One of the most difficult things about building a relationship, whether straight, gay or somewhere in between, is that both members of that relationship think they are the smart one. A healthy relationship always involves some back and forth and some conflict and it doesn’t matter who you are, most of the conflict stems from an “I’m right, no I’m right” type of conversation.
While I can’t speak for same-sex relationships (not my thing) men and women may love each other, but agreement is not always an option, and with some couples, it’s rarely even a thought. In most relationships, the “who is smarter?” debate is a frequent and ongoing one. Well, fellas, here are ten points you can throw at her next time she says something so dopey that it makes you go cross-eyed. Keep in mind while reading, that this is supposed to be silly and funny, rather than misogynistic. My girlfriend and editor are both women, after all and if neither of them chased me with a sharp object for writing this, you shouldn’t either.
The first point I can make here is that the vast majority of effort women put into dolling themselves up is fairly unnecessary. This is not to encourage them to stop doing it, but any woman who is putting on tons of makeup to look attractive, in hopes of sinking her claws into a man, is dedicating a significant amount of time and effort, when most men are already drooling over her to begin with. Let’s be honest, fellas, straight men are all born addicted to women and are for the most part, willing to hop into bed as long as she’s taken a shower in the past three or four days.
9. Reality TV
This point may become less and less true in the coming years, as many sources are coming to the conclusion that reality TV is dying, but for the time being, women statistically watch vastly more of this genre than men. I’ll stand atop my metaphorical soap box for a minute while I say that the vast majority of reality TV is the lowest of the low when it comes to entertainment. The Bachelor, Keeping Up With The Kardashians and of course, all those God-awful “talent” shows, are a harmful waste of time and about as close to “reality” as an adult film in which a pizza delivery man ends up in a sorority 7-way. You can learn and improve your life more by watching a Family Guy marathon than any of that garbage.
For those of you now puzzled and pointing out that men watch reality TV too, the vast majority of reality TV directed at men involves building things, exploring and surviving in the wild or in the case of the UFC’s feeder program The Ultimate Fighter, wailing on each other. There is a fundamental difference here.
8. Simplicity of Life
Men know what they need to be happy, and generally keep it very simple. Food, sleep, sex. That’s pretty much it, the rest is just filler. This is a sign of phenomenal self-knowledge that most men have. Women, and this is a vast but accurate generalization, seldom lead such simple existences. The necessity of girl-time, yoga, manicures, pedicures, shopping, 23 lattes per day, and of course time to “decompress” because one “just can’t right now” indicate a significantly more cluttered life. Then again, much like the reality TV section, this is becoming vastly less the case because of men increasingly complicating their daily rituals.
Unless a dude is an oversensitive whiner, he can likely take a joke. In most cases, he can take any joke, including one about himself, his mother and/or his girlfriend. Women are far more easily offended by jokes but there is a wisdom to remaining stoic and being able to laugh at oneself. If one is already the butt of a joke, nothing earns respect like chuckling, and enjoying the fact that people are willing to poke fun at you. On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, fighting humor with anger and overreaction inevitably leads to further mocking.
I’d like to first thank women for going through the ordeal that is childbirth. Actually the whole pregnancy experience seems pretty dreadful, so thanks. But my point here is that if it were required of us dudes, we wouldn’t put up with that kind of discomfort. In a hypothetical universe in which men went through labor, his first act would be to call his best friend and request to be hit on the head with a 2-by-4 or baseball bat until he went limp, and to have that kid cut out of his gut as quickly as possible. The phone conversation would go something like this “Yo, *insert best bro’s name here*, yeah, it’s happening, man. Get over here with the Louisville Slugger and give me two good ones, make sure I’m breathing, and get the doc to take care of this. Thanks duder, owe you one!”
Some women do something called a drug free birth which is admirable but a terrifying thought. Men wouldn’t endure this kind of thing. Are we cowards? Maybe. Or maybe we just find ways around irritating stuff.
5. Precise Language VS Hints
This one is plain and simple, men say what’s on their mind, and women talk in codes. Here is an example: Jack is going out to the store, and asks “Hey, Jill, I’m going out for more condoms and beer, can I pick you up something at the store?” Jill might respond with something to the effect of “I like treats too sometimes”, which is translated to “get me a chocolate bar and a bottle of wine”. This translation is not made in a man’s brain, but Jack will inevitably get chewed out for coming home with chips and dip.
On the other hand, were the tables turned, and Jill was heading to the store, Jack would likely respond with “thanks, babe. I’d like a six-pack of Bud and a medium pizza with stuffed crust”. No translation, just pure, unadulterated information.
4. Men Don’t Get Lost
Think of the last time you saw a man and a woman in a car discussing why they hadn’t reached their destination yet. The woman would likely be berating the gent for not pulling over and asking for directions, and the man would be defending his position indicating that no directions are needed and that he was taking a scenic route. This is always true. No men have ever gotten lost. Our innate GPS is flawless and any man who seems lost is playing an elaborate ruse to get a rise out of those around him. It’s a fun game to play.
3. The Best Friend Test
A dog is man’s best friend. According to Marilyn Monroe, the former emperor of women, who took too many drugs and died in her thirties, diamonds hold that honor for females. This is a paraphrase of something I saw years ago that may or may not have been a viral Facebook status, but a diamond is simply a rock that costs a ridiculous amount of money because people say so.
A dog serves many purposes. He’ll protect your home and family, help with the hunt, if that’s your thing, and even if your home is secured, and your food is already on the table, if you’ve had a rough day, he’ll pick up on that and cheer you up. If we judge a person by the company they keep, men win this one.
2. Ever See a Man Crying for No Reason?
If a dude is crying for no reason he is probably insane. That is a reason to cry so it may be appropriate to say that no men cry for no reason. Women do cry for no reason and while it can be adorable, sometimes it is accompanied by blind rage and that can get scary.
But back to the issue at hand. If a guy is crying, Han Solo may have died, his dog is sick, or his team lost in the Super Bowl (World Series, Stanley Cup Finals, whatever). For women, it may be hormones, a sad movie or, as is usually the case: no reason whatsoever.
1. Men Have Been in Charge for Millennia
Last but certainly not least, men have been in charge for well over 2,000 years. Yes, there have been some influential women throughout history but for the vast majority of time, men have been the boss. Men have been able to manipulate their way into high society and make others do their bidding for centuries, and while women are gaining increasing power these days (like in Germany, and look how well that’s going), for the most part, men are still in control. It has taken a ton of cunning, strategizing, cronyism and backstabbing to get and maintain this status. It may be an awful truth, but it is kind of impressive.
I look forward to your hate Tweets.