A common resolution amongst many is to settle differences with a rival and move on in life. When diplomacy fails, sometimes the proverbial gloves just need to be dropped in order to truly move on from a grudge.
Celebrities are no different. Whether real or an attempt to merely get one’s name in the headlines, such feuds grab our attention just as much as who is leading in the polls or who is playing in the big game this weekend. As consumers of entertainment, we have this intrinsic desire to see these celebrities throw down once and for all. While the odds of this happening in reality are very low (unless, of course, Celebrity Boxing makes a comeback), that doesn’t stop us from day dreaming of what could be. And with that, here are the Top Eleven Celebrity Grudge Matches we’d love to see in 2016, and who would win.
11. Katy Perry vs. Taylor Swift
Who doesn’t love a good cat fight? Add a mud pit to the center of the ring and we may have ourselves a winner. The beef between Perry and Swift is so deliciously awesome that it is reminiscent of the implosion of the Mega Powers back in the 80s when Randy “Macho Man” Savage turned on Hulk Hogan. It is the classic tale of former friends turned enemies; only in this case Perry is Savage, Swift is Hogan, and John Mayer is Miss Elizabeth.
On the surface, one might immediately assume that Perry would turn Swift inside-out. But what Swift may seemingly lack in terms of a “mean streak,” she makes up for in persistence and stamina. Look no further than her never-ending barrage of hit singles. Perry, on the other hand, definitely has that “eye of the tiger,” not to mention a pair of legs that could crack walnuts. Given these combinations of traits, it would be very hard to doubt this fight would not go the distance. In the end however, Swift wins in a close, but controversial decision. The stage is then set for the much-anticipated (and muddy) rematch.
10. Meek Mill vs. The Entire Rap World Handicap Match
The on-going list of people that have a beef with rapper Meek Mill reads like a “who’s who” in the world of talking over synthesized beats. Some of the top names in hip-hop have an axe to grind with Mr. Mill… and for good reason too, whether it is Drake or 50 Cent. All of these feuds started with Meek firing the first (metaphorical… as far as we know) shots and talking trash about the others for no apparent reason. Next came the inevitable and infantile back-and-forth via Twitter, and we’re left with the potential for a historic bruhaha.
If the incident with Cassidy is any indication however (Meek challenged him to a rap battle, Cassidy accepted, and then Meek backed down), this fight would see Meek beaten so badly that Amnesty International would have to intervene. The only problem would be that AI might decline since Meek brought it all on himself. When someone has a legit beef and fulfills the need to call another out, so be it. Let the chips fall where they may. But from the sound of it, Meek went looking for trouble instead of the other way around. When that happens, karma can be a real b****.
9. Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie
Much like the Guns N’ Roses reunion, this fight would be happening about 10 years too late, but still have the “star power” to make even the average fan tune in. Everyone remembers the infamous dumping of Jennifer Aniston by Brad Pitt and which side they came down on in the infamous Team Jennifer vs. Team Angelina debate. And while Aniston moved on and Pitt/Jolie are off forming their own little United Nations, no one can believe that there isn’t at least some animosity left between the two. As the saying goes, “hell hath no fury…”
This fight would be back-and-forth, non-stop action from the opening bell. As the fight progresses, however, Pitt looks at Jen and realizes the error of his ways. He then hits Angie with a steel chair when the ref isn’t looking in pure WWE-style. Aniston delivers her finishing move and scores the win. Then, as Pitt is raising his former wife’s arm in victory, Aniston turns and cold-cocks him on the jaw.
8. JJ Abrams vs. George Lucas
This fight has “nerd-gasm” written all over it and is the classic embodiment of a “lovers’ quarrel.” Lucas proverbially dumped Star Wars for something younger when he sold it to Disney, claiming he “wanted to go into a new stage of life.” Star Wars then found a new life itself with Abrams. Now Lucas’ jealousy is over-flowing as he watches another guy move on with his “baby.”
They tried to co-exist, but this one is headed for the ring. The battle for supremacy in a galaxy far, far away would ultimately disappoint however, with the only real losers, once again, being fans of Star Wars. In addition to the inevitable nerd hand-slapping, this fight has ‘draw’ written all over it. Lucas would fail to show that he is anything but a has-been now. Abrams, on the other hand, cannot shed the all-show-no-substance label. Add it all up and it leaves no clear winner and a Star Wars series still in desperate need of direction.
7. Bridget Moynahan vs. Gisele Bundchen
If Jen vs. Angie is a main event, then this battle undoubtedly would be the undercard. The battle of “Tom Brady Baby Mommas” has been building for the last ten years as well. And much like Jen vs. Angie, this saga is the same soap opera. Brady and Moynahan dated for about two years before Brady suddenly broke it off and began dating Victoria’s Secret supermodel and professional vegan Gisele Bundchen. Soon thereafter, Moynahan announced she was pregnant with Brady’s child. Brady, in turn, ended up marrying Bundchen which unquestionably had to sting for Moynahan.
The stage is set for a battle. These competitors are evenly matched across the board. In the end though, Moynahan scores the hard-fought victory after going all Coyote Ugly on Bundchen. She just has that je ne ses quoi that Bundchen doesn’t. And while the victory goes to Moynahan, Bundchen lives to fight another day… hopefully in a “Bra and Panties Match.”
