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15 Celebrity Women We Won’t Find Hot In Five Years

Entertainment
15 Celebrity Women We Won’t Find Hot In Five Years

Much like wealth, popularity and beer, beauty does not last forever. Betty White, of all people, was smoking hot decades ago, but now she’s the sweet old famous lady nobody expects to say dirty things. She may still be a beautiful woman, but in a grandmotherly way, not in a way that gets one featured in magazines found under a teenager’s bed.

For women in show business, much like women outside of it, there is lasting hotness, attractiveness which can stick around for decades. Monica Bellucci is one prime example. She is the most recent James Bond girl. The Italian Goddess is over fifty and still looks (I don’t just throw this word around) magnificent. Julianne Moore is another example. She’s been one of the best actresses in the world for over two decades, and still, despite being over fifty, she is stunning.

Lindsay Lohan is an example of the opposite. The girl has not aged well. She could have, but booze and drugs took hold and now she looks like the kind of cretin who can be found in the nasty part of any large city shouting at a guy who refused to give her a cigarette. While she was one of the sexiest in show business over a decade ago, she looks rough these days. For more information on women who haven’t aged with too much grace, see Tara Reid. I’m no Nostradamus and I can’t predict the future, but here is our take on fifteen celebrity babes who might be hot now but probably won’t be in five years.

15. Kate Moss

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I’ll admit, I’m starting this article off with a woman who is already well into her downward slide. Kate Moss became famous over a decade ago for being addict-thin and having what I’ll (charitably) call an interestingly pretty face. Here we are in 2016, and she still looks like heroin is one of her main interests. Now however, it looks like it has been one of her interests for a half a century and she’s been rode hard and put away wet a few too many times. That’s not a dirty comment, she’s showing rust, is what I’m saying. Five years down the road, Kate Moss will be a relic of the modelling community…come to think of it…she already kind of is.

14. Beyonce

For over ten years, since her time with Destiny’s Child, Beyonce has been one of the most beautiful women in show business. Between singing, dancing and acting, she’s demonstrated talent in a few different methods of entertainment and has ventured into the world of entrepreneurship. Therein, however, lies part of her problem. While there is no better way to make money than starting one’s own business (Parkwood Entertainment is killing it by the way) it seems to be all she’s doing these days. She runs the businesses and has been seemingly spending more time at fashion shows than working on dance moves. This could be a formula for weight gain and losing all the strength and perkiness her body is known for.

13. The Olsen Twins

This really is unfortunate because looking at these two, you can tell that they would have been absolutely perfect had it not been for show business. Unfortunately, while they have spent two decades in front of cameras and have made tons of money, they are completely dead in the eyes. Ten years ago they looked unbelievable, and now, you can tell they are the same people, but they have both entered a phase in which neither even look healthy anymore. Mary-Kate had her bout with anorexia ages ago, but more recently they look an awful lot like skeletons that have been painted skin color.

12. Iggy Azalea

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This may not be the most pleasant thing to say (not that I’m writing an article like this to demonstrate what a charming, compassionate lad I am) but the only reason Iggy Azalea is considered hot right now is because of hype and novelty. That’s it. Admittedly, there is a shred of talent there, but anyone saying she’s hot is just shocked and intrigued by an Aussie with a massive posterior who can rap. This will come to pass and in just a few short years and people will see an odd-talking creature with a weird face.

11. Fergie

From one rapper to another. The singer for the Black Eyed Peas is looking a little worse for wear almost every day. Don’t get me wrong, Fergie‘s still reasonably attractive these days but it’s fading faster than Donald Trump‘s support among foreigners. Okay, maybe not that fast, but you get the idea. Her body is actually holding up nicely considering she’s forty and had a kid, but her face is showing significantly more than forty.

10. Heidi Montag

When she was on The Hills, Heidi Montag looked like basically what people would expect when they hear the phrase “dopey rich blonde from California”. Now she looks like that, but with the phrase “who is headed downhill faster than a locomotive with a poor breaking mechanism. She has had plenty of plastic surgery and now looks slightly more “Barbie-ish” than before. Unfortunately, she and her husband Spencer Pratt, are now floating just above “broke” and as anyone with plastic surgery can tell you, the results do not last. Give her five years and she may well look like something out of The Walking Dead.

9. Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson, once the most beautiful star in the world, is bound to start falling apart any minute now. I don’t mean mentally or emotionally, however, this woman has had an absurd amount of cosmetic procedures over the years and the “special effects” do not last. Imagine, if you will, a large mansion, with fancy stonework on the outside, brand new hardwood floors and fashionable doors made of…let’s say mahogany. Now imagine it’s all held together by quarter inch staples and masking tape. That’s a metaphor for Pam Anderson.

