One of the greatest perks of being a television executive is surrounding yourself with beautiful women (as long as that’s your thing). Being sexy isn’t a prerequisite to success on TV, but it obviously doesn’t hurt. I don’t think I’m inspiring any grand revelations when I write that it’s a hell of a lot easier to get starring TV roles if you’re easy on the eyes. Couple that with the fact that most of the decision makers in the industry are men, men who often hold the difference between a megabucks salary and a career path involving french fries, and you can understand why sexy females get the choicest roles.
Obviously, television is fantasy – and everyone prefers to fantasize about things being better than they are. But one thing that the fantasyland of television and the reality of our three-dimensional lives have in common is that sexy moms usually give birth to sexy-in-eighteen-years-and-one-day daughters.
And there is that sweet spot when a young mother’s daughter has just blossomed into womanhood and the mother herself is in the prime of life when, if you read too much Penthouse Forum or have a colorful search history, you can not help but imagine what they would look like naked together. Anyway, if you didn’t have that problem before, allow me to help.
With the exception of one entry on this list, none of the actresses on this list are actually mother and daughter. But if they were, there’s not much we wouldn’t do to be a special guest at an extra special family event.
I dare any heterosexual man – or other than heterosexual lady – to say they wouldn’t sever the tip of their pinky to take get a hot oil massage from any of these fictionally-related beauty duos. Here are the ten sexiest mother-daughter characters from television.
10: Kris & Kim Kardashian
I personally am about as far as any man can get from being a celebrity worshipper. To me, a person is a person whether they are famous or not, and I judge them on their individual merits. A person who is famous just for being famous pretty quickly earns my contempt – they’re a sign of all that’s wrong with the media these days. And that’s what I love about the Kardashians. They’re just famous for being sexy and outrageous. You can like them just for that, and there is no obligation to appreciate them on any other level.
Kim Kardashian has a body built for sin and the face of an angel, which is a great combination in any woman. Seriously – even after watching her sex tape you can look at her smile and think she’s a virgin.
Her mother, Kris, is basically the exact opposite. Every time I see a portrait where she’s looking at the camera I feel like she’s planning on swallowing me whole. And it kind of turns me on.
9: Mandi & Kandi – Two And A Half Men
A wise man once told me, “Eli, if you want to meet a woman who wants to have sex with you, just go out in a public place and act dumb.” And I’ll be damned if it didn’t work. Something about us just loves to outsmart potential lays, I suppose, or maybe we just find empty headedness cute and non-threatening. When we look for a partner or spouse we want someone with brains and beauty – but if we’re looking for an easy score we just love it when a girl got double looks and half smarts when she rolled for attributes.
Mandi And Kandi fit the bill. By god look at those bodies, and they’re dumb to boot? Should be easy to get in bed and fun once you get there. I mean, Kandi is just any man’s fantasy: Beautiful, fun and likes older guys. And Mandi can supposedly suck a golf ball through 100 feet of garden hose. I just need to find 98 more feet.
8: Cora & Mary Crawley – Downton Abbey
As any successful womanizer will tell you, it’s not the act that is most satisfying – it is the seduction. And no seduction is more satisfying than that of a complete innocent. Every man, no matter what they tell you, wants to make a good girl do naughty things at least once in their life.
Mary Crawley fits that fantasy 100 percent: She’s proper, pure, virtuous, and yet full of pent up horniness. She can’t, won’t, mustn’t submit – but she will. And her mum will be right there in a leather and whalebone corset with a cat o’ nine tails and a bottle of brandy ready to make it a night no one will forget. No matter how hard they try.
7: Julie & Marissa Cooper – The OC
Let me paint you a little scene. It’s one week before your senior prom and you’ve just had to move to a new high school because your witness protection program secret identity was blown at your old high school. You’ve had to cut off ties with all your friends and, even worse, your prom date. “No problem,” your wacky but loveable ambassador character tells you – I can hook you up with my friend. Just go by the Cooper house and Marissa will answer the door.
So you go by the Cooper house with your flowers and your smile and you ring the bell and a stunningly beautiful girl answers the door. Wow! You totally scored! She invites you in and starts undressing, saying you are late and get going with the massage already. Attempting to retain blood flow to your brain you comply, only to see yet another stunningly beautiful girl walking down the stairs. “What are you doing?” she cries? “Oh, just massaging Marissa here, she asked me to!” You stammer. “I’m Marissa! That’s my mom.” Marissa says.
