The single best thing about video games is the fact that you can do things you’d never even dream of doing in real life. I’m sure somewhere there is a Sit On Your Arse, Getting Fatter and Being a General Disappointment Simulator, but that isn’t why we play them.
We play them as a form of escapism. We play them to keep ourselves entertained, frustrated and alert all at the same time. What has always fascinated me in games is the never ending list of ludicrously powerful weapons you have at your disposal to wield and cause absolute havoc with.
They range from the relatively realistic to the outright unbelievable. One minute you can be using a poisoned dart to turn foes in allies and the next you can be sat in the comfort of an armchair, blasting the life out of enemies with two attached mini-guns. These are the 15 weapons game designers had a great time with, knowing you would too…
15. Protec Grappler G3 – Just Cause 3
Half mode of transportation, half weapon of mass enjoyment, the grappling hook in Just Cause 3 turns the dictatorship of Medici into a playground of explosive proportions. Upgraded from Just Cause 2, the G3 allows you to attach three items together.
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stuck two helicopters to a goat and made them collide (if you have please, please seek help)? Or have you ever wondered what would happen if you attached a man to a small gas tank? He flies like an eagle! It is also particularly useful when you need to destroy a settlement – there’s nothing more entertaining than recreating the destruction of Saddam Hussein’s statue… over and over again but this time from a parachute!
14. Beserker Darts – Assassins Creed Series
I know what you’re thinking; How in fresh hell did these make the list? They’re not mental or mildly crazy. The main reason these make the list is because of their effects. What is better than having someone do your dirty work, killing your enemy? Having your enemy going into an unstable state, and killing his friends, before breaking down from the inside out and leaving this mortal coil, that’s what.
The darts are also incredibly stealthy. I mean, no-one even asks why their allies would lose their mind like this. You could, if you were so inclined, sit on a rooftop firing these darts off, letting everyone else act like your little minions while you cackle to yourself “Kill my pretties, kill!”
13. Drill – Bioshock 2
Remember the first time you played Bioshock and a Big Daddy would come running at you, plunging that horrific industrial sized drill into your torso? It spurred a need to be that destructive and Bioshock 2 let you wield that power! There was something weirdly satisfying about driving a giant drill, that was essentially one of your limbs into a splicer’s chest (in a weird, serial killer kind of way).
The drill was not only extremely powerful at close distance, but also allowed the wielder to charge from a distance and knock the poor, unsuspecting victim into the nearest wall/tree/electrified puddle of water. Combine this with the fact that Bioshock 2 allowed you to wield a plasmid and a weapon, the drill became a formidable addition to your arsenal. It was also practically useful but if you’re not disemboweling plasmid addicted freaks, who cares?
12. Banana – Mario Kart
Let’s face it, a banana is a slapstick weapon at best. Another undeserving weapon that isn’t even a weapon. Well, if you’re playing Mario Kart and you’re in front of everyone else, 99% of the weapons are useless to you. They all fly forward, knocking out the people who are better than you at the game. What if you’re the best of the best? What if you’re leading the pack but one pesky pain in the backside won’t get off your scent? That’s when these slippery smilers come into effect.
A well-dropped banana can knock even the most prudent of drivers off course. And even if you miss, these things don’t just disappear. You’ll see them every lap until they knock someone out! They’re persistent little buggers!
11. Fat Man – Fallout 3, 4 & New Vegas
In games there’s always a worry that you haven’t quite killed the enemy. You can empty an entire magazine of bullets from some poxy minigun and there’s still a chance of survival. So why not ensure that nothing survives? And I’m not just talking about the enemy you’re aiming at, that includes all plant and animal life in a 2 mile radius.
The Fat Man is a miniature nuclear bomb, complete with mini mushroom cloud and chance of radiation poisoning. Talk about overkill, taking your frustrations out on a single ghoul with a blast big enough to take down a small city is satisfying to the highest degree. The only issue with the Fat Man is that you have to stand back because, if you don’t, you will be part of that beautiful mushroom cloud.
10. EXPcalibur – Dying Light
Dying Light isn’t renowned for its extensive choice of madcap weaponry. However, there is a legend that a sword was forged that, in the hands of the right free runner, would turn the zombie world upside down. And from this EXPcalibur was born. EXPcalibur is a “secret” weapon, made not so secret by the internet. Finding EXPcalibur takes a lot of swimming and a lot of consistent button holding in a sword in the stone situation.
I think it’s safe to say the end justifies the means, as a simple swing from EXPcalibur can chop an undead creep in half, but a fully charged swing can send those zombies into orbit. Despite a low durability, EXPcalibur is an insanely powerful weapon that will see you walk through hordes. Find out how to get the EXPcalibur here via PS4Trophies on YouTube.
9. The Dude – Sunset Overdrive
One of the best things about Xbox One exclusive Sunset Overdrive is the absolutely ludicrous nature of the weapons. Stuffed bears filled with TNT and flaming vinyl records are just some of the weapons on offer to wreak havoc upon Sunset City’s newest residents. One weapon, however trumps them all and that is The Dude.
If you haven’t guessed by the blatantly obvious Big Lebowski reference, this gun fires bowling bowls with explosive tendencies, designed to clear anything that stands in your way. There are specific challenges geared towards this weapon, whereby a horde of OD run at you and you “bowl them over” so to speak. Not with your charm or good looks but with a gun that shoots bowling balls at a frightening speed. Would it be too cliche to end this section with strike in capital letters?
