Getting into show business is hard work. It can take years of stubborn dedication to finally break through, or, for some, a little luck and good timing. For most though, it’s about slowly working your way through the small gigs until you finally get noticed and get your shot at the big time. It’s an industry, like many, that rewards the tenacious. Because of the necessary tenacity in its members, it makes sense that show business is dominated by big, bold and strange personalities.
Dustin Hoffman tells a story that he once asked Sir Laurence Olivier, “Why is it that we do what we do?” Olivier leaned forward and said the reason was simply, “Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me.” Actors are front-and-center kind of people. They like the attention, and we, lesser folk, like to give it to them. When the cameras are off, however, these people are going to say and do things that we roll our eyes at. These are colorful people, remember.
Now, when actors work hard to get where they are, they earn some space to let their freak flags fly; they deserve to show off their big and weird personality. Chances are, it was their weirdness that got them there, so why not? But what about the ones who didn’t need to do a whole lot to get into show business. What about those whose big break came when they happened to be born to other celebrities? Should we feel it necessary to accept them for who they are then? Did they earn our patience and understanding? Maybe not. In hindsight, there are some celebrities who we wish were never in show business. They annoy us; they offend our sensibilities. If their famous parents never allowed or encouraged them to get into the business in the first place, we wouldn’t have to see them or hear from them at all. There are also those we feel bad for, the ones whose parents brought them into a world they don’t belong in (or their parents never got them out in time). Unfortunately, they’re here and all we can do is wish. We can only imagine a world in which these stars didn’t show their faces on our TVs; that’s all we have left to do at this point.
15. Will Smith & Jayden Smith
There are three reasons why Jaden Smith needs to stop being famous; three reasons why Will Smith and Jada Pinkett should have never brought him into the game: 1) “We Need To Stop Teaching The Youth About The Past And Encourage Them To Change The Future.” 2) “If Everybody In The World Dropped Out Of School We Would Have A Much More Intelligent Society.” 3) “If Newborn Babies Could Speak They Would Be The Most Intelligent Beings On Planet Earth.” These are all things that Jaden actually said. And I’m not talking about a guy sitting around and saying something in the heat of the moment. These are things that Jaden Tweeted. He felt that the world should read these little nuggets of crazy. Thanks Will. Thanks for him.
14. Farrah Abraham & Daughter
Farrah Abraham became a celebrity (we say celebrity loosely here) from the once popular MTV shows 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom. I guess actually her adult film, or adult films did a little more. Unfortunately for Abraham’s daughter, mama loves attention and will seemingly do anything to get any form of it. Since Abraham got famous for being a mom, her daughter is forever connected to that fame. She dragged her little girl into that show business life and it will definitely follow this little girl around, even if she doesn’t want it to.
13. Billy Ray Cyrus & Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus can be a big weirdo. To say she’s an acquired taste would be the understatement of the century. She’s in your face, vulgar, there’s that tongue thing, too. She has discovered that the weirder and bigger you are the more people pay attention to you. In the big world of show business, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, as they say, so Miley goes all out all of the time. I’m sure Miley worked real hard to get where she is, but having a country star for a father probably helped her odds of success. For all those out there who hate Miley, you should really be hating on Billy Ray. Not only are we a product of our environments—so Miley is a little bit of Billy Ray—but Billy Ray brought Miley into the mix. He gave her to us and we can’t give her back.
12. Lionel Richie & Nicole Richie
If Lionel Richie never got his daughter Nicole, famous, we would never have had The Simple Life. If we didn’t have The Simple Life, maybe Paris Hilton never gets so famous. If Paris Hilton never gets so famous, we may not have had a culture obsessed with brainless, clueless, ditzy celebrities. If that culture obsessed with brainless celebrities was never fostered, we may never have had the Kardashians, the Jenners, or any of the other famous families who became famous for… Wait. How are these people famous again? I mean, I know how their parents became famous, but how in the world have these people remained famous. I guess normal people don’t want to watch other everyday people slugging it out in the trenches of life. It’s way more entertaining watching rich people who don’t understand much of anything doing things. That should be the title of one of their shows: Rich People Doing Things.
11. Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger & Ireland
Ireland Baldwin is a model with some minor acting experience, but she was pulled into the celebrity business when her father Alec Baldwin, left her an angry voicemail, which her mother Kim Basinger, apparently leaked to the press (was this all a ploy?). In a brilliant parenting move, these two numbskulls dragged their daughter into their very public and nasty split. Ireland will always be associated with that ugly time and it’s all her parents’ fault. These two stars knew the business and knew how it worked, and they brought her into the world nevertheless. Bravo.
10. Ozzy, Sharon Osbourne & Kelly
Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne gave their kids a piece of their fame, beginning with their family reality TV show, The Osbournes. Kelly, the one daughter who was brought into the mix, has now become a celebrity from it all. Kelly’s dimmest moment probably came when she defended Latinos by claiming that if Trump kicks them out America there would be no one left to clean toilets, a backhanded defense if I’ve ever seen one. Kelly’s fame is based on being opinionated and “stylish,” but mainly it’s because her last name is Osborne. If Ozzy had the gift of foresight, maybe he would have saved us all from having to hear opinions that make no sense.
9. Martin Sheen & Charlie Sheen
Before Charlie Sheen went crazy, many people might have been thanking Martin Sheen for getting him into the family business. Heck, we can still thank him for Emilio Estevez and The Breakfast Club and The Mighty Ducks. But Charlie’s a different discussion. First, this isn’t the same Charlie that did Major League and Hot Shots! That Charlie is long gone. The Charlie we’re left with is arrogant, borderline psychotic and delusional. His latest work, unless you’re a diehard fan of Two and a Half Men, was amateurish at best. It may be unfair to blame Martin for Charlie’s antics, but we can at least give him the stink-eye. There comes a time in a father’s life when he has to step in and give his child a dose of reality. Maybe if Martin would have smacked his fully grown child across the face and told him to wake up, Charlie wouldn’t have gone so downhill so quickly. Probably wouldn’t have changed much in the end, but it would have been worth a shot.
8. Mama June & Honey Boo Boo
I guess these two special people became celebrities at the same time, but since Mama June is the mother (maybe not in the traditional role of caregiver and responsible adult, but she at least holds the title of mother), she takes the full blame for bringing her child into show business. I don’t want to be too hard on Honey Boo Boo; it’s not her fault that her mother has turned her into a walking caricature. It’s not her fault that Mama June felt so compelled to make her family famous that she turned Honey Boo Boo into a sideshow, a circus act from another time and place. It’s sad that it happened, and we wish it never did. If we could go back in time and stop Mama June from prancing Honey Boo Boo around for money, we would. At least, I hope we would.
7. Don Johnson, Melanie Griffith & Dakota Johnson
This is purely about 50 Shades of Grey, this softcore skin flick fad that blew up and captured the imagination of lonely people everywhere. Dakota Johnson, despite what she does on TV, is an awkward bird on camera. She looks so uncomfortable on camera that it makes the audience feel bad for her. In 50 Shades of Grey, comfortability really stands out. The movie struggles to properly portray what made the book so successful. It’s about sexual fantasy and it’s tough to put yourself into the fantasy when you have two weirdos acting the part that you filled in your imagination. I’d like to think that if Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith never made Dakota famous, we wouldn’t have 50 Shades of Grey. That would be a world with one less absolutely terrible movie; a better world.
