Ah, those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer. Who doesn’t love them? No school, no homework, nothing but relaxation, fun, and going to the movies. How could you forget about the movies? Popcorn, junior mints, canoodling with your date in the back of the theatre. Oh, sorry, was that last part a secret?
Summertime is Hollywood’s “Black Friday.” Their make it or break time, their all or nothing time. Hollywood bites its proverbial nails for the entire summer movie release season, living with the fear that they have made that one mistake, made that one movie that will take them into a downward spiral of cinematic death. One from which they will never recover. Oh, the inhumanity.
Well, maybe that’s a tad bit dramatic. But seriously. Summer movies are highly anticipated and fans daren’t be disappointed. Hey, Hollywood…word up! You better do a good job. We have oodles of free time this Summer and demand to be entertained! But, sadly, that’s probably too much to ask. Among the few goodies, there’s bound to be some…badies? Either way, you get the idea.
Keep in mind, while some of these films have already been released, their final numbers or theatre runs haven’t been tallied yet. Here are the 15 Summer movies that are bound to flop this year.
15. The Purge: Election Year
This one really baffles me, to say the least. The fact that it IS election year in the real world is bad enough, but now we have a horror movie that is based around that very subject? Sigh. The third installment in what I thought would be a crash and burn franchise goes to show that maybe I don’t know as much as I thought I did about movies. I mean, honestly, this movie combines both mud-slinging and blood-slinging. I am not sure those are really two premises that work hand in hand with each other. But then again, with the current mood of the country, maybe it does. I really don’t think the makers of this series of films are really trying to send a message, or anything like that, at least I pray not. After the first one, they have come to realize that they have hit on something that brings fans of the genre to the box office, and makes money. It has to be the total sensationalism of the movie itself, because goodness knows it is not the plotline.
14. Bad Moms
Just the two words together, in the title of this movie, make me cringe. The very idea that someone would want to make a movie like this, makes me wonder just what is going on in Hollywood these days. A movie, about three moms, who have tee totally lost their ever-loving minds, and become a middle-aged version of Girls Gone Wild. Or maybe I should say “Mom’s Gone Wild.” Puh-leaze. This movie will only serve to cater to those viewers who are irresponsible in their own right. Sure, there will be some funny hijinks, and it may even make a few bucks. But, the premise alone pretty much shouts out that the plot line will be flimsy. I sure hope the makers do not expect the audience to take this one seriously. It also goes to show just how stumped Hollywood seems to be for coming up with original material. Sure, this one may be entertaining to some, but at the same time it shows that good writing may have gone the way of the dodo bird.
First off, let me say upfront that I am an UBER fan of the original franchise. I mean, who couldn’t just love the whole gang over at Ghostbusters, and the sliming…made me laugh every time. So, imagine my excitement when they announced they were re-booting the franchise? And imagine my REAL excitement when they said one of the roles would be played by Chris Hemsworth? Now, imagine my bubble being burst when I watched the trailer and saw the limp storyline and poor effects. But, throwing in Chris Hemsworth for occasional eye candy was a good move on their part. At least there’s that. The plot line, from the previews, seems to play more on laughs, unlike the original which also had substance. I fear that this version will leave a bad taste in the mouth of viewers, and will hurt the entire franchise, including the original classic itself.
12. Sausage Party
Okay, a movie starring the voice of Seth Rogen as an animated sausage? Well, color me surprised! What I can’t understand is why, oh why does Hollywood make this type of movie, with this type of raunchy adult humor, and make it with food of all things? And animated! Does animating it give the actors, and the creators, a little less embarrassment of the manner in which they are telling a very adult geared story? And, imagine trying to explain to your kids, who see the previews that NO it is not like the Veggie Tales, only with other types of food. I am sure the young adults will think it is cute, and funny. But, the over-all public will see it for what it is–crude, adolescent humor which will be the downfall of this totally childish creation. Come on Hollywood, for Pete’s sake, your better than this…aren’t you? Surely such crude humor isn’t all you have in your arsenal. Is it?