8. Drill Bucket – Dead Rising 2
In the first Dead Rising there was nothing more enjoyable than placing giant Lego style heads onto zombies in a shopping mall before pinging golf balls off the big yellow targets. Despite it being a lot of fun it doesn’t really count as a “weapon.” So Dead Rising upped their game and introduced the drill bucket.
It does exactly what it says on the tin and the formula is relatively simple: drill plus bucket equals drill bucket. Slip one of these bad boys onto the heads of one of the shuffling undead and watch as you make a brain cocktail with something that wouldn’t look out of place in a futuristic version of Sweeney Todd. Complete with POP sound effect as the head turns to mush, the drill bucket is a zombie killer’s essential.
7. Penetrator – Bulletstorm
If you haven’t played Bulletstorm, imagine Gears Of War on LSD and steroids and you’re not far off. You can always expect brilliant things from a game when you get extra points for shooting enemies in the genitals. What’s that? Nut shots don’t do it for you? Well then you need the Penetrator (there’s a bit of theme here isn’t there!?).
The Penetrator fires drills into enemies that can stick them to walls, other enemies or even into the floor. This allows for extra fun, particularly the cruel points booster “breakdance” in which you stick enemies to the floor and make their bodies spin like a washing machine drum, while they’re still alive. It kind of makes Bioshock’s drill look a bit soft. Step up your game Big Daddies.
6. Armchair-A-Geddon – Saints Row: Gat Out Of Hell
Saints Row had to get on this list somewhere. When you think about insane weapons, Saints Row pretty much wrote the book. From The Penetrator (not to be mistaken with the previous entry) which is the larger than life purple dildo on a stick to the world famous Dubstep Gun that fires monstrous beats and takes over the bodily functions of anyone it’s aimed at… There’s something for everyone.
The one weapon that doesn’t get the credit it deserves is the Armchair-A-Geddon. Imagine mowing down multitudes of people from the comfort of your own armchair!? And if the mini-guns attached to the side don’t tickle your fancy, just recline and enjoy the fireworks of two RPGs. Comfortable and deadly. What more could you ask for?
5. Big Foam Hand Cannon – Dead Space 2
Making it through galactic fright-fest Dead Space 2 on normal mode is difficult enough (without a change of underwear at least). Completing the game on hardcore mode, however, is a very different matter. If you make complete this incredible feat, you deserve something of unspeakable value. So the Dead Space 2 devs decided to reward you with an amazingly powerful giant foam finger.
Now you can celebrate in style as you sh*t yourself, shooting projectiles out of a giant foam hand. Not enough? Every time you shoot you’re treated to a little voice shouting “pew” or “bang.” You lucky, talented devils you.
4. The Gold Glove Of Doom – Ratchet & Clank
We all like having little companions in a game. FarCry Primal’s new animal system is incredible, especially when you have a bear as a bodyguard and knowing there’s a Super Mutant that has your back in Fallout 4 makes life a little easier. None of these companions compare to the little explosive robots that are fired out by the maxed out Gold Glove Of Doom in Ratchet & Clank.
Simply fire ahead and watch as your volatile little friends take care of anything in their way. Like a pack of metallic little locusts during some 31st century plague. Just don’t get overly attached to the little blighters because once their little heads explode… well, let’s just say they go to the scrapyard in the sky. Bless them.
3. Cerebral Bore – Turok 2: Seeds Of Evil
Homing launchers have always been brilliant pieces of weaponry in games. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that once I’ve sent that rocket propelled grenade off out into the big wide world, it will definitely find its target. However, there’s a chance they could survive the blast in some action film style flip. Not with Turok’s Cerebral Bore.
No, this guarantees instant death as your projectile buried its way into the target’s skull, making a mush of their grey matter in front of your very eyes. Brutal? Maybe. Effective? Undoubtedly. You know that the Cerebral Bore is hardcore as holy hell when a band names themselves after the lethal weapon and release songs with titles like “Maniacal Miscreation” and “Entombed In Butchered Bodies.” Grim.
2. Mr. Toots – Red Faction Armageddon
I tried my hardest not to include this weapon in this list, I really did. It is the popular kid that everyone wants to talk about – and with good reason. Mr Toots is a unicorn. No, this isn’t some kind of twisted joke. From “a land of magic and wonder” comes a unicorn that fires deadly yet sparkly rays out of its jacksie.
I don’t know what is more worrying about this weapon; the concept of the weapon itself, the faces Mr Toots makes when you’re not firing, or the excruciating pain he seems to go through when you force him to release his star-spangled farts. Whoever came up with the idea for Mr Toots is either a complete weirdo or loves LSD. Either way, that person has given us a gift.
1. The Bane – Borderlands 2
The list finishes off with a sub-machine gun. That’s right. We’ve had chairs that could end world wars and rainbow-sh*tting unicorns and we depart company on a sub-machine gun. The Bane is a paradox in itself, in that you will want to use this gun because of its power and fire rate. However this gun has a life of its own.
If you even dream of trading it in or out, you will be greeted with “SWAPPIN’ WEAPONS!” and the noise it makes when it fires is only described by the Borderlands subtitles as “annoying sound.” I don’t know why, and I hate myself for it, but I used this gun more than regularly, just so I could giggle like a child at the sheer ridiculousness of it.
Well, what do you think? I haven’t played every game ever made, so I may have missed something off the list! What did I miss?