6. Snooki’s Mom & Snooki
Alright, so maybe Snooki’s mom had nothing to do with Snooki getting famous, but she could have stopped her from wanting to be famous. She could have shot down those dreams early on. She should have done that for all of us. The world would be a better place if Jersey Shore never existed. If this little Oompa Loompa never got on TV, we would all be a little smarter today. Spray tans, spiky hair and skipping leg day would have never become cool. Snooki’s mom should have spanked her orange-skinned child and sent her to room after the very first episode. Now that Snooki’s a mom herself, she’s reinvented herself. When that kid grows up and wants to be famous like mom, let’s all pray together that Snooki says no, like her mom should have said to her.
5. John, Jules & Kristen Stewart
For everyone who enjoys good acting and facial expressions, Kristen Stewart is offensive. Her parents, a writer and a stagehand, were in the business that made her famous, or helped to make her famous, whatever, and now we have Twilight. No Kristen Stewart means no Twilight, no mouth breathing and breathy exclamations, no shifty eyes and no cartoonish awkwardness. Kristen Stewart looks like she hates acting, like she’s just doing it until something that she really enjoys comes along. Well, we’re still waiting Kristen. Maybe when the camera’s off, she’s just as uncomfortable, but that’s hard to imagine. Maybe her parents are forcing her to act. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
4. Kris, Bruce & the Jenner Sisters
The Jenners are part of this train of famous celebrities that have remained famous primarily because they are filthy rich, thick-skulled and good looking. There is a significant portion of the world who wishes that the Jenners were never on our TV screens. If it wasn’t for Bruce’s (Caitlyn’s) athletic excellence, Linda Thompson’s fame, or Kris’ knack for marrying rich and famous people, we wouldn’t have had any of the Jenners, these simple-minded folk that have cameras follow their every moves because they’re rich, irresponsible and as dumb as fire-hydrants. I think it was Brody who was the first of the kids to make a name for himse… actually, you know what? He’s not great either. Unfortunately for the world, our celebrity-obsessed culture has become attached to rich people who do nothing. I think it’s because being dumb and rich normalizes the rich, making us feel like we’re on their level, or even better than them. We can fantasize about having their blessed-lives because they are almost normal people. Impossibly stupid people, but somewhat normal.
3. Dina & Lindsay Lohan
Dina Lohan got famous because of her daughter Lindsay, but, in this one, Dina should have been the one to get Lindsay out of show business. When Lindsay starting going downhill (it all happened so fast), Dina should have swooped in and grabbed her out like a responsible parent should. She should have said: “Lindsay, maybe getting black-out, lazy-eyed drunk on a Tuesday afternoon with no underwear on isn’t the best idea.” She should have done that but she didn’t.
2. Robert, Kris & the Kardashian Sisters
The name Kardashian became famous with the O.J. Simpson murder case, though Kris Jenner’s marriage to Olympic athlete Bruce (Caitlyn) Jenner certainly added to the family fame. Kim Kardashian was the first of the kids to the starting line, making a name for herself with a sex tape, as is tradition. These Kardashian personalities are loved around the world, but they’re also ridiculed. They may be loved purely because they’re ridicule-able. For those who don’t love brainless celebrities, there’s a deep-seated wish that Robert never made a name for himself. If he nor Kris were dripping with money, no one would have wanted to see Kim say and do stupid things. The world would not have to hear the name Kardashian everyday for absolutely no reason. Trees would grow taller and grass would grow greener. Life would be more wonderful.
1. Blythe Danner & Gwyneth Paltrow
One of the most pretentious and disliked celebrities in the world, Gwyneth Paltrow, would argue that she shouldn’t be on this list at all. I’m positive that she would argue this because she suggests that she became a celebrity through her hard work and persistence, definitely not because her parents are famous celebrities themselves, nope. And for sure not because their family friend is Steven Spielberg, who gave her that first break in Hook, no, not that. Whenever you hear Paltrow say something conceited, something that insults your social status or your intelligence, you can blame Blythe Danner for being famous. Blame her parents for asking Spielberg to do them a solid and make their daughter famous. It’s all their fault really. They helped make Paltrow who she is. I’m sure their nanny and their private chef had some influence too, but we can’t blame everyone.