The Simpsons is a classic TV show that will never go out of style. A hundred years from now, people will still be exclaiming “D’oh,” will still be laughing when Bart and Lisa fight, and will still be clamoring for an Itchy and Scratchy spin-off. Everything about the show is golden, from its unique characters, to its Halloween episodes, to its one-liners. But a true fan of The Simpsons is also a foodie, and wants to gobble up all the unique (and sometimes strange) foods that have been portrayed over the years.
Everyone wants to try Marge’s famous jelly bean cookies, and her marshmallow squares. They’d even try her delicious celery soup if only given the chance. And of course, we can’t forget Homer’s donut obsession. But the foods that truly entice fans the most are the ones that are Simpsons-specific. The foods and drinks that can only be found in Springfield, and not on any other store shelves. Over the years, we’ve been teased by tasty creations like lobsters stuffed with tacos as served at The Gilded Truffle, Simpson & Son Revitalizing Tonic and the Krusty Klump Bar. Some foods even sound so bad that we are compelled to try them just to have the pleasure of spitting them out, such as Grade F meat as served at Springfield Elementary School (it’s mostly circus animals) and Red Tick Beer.
So join us on a culinary adventure courtesy of The Simpsons. We are counting down the top 15 fictional foods from the show that we’d love to taste. Have a napkin ready, because your mouth is going to water!
What kid growing up watching The Simpsons didn’t want to try a Squishee from the Kwik-E-Mart? If you didn’t want that, then you’d probably be best friends with Martin Prince! There have been plenty of flavors of Squishees over the years that Bart has tried, like cherry and chutney. The best Squishee he ever drank is hands-down the all-syrup one. Apu strained to make it, as the machine almost didn’t hold. It was one dangerous drink, as Bart and Milhous drank it and got an incredible sugar high. They went on a spree to end all sprees and wound up joining the Junior Campers. Of course the Squishee is a parody of 7-11’s Slurpee, but we still want to drink one. It’s said that the Squishee is truly tooth-rotting, and is way more thick and gloppy.
14. Krusty O’s
The number one selling Krusty brand product has got to be Krusty O’s. We imagine the O’s tasting like a cross between Cookie Crisp and the marshmallows from Lucky Charms. We just know that our days would start out better if we began them with a big bowl of Krusty O’s. Who wants Fruity Pebbles or some healthy Kashi cereal when we can have Krusty O’s?! And what about all the great prizes inside, like a jagged metal Krusty O? Bart ate one, and got to go to the hospital with resulting appendicitis – and got to sue Krusty for $100,000! Now that’s what we call a win-win situation!
This isn’t the first time The Simpsons have lampooned breakfast cereals. They featured Jackie O’s, which came with free stretch pants inside. There was also Juicelix, a play on Muselix. And don’t forget Budget O’s, with their “great frugal taste.”
Any true fan of The Simpsons knows what “Chippos” are. They are potato chips with a hippo as the brand mascot. Cheetos has Chester Cheetah, Wise potato chips has the owl and Bud Light has Spuds MacKenzie. But the Simpsons did it better, because their mascot is a play on words. Homer chomps like an animal on potato chips, and his chip of choice is always Chippos brand. We totally want to have a bite! We bet we couldn’t have just one. And we bet they taste way better than the garbage that is being peddled these days, like wasabi and ginger chips. Most people are like Homer Simpson: they like their chips greasy, their TV loud, and their beer cold! Save the fancy stuff for people like Smithers.
12. Cool Ranch Soda
When the Simpson family tries to save money for a super-saver vacation, they squeeze every penny. They won’t shop at the 99 cent store – and they won’t even shop at the 66 cent store. So, they settle for the 33 cent store which looks like a convenience store out of Mad Max. They have all sorts of disgusting food there, like expired plankton that may contain red tide poisoning and a box that is labeled “ONIONS?” It’s a hilarious send-up of off-brand foods, but there is one thing we’re dying to try: the Cool Ranch Soda. That’s a match made in heaven if ever we heard one. There would be no more mixing Hidden Valley Ranch dressing into our Pepsi if that soda was for sale! And if we didn’t like it, we’d gladly pick up a case of Skittle-Brau. It sounds just crazy enough to work.