6. Jay Leno vs. Conan O’Brien
Call this one a stereotypical battle of the aging superstar versus the young back-up. For years, Jay Leno was the affable host of The Tonight Show. As the time drew near for him to pass to the torch to the next host, NBC essentially promised the gig to Conan O’Brien when Jay was ready to hang up his microphone. After Leno stepped down, O’Brien stepped in as quarterback of late night gab fests only to have it unceremoniously taken back from him by the network after a short stint; supposedly to accommodate Leno’s new show.
Meanwhile Leno, somewhat unconvincingly, absolved himself of any blame or wrong-doing for O’Brien’s termination further igniting the flames. When taken to the mat, this battle will be akin to Rodgers vs. Favre; Young vs. Montana; and Brady vs. Bledsoe. As in all of these great showdowns though, it is a young man’s game and O’Brien handedly scores the knockout.
5. Kanye West and The Kardashians vs. Amber Rose
Talk about your twisted storylines! Essentially, this feud is just a whole lot of, shall we say, “doo-doo talking” between some ex-lovers manifesting itself, once again, on Twitter. At its essence, this feud is the pile of leaves you just want to jump in, or the sandcastle you just want to knock over. You want to see this fight happen because you just want someone, any of them, to get a nice beating laid on them. You don’t even care who. And despite Rose being from the great fighting city of Philadelphia, the edge goes to Kanye and Company in this battle. Team K has the staying power, however regrettable, that Rose doesn’t. Whether deserved or not, they have their own niche in pop culture history. People will have to Google “Amber Rose” at parties. The Kardashians win in a rout.
4. Dave Grohl/Paul McCartney vs. Courtney Love/Yoko Ono Tag Match
Dave Grohl of Nirvana and Paul McCartney of The Beatles have respectively traded barbs with Courtney Love (aka Mrs. Kurt Cobain) and Yoko Ono (aka Mrs. John Lennon) over the years for their roles in their legendary bands’ untimely demises. Whether or not you care to believe that any fences have been mended as has been reported, it is hard to imagine that hostility does not still remain the flavor of the day for these two rock legends.
For a band to reach the heights that both The Beatles and Nirvana reached in such relatively short periods of time only to have something as trivial as the lead singer’s pretentious girlfriend be their downfall, that kind of grudge just doesn’t wash away. It is downright catastrophic for both the band members and the fans alike. Instead of wondering what’s to come, we’re left pondering what could have been. This is a fight that, while it cannot give fans back these bands that they loved, it can provide some semblance of closure beyond the stale and typical hero’s tragedy to which they have been accustomed. Grohl and McCartney win for fans everywhere.
3. Kardashian Family Battle Royale
The only thing that could possibly top having America’s most over-exposed family duking it out with each other once and for all would be if an asteroid landed in the center of the ring. Kourtney vs. Scott. Khloe vs. Lamar. Kris vs. Bruce/Caitlin. Kim and Kanye vs. Their Egos. There hasn’t been such in-fighting since the Civil War. The only difference is that, after 150+ years, people still care about the Civil War. This family, without a doubt, is the epitome of everything that is wrong with American society. Only in this country can someone be famous just for being famous. Only in this country could someone want (and get) more publicity for suddenly deciding to pee sitting down than an Olympic gold medal in the decathlon. This would be a fight with no winners and, hopefully, no ringside doctors.
2. Donald Trump vs. INSERT NAME HERE
Rosie O’Donnell. Hillary Clinton. Megyn Kelly. Martha Stewart. Cher. Notice a pattern here? It’s no secret that presidential candidate and part-time misogynist Donald Trump has had his fair share of celebrity beefs; mostly with those of the opposite sex. Whether he is calling O’Donnell a “fat pig” or making statements about Cher’s plastic surgery, however obvious, The Donald does not lack competition.
While it seems a bit perverse to suggest that any man get in the ring with a woman, any of these female rivals would hold her own against Trump if presented the opportunity. The perpetual verbal sparring that has already taken place between these combatants has generated enough hype already to make the Dalai Lama want to buy a ringside seat. While this fight would ultimately be the equivalent of a Pauly Shore movie – just downright sad and a little embarrassing – regardless of outcome, the world can’t help but pump the brakes when driving by the metaphorical car wreck. The victory still goes to Trump as he is currently riding the popularity hot streak, but this celebrity fight will undoubtedly receive its own chapter in pop culture history.
1. Tom Brady vs. Roger Goodell
This one was bound to be at the top of the list given the incessant war of words through the media over the last year. Just to recap, Goodell claimed Brady “affected the integrity of the game” of football by supposedly deflating some footballs, which Brady vehemently denied. Goodell suspended Brady anyway without any hard evidence; Brady sued the NFL in federal court and unsurprisingly won. The NFL is now appealing the court’s ruling in a last ditch attempt to try to save face in front of both the owners and player’s association. Essentially, Brady feels Goodell is trying to tarnish his legacy; Goodell undoubtedly knows Brady demolished his credibility and authority. If there was ever a feud that needed to be settled in the ring this year, this is the one. However, it is not a question of if Tom Brady would beat Roger Goodell in a fight so much as how. In fact, this fight would be over so fast that it would be about as anti-climatic as Anchorman 2. Upon Brady’s entrance, Goodell would immediately be stunned by Brady’s aura long enough for one swift Ugg-booted kick from Brady to the face. And in his best Ivan Drago impersonation, Brady would deliver his “I cannot be defeated” speech standing over Goodell.