With a population of 7.4 billion people in the world, it’s hard to keep tabs on what everyone is up to. There are so many people in India doing a wide range of things under the hot sun, others in Iceland doing Icelandic things on green hills, and still others in Antarctica freezing their cheeks off. It’s way too much data for one person to keep track of or even think about without getting queasy.
Thankfully, for the sake of the well-being of our stomachs, there are public figures out there known as celebrities, who have the altruism to share a lot of their personal business with the public. Phew, thank the gods. Now we can keep track of what other people are up to without losing too much of our own time. Hopefully. Probably not.
Not everything in life is presented to us on a silver platter, though. These celebrities do have their own secrets. Like how they sleep with people they shouldn’t, or how some of them are actually Pokémon who crossed over from their world to spend some time in ours. Cheeky, cheeky tricks, you little creatures, and you would’ve gotten away with it too, but apparently you didn’t account for hardcore investigative journalism. Read it and weep, the evidence is absolutely irrefutable.
15. Beyonce – Lopunny
She’s Foxxy Cleopatra, and she’s a whole lotta Pokémon! Who knew there was a 4th Gen Pokemon right under our noses this whole time? And who knew a bunny could sing so well? Someone should probably tell Jay Z that certain places have laws against marrying animals. The places that don’t probably frown upon marrying fictional beasts. But Beyonce/Lopunny contributes enough to the culture for pretty much every judge to let it slide. Besides, she probably used Attract on Jay Z when they first met. There isn’t a man alive who could resist that. Lucky Jay Z.
Beyonce has made quite a name for herself, considering she’s really just a 4th Gen Pokemon. Her fame and influence seem to double every year. Just like Lopunny, Beyonce will eventually be granted a Mega Evolution, at which point she’ll probably become president. Which way will her policies lean? To the left! To the left!
14. Vin Diesel – Diglett
For years and years, Pokémon trainers have wondered what Diglett’s hidden physique actually looks like. All we really ever see is the head and not an inch more. Everything else is firmly out of sight, forever underground. Well, turns out that the rest of Diglett’s body is actually the chiseled physique of Zander from Fast and the Furious, a.k.a. Shane Wolf from The Pacifier, a.k.a. Vin Diesel.
Be nice to Vin Diesel when you see him. It’s not easy being a Diglett. You’re always in danger of being stepped on all the time. You can never go downtown, can never even see a high-rise view of it. You’re forced to travel underground, everywhere, all the time, and if you let one inch of your underside peek out to the surface, you’ll be shunned by the rest of the Diglett community and left to starve in the caves alone. When you feel death coming near, you’ll peak your head outside the cave to see the light of God, and then a Fearow will scoop you up from the ground and feed you to its young.
13. Tom Cruise – Raticate
How about that? Tom Cruise, you little Raticate! Y’ole scoundrel, you. Why didn’t you tell us you were part of the original 151 this whole time? Really, it’s on us for not realizing it sooner. The similarity is uncanny; the cheekbones, the teeth, the eyes, even the laugh all scream Raticate. This makes Mr. Cruise’s curriculum vitae all the more impressive; most Pokemon don’t even know how to hold a script, let alone read one and somehow find in them the inspiration to act out film roles that sway the masses.
Mr. Tom Cruise, Raticate: thank you. Thank you not only for playing in such stellar films as Jerry Maguire and Mission: Impossible, but for carrying us through Gyms 3 – 6. You were such a help to the party when you learned Hyper Fang. We were sorry to let you go late-game, but Snorlax was the Normal type the party needed. It was for the party, Tom Cruise. For the Party.
12. Kylie Jenner – Gardevoir
A wild Gardevoir appeared! Like, everywhere… turns out that psychic persuasion has been a part of the Kardashian-Jenner megavirus all along. Anyone see that coming? Kylie Jenner certainly did — she knows Future Sight. Well if these fake plastic girls will be the ones to drag us into the underworld, it’ll at least bring us comfort to know that the one orchestrating the whole thing was a Psychic Pokemon so powerful, 7 billion unfocused human minds would have never stood a chance.
Just like Beyonce’s upcoming mega evolution into Mega Lopunny, one day Kylie Jenner will inevitably evolve into Mega Gardevoir. That’ll be the nail on humanity’s coffin, for sure, sure, sure. It was fun while it lasted. We got to talk to each other, drive cars, watch movies, play Pokemon. In a way, it’s fitting that a Pokemon will spell the death of us all. Well played, Kylie Jenner. Well played.