11. Grandma Plopwell’s Pudding
Who doesn’t love comfort food with a kindly old lady as the brand ambassador? In real life we have Betty Crocker selling cake mix, and on The Simpsons they have Grandma Plopwell’s Pudding. The low-fat snack is featured on a “How Low Will You Go Contest?” sponsored by Springfield’s favorite radio station, KBBL. Homer makes a spectacle of himself, as he is covered in popcorn kernels which he pops with a hair dryer. The crowd revolts and ends up throwing the pudding (a promotional item) onto the stage – but not before Homer steals second prize, which is a boudoir photo session. We think Grandma Plopwell would be very disappointed by that sort of behavior.
10. Malk And Squeaky Farms Brand Genuine Animal Milk
Who knew that milk wasn’t always milk? Leave it to The Simpsons to find a distinction. In one episode, Spring Elementary School is trying desperately to save money. They cut corners by not buying new textbooks, and cutting out one of the “three Rs.” Things get so bad for the teachers that they strike. As for the students, they are left drinking “malk” – which is a substitute for milk and has Vitamin R in it. Bart is particularly upset by the change, since it makes his bones brittle. Although it’s disgusting, we do want a swig of malk – just once. We really want to know what imitation milk tastes like! Is it watery? Is it gamey? Is it buttery?
Another milk product we want to try in a twisted way is Squeaky Farms Brand Genuine Animal Milk, made by Fat Tony and his mobsters. After the mob lands a contract to supply milk to the elementary school, they start selling rat milk – even though they promised Mayor Quimby it would be dog’s milk or higher. There’s something weirdly enticing about something so gross.
9. Shakespeare’s Fried Chicken
Only the writers of The Simpsons could think up a brand of fried chicken by the name of Shakespeare’s. You have to admit, it takes a certain genius to class up something as humble (and uniquely American) as fried chicken. Everybody on the show enjoys a breast, a thigh or a drumstick, from a young Grandpa Simpson to baby Maggie. Shakespeare’s Chicken is a marketing dynamo on The Simpsons, since they have catchy jingles, and offer coupons. We really want a bite to see how good it really is – and to see if it has different secret herbs and spices than Kentucky Fried Chicken. We figure that if it’s good enough for Homer, then it’s good enough for us. We just hope that the Shakespeare’s brand also has good side dishes, like potato wedges, cole slaw and biscuits.
8. Krusty Burgers… And IRS Burgers
Krusty Burgers sound awful. After all, they have the word “Krusty” in them. Still, that won’t stop us from ordering one. It won’t even stop us from ordering one with special sauce – which, according to the show, is just mayonnaise left out in the sun. Krusty the Klown endorses all sorts of things, from home pregnancy tests to alarm clocks to a summer camp. As long as his products have the Krusty Brand Seal of Approval, then we’re perfectly fine with consuming them. We imagine Krusty Burgers as being just as good as McDonald’s – and twice the price. After all, Krusty has said that it isn’t comedy that’s in his blood but selling out.
We wouldn’t even be averse to trying an IRS Burger. Diehard fans of The Simpsons will fondly remember when the IRS took over Krusty Burger when Krusty was in debt to the government. In order to get an order, a customer had to fill out paperwork, then wait four to six weeks for the food to arrive. And at IRS Burger, the names of the foods are changed. You can have a “tax burger,” an “IRSwich” and a “dependent-size soda.”
7. Cheesus H Rice
Cheesus H Rice isn’t mentioned specifically in any episode of The Simpsons. It is one of those hidden jokes that only hardcore fans of the show will notice. The product has been featured more than once, so don’t go claiming that you missed that episode if you don’t know what we’re talking about. We don’t exactly know what Cheesus H Rice is – which is why we want to try it so badly. It could be a knock-off of Kraft’s Macaroni-and-Cheese. In which case, we’ve got the blue box blues. Or, it could be a version of Rice-a-Roni. And in that case, we’d be jonesing for the San Francisco treat. Maybe it’s just one of those funny foods that the writers came up with, like Ham Ahoy!, Uncle Jim’s Country Fillin’, and Much Ado About Stuffing. The writers on the show are gods – or at least they were during the first twelve-and-a-half seasons!
6. Three-Eyed Fish
Springfield is known for its three-eyed fish. They swim in the waterways near the nuclear power plant, and are rather plentiful. One in particular made a name for himself – Blinky. Bart caught him while fishing one day, and it made news in The Springfield Shopper. This embarrassed Mr. Burns, who owned the nuclear plant and was running for governor at the time. He tried to put a spin on it, claiming that Blinky wasn’t a mutation due to the nuclear plant, but was simply a rung up on the evolutionary ladder. Long story short, Mr. Burns chooses to dine with the Simpsons on the eve of the election – and Marge serves him Blinky for dinner. Since the press is there, Mr. Burns takes a bite but cannot swallow it, and ends up spitting Blinky out.