8. Ronda Rousey

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There will be plenty of you reading this right now who say that Ronda Rousey isn’t hot now. Fair enough, she is a bit more built and doesn’t have the kind of pretty face that pleases everyone. But for our purposes, we have her listed as a hottie as of February, 2016. There are a couple of reasons, however, that five years down the road, this may not be the case. The first is her chosen line of work. Upon her return to MMA, she will likely have to square off against Holly Holm again. Even if Rousey wins that bout, Holm will still likely rearrange her face to some extent. Others will have taken note as well, that before a match-up against Rousey, work on the striking game and make sure she can’t get her arms around you. In short, she’s going to take plenty of hits to the face over the next few years (depending on how long she continues to fight) and that will be detrimental to that pretty face.

Furthermore, part of the reason she was/is hot in the first place is attitude. However, since her loss to Holm, that “bad girl on the top of her game who can take anyone” attitude has dissipated into someone talking about how they can’t watch the video of getting KO’d and losing a belt. This is a massive step down from the warrior we got to know over the past few years.

7. Madonna

For most of us with functioning brains and eyes, Madonna isn’t hot now, but the next five years will put her sex appeal into a shallow grave. There are still people who find her attractive, and they will become rarer and rarer very quickly. The last time she looked somewhat sexy was in Die Another Day, and that was thirteen years ago. As of last year, the gap tooth is still there, the wrinkles are showing up like stoners to a Phish concert and if she isn’t caked in a kilogram of makeup, the pictures are not pretty.

6. Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus is still hot these days. The hair and the outfits are a bit out there, but the body, face and attitude are pretty sexy. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take a biographer to notice that she has been getting less attractive since age 18 and now lives about as hard (by her own admission) as someone should. She’s openly discussed what drugs she likes to indulge in and what drugs she doesn’t care for, and her partying habits are public knowledge. This is an equation that ends with a celebrity looking like a dude from the website People of Wal-Mart.

5. Kim Kardashian

There are a few reasons for which Kim Kardashian will no longer be considered hot in about five years. A workout regimen along with religious dieting are the only ways she’s been able to maintain her curvy figure. The more kids she and her egomaniac (though admittedly talented) husband pop out, the more difficult it will become for her to stay human looking. She’s just a week of McDonald’s away from needing a Rascal scooter.

4. Victoria Beckham

There are nice cheekbones and then there are the golf balls covered in skin that cover the sides of Victoria Beckham‘s face. There’s no nice way to say this, but Posh Spice (remember that debacle?) has, over the last decade and a half, degenerated from a threateningly hot woman to someone who just looks like a threat to public safety. I never thought I’d say this but, give it five more years and we might find David Beckham more attractive.

3. Kate Upton

The animated sitcom Family Guy nailed it with Kate Upton‘s situation, as they essentially indicated that she does not have much time left as one of the most beautiful women in the world. She’s already got a “full frame” when considered in comparison to other supermodels, but the problem here may be the chest. She has a decent frame to support the weight, but breasts of that size do not stay perky forever. She will need some kind of surgery or modification if she doesn’t want to end up with a case of fried-eggs-nailed-to-a-wall syndrome.

2. Gisele Bundchen

While she may have spent some time as one of the most beautiful supermodels on the face of the Earth, and stole the man many are calling the greatest quarterback in the history of football, Gisele Bundchen, I’m sorry to say, is losing her looks. Living with Tom Brady can’t help much, given his apparent response to losses on the field can be hard on his family and friends, but as South Park character and legend Eric Cartman implied in the most recent season, she “kind of looks like a dude”. That may be a bit harsh, in keeping with that show’s usual themes and celebrity insults, but she is looking like life isn’t treating her well. Keep in mind, Tom Brady left a pregnant Bridget Moynahan for Gisele Bundchen. Guess which one looks better today. I’ll give you a hint, she isn’t featured in this article. I’m not ragging on ol’ Tom Brady here. If I had to choose a quarterback to lead a team down by six on their own twenty down the field with two minutes left and zero timeouts, it’d be him. With that said, he left a gem of a stunning actress for this woman and she will likely be looking pretty rough in five more years.

1. Angelina Jolie

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It’s very unfortunate, but this former sensationally beautiful woman is, in the opinion of this professional hot-woman-rater, within five years of being not so hot. I’ve said for a long time that Angelina Jolie looks about halfway between being an incredibly attractive woman and a member of another species. The strong jawline and unnaturally large lips are a major part of the issue. Big lips (Scarlett Johanssen for example) are a great look, but Brad Pitt’s woman has a whole different situation going on. Add that to the fact that she’s starting to show her age overall, and you have a cocktail that leads to not being hot at all in five years.

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