Canada has done plenty to make a name for itself in just under 150 years as a country. The country has a reasonably prosperous economy, a fairly happy population overall, no real enemies, except for maybe ISIS right now, but who don’t they hate? The government is huge and wastes an absurd amount of money, but the food is plentiful for the most part and the buildings seldom fall over, most Canucks only have first world problems.
We also produce some decent celebrities. That stunning blonde Elisha Cuthbert who used to star on 24, she’s from Calgary. Still about half of all pro hockey players are Canadian, as are a few baseball players here and there, and of course Steve Nash, who tore up the NBA for a few years. In the world of comedy, names like Dan Aykroyd, Mike Myers and Norm MacDonald are all from the Great White North. Looking to the world of music, this relatively small country (in terms of population) has come up with Rush, The Tragically Hip and Neil Young. But you can’t win ’em all, and not all celebrities are created equal. For every great athlete, funny person, band or actor, there is inevitably one who is an absolute waste of space. Here are fifteen celebrities Canada can start to apologize for any time now.
15. Alex Trebek
What is a lack of personality, Alex? If the Jeopardy host is the only Canadian you’ve ever seen, you may think that we’re a nation full of people who navigate small-talk like some sort of a minefield. This is not so, but Alex Trebek sure makes it look difficult to have fifteen second conversations with people. The least charismatic game show host on television was born and raised in Sudbury, Ontario, a town known for a frozen tundra with some mining operations. Then again, Trebek’s biggest flaw is his awkwardness with contestants, and that is why we listed him first, he’s far more tolerable than the rest of the cretins we’ll be discussing.
14. Dallas Green
As we said earlier, there are some great Canadian music acts out there. City and Colour is not one of them. If you’re listening to Canadian radio and there is some whiny, droning singer, this guy may be the culprit. His participation in hardcore/screamo band Alexisonfire was pretty bearable, but his solo work has been about as entertaining and uplifting as a gas fire at a daycare center.
13. Russell Peters (Mostly for his recent work)
Here’s the thing, about ten years ago, Russell Peters was one of the funniest guys in the world. Unfortunately, as they say, all good things come to an end. All of his best bits had to do with his Indian ancestry and his early life living in a suburb, Brampton, just outside of Toronto. For a few years, you could say “somebody gonna get a hurt, real bad!” (one of his signature lines, said while impersonating his father) in a crowded room and people around you would look over and start chuckling.
Since 2010, however, he has become significantly less funny, to the point where his new routines are almost unwatchable. His jokes about growing up with an Indian background in Canada were fresh and new in the early and mid 2000s, but when they became his whole act, it all became a bit much. He has also been accused of a great deal of joke thievery, which is not something any comedian ever wants to be associated with.
12. Michael Cera
I’m still trying to figure out why this guy is still getting work. From Juno to Superbad, Michael Cera brings more uncomfortable awkwardness to a movie than the late Michael Jackson did to sleepovers. The one time he made audiences laugh was in This is the End wherein he played a heavily fictionalized version of himself that gets impaled about a third of the way into the film.
11. Celine Dion
Celine Dion has a set of lungs that produce an undeniably loud and distinct sound. Beyond that, there is a mule face and not much else. She tricked a ton of Americans into thinking she’s worth paying money to see, but so have The Black Eyed Peas and Pauly Shore, so it’s not like she’s in necessarily great company there.
If you’re a fan of the music, however, her Jupiter Island, Florida home (which she sold a couple of years ago) had a water park on the property. That water park used so much water that there were occasional local shortages. She now lives in Las Vegas. Her husband died last year so we decided to go easy on her and put her at number eleven.
10. Ted Cruz
This one really depends on your political views, as Ted Cruz is about as polarizing as the other major figures in the current POTUS election. If you’re a fan of neoconservative foreign policy, along with religion-based social thought, sorry for including Ted Cruz on this list. If you’re pro-choice, love illegal immigration and socialist healthcare, you’re welcome. Either way, he was born in Calgary, Alberta, before moving with his parents (both Americans) to Texas.
Is anything about him mainstream Canadian? Absolutely not, but he was born here, that makes him somewhat a Canuck.
9. Justin Trudeau
I included the Canadian in denial, Ted Cruz for the liberals out there and I’m including Canada’s current Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau for the conservatives out there, feast your hearts out. While I’m sure that Justin Trudeau has good intentions, he shows a flaw in democratic process every time he opens his mouth. That is of course that in any country the majority of voters are willing to vote for a guy because he’s good looking and says things that sound nice. If you’re not a fan of Barack Obama, get ready to pull your hair out every time PM Zoolander makes a trip down to the U.S. Seven million Canadians may have voted for the guy, but the rest of us will spend the next five years apologizing on their behalf. To any Americans who don’t know this name yet, consider this an apology in advance.