11. Nicki Minaj – Jynx
There’s always been a certain quality to Nicki Minaj that led us to think she’s something other than human. We initially thought it was robotic or alien in nature, but now it totally makes sense that she’s Jynx, an Ice/Psychic type Pokemon. Jynx has been a bizarre figure in Pokemon lore ever since she was introduced in the original 151 roster, so it makes sense that she would want to start fresh as a human being. Jynx dolled herself up, took up singing and dancing, sculpted herself a killer booty out of ice, and broke the mainstream in half as her new self, Nicki Minaj.
Jynx is all about that bass, now. She found peace and worldwide acceptance as Nicki Minaj, and she’ll never look back on her old life again. This is great news for the twerkers and real unfortunate for Pokemon trainers. Jynx’s Speed and Special stat made for some clutch offense in a party. These days there are more twerkers than Pokemon trainers, and the majority always wins.
10. Lady Gaga – Blaziken
Sly, sly Lady Gaga has been parading herself as a Pokemon this whole time right before our very damn eyes. The subterfuge is impeccable; only in the right setting and with the right outfit (like in the pic shown above) can we really see indications of her true form. Miss Gaga even had the nerve to put her big secret right under our nostrils in her 2008 track ‘Poker Face’. In it she blatantly sings, “Can’t read my, can’t read my, no you can’t read my Poker Face,” essentially hinting to the world that she’s actually Fire/Fighting type Pokemon Blaziken. Well guess what, Gaga: we read your poker face, and now see it as the Pokemon face it truly is. You were on the edge of glory, Gaga, but now the world knows who you are. Soon it’ll be back to the Pokeball for you. And that’s if your lucky — if we had our way, you’d be collecting pixellated dust in one of Bill’s boxes for the rest of your days. It was your hubris that sunk you, my lady. Be humble next time.
9. Jorge Garcia – Snorlax
Hurley! Dude… Why didn’t you just come out and say you were Snorlax all along? Did you think we wouldn’t accept you, even for a second? We love Snorlax. Well admittedly we did hate you for a while when you blocked our way out of Celadon city, but that’s all water under the bridge, dude! You know all about water, having stared off at the ocean for a better part of 6 seasons while you were lost on that island. We all thought you’d be the first to starve to death on the island, but you ended up pulling through. Still, what a tough break, dude. Dude! Tell us, dude, was the island really just a metaphor for purgatory? Did you really die in that plane crash? Okay at least tell us why the show went downhill so quickly after season 2. Was there a Sleep Powder contamination in the writer’s room? Can’t believe you’re Snorlax, dude. That’s awesome.
8. Pauly D – Hitmonchan
How did we not catch this one right away? It was right there, as clear as a bell. The fist bumps, the fist bumps… only a Hitmonchan can deliver such seamless, rhythmic punches to the sky. And the hair, the hair… it’s as if Pauly D felt shame for hiding his identity, and wanted to be caught and revealed so he could be rid of his guilt. Maybe some part of him misses the Pokemon life. The nu-guinea life of partying all the time and being a DJ is fun for a while, but a pure Fighting type Pokemon lives for the thrill of the battle. Pauly D would have probably gone out in public in a little purple dress soon if we hadn’t found him out. Now the world knows, now he can rest. Hitmonchan, go! Go back to Kanto, go punch and get punched, like you were always meant to. Let your spirit soar and let the Sky Uppercuts fly.
7. Samuel L. Jackson – Buffalon
We took Samuel L. Jackson dead seriously when he played Jules Winfield in Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction. Everything about that role screamed stoicism and dead seriousness, from when he shot those guys to death after reciting the bible passage, to when he confessed his intention to wander the Earth as a free man near the film’s end. Only a human being could be taken so seriously in a role. A Pokemon would never be able to pull it off, least of all a Pokemon like Buffalon. Buffalon was a normal type Pokemon his whole life, and he dreamed of eventually becoming anything but Normal. Watching classic films as a calf, Buffalon always wanted nothing more than to add to the world of cinema and the human conversation through his acting. That’s exactly what he did, and we can’t fault him for fooling us. We should thank him actually, for being living, breathing proof that all dreams, no matter how unlikely, can come true.