11. Hillary’s America
One would take issue with the strategic release date of this one, if one really cared about it to begin with. We, the people, do not need a movie made, to tell us that Hillary Clinton is not the person she proposes to make us think she is. We do not need a film to know that she has more shady dealings under her belt than you can shake a stick at. Do we really need a film to rehash and remind us of all the dirty little secrets that the Clintons, as a team, are the caretakers of? I mean, honestly, is this what the film industry is coming to? In the guise of entertainment, taking a political stance, and calling it cinema. Shame on you Hollywood!! I am in no way a fan of Mrs. Clinton, and for that reason I do not need to see her shenanigans on the big screen. I can watch all that on my TV any given time of the day, or day of the week. Get over it for goodness sake!
10. Lights Out
After reading the synopsis on this movie, I can’t help but think that the plot may play out all over the place. The horror genre is a big money maker; that is a fact. But, not every horror movie can carry off scary or bloody just for the sake of scary or bloody. There needs to be some sort of a plot, or premise that is halfway believable and engages the viewer. And if it is a premise or plot that has been totally done to death, then rehashing it will not make it a winner. How many times can the story be told about a vengeful spirit, working through or towards a young child? But wait, turns out there is a connection to one of the parents. But of course! And, who is caught in the middle of it all, well an older sibling. Can we say, “been there, done that” way too many times to count?
9. Ice Age: Collision Course
I am the first to admit, I loved the first Ice Age movie. It was so different, and the humor was fantastic. And whoever had the brainstorm of Romano and Leary, kudos to you! But, it seems with each new sequel released something is lost. And now, with the latest sequel, I can’t but feel maybe this franchise might have more than run its course. The jokes are to the point of predictable and drab in the last movie, and the plot seemed to drag and lack luster. I cannot see this newest installment being that much better. And let’s be honest, a Romano and Leary team up worked great for a while, but now it is just mostly…meh. In today’s cinema, there are animated movies by the handful. To stand out, or even just keep up is a daunting task. I do not see this movie doing either. With all the high profile voices added to this one, it seems even the creators know that it is a long shot. Sometimes Hollywood just needs to let go, and this is definitely one of those times.
Oh, joy. Just what the world needs today, another teen angst movie, one that revolves around video games, and the bad things that can happen when you play them. Are you kidding me? How many of these types of movies, with plots that are simply regurgitated again and again, with different characters, are there going to be? It seems like there is at least one each year. The plot is always pretty much the same—sad teenager looks for something to make their life full. She joins in a video game, finding out that there is more to it than meets the eyes, and she proceeds to get in way over her head. Then someone has to come to her rescue, to save her from basically herself. (Insert a gagging sound here.) This is just another fine example that Hollywood is just recycling scripts, changing the names and the locations, and thinking that the viewing audience is not even catching on. But they are, believe me, they are.
7. Jason Bourne
Coming off of the popularity of the Bourne series of books, the whole Bourne franchise had the looks of being a lasting money maker. I say HAD the looks, but we found out otherwise. First, Matt Damon was Bourne, then he wasn’t Bourne, then he was Bourne again (take notice of what I did there?). And in between we were introduced to Aaron played by Jeremy Renner. Renner took the franchise by its toenails, and made it his own. I, for one, was looking forward to many more chapters of the series involving Renner’s character. But then it was announced there would be a new Bourne movie. Yippy Skippy! But wait! Matt Damon is back. What?! Where did Renner go? Why?! Did Damon miss the filming? Did he miss the action? I say no, he totally got jealous! The press that Renner was getting, about how he more than replaced Damon, and was pretty much making the franchise his own had to be killing Damon. Jealousy is an ugly beast. And it appears Damon had it in spades. But, coming back did not help his case any as the original Bourne. He needs to let it go and move on, his character has evolved off the screen…it’s dead Jim!
6. Nine Lives
Like the story title, I wish I had nine lives, because if I watch this movie, I have the suspicion I will have lost one for sure. Kevin Spacey is a good comedic actor, and he had more than proven that he has the chops for the genre. But, it is an old saying in Hollywood if you don’t want the scene stolen from you do not work with children or pets. In this movie he would appear to work with, and as both. Other than the age old storyline of the workaholic dad, who undervalues both, his wife and his child, this movie mixes in a cat that is not really a “cat.” As with most of these movies, there is a story being told, to point out a lesson to the viewers. Don’t lose sight of what you have. Hollywood seems to think they need to educate its viewer on their own lives, and tell them how they are living them wrong. And, this movie is no different. The plot line is so predictable, the viewer would be able to stay three steps ahead and not lose pace. Stop trying to the conscience of your paying viewers…okay?