8. William Shatner
He’s one of those celebrities who was a legend at one point, but is now little more than a novelty. William Shatner is widely considered to be an egomaniac and his treatment of fellow actors is well documented as fairly disdainful. In short, nearly everyone hates working with the guy, but people still give him the odd part because of his name. The problem is, despite his fame for playing Captain Kirk, the acting really is nothing special. The whole “ha-ha I talk slow” routine died about 20 years ago. Still though, the Montreal-born actor does look good for 85 years old, I guess taking 10 minutes to spit out a sentence can prolong youth.
7. Bryan Adams
I will say two good things about Kingston, Ontario’s Bryan Adams before I let the bad stuff fly. He plays guitar well, and I can’t really have a problem with his artistry. Furthermore, I applaud him for the trick he played on everyone with the song Summer of ’69. This song is most definitely not (as many “wholesome” fans want to believe) about the year 1969; Adams was 10 at the time. It is a reference to the sexual position.
Now back to me being an ***hole. The reason Canada should apologize for Bryan Adams is for that damn voice. I don’t know if he destroyed his vocal cords shrieking in an igloo way up north many years ago or if he was just born with that dreadful sound, but it is something we can all feel shame for.
6. Post-2000 Jim Carrey
In the 1990s, Jim Carrey was one of the funniest men on Earth. In living Color was a painfully good sketch comedy, and his movies, from the Ace Ventura films to Dumb and Dumber and Liar Liar were fall-out-of-your-chair-laughing hilarious. Unfortunately, he went downhill fast in the late 90s.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was more sad than funny, and Bruce Almighty was a good try but ultimately a swing and a miss. While the movies have gone downhill, Jim Carrey and his now ex Jenny McCarthy, becoming anti-vaccination activists was a misadventure neither one of them needed to make. Furthermore, Dumb and Dumber to and the live action How the Grinch Stole Christmas, never needed to happen.
5. Pam Anderson
One of the greatest celebrities ever to come out of Canada has more than overstayed her welcome in the limelight. Why anyone pays any attention to Pamela Anderson anymore, well, actually I can give you two reasons, but they are not as impressive as they used to be. While she used to pose for Playboy and be genuinely entertaining, her novel, her activities with PETA, and basically everything else about her later career add up to more than enough for Canadians to shrug their shoulders and say “sorry”.
4. Hayden Christensen (As Darth Vader)
I’ve defended Hayden Christensen for a while now, because he isn’t nearly as terrible an actor as many disgruntled Star Wars fanboys like to claim. Watch Shattered Glass, about disgraced journalist Stephen Glass. Christensen nails the role. Unfortunately, he was the wrong guy to play Darth Vader in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith and given that Star Wars is as big as it is, his performance is a lasting stain on a career that could have been pretty great. While we can’t condemn his whole career, this casting fail was a major problem (among many) that made two movies atrocious.
3. Avril Lavigne
There is a town in Ontario, the largest province in Canada, known as Napanee. It isn’t known for much but the locals have stories about Avril Lavigne‘s youth that are as unpleasant as her singing career. Between the terrible voice, atrocious songwriting and the fact that most of the actual music makes the listener’s ears bleed, there really isn’t much to like. Avril Lavigne is a real turd in the keg of Molson.
2. Nickelback (Mostly Chad Kroeger)
We couldn’t include Avril Lavigne without discussing her former husband and his band. Chad Kroeger has one of those voices that make people from Cape Spear (Canada’s most eastern point) to the Yukon Territory hit themselves in the ears with hockey sticks. The production studio in which these guys record is the musical equivalent to an abortion clinic.
Kroeger is about as repugnant as they come when it comes to Canadian talent, but even this hollering, drunk driving imbecile has nothing on our number one; you should already know who it is!
1. Justin Bieber
Early on in his career, Justin Bieber wasn’t so bad. He was a young kid with a wimpy looking haircut, singing a garbage love song with a high voice. At that point, one could at least avoid him, much like any other effeminate lad in the music business. Sadly for the world, he has blossomed into a full-blown scumbag, having sustained criticism for mistreating his fans, mistreating animals, being a danger to others, disrespecting law enforcement and numerous other counts of inconceivable douchebaggery.
Is this guy the worst Canadian out there? Probably not, as Canada has Holocaust deniers, racial supremacists of all colors, and our share of serial killers, but when it comes to people who have achieved fame and fortune, Justin Bieber is one Canadian we can all apologize for, but with that said, he’s yours now, America, good luck with that.