6. Amber Rose – Mewtwo
If we’ve learned one thing in our Pokemon journey, it’s this: don’t f*** with Mewtwo. Kanye West presumably never played Pokemon. If he did, he surely would not have lashed out at Amber Rose a few months back via Twitter. If he knew of Mewtwo’s wrath, he would have kept his mouth shut and his Twitter fingers in his pockets. But he didn’t, and his public image paid the price. Frankly, Kanye got off real easy. Mewtwo could have instantly teleported to Kanye’s room after he posted the Tweet. Rose/Mewtwo could have lifted Kanye West off the ground with her telekinetic abilities and smashed him from one wall to the other 100 times without breaking a sweat. She could have aimed a Confusion attack at the front of his skull and turned him into a vegetable. But for some strange reason she took the high rood and merely destroyed him over Twitter. A strange instance of humanity from the mysterious Psychic Pokemon.
5. Miley Cyrus – Lickitung
Lickey lickey eh, Miley? This was obvious from right after Hannah Montana wrapped. No human being would possibly lick the thin air in front of her face that often, for no apparent reason at all. Only one entity has that inclination: Lickitung, classic freak Normal type from the original roster. Lickitung was born to lick things over and over again. When she crossed over into the human world, she desired so fiercely to lick publicly and frequently that she designed a whole prehistory for herself as a wholesome Disney girl who would eventually break into adulthood with a licking bang. Miley Cyrus/Lickitung came in like a wrecking ball, and now she’s here to stay. She doesn’t care about the gossip regarding her actions. She just wants to sing, dance, and lick things. Nothing makes her happier in life. We believe that everyone should do what makes them happiest. So keep licking, Lickitung. Keep licking.
4. Donald Trump – Yungoos
Yungoos is an unreleased Pokemon set to be introduced in Pokemon Sun and Moon, the next generation of the games. Not much is known about the mysterious little rodent, but our theory is that he is an evil mastermind who infiltrated the human world, assumed the identity of Donald Trump and ran for president with the intent to take over humanity. Sounds far fetched, but it’s just as good an explanation of Trump’s rise to power as anything else. Having studied humanity since his inception, Yungoos is the only man in politics who speaks at a fourth grade level and ends most of his sentences with accent terms in order to capture the attention of the masses. So he could get an edge over his competitors, he makes outlandish promises (like building a wall over Mexico) and uses commonspeak to insult those running against him. Will humanity prevail over Yungoos? We are hopeful, but only time will tell.
3. Steven Tyler – Gyarados
How Steven Tyler/Gyarados manages to live so much of his life outside of water, we can’t be sure. We assume he spends his nights sleeping in an aquarium inside his mansion. Either way it’s quite a feat, almost as impressive as Gyarados’ incredibly successful career amid his transition to the human world. Back in Kanto, as part of the original 151 roster, Gyarados was a threat almost to the level of a natural disaster. He would be known to sink ships, cause tornadoes that terrorized the ocean, and you’d be scared to take a surf on your Lapras, not wanting to be gobbled up in Gyarados’ enormous mouth. Now, in his humanity, Gyarados has calmed down significantly, using his huge mouth to scream anthemic rock songs and give well-founded criticism to contestants on American Idol. It’s very impressive. As long as he keeps this up, we’ll let the monstrosity stick around in our world for as long as he wants.
2. Kesha – Hoothoot
We always knew there was something up with Kesha. Brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels and waking up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy is a surefire indication that you’re not a normal human being. If we look at her closely and think hard about it, Kesha’s behaviour indicates that she’s actually a little Pokemon who’s way too excited to have made her way into human civilization. She’s so thrilled by everything around her that acting normal is impossible. Hoothoot’s complete unwillingness to hold back has paid off, as she’s now one of the most famous pop stars in the world. Still, the fact that she doesn’t quite fit in with anyone must make her sad. At night she flies off into the woods seeking communion with our regular old owls, who treat her like some sort of outsider. It’s unfortunate, but that’s what Hoothoot is — an outsider, a visiter from the Pokemon world.
1. Willow Smith – Chikorita
How silly of us to think that Will Smith could have given birth to anything but a Pokemon. Chikorita is a Grass type, which represents Willow’s love for nature, the universe, and pretty much everything else. In the making of her music video for the song “Whip My Hair,” Chikorita almost killed everyone on set when she accidentally unleashed a barrage of Razor Leaves in all directions. The potential victims were generally unharmed, and the subsequent cover-up had them paid a tremendous amount of money so that they would keep the incident a secret. But hardcore investigative journalism gave us the answer, as it always will. Keep whipping that hair, Chikorita. Just know: you’re in our world now, you play by our rules. If you prove to be a threat to human lives again, we’ll send you packing back to Johto faster than you can say Chikorita. And don’t you forget it.