We know this is gross, but so is Fanta and kale – and yet we still wanted to try those just once. Maybe Mr. Burns was right – maybe Blinky really was a step ahead on the evolutionary chain and therefore he is extra meaty and delicious. Besides, we all know Marge isn’t a great cook. Her cooking only has two moves: shake and bake. Maybe if she fried Blinky then he’d taste more palatable.
5. Powersauce Bar
The Powersauce bar was ahead of its time. Before all the hoopla today surrounding energy bars, protein bars and meal replacement bars, there was the Powersauce bar. It contained the energy of six apples… and recycled Chinese newspapers. (Hey…Deng Xiaoping died!) It was endorsed by none other than Ranier Wolfcastle, action hero and bodybuilder extraordinaire. Homer started eating those things and attained something that had long eluded him: physical fitness! He got so fit that the company enticed him to do a publicity stunt for the bar – climbing the Murderhorn, Springfield tallest mountain. If the Powersauce bar can turn a couch potato like Homer Simpson into a lean, mean, mountain climbing machine, then we’re all in. Who care if eating those bars costs $50 a day?
Where do we start with Tomacco? Tomacco is a crop that only Homer Simpson could grow – and by accident, no less. In one episode he started a farm, and wound up with a plant called “Tomacco” that was part tomato and part tobacco. It had the looks of the fruit with the addictiveness of nicotine. People hated the taste, but yearned for the jumpstart it gave their bodies. Of course hilarity ensued, since Big Tobacco wanted to buy the exclusive rights, and because the animals on the farm went haywire for the stuff.
We’d like to take a bite out of tomacco, because at least it’d be better than cigarettes. For starters, we could get some vitamins in with our nicotine. And if this stuff was real, we could grow it ourselves instead of paying high prices for cigarettes that are then taxed out the wazoo. Even if you don’t want to eat this stuff, you could always drink Tomacco juice, which is featured in the opening credits of The Simpsons. We do advise making it into a Bloody Mary for added appeal. Apparently we aren’t the only ones that feel this way, because a man in Oregon tried to grow his own Tomacco in 2003. If tobacco isn’t your thing, then maybe you’d enjoy Seth and Munchies’ organic juice from Groovy Grove Natural Farm.
3. Gummi Venus de Milo
When Marge and Homer went to the Springfield Candy Convention, they got all sorts of goodies: chocolates, caramels and sour balls. But the most delicious thing they brought home was the Gummi Venus de Milo. She was handcrafted by artisans that worked exclusively in the medium of gummi. She was also protected by a glass case, but it was no match for Homer. He gazed at the Venus and she winked at him. It was then that he knew he had to have her. He broke open the case, snatched her up, and ran for the exit. We can’t say that we blame him, because we’d do the same. Gummi bears and gummi worms can only do so much for the palate. A gummi Venus de Milo would be like eating a concerto, and swallowing a star all in one.
2. Pretzel Wagon
We would like to try some pretzels (also known as Whitey Wackers) from Marge’s Pretzel Wagon. In a business venture gone funny, Marge buys a franchise business that sells pretzels. She and the family band together to make the salty snack, only to run afoul of women like Maude Flanders and Agnes who run a competing food company, as well as the mob. The pretzels are super affordable at a dollar each, and we imagine that they’d taste better than Rold Gold and Aunt Anne’s pretzels combined. If Marge can make a pretzel half as good as she can make jelly bean cookies, then we’re all in. No one cooks as good as mom.
1. Duff Beer, Fudd And The Flaming Homer
We’re tired off all those craft beers and the endless IPAs that are being pushed on us. We want some manly beer, designed for all the Joe Twelve-Packs in the world. We want to drink some Duff! Duff is where it’s at. And why wouldn’t it be? There’s Duff Gardens, where we can put on beer goggles and see the world through the eyes of a drunk. There’s Duff Man – oh yeah! And there’s even an imitator out there – Fudd. Sure, Fudd caused all those hillbillies to go blind – but who cares? Homer enjoyed drinking it when he went to that country bar and met Lurlene Lumpkin who would become the country singer he managed for one episode.
We want some Duff so bad we can taste it. If Barney swears by it, then we’re sure we’d like it because he’s got to be a beer connoisseur. If we went to Moe’s for a cold one, we’d definitely be calling Uber, because you can’t get enough of that wonderful Duff! We’d also order a Flaming Homer. The mix of alcohol and children’s cough syrup alight with fire really makes our mouths water.