Celebs put their names on just about everything, from perfume to furniture, claiming these products are their own creations, but we all know they just signed on the dotted line, smiled for a few print ads, filmed a commercial or two and cashed a hefty check. With books, it’s mostly the same, celebs working with ghostwriters and then claiming they wrote a book (it’s surprising some of these authors can even read). Here are 15 books written by celebs. Some of these are fiction; others are non-fiction- they are written by actors, singers, reality stars and even a dog. Who knew dogs (and most the people on this list) could write books?
15. Swan by Naomi Campbell
Here’s a excerpt from the book Ms. Campbell herself, said in an interview, she “just did not have the time to sit down and write,”
Sprawled in front of a spin drier, wearing nothing but a pair of white cotton briefs and sneakers, her cropped hair thrown back as she chugalugged a can of Diet Coke, her pierced nose with the chain stretched across her face and running down her lip, Celestia came across on the page as an un unmistakably classy piece of a**.
Nothing says class like chugalugging Diet Coke and white cotton briefs…. Surely we can all agree. Clearly, the person who wrote the book for Ms. Campbell did not know the meaning of the word classy, but they did know the meaning of the word a**. There’s a reason why models generally write memoirs and not novels. Swan certainly serves as an example of that.
14. A Shore Thing by Snooki
Apparently, Snooki from MTV’s Jersey Shore wrote a book. Who knew she could even read? One thing’s for shore, she certainly wasn’t preparing her outline while partying and drinking with the rest of her Jersey Shore friends.
Gia hoisted the front section of her hair, holding it high over her head with one hand. With her other hand, she gave it a blast of spray. Then she twisted the clump into a bubble, and fastened it in the back with a butterfly clip, aka, a tramp clamp. She tried and true technique should have worked. But her bump fell to one side like a deflated tire.
“Waa!” she whined at her reflection, but just for a second. Complaining wouldn’t fix her pouf. It wouldn’t make her tall and skinny. Or turn her rented Seaside Heights beach house/dump into a palace.
While this novel is clearly based on Snooki’s life, I wonder if she was paid extra to divulge her awesome hair styling secrets? If so, that was most certainly a mistake on the publisher’s part.
13. Elixir by Hilary Duff
Someone should have told Hilary Duff that Elixir makes a better name for a perfume than a novel. Did Duff write this paranormal fantasy book because she wasn’t cast in Twilight? Or did she have an abnormal fantasy that this book would be successful? It wasn’t because she hasn’t written another one since.
Like my father’s coffin. Did he have a coffin? Was he even buried? Did anyone even know when he died? Was he alone, lost in the jungle? Was he attacked by animals? Was he found and tortured? Had he prayed for us to save him before it was too late?
That did it. Now I was hyperventilating. I closed my eyes and forced my arms up and apart, swimming for dear life through layers of writhing, grinding bodies. I nearly cried when I felt a burst of winter air on my face. I’d made it out to the balcony. I staggered to an open love seat and leaned against its back as I drank in gulp after gulp of fresh air.
12. First Step 2 Forever: My Story by Justin Bieber
It seems like everything that Justin Bieber does, ends up raking in the dough, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a high quality product. It’s hard to take a book seriously when the title is written like a Tweet someone is trying to shorten. Sort of like Bieber’s staying power, you just can’t take it seriously….
11. Hooking Up with Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being the Life of the Party by Tila Tequila
Just because someone had a show called A Shot At Love, doesn’t make her an expert on the subject. In fact, it pretty much showed that she sucks at love. Tila Tequila is also famous, but not because she’s successful, but because of her antics and chaotic relationship with the late heiress, Casey Johnson (who was moderately famous, to be fair). But, to give her credit, she can probably give pretty good advice at being the “life of the party,” because she is certainly good at that. With a name like Tila Tequila- how could she not be?
10. Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore by Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino
Here’s an excerpt, which should speak for itself:
“Nine out of then times, the grenade is a grenade because she’s ugly and fat. She’s mad at you and at life because everyone is more interested in her hot friend. (On rare occasions, a cute girl can slide into grenade status because of a horribly bitchy personality, or for being obsessive and possessive about the guy she wants to be with. But possessive chicks are better described as Stage Five Clingers, which we’ll get to in Chapter Eight.)”
Is this a published book? Or a Facebook status update? It sounds like the rant of a rejected teenager, who got turned down by a less attractive girl for a homecoming dance. It is so horribly written, had anyone else attempted to publish it- he would have been sent back to Kindergarten, which, we could all agree, is pretty much where The Situation’s maturity level is. The entire idea of this book is so mean-spirited, it’s no wonder why karma caught up to The Situation and he is currently under investigation for tax evasion. We hope he wasn’t paid too much for this book.
