Sometimes, you think you know a celebrity because of the interviews they give, the tweets they post, or the characters they play. But, until they release a memoir with the truth, you never really know. Here are ten of the most shocking confessions in celebrity memoirs. We’ve got the normal topics covered, including sex, drugs and of course, rock and roll. But, these aren’t exactly traditional co-star sex confessions, and most certainly not your typical “smoking, but not inhaling” confessions. These are above and beyond the next level. But, it’s not all doom and gloom either; some of the confessions are quite simply hilarious. Read on and prepare for your jaw to probably drop.
10. Not That Kind of Girl by Lena Dunham
In her recently released memoir, Lena Dunham doesn’t describe anything that is extremely shocking, as little girls are often curious about each others bodies. What is shocking about this though, is that she openly wrote about it, which we could all agree, is pretty fearless…
One day, as I sat in our driveway in Long Island playing with blocks and buckets, my curiosity got the best of me. Grace was sitting up, babbling and smiling, and I leaned down between her legs and carefully spread open her vagina. She didn’t resist and when I saw what was inside I shrieked.
My mother came running. “Mama, Mama! Grace has something in there!”
My mother didn’t bother asking why I had opened Grace’s vagina. This was within the spectrum of things I did. She just got on her knees and looked for herself. It quickly became apparent that Grace had stuffed six or seven pebbles in there. My mother removed them patiently while Grace cackled, thrilled that her prank had been a success.
9. Wannabe By Jamie Kennedy
In his hilarious, laugh-out-loud for real memoir, Jamie Kennedy tells the stories of his disastrous and not-so-glamorous early days in Hollywood, including working as a maid for Janeane Garafalo and snooping around her stuff,
I walked into her bedroom. In the center was a big fluffy bed covered with stuffed animals. There was a collection of Beanie Babies on display. I decided to go through her under-wear drawer. Not because I was perverted. I just wanted to see how she was making it in show business. She had a lot of different styles, but for some reason fruit was a common panty motif. I didn’t know what to make of it, so I continued snooping under her bed, in all her drawers, and in the closets, looking for some clue to her success. All I found were tampons.
8. Unsweetined by Jodi Sweetin
In her book, Unsweetined, former Full House actress Jodi Sweetin talks about her post-child-stardom life and being addicted to crystal meth. At one point, Sweetin toured colleges talking about her experiences with drugs, although, she was still struggling with using at that point. She even goes as far as confessing about being under the influence during an anti-drug speech at Marquette University,
“I put on my best TV smile … they didn’t think I was coming down from a two-day bender of coke, meth and Ecstasy, and they didn’t think I was lying to them with every sentence that came out of my mouth. I finished, they applauded. Just how I liked it.”
7. Call Me Crazy by Anne Heche
As we mentioned in the introduction, some of these confessions go beyond normal topics such as sex and drugs, and this is one of them. Perhaps one of the craziest book confessions ever, Anne Heche discusses having herpes as a baby,
Your baby has welts on her baby-size p***y and you can’t put a diaper on her and you don’t give a sh** enough to trash your f***ing beliefs for one goddamn second and take her to the doctor? Any-f***ing-body who might tell you what was wrong with your baby girl […]?
Heche also tells her readers that she spent her childhood in a religious cult and was sexually abused by her own father, who actually turned out to be gay. He eventually died of AIDS.
6. Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler
In her hilarious memoir, Are You There Vodka, It’s Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler, the comedian confesses to compulsively lying as a child, including about being cast as Goldie Hawn’s daughter in an imaginary sequel to Private Benjamin.
I heard you were going to be in a movie with Goldie Hawn,” he said to me, out of breath.
Shit. I had worried something like this was going to happen. The day before, I had forgotten my language arts homework, and when the teacher singled me out in front of the entire class to find out where it was, I told her that I had been in three straight nights of meetings with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, negotiating my contract to play Goldie Hawn’s daughter in the sequel to Private Benjamin.
