When you get to a certain age, this horrible thing happens to you where you can look around at all your friends and acquaintances and see which of them are more successful than you. Even though it felt like you all started on the same level, in high school or college, just messing around and having fun, at some point you have to look at your old friend and say to yourself, “yes, he is empirically better than me.” And it doesn’t even matter that you have seen this man throw up into his own hat or accidentally superglue his hand to the toilet seat when he was trying to play a prank on his roommate; now he is an investment banker making six figures, so technically speaking, he is more successful than you.
The horrible thing about the Internet is now you can also look around and see which dogs are more successful than you. Obviously dogs can’t be investment bankers because dogs are really bad at counting and don’t speak English fluently or at all in some cases, but they can have wildly popular Instagram accounts. And in this respect, they are technically more successful than you.
So here are 7 dogs who roll around in dead things, have god awful breath, think the vacuum cleaner is a monster, eat their own throw up, eat the cat’s throw up, hump the couch cushions, eat the neighbor’s garbage, and have more Instagram followers than you will ever even come close to having. Here are 7 Instagram Dogs That Will Make You Feel Unsuccessful.
7. Manny the French Bulldog – Takes Naps In Sinks
Manny is a four-year-old French Bulldog from Chicago whose Instagram account @manny_the_frenchie has a whopping 852 thousand followers. On his account, Manny can be seen wearing a multitude of cute outfits. Manny dresses as a turtle, a triceratops, an elephant, and even a skunk. He loves to wear little hats, hoodies, and glasses. He also loves to take naps in the sink! Manny’s owners are Amber Chavez and Jon Huang who named Manny after famous Filipino boxer and politician Manny Pacquiao.
Manny has worked as a model for Martha Stewart‘s Petsmart line and even has his own line of pillows, totes, mugs, and T-shirts sold at mannythefrenchie.com. Manny also rubs his hairy elbows with the stars. He has met Snoop Dogg, Steve Aoki, Big Gigantic, and Dillon Francis. But here’s the thing, you wear little hoodies and glasses and you have fallen asleep in the sink from time to time so why the hell don’t you have 852k followers and why hasn’t anyone introduced you to Snoop yet? Whatever, next dog.
6. Loki the Wolfdog – The Snowboarding Dog
Loki is a Wolfdog (a Husky, Malamute, and Arctic Wolf mix) from Colorado. Loki’s Instagram, @loki_the_wolfdog, has 540 thousand followers. The expertly photographed account features Loki enjoying himself in the beautiful mountains of Colorado. Loki does everything from camping, to snowboarding, to climbing, to swimming. He also loves to hang out in his hammock or take a nap in his sleeping bag.
Loki also has a YouTube video called “Loki Runs Deep,” which features him frolicking through the snow in the mountains during several snowboarding trips. The video is sponsored by GoPro and has accumulated almost 1.7 million views since it was posted on August 31st. Remember when your Aunt Margie bought you snowboarding lessons for your 13th birthday and even though you broke both wrists on your first trip up the rope tow on the bunny hill your instructor said you showed a lot of promise? So where are your 540k followers? You own a hammock. What gives?
5. Doug the Pug – Pug Life
Doug is a three-year-old Pug from Nashville, TN. Doug’s account @itsdougthepug has 850 thousand followers. Doug’s Facebook page has over 2.6 million likes. Doug is owned by Leslie Mosier who takes him to appear at music festivals and TV shows ever since he achieved Internet stardom. Doug has been featured on sites such as Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, Cosmopolitan, and Mashable. On his Instagram account, Doug can be seen in a myriad of cute costumes and outfits. He wears glasses, beanies, and little hoodies. If a fat little pug wears hoodies he gets almost a million followers, but if you wear a hoodie to the office once in a while because you spilled yogurt on your shirt then Brenda calls you a “dirty street urchin;” so how does that make sense?
Anyways, Doug has met many celebrities including Steven Tyler, Justin Bieber, John Legend and was recently in a music video for Fall Out Boy’s new song “Irresistible.” Doug also has his own line of merchandise that includes iPhone cases that say “Pug Life,” his own calendar, and a T-shirt featuring Doug dressed in a scarf and round glasses that says, “Harry Pugger.” You could have thought of that dumb pun…
4. Marnie the Shih Tzu – The Lolling Tongue
Clocking in at 1.8 million followers, we have a 12-year-old Shih Tzu from New York named Marnie. Marnie @marniethedog rose to Internet stardom thanks to her lolling tongue and constant head tilt which vets think might have been the result of vestibular disease. Marnie was adopted when she was 10 years old by Shirley Braha after she was taken in by animal control when she was living on the street after being abandoned in Connecticut.
Marnie was given the nickname Stinky at the animal shelter due to the pungent odor she had as the result of several rotting teeth. Braha adopted Marnie through Petfinder and took her home to New York where her teeth and other ailments were treated and now she smells great! Well, great for a dog. She doesn’t smell as great as you and me. You smell better than a homeless dog but you don’t have 1.8 million Instagram followers so where is the justice in this dark world? Marnie has met celebrities such as Aaron Paul, Laverne Cox, Larry King, Jonah Hill, etc. You haven’t met anyone.
3. Tuna the Chihuahua Dachshund Mix – The Author
Tuna is a Chihuahua Dachshund mix living in Los Angeles whose Instagram account @tunameltsmyheart has 1.5 million followers. At four months old, Tuna was found on the side of the road in San Diego after being abandoned by his owner. The animal shelter then took him to an L.A. farmer’s market where he was adopted by Courtney Dasher. Tuna’s account was featured on Instagram’s front page, sending the number of followers up greatly.
Tuna gained more notoriety after being turned into the “Phteven” meme thanks to his unique overbite. He also has his own book called Tuna Melts My Heart: The Underdog With the Overbite which details a day in the life of Tuna. Tuna is also very ugly and looks like a barracuda made love to a weasel. You had a crippling overbite when you were a kid but you endured thousands of dollars of orthodontia like a normal American! You deserve 1.5 million followers!
2. Jiff the Pomeranian – The Actor
Jiff’s Instagram account @jiffpom has 1.8 million followers. Jiff is probably best known for appearing in Katy Perry‘s music video “Dark Horse.” Jiff has also been in commercials for Target and Banana Republic, and has made many famous friends such as Ryan Seacrest and Sia.
Jiff recently made the Guinness Book of World Records for being the fastest dog to run 10m on his hind legs as well as the fastest to run 5m on his front legs. This one at least makes sense. Jiff looks like a living, smiling, cuddly, little teddy bear. Nearly 2 million followers seems a little low, honestly.
1. Beanz the Mexican Xolo – Tongue Out
Beanz is a hairless, 4-year-old Mexican Xolo whose Instagram account @beanzhart has accumulated 199,000 followers. Beanz lives in L.A. and belongs to prominent YouTuber Mamrie Hart. Are you kidding? This dog? This dog has almost 200 thousand followers? It looks like an giant ugly fruit fly. Her tongue lives permanently outside of her body. Why would people voluntarily look at that on social media?
You comb your hair everyday and you floss your teeth sometimes and you own several ties and now it’s just like what’s the point. You are a human being with rich experiences worth sharing with a wide audience via social media. Not to mention, you still have both of your testicles but no one cares and no one will ever care. One day dogs will rule the Earth.