9. A Piece of My Mind: Poetry by Charlie Sheen
Here is a poem from the book:
Afternoon chaos turned to laughter,
As the lady in grey pierces the surface of the private aquarium,
Peach body held tight by the warmth of day,
Eyes fixed to locate, steady flow consumed,
A charred eruption takes suddenly the safety from her glow.
No place to hide, clear water raging black,
Looking hard for shallow hope, it’s gone, she consumed it.
Mascara bleeding, eyes of fire turned to stone,
Forced smile fading, laughing jackal breaks the leash.
Cue the cuckoo clock…. If you ever thought Charlie Sheen’s “Winning” and “Tiger Blood” were an act, all you have to do is read this poem to realize he wasn’t faking the break down. These poems are totally crazy. Written in 1990, it’s interesting to wonder if Sheen has any pieces of his mind left.
8. A Mother’s Gift by Britney and Lynne Spears
This is a novel, as it says on the book cover. After this book, Lynne went on to write an actual memoir called, Through The Storm. Britney went on a failed marriage, personal breakdown and legal conservator-ship by her father. So, it seems safe to say that there won’t be a follow-up. But, if Britney wrote a memoir, we’d totally read that.
7. Modelland by Tyra Banks
Tyra Banks probably wrote this entire book using eyeliner pencil on an iPad. This excerpt makes just about as much sense as Charlie Sheen’s Poetry.
Crash. The De La Crème white and cream blow-up tent went down as two brawling girls entered it. Oof. A girl who looked as if she had never walked in heels before stumbled, breaking the tips of both stilettos. Two girls got into a fight at the end of their makeshift catwalk, rolling to the ground. “Kenya, use the Gyaku Zuki move!” her mother screamed. “Reverse-punch the hairy hag! But watch your hair, sweetie!”
Tyra Banks’ prose almost rivals Naomi Campbell’s for terribly written. This except literally makes no sense. The scarier part of this is that Tyra probably didn’t write this book herself. Even worse, someone chose to publish it.
6. The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries: My Life Tailing Paris Hilton by Tinkerbell Hilton
If you wanted to know the dirt on Paris Hilton, who knows more than her tiny dog, Tinkerbell? While this book is definitely a novelty, it was well reviewed, but not by The Taco Bell Dog or The Beverly Hills Chihuahua…. They’re probably jealous. What dog wouldn’t want to live the glamorous life Paris lives?
5. Star by Pamela Anderson
This excerpt proves that if there’s something Pamela Anderson knows about, it’s boobs:
Honey,” Lucille said, stroking her daughter’s hair. “What’s wrong?”
“I…I found…a lump,” Star managed to choke out.
“A lump?” Lucille asked, confused.
“Right here.” Star took her mother’s hand and placed in on the poisonous node. “I think it’s cancer.”
“Oh,” Lucille said, drawing back suddenly and laughing as she wrapped her arms around her beloved daughter. “Well, well, well,” she said, rocking Star gently. “You’re not dying, you’re just growing up. Looks like you’re finally going to get some boobs. You’re becoming a woman, honey. You’re blooming!”
And bloom she did. Her breasts came on suddenly and tenaciously, as if trying to make up for lost time. The hard bump turned out to be one of a pair of unruly and self-willed nipples.
This novel (no surprises here) offers a semi-true glimpse into the life of the beer model, turned Baywatch Babe. This book is probably really interesting to fans of the starlet and probably no one else. And in case you were wondering, yes- there’s a sequel called Star Struck.
4. Two of a Kind: Debate By Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
No one can debate that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have made a whole lot of money off putting their names on everything from toothpaste to books. In fact, the twins “wrote” a whole slew of children’s books. In 2008, they actually wrote a real book called Influence, which was about fashion. It was a beautiful coffee table book, which was artistic and defiantly not for the Two of A Kind crowd. It also doesn’t look like one twin was choking the other on the cover…
3. Rebels City of Indra by Kendall and Kylie Jenner
It’s an open fact that this dystopian YA novel was actually written by Maya Sloan. With abysmal reviews and even worse sales, it’s safe to say that Kylie and Kendall Jenner should go back to designing their line for Pac-Sun. While Sloan has said that the sisters helped write and edit the book, with everything else they do from reality shows to modeling, it’s hard to understand how they had time to keep up with this.
2. Rogue by Fabio
Male model and icon, Fabio proves that just because you can be on the cover of a book (or hundreds of books in Fabio’s case), doesn’t mean you can actually write a book. He must have been confused. Let’s be real, Fabio can’t conquer every aspect of the book industry.
1. Git-R-Done by Larry the Cable Guy
If your title isn’t even in English, you probably shouldn’t be writing a book in the first place. Remember, this book is written in character by someone who has entirely no character. Hopefully, by Git-R-Done, he means he’s done trying to write books.