And then you realize you’re in a free-swingin’ family where the mom and the daughter are equally hot. Welcome to my version of the OC.
6: Hanna & Ashley Marin – Pretty Little Liars
What’s not to love about Ashley Marin? Looking about half her 46 years, she’s slim and charming and likes going out and having fun. Little bonus: She works at a bank and exists in a TV drama – if you need to flee to Mexico she can help you steal a ton of cash to live on for a couple of decades. And when you do make your getaway, she’s going to bring Hanna with her.
Hanna Marin is the epitome of the high school fantasy girl. Despite her and her entire clique’s makeup habits looking like they’d be better served by Home Depot than Sephora, Hanna is dramatically sexy, in a baby doll sort of way. Her big, gray, almond-shaped eyes. Her long, shapely legs that she loves to show off.
Personally, my favorite thing about Hanna is that she used to be fat. Now she’s the ultimate definition of sexy: A down to earth, nice girl who knows how pretty she is and how to use it. That basically gives her superhero powers, and those are useful in the bikini that you take with you on the run south of the border. Never know when you’ll need to seduce a Federale to your side.
5: Susan & Julie Mayer – Desperate Housewives
This may surprise my readers, but I have never watched a single episode of Desperate Housewives. I did, however, just find myself transfixed by the Google image results for Susan and Julie Mayer. Let me first say that any man who isn’t attracted to Teri Hatcher is far more a discerning man than I. I can only imagine the incredible quality of woman that this man sleeps with. One must assume that he is either married to a super model or lives on whore island.
That said, Teri’s undeniably sensual form jut pales in comparison to Andrea Bowen’s (AKA Julie Mayer) come hither stare. I should know, she has just been come-hithering me for the past ten minutes. Even though I know there are miles and years and a photographer and an internet between us, I could almost feel she was looking at me and had just decided she was going to seduce me.
4: The Gilmore Girls
I must admit I feel a little dirty about this one. That’s OK, though, it’s a familiar sensation. Hey, look, I’m sorry. I know the Gilmore Girls is about two strong women forging ahead through the uncertain seas of single motherhood with ambition and faith as their only guiding star. I know the show isn’t about two smart, strong and ambitious women frolicking in a hot tub. But if I got to direct one episode, that would definitely be a central theme. If any household needs the vacation, they do.
3: Pamela & Jackie Burkhart – That 70s Show
Let us consider for a moment that you stumble upon a magic lamp of the genie holding variety and are granted three wishes. If you do not immediately use your first two wishes to make Brooke Shields and Mila Kunis fall madly in lust with you, and the last wish to give yourself a penis if you don’t already have one, then you should never have been allowed near any magic lamps ever.
The combined weight of all the sexual fantasies these two have featured in individually could crush a Volkswagen microbus. The two of them together could create a horniness singularity with the density of a white dwarf star, one which threatens to implode the earth.
Brooke Shields’ name is virtually synonymous with beauty. Mila Kunis is insanely, smolderingly hot. Brooke Shields looks like she’d ride you like a Harley. Mila Kunis looks like her dream man would take her on bear skin rug by the roaring fire in his slab-stone castle. Brooke is so sexy that she could be the definition of MILF. Mila is so sexy that even playing Meg Griffin does not make her less attractive.
2: Claire & Haley Dunphy – Modern Family
It may seem cliché, but a vampy, Marilyn Monroe-esque woman will always be sexy. And that sums up Claire Dunphy pretty well. She’s hot, she knows it, and she’ll use it to get what she wants. And if what she wants happens to hang below my navel, so be it. She can have my belt. I won’t argue.
Haley Dunphy is another kind of sexy chick: The sexy young girl who doesn’t care how innocent she looks. She knows the effect she has on boys and she likes it. She just can’t dress up without showing off her body, and what a body it is. Even better, she has the most angelic face in the world. She could be standing over a bloody corpse holding a smoking gun and tell the police it isn’t what it looks like and Officer Soandso would nod and say, “Alright, see ya then! False alarm, guys!”
1: Eleanor & Blair Waldorf
Blaire and Eleanor Waldorf are the fantasy of silk sheets, champagne and strawberries. They’re used to being pampered and loved and taken care of – you can expect full days in bed, in the pool, bent over the railing of a penthouse suite, in the other bed, in a helicopter tour over the city and anywhere else that my filthy imagination could spend millions of dollars.
The fact is that both of these sirens can have anything they want, and they both believe they’re better than you. But don’t take it personally, they think they’re better than everyone. Making them quake with desire for a few minutes might just change that.