling, and the whole body generally smiling. But something that men often tell women, and often default on, is that they’ll “do it back”. See, the thing is, if men go first and then women go second, it works out for everyone. But if women go first (and finish what they started, so to speak), then just about the last thing a man is gonna want to do is do it back (or at least he’ll need a smoke, a sandwich, a gatorade, and twenty-five minutes of snuggling before it’s in his field of vision). But since it’s a favour, and favours are sort of meant to be returned, men say they’ll do it back and figure they’ll deal with the consequences when the fun is done.
5. “I don’t watch adult videos.”
For many people, watching adult videos is the same as cheating. Pleasuring yourself to another person is the same as being unfaithful as far as they’re concerned. You know that that isn’t true almost as surely as you know the sky is blue, but it’s really the kind of empirical thing you can debate. It’s more “passionate” than those kinds of facts. So, for the sake of your relationship, you just say that you don’t and then do. Deceit is bad, but it’s exponentially worse when it’s multiplied by another, greater sin. When it covers up something harmless, it’s almost completely unremarkable.
4. “Yeah, you’re absolutely right.”
Sometimes, your girlfriend says things that you’re not on board with. Be it a misinterpretation of something, an opinion that irks you, or just plain bad math, not everything that comes out of her mouth is going to sound like an angel sighing. And when it’s really serious, you’re gonna be like: “Hold up. That’s wrong.” But if it’s just something small, even if you’re cringing inside, you’re just gonna nod and be like: “Mhm. Yeah. Totally!” Although it may feel like you’re selling out your integrity, you do it just to avoid that whole: “Ummmm… I don’t know about that!” conversation that’s bound to follow and lead to nowhere expect maybe another lovers’ quarrel.
3. “It’s the best I’ve ever had.”
How is she supposed to know it’s not? ;-)
2. “I like your mom.”
You maybe like your girlfriend’s dad. But you might feel like her mom is kind of cramping your style. Or maybe you just think she’s hella boring and don’t want to have to talk to her. But you can’t just go around telling people willy-nilly that you don’t like their moms. It’s a pretty antisocial sentiment to evince, moms being the bedrock of society and stuff. So, just to be polite, kind, and a good person, you tell her that you like her mom, and then complain about her to your bros as you drink your 9th beer and ignore your vibrating phone.
1. “I love you, too.”
Yeah, you probably saw this one coming. Love is a complicated emotion. Everyone wants it, but not everyone is capable of inspiring it in others. Oh, wait, I shouldn’t say that… “You’re beautiful and amazing and 60 is the new 20!” There, that’s better.
No, but really, love is complicated. It doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone, and unfortunately, as Charles Schultz put it so wonderfully when he wrote “nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love”, loving someone doesn’t guarantee that they’ll love you back. So sometimes, people (girls included) just tell their SOs that they love them too, when in reality, they just love that someone loves them; but really, the person responsible for the love… well, they could go either way on.
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