5. Mechanic: Resurrection
Jason Statham in his day was the man! But lately it seems he is just taking anything that crosses his desk and going through the motions. The latest sequel to his former action thriller is sure to fall short. The plot line is yet another rehashed assassinate these people or you or someone you care for will die. It is so redundant it is not even worth repeating. Sure, the man can do action. I mean he does flex a good arm muscle. And, he can deliver a good one liner from time to time, no argument there. However his drama skills fall well short of adequate. Brawn and muscle can only carry a movie so far, the old Schwarzenegger movies of the 1980’s more than proved that. The leading man needs to be able to deliver all the goods, brains and brawn, the total package. With Stratham there’s not much of a chance of that happening in this movie. And, I am sure that someone in the casting room thought it would make the movie work if they threw in Jessica Alba. Psssttt, I don’t know how to tell you this, but she is not box office money like she might have once been, just saying.
4. Café Society
What summer movie season would be complete without a boring, time stealing movie written by none other than Woody Allen? The man has been around since dirt was made, and has been writing scripts with no real plot, or storyline, for about the same amount of time. And, from the looks of it, this newest entry into the Allen snooze-fest hall of fame appears to be no different. In a nutshell boy meets girl through a family member, boy gets to know girl, then boy dates girl. After a few dates, boy falls in love with said girl, then for personal reasons boy decides to move far away from girl. Throw in some rambling dialogue, over-priced costuming, and the occasional gangster here and there, and well, you have a movie. At least Allen and Hollywood think you do. The movie goers, they will probably think not so much. But, to be honest, this movie is just another in a line of movies that just because Woody’s name is attached to it, that it must spell gold. You have a rude awakening my friends. Oh and casting Kristen Stewart is your other major mistake.
3. The Infiltrator
I have a feeling that this movie is hanging all of its hopes on one Bryan Cranston. Although I must admit the man rocked in Breaking Bad, lately not some much. Having typecast himself into a corner with that role, his choice of roles since then have lacked in luster and shine. He just seems to be acting as if he is going through the motions, not really giving it his all. Now, he is taking on a part that is said to be so near his Breaking Bad role, that they could be twins. Really? Breaking Bad was ground-breaking television, and no one before or since has come up with anything even remotely like it. But, this movie is its twin? Okay, whatever you say. But, just putting that out there is not going to make it so. The fans are expecting his award winning character, and sad to say, I believe they are going to be highly disappointed. And, the Pablo Escobar real life story is kind of lame, and getting old as well. You might want to try a few new movies about other gangsters and thugs, okay Hollywood?
2. Into The Forest
And here we have it folks—the token end of the world, run for your lives, it’s the apocalypse movie of the season. Why am I not surprised? Because like death and taxes, you can be sure that Hollywood will not break its routine. They have to have a doom and gloom, re-evaluate your place in this world load of crappola each and every year. But this one is different. It involves the almost ridiculous storyline of two women, who are already living isolated, that have to “learn” to live in the new world around them, fighting for their survival. Helloooo? What part of “isolated” are the writers not grasping in their own script? I am sure that this one will drag and end up being a real downer. I can so see why it has a limited release. Even the makers know not to waste much of their time, or ours.
Okay now, you didn’t think Hollywood would let you get by without one predictable, virus wipes out the world movie, now did you? I mean, surely not! They would never deprive you of that. Never! Although, in this case, you may wish they had. This is another teenage sibling story, where they have to band together against the world. That is until it turns into every sister for themselves. To be honest, these kinds of low budget, bad acting, story has been told so many times you can almost do the dialogue. These types of offerings are just filler. They have to be. I mean, no one really thinks they are new and fresh do they? Do they? Teenage angst used to tell a good story. But these days, you can get all the adolescent whining on television, with about as much substance to the storyline that you could possibly handle. But, to be honest, these types of movies are aimed at the same whining teens that are in the featured in the movie itself. And I am sure they will crawl to this movie, like, well like the worms crawled to the people in the story. Wait, ewww!
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