The fact that no sequel to Private Benjamin was in the works, or that a third-grader wouldn’t be negotiating her own contract with the star of the movie and her live-in lover, hadn’t dawned on me.
“Yeah, well, that was kind of a lie,” I mumbled, recovering my left mitten from in between my butt cheeks.
“What?” he asked, astounded. “You lied? Everyone has been talking about it. Everyone thinks it’s so cool.”
5. Moonwalk By Michael Jackson
Most people under the age of 40 probably have no idea that the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson, wrote a memoir way back in 1988, which detailed the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, Joe Jackson.
“He’d sit at home with us every day after school and rehearse us. We’d perform for him and he’d critique us. If you messed up, you got hit, sometimes with a belt, sometimes with a switch. My father was real strict with us — real strict. … Dad would make me so mad and hurt that I’d try to get back at him and get beaten all the more. I’d take a shoe and throw it at him, or I’d just fight back, swinging my fists. That’s why I got it more than all my brothers combined. I would fight back and my father would kill me, just tear me up.”
4. Choose Your Own Autobiography By Neil Patrick Harris
Now openly gay and a married, father of two adorable kids, actor Neil Patrick Harris confesses being hit on by women who only wanted to sleep with him because he played Doogie Howser.
And here is another strike against you in the party scene, perhaps the biggest of all: You are the world’s first and only Doogiesexual. Wherever you go in public you are reminded of this bizarre meta-reality. Every single woman you meet at clubs thinks of you as Doogie. More often than not, they call you that. You do occasionally parlay your doppelganger into some action. The loss of your hetero virginity dates to this time, a squalid, four-and-a-half minute limp-d***ed affair that was the direct result of one of the girl’s friends daring her to sleep with Doogie. (Given the quality of your performance, the dare could not possibly have been worth it.)”
3. I am Ozzy By Ozzy Osbourne
In his memoir, Ozzy Osbourne not only confesses to eating the head off a bat, but he also confesses about the poverty he grew up in. His family was so poor, they didn’t have indoor plumbing, so he had to use a bucket instead of a toilet,
“I grew up having to piss in a bucket ’cos there was no indoor shitter, and now I have these computerized Japanese super-loo things that have heated seats and wash and blow-dry your arse at the touch of a button. Give it a couple of years and I’ll have a bog with a robot arm that pulls out my turds, so I don’t have to strain.”
2. Open by Andre Agassi
Sports and drugs (other than steroids) don’t always go together, especially when we are talking about drugs such as crystal meth. In his book Open, Andre Agassi confesses to using the drug with a former assistant he calls Slim.
Slim is stressed too … He says, You want to get high with me? On what? Gack. What the hell’s gack? Crystal meth. Why do they call it gack? Because that’s the sound you make when you’re high … Make you feel like Superman, dude.
“As if they’re coming out of someone else’s mouth, I hear these words: You know what? Fuck it. Yeah. Let’s get high.
“Slim dumps a small pile of powder on the coffee table. He cuts it, snorts it. He cuts it again. I snort some. I ease back on the couch and consider the Rubicon I’ve just crossed.”
“There is a moment of regret, followed by vast sadness. Then comes a tidal wave of euphoria that sweeps away every negative thought in my head. I’ve never felt so alive, so hopeful – and I’ve never felt such energy.”
“I’m seized by a desperate desire to clean. I go tearing around my house, cleaning it from top to bottom. I dust the furniture. I scour the tub. I make the beds.”
1. High on Arrival by Mackenzie Phillips
In her memoir, High on Arrival, actress Mackenzie Phillips dropped a huge bomb- for years, she had a consensual sexual relationship with her father, the late Papa John Phillips,
“I woke up that night from a blackout and found myself having sex with my own father, I came out of that blackout and realized what was happening. … I slid right back into it and woke up the next morning in my own hotel room and not with him. Your father is supposed to protect you, not [expletive] you.”